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Emotionally distraught
August 30, 2007
12:17 pm
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sick to my stomach
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It's been two days since I discovered my
spouse was in an emotional affair. I
am completely devastated. It has been
going on for almost ten months. I cried
my eyes out for almost 24 hours and when I
was completely cried out I asked him to
talk to me. He hasn't been checked into
the marriage for sometime but I never suspected he was turning to someone else
for emotional support. God this is killing
me. I am deeply in love with him which is
why this hurts so darn much.

How do I go about healing from this. I
am not willing to chuck my entire marriage
over this misstep.

Any advice?

August 30, 2007
12:38 pm
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atalose
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So sorry you are going through this. Communication is sooo important in any area of life especially a marriage.

Does your husband want to salvage the marriage and do what it is going to take to make it work?

There is alot of hard work ahead for both of you if you decide to stay together and both have to be willing and committed to that, is that what he wants? And are you sure that is what you want? You mentioned he checked out of the marriage sometime ago, didn't that bother you? How did you handle that? What kind of communication did you express to him about your feelings in regards to him checking out of the marriage?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 30, 2007
12:52 pm
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sick to my stomach
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I am very talkative and he is on the quiet side.
He was offered a fabulous employment
offer last fall and we talked about
it and he decided not to take it.
After that he closed down and went into a depression in which I suggested
he get some help which he did. It
wasn't long he quit the therapy and
he became less communicative. I was
very concerned as I felt like I was residing in a morgue of sorts. Lights on but nobody is at home.

This person works with him and was
going thru her own personal hell.
Dealing with health problems and then
her husband left her. I think she
found a shoulder to cry on in my
husband and he was feeling lousy
about his life and the bond was formed. He has sincerely apologized and recognized what happened was a violation of our vows.

August 30, 2007
1:03 pm
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fantas
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Sick,
I'm sorry about what you are dealing with. You must be devastated. I agree with Atalose that you need help to deal with this. Sounds like your husband may still be depressed and even if he has apoligized, this may still happen again if he doesn't get to the bottom of it all. Keep us posted.

August 30, 2007
4:32 pm
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Anonymous
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So this was emotional and not physical then? I think you might have more of a chance to work this through here, maybe they just needed someone to talk to and it was easier to talk to a stranger? I would def try to salvage this, it does concern me that you say he is quiet and you talk alot, so why not talk to you? Is there resentment over him not moving? Did he want to you to move and you didn't? My husband is alos on the quiet side and I do all the talking too. If I did not talk, we would never communicate, but i knew this all along, before we were married, he is just like my dad, ignores me half the time, but at least he is good to me in other ways and doesn't put me down or make me feel bad. Would he talk more to you if you asked?

August 31, 2007
1:28 pm
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sick to my stomach
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We have been talking every night
since I confronted him. He says
he didn't realize it crossed over
the line until I questioned him
on it. As far as the move we
discussed that thoroughly inside
out and upside down and every which
way in between something kept him
from accepting it and no it wasn't me.
I offered to stay behind and ready our
home for sale and he could fly home
whenever he could. This was a spectacular offer, probably a once
in a lifetime thing and well he turned it down. I said whatever your
decision, NO REGRETS but he has
regretted it ever since.

August 31, 2007
1:37 pm
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Anonymous
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Whether he realized he crossed that line or not, is not the problem, the problem is he crossed it and will again. Why did he turn it down? Must of been a reason why he would turn down a good job here. I guess if he did want it, he did what he thought was best for his career or meybe even happiness here. I have moved alot in my life and I don;t want to do it again, its very stresful and hard to get going in a new place, friends take time, getting to know the place and etc can be very stressful. Time to move on from those regrets and let them go and move on here, what is done is done, can't go back now and do differently.

I would go to counseling with or without him. Be well:)

August 31, 2007
1:40 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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What is scary about this - is that he didn't realize he crossed the line.

Which means he may do it again - cuz he seems to not understand where the line is.

Yes, he understands now - but only cuz you called him on it.

I think therapy is required for both of you - individual AND couple's counseling.

The other key to this is HIM wanting to better things - even if you don't want to can the whole marriage over this - you cannot salvage something if he isn't willing to meet you half way.

Also - if he felt you didn't approve of his decisions - he may have turned to someone else that DID approve or understand - he may have felt like he couldn't open up to you for some reason.

I am not trying to "blame" you - just know that sometimes, when our partner things they have done something we disapprove of or they think they have let us down - they may back off of communicating with us - and seek approval from someone else. They may feel like they let us down and be ashamed of that - so they go somewhere else instead of facing us - and the disappointment they caused us.

I am glad he is opening up to you - I hope you can salvage this. Learning to trust a cheater again is VERY hard - been there, done that - and for me, it didn't work. I know many with the same story. I hope this works out for you. Just know that it's not going to be an easy path to take and it's going to take alot of work on BOTH your parts - BUT - most of the work will have to come from HIS side - as he is the one that has the issues that caused this - and he's the one that has to EARN your trust back again.

August 31, 2007
5:16 pm
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sick to my stomach
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I hear what you are saying and
he has expressed deep remorse for
his actions and wants to rebuild
our relationship. I think part
of the healing process is acknowledging we both hold some
responsiblity I believe. I must
not have been there on some level
or shut him down when he did come to me and was totally unaware of it myself.

This person turned to him for emotional support and subsequently
he leaned on her. They both should
have recognized the inappropriatness
of the situation but when emotions
are involved this is what happens
unfortunately.

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