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Encounter with the Ex
December 1, 2000
9:47 am
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snickerz
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Ok, Let me give you a brief history.... I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. He was with his previous girlfriend for 6 years. They lived together, and after they broke up, it took her 2 years to get all her crap out of his house. When he and I started dating, her stuff was still there, she would still call him and email him. I had a problem with that because it affected our relationship. At first, it was difficult for me to believe that he was serious about me and not hanging on to the past. Finally, after 3 months of us dating, I got him to pack up all her stuff and bring it to her so she could be out of our lives. After that, things were fine except for the fact that this girl hadn't changed her address yet. so, we kept getting her mail at his place. It just really irritated me because they were over, she moved out 2 years before that, and she was still holding on to him, and the fact that it didn't bother him, made it seem to me like he was still holding on to her. Does that all make sense? I hope so.

Anyway, things have been fine lately, and we haven't heard from her in awhile...until last night. We had a volleyball game, and guess what...She was there! I walked in and saw her. I knew it was her because I had seen pictures, and the fact that my heart started racing and I thought I was going to puke, made it pretty clear to me that it was her. I went back outside and decided to wait out there for my boyfriend and warn him. When he got there, I told him and he asked me what he should do. I said, "You can say hello if you want, but I really don't want you talking to her." I didn't think I was out of line for asking for that. So, we walked in and what does he do? HE stops right by her and starts talking to her. HE didn't even introduce me so after awhile I left and sat down on the other side of the bench. I was so mad! I thought I was going to die. He talked to her for about 10 minutes and then came over. I told him I was upset and hurt and he didn't understand why.

Am I way out of line for feeling like this?? How can I get past this? I feel so stupid and worthless. The fact that she is a lot prettier than me didn't make it any easier. Last night I started to wonder why he was even with me when he could still be with her. Help!

December 1, 2000
12:02 pm
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a note upon his desk.. p.s...
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perhaps you should talk to him and tell him that you are worried about the situation of her presence hanging around.. and it bothers you alot and it makes you feel extremely uncomfortable. let him know how you feel.. and ask him how he is going to deal with this situation.. the decisions belongs to him and he has to be responsible about it.. if he still have mix feelings about her.. then i dont think it's a good idea for him to jump into another relationship until he is fully done with her.. but if it's just friendship terms.. then it should be ok and you should not worry too much about it.. but most important is that he should be honest with you about how he feels and how he is goign to handle the situation..

December 1, 2000
6:52 pm
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Molly
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You sound way to insecure to me, and a bit controlling. Might take a look at you and why in such a short time you are so attached to the guy, and so threatened with his past. Sounds like he was polite and you were acting out on your fears. It also sounds like this relationship, moved on way to fast, be careful.

December 1, 2000
10:06 pm
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janes
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From the other side I would give ANYTHING to be able to just talk to an old friend...without a guilt trip or the 3rd degree from my husband.

Loosen up...if this relationship is going to last you are going to have to work on the issue of trust.

Fact is...he CAN leave and go back to her or someone else..at any time...if HE chooses. After all...this is his life too. You want to be able to trust him...and maybe you can....

There is no proof they are trying to get back together. And maybe after what they had together there is a strong friendship.

Life is way to short to not enjoy all the people we know. If the person you love has someone they care about...can't you care too? a little?

December 4, 2000
1:23 pm
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Cici
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I agree with Janes. You have to be secure in our relationship and the fact that he chose to be with you rather than her!

I know how it feels from the other side, to have to constantly worry about your partner's self esteem and not talk to old friends or lovers because you don't want them to feel hurt or upset with you.

My fiance and I are getting married next June by his ex-girlfriend's father (who happens to be his family's minister). We even had Thanksgiving dinner with his ex-girlfriend's family, and I sat and chatted with her and I realized that she is a person, with insecurities and worries just like me, not some super-evil demon from hell who won't let go of her old boyfriend.

December 7, 2000
9:53 am
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Mister
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Well, I would have to disagree with most of you, especially Molly. I don't think Snickerz sounds insecure at all. If any one of us were put in that situation (running into the ex) we would all feel awkward. That is a VERY difficult situation. The fact that she was mature enough and told her boyfriend that he could say hello says something. It's not like she said, "If you say anything to her, I'll leave you". She simply said, "you can say hello if you want" and she tried to express her concern. As for him being polite, I don't see that at all. Yes, he was polite to his Ex by saying hello, but he was very rude to his girlfriend by not introducing her. How would you feel if your significant other didn't introduce you to someone? I know that I would feel out of place. It's happened to me before and I know the feeling.

Snickerz- You have every right to feel upset and hurt, but you also have to realize you have no control over this. If he wants to keep in touch with his ex, that's his choice and although you don't have to agree with it or support it, you can't try to stop it. Sucks, doesn't it? I think you need to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him your concerns and your fears. It seems to me, there is more to this situation that you have told us. That's why I'm not jumping to conclusions and criticizing you prematurely like Molly and the others have done. Good luck with your situation and let us know how it turns out!

Mister

December 7, 2000
11:16 am
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Cici
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Mister, I disagree! I had Thanksgiving dinner with my faince's ex! It wasn't awkward or difficult because of the attitude that I took towards the situation. Maybe you should read the entire post before you judge!

December 7, 2000
6:12 pm
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snickerz
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Mister, thank you for your advice. You are absolutely right. The situation was VERY awkward for me. I knew nothing about this girl except for the fact that during the first few months during my relationship with my boyfriend, she would continue to call him and email him. She would often try to get him to go places with her (without me of course). I don't have a problem with him being friends with her if I get the chance to formally meet her. She needs to know that I am his now and that she can't keep trying to be with him. I'm more upset about the fact that he didn't introduce me. I felt he was embarrased by me. I know that he is with me and if he wanted to be with her, he would be, but sometimes it's difficult to trust the ex. I trust my boyfriend, but to be honest with you, I don't trust other women. I have had too many women, friends or not, try to steal my past boyfriends. I don't know if they really liked them or thought it was a fun challenge. From what I know of his ex, she seems a little flaky. She's not a serious responsible person, and from what his friends have told me about her, I wouldn't doubt she would try to ruin it for me and him since she can't have him. He made it clear to her, that he didn't want to have anything to do with her (that was his own doing) and yet she continued to call. I don't want him to be mean to her. That's unnecessary. But, I do ask that he doesn't give her any false hope. Is that too much to ask? He's the one that didn't want to have contact with her originally. That was not my doing. He had told me that he knew she wanted to get back together with him and that's why he didn't want to be involved with her at all. He told her that he was happily with someone else now. She cried. Poor girl! Not! She had her chance and I really can't feel sorry for her. He says he feels sorry for her, but I don't see why. After what he has told me about her, all the things that have happened in her life, are her fault. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. She was cruel to him in their relationship and she doesn't deserve him. If you all knew the situation first hand, you would agree with me, that she is a threat. I'm not afraid he's going to leave me for her. But, she can do things to try to ruin it between him and me. Does any of this make sense??

Thanks for listening (or reading actually!!)

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