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emotionally overwhelmed
March 19, 2000
10:44 pm
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re
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hi. i am new to this so please bear with me. i am a longstanding codependent and have good times and bad with my codependency. right now is a not so good time. i have been divorced now for about 7 months legally (emotionally it's been years) and am in a relationship with a man who is currently divorcing. he has 2 sons (10, 12) who he cares about very much. i have never had children. he is also a recovering alcoholic. i truly love him and feel loved by him but having a really hard time right now as i have no clue how to have a "normal" relationship (if that's even possible). i have not met the boys yet and the divorce thing is relatively new to them- their parents have been separated for >9 months but just decided last month to divorce. so the time he spends with them is time he has virtually no contact with me. this past week was bad because his to be ex wife and boys got back from a trip and the real stuff hit the fan- anger, rage , and lots of acting up and out from the boys. my boyfriend went into "caveman" mode- you know- the i go to my cave to sort through this and then we can talk. i of course do not respond well to this and feel threatened and scared. i subsequently feel this need to be closer and talk more- well, he has the boys this weekend so that won't work. so i wait until sun night so we can talk about what went on since thurs and what happens but "i don't think i want to talk tonight" "it was a bad weekend". i feel trapped in a catch 22. i understand his need to have time alone to process and feel what he needs to feel but i feel shut out and scared and don't know what to do with those emotions. i tried to tell him i was scared and needed to talk and we did briefly but i still feel abandoned and alone right now. i guess i am trying to figure out where my boundaries should be in this relationship. actually i need to figure out where my boundaries are in most of my relationships 🙂 ah, well. just feeling emotionally overwhelmed right now and looking for some words of wisdom. thanks for letting me vent.

March 20, 2000
1:18 am
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BROC
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RE,

Read all the threads here. It will give you some info. I think will help.

I have been doing this stuff for a year know. ALOT of couseling, etc. From what you have written, my advice is to run, not walk away from him. However, I know you will stay, even if I was there with you to yank you away myself. Its your disease called codependency.

You are a caretaker. ALWAYS looking for projects, and boy you have found a dandy. WOW! Your dad was an alcoholic, mom alway cleaning up after him. Your ex. was too, or at least an -oholic of some type. He was emotionally unavaliable, maybe even physically.....yadda yadda yadda.

Pretty close? Your just repeating your pattern. I don't know how familiar you are to these terms, etc. but its what your doing.

I can see a hundred red flags here, and there will be many more along...Janes, winter, etc. to put in their two cents as well.

You are here looking for a way to help you make this work. Well, unlesss you get some therapy, and your bf gets at least 12 months alone time with some serious counsleling himslef, it will never work. Sorry. God, I hate this. I know how much you want it to work, but the makeup of this rel. is made on quick sand. It is very unhealthy, and at best has very little chance of makeing it. Only with serious cousneling does it even have a chance.

The question you should really be asking yourself is this? What is it about ME that wants a man, not even divorced (and don't give me that emotionally divorced shit), with two small children, who is an alcoholic? WHY IN THE HELL CAN'T YOU SEE THE HUNDREDDS OF RED FLAGS? This is a fantasy.

now, with the tough love part over, I feel for you. The pain sucks, but if you can just take off the rose colored glasses for one second, you will avoid the inevitable pain down the road. I PROMISE you this will crash and burn, so get out before you are so tied it kills you.

Janes, winter, vrj, need a womans input. She is not going to belive me I have a feeling.

B-

March 20, 2000
4:24 pm
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VRJ
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Yes, I agree with BROC, there are a hundred red flags in what you've written. In fact, you should print it out and keep it to look at after you've had some healing time. You know you are codependent. So is he. I agree with BROC also that the best solution would probably be to get out of this relationship and heal before getting into another one. But I think also that you aren't going to do that unless the pain takes you to the bottom. So, the best thing would be to get both of you to counseling, and if not both, at least you. You deserve to free yourself from the constant cycle and repetition. There is peace at the other end and a 'normal' relationship is possible. Love yourself. You absolutely do deserve it.

March 21, 2000
12:32 am
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thanks for the advice and insight broc and vrj. i know all the red flags and have ignored them from the beginning. i don't know what is going to happen but i am trying to work on me and my lack of self esteem. broc- as for trying to read my past- neither of my parents were alcoholic but i do have all kinds of dysfunction in that relationship. they divorced when i was 8 and have subsequently remarried other people and are still married, relatively happily. as for my ex spouse- yes emotionally and physically unavailable; he was addicted to being miserable and i finally realized it wasn't my resposibility to make him happy. of course that is way oversimplifiying my past and glossing over alot but anyway...after having been in a relationship with no emotional availability, i became involved with someone who was partially available. and at least i have moved to picking people in recovery and not actively alcoholic. that's some improvement (sad but true). i realize that i am a caretaker and have always looked for the sick and wounded to nurture to make myself feel better. i am trying to figure out why it is that i became involved in the first place and why i stay if it's so damn difficult at times. there are good things about this relationship and i do realize there are major problems and obstacles. sorting through all of that is difficult and i do appreciate honest and straight shooting insight and advice. i hope to continue to grow and improve my relationship with myself and let the relationship that i am in fall where it may in that process. thanks again.

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