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Emotional maturity Help
December 18, 2002
11:09 am
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Anonymous
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My wife is emotionally immature.She weeps down for stupid things.I believe her emotional health effects her health too? she is insecure & very possessive about me.

December 18, 2002
11:33 am
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I believe that you posted about this a few months ago, where you both moved here from a different country, for your job, and she is having a tough time adjusting. Have things not gotten any better?

December 18, 2002
11:38 am
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I remember you Costy, did she make friends here? Did you try to get counseling?

December 18, 2002
6:01 pm
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Emotional Immaturity, I think that is my problem. I think when it comes to some things I am very emotionally week. Either I am pissed and all butt hurt or I am thinking like a three year old. I hate it!!! Sure I think emotional health has a great deal to do with someones physical health. Dose she talk to you about this? Dose she realize she could be emotional immature?

December 19, 2002
9:01 am
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Dear all,
It was nice to of u guys remembering me.My wife happens to interact with a few people around.she is perhaps better now,but would stillrequire time to get adapted.Here it is not muchof socialising as we still need to be the part of the community here. She has to go to work sometimes during the week,as her experiments are going on.she has interacted with a few indians at her work place.She often complaints that her job is hectic & she never got sufficient time to enjoy after marrige,as 20 days later of marrige we came from india.She never in india was not convinient as here in USA.There she would have been cleaning utensils all day long & would have been engaged in kitchen.here I take her out on weekends .To make her feel at place I bring indian movies for her,which she watches with enthusiasam.Her insecurities & Possesiveness still continues.she would not let me go out of town on a official trip for few days as she continues to feel insecure of loosing me.she often talks of extra maritial relations of which she is scared of.emotional health is something which worries me . At time she weeps drasticaly.She is Masters in Biochemistry,she unnecessarily draws conclusions & gets upset.Other day she had an vaginal itch which was ok after 2 days,but she drew conclusions of various other things & became upset & cried of something happening to her.she fells for a picture perfection in everything.

December 19, 2002
3:16 pm
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Well Costy, do I remember correctly that she didn't want to come to the US? Sounds like she is trying somewhat to make the best of it, but when it comes right down to it, it sounds like she never totally bought into moving. And if you never buy into an idea, there's no way to accept it and make the best of it, honestly. There will always be something wrong with it because it wasn't her desire in the first place.

Another thing I'm extrapolating from your post is that what she grew up with is very different from where she is now. You say that if you were still in India, she would be washing dishes all day. Now in the US she doesn't have to do that, she has a career. How confusing that must be for someone to grow up with one set of expecations, and then suddenly be thrust into a new role with new expectations. I'd be depressed too.

I have moved around a lot myself, all moves inside the US, but most of the time I moved to be with a man. I was invariably unhappy where ever I had gone. I ended up happy where I am now because I moved here for my job, for ME. Not for anyone else. And sure, there are things about Seattle that I hate (traffic, gray weather, cost of housing) but I look around at the reasons that I stay (my job, my home, my friends, my musical opportunities) and I am ok with the choice that *I* made. Every single one of my prior moves I told my partner "Oh, I am OK with this, I fully support it, I buy into this..." but I didn't really. Because when things got bad, as they do wherever you go because it's strange and new, I was quick to anger, withdraw, and blame my partner. *He* made me move here. If it weren't for *him* I wouldn't have to be stuck in this crappy place. Ultimately, it was my decision, but the reality is that in my mind, I felt like he was pulling the strings. Your wife may feel this way too.

The solution has to come from within her, by her following her heart, being honest with herself about what is really making her unhappy. Is she missing her family? Not liking her job? Not liking her husband? Having not made friends yet? Or is it this intangible feeling of loss of control over her life? Any of these things can be dealt with, but she has to know what it is first. And unfortunately, the husband is probably the worst person to guide her through this process. Because she will have some anger, and that anger is going to get vented on the guide. Best if it wasn't you, since you are such a big part of the situation right now. Talking with a marriage counselor could be a good start, for both of you.

Best of luck, Costy.

December 23, 2002
9:00 am
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Dear Gingerleigh,
I said that she would have been washing dishes because life in india is not as convinient as in USA.She is did not have a good job.With a minimal income we would not have beeen able to live the way we would have.Ever since we have been in USA we have a appartment & other domestic things which would have taken a lot of time & money in India to avail.After all one needs to be practical too. Conservative emotions would lead no where.I too have left my parents in India.When comes to difficulties she gets panicky.Really speaking she does not know what life is.Before we got married she lived in a small 1 rooom appartment with 5 other people sharing that who happenn to be parents & family members.Financially her parents were zero.parents both happen to be ailing with disease.A totally orthodox &conservative family.They r socially not refined too.She never realises that she has moved out of crises.Seeing a marrige counsellor would be expensive as we have just moved to USA.And finacially yet to establish.are there any non profit organisations in boston? Who could help in this.?

December 23, 2002
11:19 am
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Not being from Boston, I'm not sure what resources are there, but starting by looking in the yellow pages could be a good first step. Also, I'm not sure what you do for a living, but some employers offer something called an Employee Assistance Program which offers short term counseling services for life events, tough times, etc. Check with your HR department. Your medical insurance might also cover counseling services, so check into that as well. You mentioned once that your wife was in a research field. Is she at a university? Most universities offer some limited counseling services for students and faculty.

I think one of the first things that a counselor would point out to you is that the problem does not entirely rest with your wife. I hear lots of blame and accusations coming through your posts about *her*, her past, her inability to deal with life, her not socially refined family, her emotional immaturity and instability. What role do you think you are playing in this? Perhaps you should check out McGraw's Relational Rescue book, it makes each of you look at yourselves as partners, focusing not on what the other person can do better, but on what you can do better to make the relationship richer and more satisfying. You can read the book by yourself as well if she isn't ready.

Good luck, Costy.

December 23, 2002
12:24 pm
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Dear gingerleigh,
I am sorry for putting my comments about her.But really love her & want her to be better.can u suggest me some more self help books like McGraw's Relational Rescue book.?I need to have a sex guide too. I believe it plays an important part in married life.I want to take on all means to keep her happy & have an enriched life after her uneven past.

December 23, 2002
12:39 pm
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Dear Gingerleigh,
I also forgot to mention in above thread that do u know of some audio books which could be of some help in this situation.i also have "Men are from Mars & women are from venus by John Gray Phd(book) with me.I must appreciate that u sound intelligent & I am highly impressed.I am volunteering right now in hospital & I am yet seeking for a job ,as it will take time as its just 4 months I have been to this country from india.My wife is at university.I also need to know of how i could increse my concentration,as my mind thinks a lot.

December 23, 2002
2:24 pm
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Costy, do you mind me asking how old you both are? Was your marriage arranged? How long have you known each other? People react to situations in different ways. Even though leaving your family and moving to a new country was something you could take in stride, this might be something that is just very hard for her, just because of who she is and what her background is. It's like not understanding how someone can be afraid of water or afraid of heights if you don't have those phobias. Or not understanding why one person is allergic to certain kinds of food even though you have eaten it your whole life.

How is your wife's English? Would she be comfortable talking here, using her own nickname, talking about her own experiences since she's been here?

Books... hm, I really like the McGraw one. As for sex books, well, all the books in the world aren't worth a dollar if you both don't trust each other and feel comfortable together. One of the things I like best for building trust and intimacy is massage, not leading to sex, just something that you do for your partner, for 30 minutes or an hour. Start gently, ask her what feels good, and if she doesn't know, or seems shy about it, just imagine what sort of massage would feel good to you, and then replicate it on her. Build up the trust between the two of you of just being close to one another, things will progress more naturally then. If you are really intent on getting a book, I think there is a book written by Dr. Joyce Brothers called "Sex for Dummies" or "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sex" that is written in a light hearted humorous way but contains really useful information.

Also, what do the two of you do together for fun? Do you have any hobbies that you share? Do you exercise together? Do you enjoy cooking together, or seeing movies? Maybe focus on building a happy life together, rather than on making her happy, would be a more positive way to look at it.

December 26, 2002
8:50 am
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dear Gingerleigh,
First of all a merry christmas & forthcoming happy new year to u.
This was an arranged marrige.I am 30 & she is 26 yrs old.I would love tobring her on this site,but she may not like as I haven't told her that I am discussing with u about her.Infact she was happy as I gifted a perfume to her on christmas.i believe she will gradually adapt.well i would also like ask u about how to increase concentration & stamina inorder to stay fit with age.?

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