Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
End of 3yr Relationship... HELP Please!
February 26, 2000
10:07 pm
Avatar
glassgrl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am desperately seeking some insight into how to recover from breaking up with my partner of 3 years. I am currently in therapy with a doctor that I like very much and who has helped me in the past a lot but this is not enuff. I have been fighting severe depression for a very long time through many different types of therapy. I was starting to feel better recently but now that this has happened Im back in the bottomless pit again.
I love him passionately like I have no one else including an ex husband of ten years. I know I need to move on and I WANT to but I dont know how to. The pain is so intense I just want to die but I wont kill myself becuz I dont want to put him and family through that. I wouldnt want anyone else to feel guilty over me.
We both say the other is our best friend and are both devastated at losing that but the end of the relationship is necessary. He is much younger than I am and needs to have more experiences in life before he settles down with one person. He is only 24. We both agree on this because he is not sure what he wants or what love means to him or if he loves me after 3 years. He did not want to break up with me but we both agreed it was necessary. He said he hopes that perhaps sometime in the future maybe we could hook up again when he figures some stuff out but we both agree that he might figure out that we are not right for each other and cant count on getting back together again in the future so we need to make a clean break and move on and END it. Let go of each other completely.
I was suffering after our initial breakup but was coping surprisingly well considering my history with depression. I am no longer coping well at all becuz 2 weeks after we split I accidentally found out that he is already seeing someone (and has been for almost 2 weeks) and things have progressed quite far with them already. When I went to get the last of my stuff we talked about it and he said that he still cares deeply for me and cried and said he thinks he may be making the biggest mistake in his life by us splitting. He also said that he is jumping into things with other people becuz its part of testing the waters to find out what he really wants and also becuz a new relationship is so exciting and fresh and fun and it eases the pain of ending ours. I think he really didnt want to hurt me and I dont want to hurt him either. I dont want to think 'maybe in the future we will get together again' because we very likely will not and thinking that way makes it harder to let go of him but its hard not to. We both consider the other our soul mate (sounds corny I know) but we know that the timing of our relationship was off from the start because of him being too young. We had something incredibly special and rare but many problems too. If he settled down with me right now he would miss a lot of experiences that a young person should have with relationships and experimentation and sex and whatnot. So I dont blame him. But since I know he is seeing someone already and going to places where we used to go and she is sleeping in my bed and all of that stuff I just get no internal peace at all. It doesnt help to just try not to think about it. I dont seem to be able to do ANYTHING at all so trying to distract myself is impossible. Presently I am living with my parents but it is impossible to make friends or do anything here becuz its so isolated. I want to move back to the city where my partner and I lived but Im afraid to. Im afraid of not being able to cope alone and afraid I will run into him or see him becuz we hang in the same areas and Im afraid that the closer I am to him the more tempted I will be to call him and become obsessive and do stupid things. I have no friends... a result of the depression, and I want to make some and meet new people but its very hard to do and even harder as we get older. And no one wants to be around me when Im like this. Even my family is fed up with me being in emotional turmoil all the time. I know I need a life! I do not work but will be collecting disability soon if everything with that works out ok. That is good becuz then I can move out on my own and start to become self sufficient. I am an artist but I find I cant work at all when I feel this way and the one art class I am taking at college has become a huge burden and source of stress becuz of deadlines Im having trouble meeting. I know, its the only thing Im doing and its only one class but I cant seem to keep up or find the energy or enjoyment that I need from it.
I need to get some relief from the pain and thinking about him all the time. Im desperate for that. I thought perhaps if I went away for a month or so it might be an emotional and physical break from him that I need to be able to cope with it again. But my mom says that 'running away' wont help and that the situation would still be here when I got back. BUT healing isnt happening anyhow. I miss him so much.
We wanted to remain friends but knew it would take some time for that to be able to happen. I knew he would eventually be seeing other people but I didnt think I would have to deal with this so fast and have it right in my face. I thought if we were friends it would be something in the background and not something that we would discuss out in the open at least not right away but now I dont think we can be friends at all becuz it hurts way too much.
I know, I know, the pain will eventually go away but I need to know how to cope with it NOW. I dont know what to do. I just cry all the time and Im sinking further into a pit that Im afraid I wont be able to get out of again.
I wish I could go back to not knowing he was seeing her although it definitely reinforces the fact that I need to move on with my life right away and not pine over him. But how?

February 27, 2000
8:40 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How do yo cope with the pain?

I used to fight my horrible headaches...then one day I relaxed. I fell into the pain..didn't enjoy it but just let it be there. Eventually i slept and later the headache was more manageable.

Heartache....the loss of a love and a best friend at the same time. Tough... and very hard to get through.

Yes, eventually the pain will go away..and you just need to cope NOW. Just for the next minute, the next second, the next day.

I think if you got out of the pit once you will get onut if it again. doesn't sound like you liked the pit much. But sometimes life can seem a pit. Been there in that black wallow of despiar.. Couldn't your art reflect your pain.?

I used to write to release the pain. Look back at it now and see all the despair. there are still days I could write that way but many more where I could describe the joy that is also in life.
Without the black wallows would joy be as joyous? Would love be as sweet?

If you have a dr. that is good...go more often.

Hey..why not blame him? His quickness to find a new lover has obviously really hurt you and it isn't fair.

If there is noone to pamper you... pamper yourself!!!! Had a bubble bath lately? Been to the tanner lately?

You sound like you have a strong core. and you sound like you are very compassionate. Noone can take the pain away now...but you already know it will ease.

I am sorry for your pain. Hug yourself
cuddle up on the sofa and watch old movies. Cry. Your heart is broken and it needs to be tended and mended. No one can do that for you but you.

Take care....

February 28, 2000
5:22 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My heart is with you. I was in this very pit of hell a year ago almost to the day. I lost almost 25 pounds, work went south although I am in sales and had enough renewals to sustain me. Didn't sleep right, eat right, you name it. My friends all abandoned me because of the tail spin I went into. You sound as though yours have too. If so, don't be so easy on them. I know for me, I was always there for everyone of them. ALL OF THEM! My time, money, you name it I supported them to the point of being pathetic. I was the typical codependent caretaker. Always a project, and believe me, this group was so fucking pathetic it kept me busy. So, fuck the friends that abandoned you. Really. Were they really that good of friends? I think not.

Now, for the more immediate problem. What about medications for the depression? Do they work, or is that not an option for you. I tried them, really didn't do anything for me. I will tell you how I made it through the bucket of shit.

First, I cried. Cried alot. So, keep crying. It is VERY theraputic. If your angry, stomp, yell, hit a punching bag. DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU FEEL LIKE DOING TO GET IT OUT. THIS IS CRITICAL. VERY CRITICAL. AND IF ANY SOB TELLS YOU TO CALM DOWN, GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF, EVEN YOUR MOM AND DAD, GIVE THEM A BIG FAT FUCK YOU FROM ME, OK?

People are so stupid. Really they are. So many people, including my ex dumbshit shallow friends of 15 years. They said my therepay shit was just that, shit. I didn't need to change myself, just find a different girl.. MOVE ON. GET A LIFE. YADDA YADDA YADDA That made me think I was nuts. Man, what assholes.

Anyway, I eventually figured out through therapy, Codepenents anonymous, etc. that they were the fucked up ones. I wasn't all together healthy, especailly when I was a part of that sick system, but now, looking myself in the mirror was completely healthy. Examiming me was the best thing I could do. Yell, cry, etc. Do it all she said to me. Do I say the same to you.

While your crying, etc. we need to start taking itsy bitsy steps towards a NEW HEALTHIER YOU. Get used to the term codpendency. Of course, your therapist has probalbly told you this already. I prefer the term OUTER DEPENDENCY, MEANING WE GET OUR FEELING OF SELF WORTH FROM OTHERS: BUSINESS ASSOCITATES, OUR MATES, CHILDREN, ETC. You hve it, your ex has it, etc. Take your ex. Two weeks and hes with another girl, and its really progressed. Don't sweat that one. First, shes a rebound. He even admits it. And, rebounds NEVER last. NEVER. They are built on one thing and one thing only. INFATUATION. Once the warm fuzzies subside, he will either be back on your doorstep, or on to the next. Its his pattern. We all have one. And one thing I can promise you, besides his new woman and him crashing and burning, is this. HE IS WHO HE IS. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE. NEITHER OF YOU WILL EVER CHANGE, UNLESS, AND ONLY UNLESS, YOU CHANGE IT YOURSELF. NOONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU, AND YOU CAN'T DO IT FOR ANYONE ELSE! THATS A FACT. SECOND, IF YOU WANT THIS TO BE THE LAST PIT OF HELL YOU FALL INTO, QUIT WALKING ON THAT SIDE OF THE FREAKING STREET.

This is the pychology behind it. Your pattern is unique to you, and similar to millions. You choose the same type of man over and over and over. They may look different, talk dfferent, etc., but they were all the same at the core. I can tell this without even meeting them. Why? Because humans are predictable. creatures of habit, and we never change our habits. We either don't see a problme with them even though our life is in hell, or its too painful to change and must easier, comfortable, to stay where we are at. That is where you ex is. He is on to the next, and will do it again, again, and again. His life is already written unless he does what Ihave done, and your about to do. Ready to end this shit once and for all?

OK, I am assuming you are. So, aside from possible medications helping, all that will help is comfort from your real friends, family, and this site. I would HIGHLY recommend codependents anonymous. YOU NEED A GROUP TO GO TO. God, it really helps. Let me know if you can't find one and I will try to help. Next, pickup some books and educate your self on codpendency. Meallie Beattie, Pia Mellody are excellent authors. Exercise. this is key. They will charge your endorphines, which gives your body a natural high. Its like a pick me up. At least get up and walk around the block a few times. SOemthing to start, and work your way up. Incresae everything you do weekly. IF you walk a block, increase it to two . Read these books. They will shed some light on the issue of codependency. Read, read, and more reading. Find a support group. Take the baby steps. I need to know what you think about this. I know what I knwo. I don't know it all, but I have lived what your living.

And remember, don't worry about your ex. I promise you it will not last. IT WILL NOT LAST. IT WON'T LAST WITH HER, OR THE NEXT 10. I hate to say this, but I do as a warning. I would expect him to call, stop by, or something. When this other woman goes south, and it will, he will seek out the familiar and comfortable. He knows your sad, you want him. That will drive him back. Next week, next month, who knows. I am wiling to bet it won't be too long. NOw, this is where you will make or break yourself. Change your number, address, whatever you have to do to shut him off. Doon't go around the places he does, or do anything that may give you info. on him, etc. That will hurt you worse, and especially if he can talk to you. You are vulnerable. You wiould go back. Despie what you think, you would. And I promise you you would crash again. And thus, be right back here. Trust me on this. And trust that I am right. I have learnied alot this last year. I ahve read it, done it, grouped it, therapied it, etc. You name it. This is the way to go. Get a game plan together. Your walking, talking, therapy, books, etc. Tapes when your in the car. And idle mind is, well, you know. But a walkman tape player and get some codpendent tapes. Listen when your not doing anything else. Again, let me know what you think. I am here to help. And you will make it. You are a good person. You are loved, and loveable. You ex, well, he is lost too. Codpenendcy will stay until you get rid of it. Or, it gets rid of you. Thats the point your at. I am glad you aren't going to end your life. That is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Take it day by day, and I triple promise you you will make it. And if you do it the right way this time, and really learn about you, your issues, where they come from, and eliminate them once and for all, you will never fall into this pit again. thats a promise. also, if this therpist isn't helping, you may want to try another.

Broc

February 28, 2000
7:06 pm
Avatar
glassgrl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you, thank you, Janes and Broc,

People keep telling me to fall into the pain and not fight it. When I attempt to do this I get completely out of control and cant function anymore. Im going to 'attempt' to not think of the future or the past at all. The future makes me terribly anxious and is usually only fantasies, good and bad. The past just makes me depressed right now. So I can only try to do the itsy bitsy thing and just cope NOW for the next minute, hour,...

I like the doctor I have, her specialty is cognitive therapy. Ill try to see her more and bring up the topic of codependancy (something I was surprised to learn about on this site cuz thru the years Ive been in many many types of therapy). I have been an outpatient for about a year at The Clarke Institute of Psychiatry in Toronto and tried so many drugs Ive lost count. None of them worked a bit for the depression. ECT worked only fair but at least helped. I have never heard of codeps anonymous in Canada. Ive done a little looking but found nothing yet. I think a group like that would be great.

The reason I liked him when I met him was because he had his head on straight and tried to work things out logically and not with his emotions ALL the time like I do. My ex's past pattern has not been to just jump into the next relationship, this is the first time he's done that. Usually he goes for months without seeing anyone at all. You think he's starting a new pattern? He says he's doing it this way because he wants to test the waters and have the experiences fast becuz he wants to figure himself out fast cuz he knows Im not going to be an option if it takes him 5 years. We both acknowledge he could find out that he doesnt want me and doesnt love me. So Im going on as if that is the case. But he seems sincere when he says that Im the only one he can picture in his future even though that can change. And I believe he has shown some very intense feelings for me during this breakup. He cried as much as I did. (I doubt hes crying now though haha.) Broc thanks for your words about her being a rebound and them never lasting. I WANT to believe that so bad. But then I start wondering if I should think about that at all. But for some warped reason Im looking forward to the day when they do crash and burn. I know what I could do to speed that up but Im trying to be a good girl and keep my nose out of it. Bleh.

Ill be sure to pick up some of the books you and others have recommended. Im ready to try ANYTHING to feel better and get a life. Exercise is something I am looking into although Ive NEVER been one to exercise in my life. I hate it with a passion but I know about how its supposed to help with depression and might help with my poor body image too.

I know that if he called me and they split up that I would be happy happy happy. But I also know that he wont have had enuff time away from me to find out if he really wants/loves me or not.
He has some issues with his sexuallity that he needs to explore and until he does I wont go near him. My goal at this point is to not see, talk, or write letters to him for 6 months at least preferably a year (although I think doing it for three months is going to be hard). Becuz of some nasty stuff I told him when I picked up the last of my stuff he doesnt think Id ever talk to him again so Im not too concerned about him calling and stuff at least for a few months. The only thing he can do is email me so I feel reasonably comfortable with not being bugged. I figure if he loves and wants me then six months apart wont change that. What do you think about this idea?

I just happened to find a store that specializes in audio books, I'll definitely check it out, see if they have codep stuff. What a good idea! I could stick on those earphones and not have to talk to anyone at school if I dont want to. Would also prevent me from brooding about all the sad things.

Broc you wrote, "You are a good person. You are loved, and loveable." I know EVERYONE is SUPPOSED to be that but look around you. Im sure you know people who are NOT that. They are angry, hard to get along with, moody, or whatever. There are many reasons why I can see someone would NOT want to be with me. Im not just coming down hard on myself, Im being dead honest about who I am. I am a very fucking difficult person to get along with. I am what you would call a "high maintenance person". I think thats why I have made so few friends over the years. That and the fact that I am kinda boring.

What do you think about the idea I had about going away for a while? (See original Post)

Im very very grateful to have everyone's input. Thankx so much for taking the time.

glassgrl

February 28, 2000
7:38 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No...everyone may not seem to be lovable but take another look around and see all the assholes who seem to have great lives and relationships.

Of course you are difficult to get along with but I don't think your are really being honest with yourself. You have been rejected so of courst your brain and head are saying it's becuas of me

STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!

Start your itsy bitsy steps and get to work. Cry read Work on you...ten to one when you get to the real you you won't be so hard to get along with because you are going to be HAPPY WITH YOURSELF AND NOT SUCH A PAIN IN THE BUTT CODEPENDANT!!!!!

My area has no groups for codeps (CODA)
but from my reading groups like ACOA adult children of alcohalics...and or Al-Anon for families are close....all those people are co dependent too. They are t least a group of caring sharing peole.

Get to work glsgirl...
You can do it!!!

February 29, 2000
9:40 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I can compleely sympathize with what you're going through, believe me. I know you liek your therapist, but remember that there are other schools of thought when it comes to therapy. I'm actually studying psychology, and my favorite type is existential psychology. It was created by a psychologist who survived the Auschwitz Jewish Internment camp during WWII, the worst internment camp the Nazis had created. He lost his wife, who was the love of his life, and saw several friends die of starvation or execution right in front of him. He was also forced to dig burial mounds for his compatriots.

Anyways, although the center for this school is in Vienna, you can buy the book he wrote right after his release. It's called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, and should be mandatory reading for anyone suffering from depression (as I am still struggling with, after some months of heavy illegal drug use).

It sounds cliche, but all it takes is time. And also, unfortunately, when you are suffering from severe depression, you tend to have circular thinking patterns. That is to say, you think about your problems but are unable to think of solutions. That is very common among depressed patients. The key to breaking out of that cycle is to expose yourself to other ways of thinking. I did this by reading about eastern philosophy and existentialism, but you can do it by many other ways.

I also volunteered for about 3 months at a veterans hospital. I mainly stayed in the nursing home, reading and talking to patients. They helped me to value my youth and mobility. You could try volunteering at a suicide crisis center or hospice, or you could go the other route and volunteer at a library reading to young children or anywhere you like. It not only helps you to get over your own problems (which will suddenly become miniscule in the face of a diabetes patient who has lost his legs!!, or will fade away when you get hugged by adoring lttle children), it will help you to meet new people and create a support network for yourself.

Also, start a journal. Meditate every day, staring at a candle flame. When you wake up, go for a walk in the sun, you don't have to go to a gym and pump iron to get exercise. Get a puppy. Take a trip (like you suggested) to someplace sunny.

As for your ex, I don't know about him. I have a neighbor who just ruined a perfectly good relationship with a wonderful girl because he wanted to explore his options or whatever. I'm only 20, my boyfriend is 21. We just got engaged, because we know that we don't want to see other people. I mean, if you love each other you can work anything out. He says all these nice things, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. To me, he sounds very selfish. And cruel. To say that you wouldbe "unviable" in 5 years is a load of horseshit. Love isn't about being close in age. My dad is 21 years older than my mom, they've been married for almost 35 years. It's about generosity and trust. THe fact thathe was seeing someone else (as was my neighbor) belies his selfish, self-centered nature.

Do not think that there is something wrong with you or the relatioship you developed with this man. He was wrong to treat you the way he did, to give those reasons for breaking up, to see someone behind your back. You should be righteously angry.

February 29, 2000
2:13 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ok, about going away. Easy answer. I quote, from which book I can't remember, but it went like this. Wherever you go, there you are. You can't escape the pain. Most think they can. But the pain is not your breakup. The breakup is only a symptom of the problem. Kind of like alcohol with an alcoholic. You have issues. And until you find out what they are, you will stay in this pit of shit. You will eventually come out for brief glimpses of happiess, but will end up there again. That is a fact!

No, hes not starting a new pattern.
Its been there the whole time. I am not saying he has had girfriend after girfriend. I am talking about girlfrineds to one night stands, or visa versa. Not rel. to rel. necessarily. The ONLY other possiblity is that he never had the opportunity to do any of that. You came along, and he snatched it. Then, he got to looking around, and figured he needs to sow his oats a little. Now that I think about it, this sounds more the case. It was no coincidence that you guys broke up, then there was another girl. That doesn't happen UNLESS she came into the picture, and then he broke up for you. So, its one or the other. Girl to girl, to girl, OR, he never could do it for whatever reason and jumped at the first girl to pay attention to him. Then time goes on, he starts looking over his shoulder, the next girl comes along, it looks like a sure thing, he tells you adios. Yes, thats it! That is why he is doing the crying, etc. He does care about you. Make no mistake about that. But keep this in mind. In a healthy rel., a breakup is a breakup. DONE! YOu part knowing what happened, and that life needs to move on. You don't keep the strings attached. Why? Because you can't move on with them. Its called detachment. You don't tell the other person, I can see us in the future. IF you could, then you would stay with them. He isn't 100% sure of this new girl. SO, he wants to keep the door open, even if just slightly. This i promise you. I did it myself, and so do my ex's to me. Its extra security.
But thats his issues, which he needs to identify and fix. YOU BOTH HAVE ALOT OF WORK TO DO. AND NOT JUST TO BE TOGETHER.

Listen, there is a pattern here. Janes, CICI, me. We know what we are talking about. Get to work on you, and I triple promise you your world will just natually come together. its really great. CICI a long time ago put it best. She was speaking of herself at the time, and it reelly hit me cause it really realates to ALL of us. She was describing how her misery created turmoil in her life. But once she looked within and fixed this internal conflict, her world FINALLY came together. See? Only after you fix whats wrong in you will your life even have a CHANCE of improving.

Hugs!
Broc

February 29, 2000
4:47 pm
Avatar
glassgrl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Broc, You are right. He didnt have enuff of a chance to do those things. And thats why we both felt he should go out and do them. Becuz only being completely away from me for an extended period of time will he ever know how he really feels or if what he really wants is to play. We both know he was too young to get involved with me becuz he had not had enuff experiences to settle down. Does that make him a dog for what hes doing now? We are doing what we agreed on. Im just sorry I found out about the new girl so fast. I hate that it hurts so much. And I know I shouldnt even think of the possibility of a future with him when its very unlikely we have one. Its the most tragic thing in the world to think that two people who care as much about each other as we do cant be together becuz of bad timing.

Janes he did not tell me I would not be a viable option. He was saying that he doesnt expect me to wait around for him for ages. I dont agree with you that if you love each other you can work anything out. I wish it were that way. You say you just got engaged. What would you do if in a few months your boyfriend started saying he wasnt SURE how he felt about you, that he was wondering if maybe hes too young to settle down with one person? What do you do if you love someone but they say they arent sure they know what love means to them, that they always thought of love as being that infatuation thing that happens at the beginning of a relationship but realize now that its not. And now they sometimes think they might be in love with you but dont really know what love means anymore. What do you do when you know that person thinks you are a rare and unique person and cares for you deeply? What do you do?

How long did it take any of you to get over this kind of heartache? I dont think I can do it if it takes years.

February 29, 2000
8:59 pm
Avatar
everblue
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Glassgrl,

I don't post a lot here but I do follow the site and have been for a while now. I feel so bad for you - I was in a similar situation 4 years ago, only the problem was not age, it was a huge distance (6000 miles). The big difference was that he decided not to bother telling me when or why he ended it, and after he didn't show up for a promised visit, I never heard from him again despite many pleading letters and emails.

Anyway my point is that I could not have been more convinced that he was my soulmate. I still don't think I'll ever meet anyone with whom I have more in common with or a better connection. It took me so long to even believe it was over. And when I finally did, it was almost a relief but it hurt SO BAD. Broc and Cici know what they are talking about. It is largely through reading their posts that I have felt myself getting better. I went through a major depression over this, contemplated suicide for many long months, went in and out of counseling, etc. And I was never one to "fall" for a guy, or to be so caught up in any relationship - I was always so independent. I don't believe coda is the problem, I'm more of a loner in general but there was definitely a problem.

Well for a long time I'd think I was finally over it, but every now and then it would just come back and knock me flat. I mean, suicidal, cynical, just HURTING so much - exactly like your post. It does improve slowly. I am still not 100%, I feel very cynical about relationships and I doubt I'll ever open up the way I did with him. The good thing is that one day you will just wake up and realize it doesn't hurt anymore. At first it will subside to just a dull ache, then it will slowly just go away. I wish I could tell you it will go quickly, but it has taken me 2 years to get to this point. I will never understand why he did what he did, at least you have that understanding. It may not feel like it matters now, but one day it will.

Glassgrl, you can get through it. Lean on the people on this site. They will help so much. Please don't give up on life. Imagine if you cut out now and miss out on something so much better in the future. You would be kicking yourself for giving it all up over the wrong guy. Good luck! If you ever want to talk, leave your email address and I'll send you mine.

-everblue

February 29, 2000
11:55 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What would I do if the person I loved thought that infatuation (the stuff at the beginning) was true love.

I'd wonder how deep the brain cells went.

sorry having a really bad day here.

You sound way to intelligent way to compassionate and way to creative to have been in a realtionship with a really shallow person. Maybe he just sounds shallow in the understading of emotions part.
'sides...i hope if someone tinks I am rare and unique and they love me...they will be a bit more honest.

I am getting the feeling maybe you are not just heartborken but royally pissed off that this young twit can be so crass and cold.

How long will it take...as long as it takes.

Denial is not a river in Egypt.

March 1, 2000
11:33 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Did you stop to ask yourself why he is able to ease into a new relationship so quickly? It's the comfort of a warm body, a person there. Not the person herself.

Regardless of whether it is societally imposed or a real, genetic, gender difference, men and women process thoughts and emotion differently. They make different connections. It has been a common theme through history that men lust and women love. How do you know if someone truely loves you? It's not in their words. I never trust protestations of undying love and devotion. I'd rather not have the words at all. It is the actions that speak the most eloquently. Actions that show the devotion and committment, actions that show that he is willing to compromise (as are you) to make the relationship work out.

Saying that he is too young is his own testament to his immaturity. But the fact that he openly sees this other so quickly belies a certain callousness, or an inability to see how his actions might affect you.

There is no such thing as "falling out of love." that is the excuse of the self-centered person who never understood love in the first place.

March 1, 2000
6:28 pm
Avatar
glassgrl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Everblue,
You are right, it is better to know. Your experience of no contact or explanations must have made it extremely difficult to resolve anything within yourself. 2 years is a long time. I cant do 2 years of this.

Janes, I think you misunderstood some of what I wrote. I said that he doesnt know if he loves me, he needs to find out, thats why we decided to do this. By being completely separated and him finding out what he REALLY wants I hope that he will come to realize what love is and that he loves me. But the fact is he could well find the opposite. There is no question in my mind that he cares deeply for me. And he WAS honest.

Cici, you are right it is the warm body and not so much the person. He aknowledged that it was an attempt to feel less pain and try to find out what he really wants as fast as possible. Does he love me? He says he doesnt know becuz he doesnt know what love is anymore and hes totally screwed up about whether he loves me or not. His actions when we were together showed me that he loves me but who am I to say if he says he doesnt know? Its been something hes been wondering/contemplating for about a year now.

March 1, 2000
7:32 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

glassgrl,

First, its not bad timing. I call that a file 13 saying. Similar to, you just haven't met the "right" one, or "we're just not a good match", etc.

Now, let me qualify that. In the first few weeks/dates, you really get to know the person. Likes, dislikes, etc. You form an opinion, and either move on with that person (he/she is your type), or move on without them. We could use that saying, hes a good match, my type, etc. here.

After the initial I will show you mine, you show me yours, and the real fun begins, this is where relationships are divided into a whole new set of categories.

Shit, I am confusing myself.

After you have been dating past the initial courtship period, the period where you both decide this needs to be pursued further, you really get into the meat and potatoes of the relationship. You have weeded out the other pieces of coal (or so you thought, but I will get into this later)to find your gem. Your diamond. Gee, isn't life just fucking great! Its the one. Its a perfect match. I have NEVER felt this way before, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah. Ring any bells?

Anyway, one, two, three years pass and then, one or both of you finally decides, I need to experiment more, I didn't live my life to the fullest, there is a better "match" for me, you, etc. No. No way. Doensn't work that way. Because 99% of the population believes this is the right way, the way it goes, and 99% of the relationships are sick and screwed up. It can't be right. You know it. I know it, and so do many that are in recovery.

This is how the real world works. When you aren't in recovery, you could be the richest, prettiest, sexiest,....whateever you think, you will be no better off, and in many cases worse off than you are right this minute. Why you ask? Because even though the OUTSIDE elements have changed, money, job, cloths, car, the INSIDE hasn't changed. That is whats inside of you. Take Donald Trump for example. Multi multi millionaire. Love life is shit. Two divorces, and counting. Liz Taylor, need I say more. Bill Clinton. It doesn't matter. Power, wealth, success. Throw it out. You are who you are, and unless YOU CHANGE YOU, your fucked. That is a fact of life.

Boy, I get on a tangent sometimes don't I.

What I am trying to get across is that yes, it was bad timing, if you want to call it that, for you and your ex. But guess what? It will be bad timing with his next girl, and the next, and the next, etc. Maybe not always the excuse of bad timing, but it will be that, or we aren't a good match, or we outgrew each other, or or or or or some other excuse. And you will suffer the same shitty fate again if you dont' change. Go through this pain. Learn dammit! Learn about you. Read. Cry, Learn. Repeat over and over...read cry learn. Do this long enough, and you will be glad you did. I promise you that.

Your ex., well, his is coming. In fact, he is already getting it. This relationship WILL NOT LAST. None of them will. And for the time they are together, it won't be a bowl of cherrys. Why? Again, nothing has changed. He will probably mark it up to, "Hey, I am not happy, wonder why?" "OHhHHH, I got it, I haven't screwed enough woman yet!" "Yeah, thats it. It MUST be the reason" So he will, and when he gets done, he will still be shaking his head wondering, "Fuck, I'm still not happy" He will continue to use the FILE 13 excuses everyone else uses until the day he dies. I know. I was him. I had many more chances that he did though. I was living the fast live from 19 on. I went to bed with over 90 woman. No shit. And thats probably a low estimate. But, I still used the same excuse he is. "I need to get out and really live life to see what I want." I used that excuse all the time with woman. Now what? Thats not the real issue. the real issue is this. Write this down. tatoo it to your forhead.

He, like you, is codependent. You both look outside of yourself to "get filled up". You are empty wells thinking that you can make him happy, he will make you happy, and so on. You can't. Never could. The reason he is out sowing his oats is he thinks it was his lack of experiences that is smoldering his happiness. It is not. He is smoldering his happiness. He isn't happy with himself. Never has been, never will be, UNTIL he gets into recovery, like you, and finds out he is more than enough for HIMSELF to make himself a full and happy person.

Sorry to ramble. You will find that those old "sayings" really don't apply to the REAL world. As I mentioned earlier, the "we aren't a good match, etc...." only apply when your courting. After you have been together for six months, a year, two, etc. and don't work, you can sure as hell bet that there is major issues at play. Its not a simple, we aren't right for each other. Its more like a we aren't right for ANYONE until we are right for ourselves.

I hope you get what I am trying to say. You are a strong girl. For once, get off the fu-king train, and get right with you. Its either that, or stay on it, and repeat your pattern. NExt time though, it will be worse. That is also a promise. Learn this time so that you don't repeat. You won't get lucky. You won't avoid it by just being a good girl. You have to change. Period. Therapy! Books! Work your ass off!

Broc-

PS - Forgot something. Remember me talking about sorting through the pieces of coal to find your diamond. This is a real kicker. The pieces you threw out WERE the ones you should have kept. In short, you choose what is familar to you. It comes from our childhoods. We pick in a mate what makes us feel at home, even though you swore to god you would never pick anyone like dad, etc. Anyway, we WILL ALWAYS pick those that are the worst for us, only because we are still screwed up. Make sense? it will after you have been here long enough. Bottom line, its your pattern. You choose the same type, over and over, and it never works. And, it never will, unless you make this change. When you do, you will be looking at life with different eyes, healthier eyes. You will be attracted to, and attracted by, guys 180 degrees the opposite. It is true. Isn't this true Hazza, janes, cici. Wheres the females at?

March 2, 2000
11:31 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bang on target broc,
we reject the ones that would have been a better "match " for us! i found that one out all by myself!!!
haz

March 21, 2000
5:22 pm
Avatar
everblue
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Glassgrl are you still out there? How are you doing?

March 29, 2000
3:50 pm
Avatar
relax
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Is anyone still here, I need to talk

March 29, 2000
7:24 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Relax...why don't you click on "start a new thread" and then you will have a home that at least starts out all yours?

April 14, 2000
11:00 am
Avatar
jack off
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

look for someone better

April 14, 2000
11:04 am
Avatar
jack off
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How do yo cope with the pain?

I used to fight my horrible headaches...then one day I relaxed. I fell into the pain..didn't enjoy it but just let it be there. Eventually i slept and later the headache was more manageable.

Heartache....the loss of a love and a best friend at the same time. Tough... and very hard to get through.

Yes, eventually the pain will go away..and you just need to cope NOW. Just for the next minute, the next second, the next day.

I think if you got out of the pit once you will get onut if it again. doesn't sound like you liked the pit much. But sometimes life can seem a pit. Been there in that black wallow of despiar.. Couldn't your art reflect your pain.?

I used to write to release the pain. Look back at it now and see all the despair. there are still days I could write that way but many more where I could describe the joy that is also in life. Without the black wallows would joy be as joyous? Would love be as sweet?

If you have a dr. that is good...go more often.

Hey..why not blame him? His quickness to find a new lover has obviously really hurt you and it isn't fair.

If there is noone to pamper you... pamper yourself!!!! Had a bubble bath lately? Been to the tanner lately?

You sound like you have a strong core. and you sound like you are very compassionate. Noone can take the pain away now...but you already know it will ease.

I am sorry for your pain. Hug yourself cuddle up on the sofa and watch old movies. Cry. Your heart is broken and it needs to be tended and mended. No one can do that for you but you.

Take care....

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38546
Posts: 714227
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer