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emotional intimacy
February 2, 2005
8:32 am
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wallace
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PL. Thanks. I think I understand. Never thought about it like that. I'd always taken "you make me feel wonderful/happy" etc as a compliment and "you make me feel like s**t as an insult". I guess what you are saying is that they are opposite ends of the same spectrum?

February 3, 2005
8:51 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"Thanks JohnM - but I don't get it. How can a feeling of loneliness and missing someone become allies? These are feelings that make me sad."

As you try to run away from them, they get you. Trying to figure out ways to run away from them is part of the drama.

February 4, 2005
8:45 am
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wallace
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JohnM. Do you mean we should experience these negative emotions? This may sound dumb, but how do we do that?

February 4, 2005
2:52 pm
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kathygy
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I don't think you can really have a relationship without emotional intimacy. It requires that both people be open and honest with each other about everything. It builds trust and you can't have a relationship without trust.

February 4, 2005
3:39 pm
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workinonit
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If I may JM?

Wallace, I think what you might not be seeing is, if you take your needs for what they are and appreciate them, " I like seeing my b/f 7 days per week!!!" you will feel better about them. Do not deny by accepting another persons limits(2xpwerweek)your own feelings for togetherness.

Celebrate this idea! Be happy that is your feeling. Embrace it fully!!! And even share it. Why not? Who says his ideas are the only ones that should be on the table?

Also, When you speak of someone making you feel a certain way, this is impossible. No one makes us feel antything! Most conventional communication advice says to use " I feel" statements like

I feel wonderful when I hear you say that.

I feel bad when that happens

or

I feel like shit at this moment.

The idea is to put the blame or fault on another is not true or fair. You are the only one who can accept or reject your own feelings.

Now, with that out there, I think he is emotionally uinavailable to some extent. If you can live with this, ok. If not, try to move on.

I just went through the same thing and I feel so much better because I would not accept it again. I wanted him to feel our relationship differently. As I did!!! He didn't. End of story and I am free again!

February 4, 2005
4:23 pm
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restless
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Kathy,
"I don't think you can really have a relationship without emotional intimacy. It requires that both people be open and honest with each other about everything. It builds trust and you can't have a relationship without trust." ...best statement I heard all day and boy did I need to hear it! And workin...I don't think anyone could or should have to live with anyone in their lives..friendship or more...that is emotionally unavailable. Why would anyone want to??? You hit it right on when you said that if you feel you can't put what you would like out of a relationship on the "table" and have an adult rational discussion about it then what's the point of having the relationship? All relationships require compromise, we all have our different needs and wants (we are human) but it's how we mesh those different needs and wants is what makes a successful bond. Thanks guys, glad I found this thread. Now I need to read what I just wrote and actually take my own (and all of yours) advice!

February 4, 2005
7:25 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"Do you mean we should experience these negative emotions? This may sound dumb, but how do we do that?"

Allowing yourself to be dumb enough to do it. Perhaps you think you can out-'smart' your own feelings.

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