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Ending it! Need Support Please!!
May 25, 2007
10:33 am
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At_it_Again
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Ok, well I just ended things with my bfriend. Some of you may have read my "Ugh!" thread.

I've come to realize that if things seem to be too hard, maybe they are not meant to be. I've dealt with enough grief and hardship from my previous marriage, that I do not need to continue being with people that I'm not happy with.

I'm finally ready to be by myself and do things I enjoy!! ( I went straight to dating after my marriage ended last May).
I didn't take time for me like I should have, like all my friends said I needed to.
I guess when you know you know and until then no one can force you otherwise.

So it's my time and I'm ready to start living!!!

May 25, 2007
10:54 am
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risingfromtheashes
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at it again -

you mentioned that you are torn, wondering "is it me, is it him?".

There is no easy answer to that, but normally it's "it's me and him TOGETHER".

some people just aren't meant to be together...and that's no reflection on you.

You see - I was in the same type of situation...I was always being "Triggered" by my partners behaviours. And it would make me insane and I would act all insane too.

We triggered eachother in many ways. Brought out the worst in eachother.

Now - he claims to be in a happy relaitonship - maybe he is...or maybe she is so stupid that she puts up with his shit. But I couldn't.

I am in a happy and healthy relationship now. It's about give and take...caring for eachother as well as caring for our own selves.

I find that he doesn't do things that "trigger" my bad reactions. So it works.

You had EVERY right to expect to be included in his plans for the weekend - for his birthday. After seven months...you would think he would be thinking about how to spend more time with you.

Instead, he was thinking of ways to spend LESS with you. His remark about wanting time alone cuz it's his birthday really was a zinger.

No man who is ready for a relationship would tell their partner that.

He doesn't want to be there...well, maybe he does...but he certainly doesn't want to contribute or participate like a PARTNER should.

You are doing the right thing I think.

Someone will come along and treat you like you deserve...show you that you matter. This one just isn't cutting it.

May 25, 2007
11:13 am
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loverbee
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Ok, well welcome to the single club. really I wasn't being sarcastic. Finding yourself can really be an exhilirating experience and I KNOW I KNOw it is probably really painful to go through the breakup thing but some good can really come out of this. YOu should read the thread about being single. It might help.I highly recommend you find the twenty reasons why its great to be you too. Its all about getting to know you...getting to know all about you. Getting to like you getting to hope you like me...Ok now look what I have done. haha.Hope this helps.

May 25, 2007
11:45 am
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At_it_Again
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Thanks Rising and Loverbee.

He is not taking it well and about to call me to talk, which is going to just make it harder.

I was at peace with my decision and other than being a little sad, not that upset about it. So we'll see how things progress today!

May 25, 2007
11:49 am
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risingfromtheashes
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don't take the call!

honestly, if you are done, you are done.

why drag out the inevitable?

his actions speak loudly...he doesn't waant to put effort into things.

nothing he says will change that.

so why talk about it?

tell him you will talk to him after you get back from your holiday weekend with your friends...the one he forced you to take because he didn't want to include you in his...

no...don't say that.

but seriously....talking isn't going to change anything...and any promise made now should be too little too late....and probably empty.

May 25, 2007
12:11 pm
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fantas
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At-It...Congratulations to you for putting yourself first. I am sure it's not easy and of course the boyfriend is not going to like it. Enjoy being single, I love it perhaps a bit too much. I have learnt so much about myself and still learning. Hang in there. Stand your ground with your ex. We are here for you!! Cheers:)

May 25, 2007
12:20 pm
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StronginHim77
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At-It -

You probably have some "rocky" days ahead of you, but keep posting and let us know how you are doing, as often as you can.

Sounds like your bf is trying to keep you from ending the relationship. (Makes you want to bang your head into the wall, doesn't it? A day late and a dollar short, as the expression goes.) He is not going to change LONGTERM. Yes, he might clean up his act for a few days or weeks, but he will eventually revert to the Real Him. And the Real Him takes you for granted, treats you with indifference and does not genuinely LOVE you. Love is generous, thoughtful, patient, kind and giving. I do not see any of those qualities in him from what you have shared on this thread.

You may feel some painful moments in the coming days. Please share them with us. Most of us have "been there" and will stand by you, while you step back from this guy and decide what path you want to take.

- Ma Strong

May 25, 2007
12:43 pm
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jewel
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Breakups are a very hard thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from someone and that is good that you recognized that you were not happy and you need to be alone. I broke things off with my ex-fiance almost 2 months ago and a therapist told me that was the best move I could have done. I knew I would have a long life filled with loneliness and unhappiness. To be honest, I was more excited about the wedding than the actual marriage and that is not what is important. I thought I really loved him, but in the end, I actually made a list of all that I liked about him and hated about him. And gosh was the hate list long. It is good to stay single after a breakup. I kind of broke that rule(It is a long story on what happened to me) I know I should be alone to fully heal by myself and not lean on another man to help me through this hard time. Hang in there. It will get better. I can promise you that. If you ever need to talk, I am here for you.

Love ya,
Jewel

By the way, nice meeting you. I don't think we ever corresponded. I have been on this site since April of 2004 and it is like a godsend. There are great people on here. I just took a long break from the site because I was really hurting to the point where I felt I couldn't post.

May 25, 2007
12:49 pm
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At_it_Again
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Ok, well I took the call before reading the responses. And it lasted about an hour until he had to go to meet someone for lunch, thank goodness or I may not have gotten rid of him.

Yep, he is definitely trying to hang on, saying stuff like it's hard to me knowing that you could just walk away like that, can't we work thru this, so on so on. I kept trying to say that I don't know if he would change or not and things have been going downhill the last few months and not getting better and it's just too hard for me to continue dealing with it. I have learned from past experiences that you cannot change someone and you shouldn't be with someone hoping they will change and if I stayed that's how it would be. Of course he kept saying otherwise and that he NOW understands me, haha, only took 7 months and on the day I'm breaking up he NOW understands me, what a crock.

Anyway, I said well if you think I'm crazy, then give me a few days and I will let you know if I changed my mind then.

It is hard for me b/c we have been thru some tough times and I do have feelings for him, but I do realize now that I was going to the rescue for him during a tough time in his life and possibly only with him b/c I felt sorry for him.

Thanks for all of your support! I plan to enjoy the weekend and I will keep you posted on my progress. 🙂

May 25, 2007
12:53 pm
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AQueen
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I wouldn't take his call because he will try every trick in the book and then some. He doesn't want to lose, and he'll promise you the world. But like Ma Strong said, they don't change long term. They are on good behavior for a few days, weeks, maybe months but then they revert back to their true selves. It's much easier to break things off if you don't communicate with your ex at all. No emails, no text messages, no voicemails, no phone calls, no letters, no face to face, NOTHING. I have a no contact order againist my ex and he was obeying it to the T until a few days ago. He started calling and leaving messages on my voicemail at home and on my old cell phone that now belongs to my Mom. I refuse to call him back. He said he loves me and wants to see his son blah blah blah. I don't love him anymore, I don't want to talk to him, and I definately don't want to see him. If he wants to see his son he needs to follow the court order and call his Mom to set up vistitation. He needs to call and tell her what day and time he has in mind and she calls me and I either accept or decline. In the order he's allowed a weekly visit for 1 hour all he has to do is set it up. Well he hasn't yet and we've been split since 3/07. All he has to do is pick up the phone and make a phone call. He claims he's incapable of doing that but he can pick up the phone to call dope dealers all darn day long. He's the type of abuser controller that controls by acting helpless. I did everything for him. Made all his appointments, filled out all paperwork, made sure he got to his appointments, paid the bills, took care of the house and the cats, did laundry, when we did drugs I bought the drugs, I did everything. He acted like he had such bad learning disabilities that he couldn't do basic stuff. It got so bad that when he had an appointment he would tell me to speak for him because he wasn't good at communicating his needs. Yes he did have some learing diabilites but he survived before he met me. By enabling I wasn't helping him because I did everything for him. I took on his problems and made them mine instead of guiding him so he could handle them on his own. I'm a not a counselor and it's not my duty to help him learn life skills. He has worked in the past and attended school. Drugs have really messed up his mind and made him slower than usual. He can get help from people that are trained to help him, he just needs to ask for help and not expect people to do everything for him. Helplessness is a form of control. I felt sorry for him. I wanted to help him get better and be a functioning adult. Little did I know that my goal of getting him to the point where he's a funcitoning adult on his own would never happen if I was in his life because I just enabled him to continue being a freeloading drug user that expect everyone to take care of his every need. He screams at his mom that she didn't teach him how to live. She did but he's been living on the margins of society for so long it's like he's forgotten or he's so damaged from drugs he can't figure it out. He is in treatment, has been since last June. I got him approved for one year's worth of weekly counseling and medication but he won't take the time to show up unless he's living with me and I take him myself. That was the only time he showed up, when I drove him there. I told him if he attended counseling he would feel better. He always begged for counseling and proper meds and then I hook him up with it and he doesn't take advantage of it. Whenever I feel weak when it comes to him I write him letters that I will never give him. I act like I will but I dont' send them. It helps me and before I know it the "craving" has passed. When we get little urges to think of our ex or see or talk to our ex it's a craving for a fix. Once you learn that you can treat those feelings like a cravings and realize it you don't react to the craving it will pass. Well sorry for hijacking your thread but I just wanted to share my story with you. Make it easier on yourself and on him, no contact.
AQueen

May 25, 2007
1:20 pm
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At_it_Again
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Thanks for your reply AQueen! I appreciate what you've said.

I think I feel better about this than I thought I would. I hope these good feelings last. I don't feel anything but peace, well maybe a little sadness. But no anger or frustration, just that it's right.

May 25, 2007
2:33 pm
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StronginHim77
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You feel that "it's right." That's really, really good. When we have to do something as difficult as breaking up a relationship. it sure helps to feel peaceful and "right" about our choice. You are looking out for your own future...for YOURSELF. I am really glad.

You are an exceptional woman. I am confident that your future holds someone very special who will appreciate how special you are.

- Ma Strong

May 25, 2007
2:45 pm
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loverbee
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You know, my ex came home, looked at me and said, I think I should move out and before I knew it I said, I know i think so too and that was that. I didn't know I was ok with it and knew it was best until I did. Weird huh?

May 25, 2007
4:27 pm
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At_it_Again
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Uh oh, that didn't last long...those little doubt voices are popping up in my head.

This is where I start thinking, well he wasn't that bad was he. And thinking, it's hard meeting people now that I'm older and the thought of the whole dating process, etc, etc.

I know I need to wait awhile to even think about dating, but the thought of going thru this again, makes me nauseous!

May 25, 2007
4:35 pm
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fantas
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At-it...I understand all about the second guessing and only seeing the good stuff. I found it helpful to actually write a list if the things he did that were great and those that were bad and compare it. Every time I started to reconsider, I'd look at it again then I'd get a wake up call again! Hang in there...you deserve happiness, love, compassion, and good health!

May 25, 2007
11:44 pm
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At_it_Again
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Wow, feeling a lot of sadness tonight. Earlier today he told me I was his best friend! 🙁

And that he misses the intimacy but will miss the friendship more!! :((

How do you know when something you're doing is really right? Just by your first inclination??

I know that I still love him and the thought of him with someone else makes me nauseous.

Now I'm wondering if I should have stuck around to see if he made some adjustments.

help!!!

May 26, 2007
3:44 am
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fantas
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At-It, Keep reminding yourself the whole story not just the sweet stuff he is saying now. If this man really wants you, he will continue to pursue you. He will want to know what he can do to get back into your life and he will actually do these things. If you are second guessing yourself, go back to the ugh! thread you wrote several days earlier. Even if you are considering taking him back, this would be a good time to have serious converstions about all the things that you were unhappy about and see how well he listens and responds to you. Does he take ownership of his wrongs, is he getting it? Is he apologetic for the aches and pains he caused you, how serious is he about you and the relationship. Have this conversation first, then decide if you really want to get back with him. I think you have him where he is willing to listen so talk to him. Hang tight!

May 26, 2007
8:14 am
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At_it_Again
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Thank you fantas!

We did talk some yesterday and he was apolegetic and did listen.

I will let a couple of days pass and see how I feel. I know part of it could be the usual break up blues.

May 26, 2007
8:24 am
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risingfromtheashes
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also realize that most will make tons of promises in effort not to lose you, or even not to hurt you - they don't want to feel bad for hurting you - even tho they are responsible for it.

So, they try to smooth things over.

But they really don't have it "in them" to stay on the right path for very long.

Be careful of any promises made right now...cuz he will tell you ANYTHING to make it better....but from history...you know it isn't possible.

Plus - if you asked all along and he didn't give...why now? why wait until you are gone? why not prove how much he cares WHILE he has you?

too little too late....remember that.

Yes, you are going to miss him...all the good stuff....but once you get over the "hump" you will NOT miss all the bad stuff.

May 29, 2007
6:40 pm
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casper1981
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I am having the same problem. I want to believe him when he tell me he wants it to work but hen again I go back and remember what it was like when he was here and I donot want that anymore. I told him several times that in order for it to work that we/him or i need counseling. He agrees and then it goes nowhere. He has not mentioned it. If I mention it he will start getting all uptight again and then starts acting like he is going to have a nervous breakdown. Whenever I start talking about personal things and/or problems we have it is never a good time. It still gets that way now even though we have bees split for like 8 months now. So what do you do to find out if there really is a chance that it will work or know when to finally say enough is enough. I donot know what to believe myself at times. So I know what you are going thru on some level. We just have to hang in there and listen to our instincts or not. I know I cannot go back to what it was. We do deserve better for ourselves. Casper1981

May 30, 2007
9:30 am
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balancesekr
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at-it-again,

Your intuition is talking to you and you made a move for yourself, pat yourself on the back and give yourself the credit you deserve.

You sound like you want to be valued and a priority and this guy doesn't seem to be delivering the goods. Its easy to get lost in your mind sometimes with the what if's but you need to look at what is as difficult as that is to do.

Maybe don't think too much about being with someone else right now, as you said maybe a little recovery time is needed.

The last time my relationship ended I made a list of what I was unhappy about with him and carried it with me. I was upset for the longest time after it ended even though the relationship wasn't meeting my needs.

I think its a matter of listing what our needs are, what will be flexible with, what is a non-negiotable, etc...

I am no expert, but if I clarified what I want, the odds are better I will find them. As a codep, I get scared of that and shy away from doing it.

Your inner voice guided you to end it, give yourself a little time, maybe it doesn't have to be over forever, just now, so you can clear your head.

b

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