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emotional intimacy
January 29, 2005
11:01 am
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wallace
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Can a relationship with your partner work without emotional intimacy. What exactly is that? Is it sharing your problems with them? Can you get it through sex? Sometimes I feel lonely in my relationship. I wonder if it's because we never talk about things that I would regard as important. I never share things that are troubling me with him, mainly because I don't want to impose on him, and it doesn't seem to bother him. He never shares anything close to his heart with me, only things bothering him at work. Any thoughts?

January 29, 2005
11:13 am
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addicts wife
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Hmmm.... HOw long have you been with this person?? Do you plan on being together for a long term realtionship?? are you in the early stages of the relationship?? I know "at first" its hard to open up" but it does bring you closer to confide , Like you said on "important stuff" YOU are important, right?? If you have something on your mind etc thats important, shouldnt it be important to some one youre involved with?? sometimes, starting these conversations wit hmy husband is like pulling teeth, orlike talking to a 6 year old about school, I get 1 word responces like "yup." good" fine" but then i hear all about how cool the star wars trilogy is.....LOL
not to make kight of this by any means, but is this soemone you want ot be closer with, or want to "grow" with?? Sometimes a casual, less invloved relationship works for some people. But Ive also experienced having my self "guarded " for fear of imposing kinda back fire.. I ended up dumped once becasue I was told I donttalk enough, dont share enough, etc... I shoulda been more assertive, and confident in myself, my thoughts etc.

January 29, 2005
11:27 am
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wallace
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Thankyou for responding. I do want to be closer to this guy. I've never felt this way about anyone. But how can you tell whether he wants to hear it or not? Last thing I want to do is open up and scare him off.

January 29, 2005
1:05 pm
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CAMER
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communication is good, not sure how close you are too him or how long you have been dating him....but it cannot hurt to just ask. I mean every relationship comes to a point where you either make a step forward or make a step back,....just ask, you can ask simple and basic things like, if he has any "expectaions" for the relationship you are in or does he just want to "date" you and others. The sooner you know the sooner you can get thru this...good luck and keep it light with basic stuff and I am sure he will not run.

January 29, 2005
2:18 pm
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on my way
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Wallace, this is painful!! Loving someone and not being able to be close to him? Find out what you want, and talk about needing it, getting it...it's time to do this. I see that you have 2 choices, and I may be wrong, but:
1. Talk this out, if he can't be there for YOU, then move on.
2. Don't talk it out and stay miserable and in the codependency cycle of compromising yourself, your wants and needs....YOU are important.

Find out what he wants with a girl...what does he want. Don't hang on for fear of losing him. Your definition of intimacy sounds right on to me, so find that for yourself. This is what Iwould do.

What does he does when you try to get closer or more intimate?

January 29, 2005
3:16 pm
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addicts wife
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just maybe try to throw out a question tht is not too-too emotionally revealing (to you) and see how he responds.. He may be nervous too. saying you're nervous will reveal an emotion, honestly, and there is No shame in that. , right?? Try to approach it like your NOt going to get anything negative out of it, becasue even if you get a respose that you didnt think you wanted, at LEAST theres a Good, positive move you made on your own... Turn anything "bad" into a good thing..
Forget how you learned, Remember WHAT you learned.. NO ONE can take that kind of self- esteem lesson away from you. It's kinda like being unemployed for a while. Thwe first interview is dreadful, but by the 3rd one you're a PRO!!
(best wishes)) let me know how it goes!!1
I'm rootin' for ya'

January 29, 2005
4:35 pm
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wallace
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Thankyou everyone. We've been dating 4 months. What I want is to see him more than 2ce per week (he's limited it to that-if I had my way I'd see him every day). He says I can talk to him. I told him a few things, I expected him to hug and kiss me. He didn't. He just said to stay positive, then that was it. I didn't feel any emotional connectivity-we may as well have been discussing the weather. Odd thing is that we talk on the phone most days that we don't see each other-usually me ringing him. It's usual chat like how are you, what have you done etc. It's because I don't feel any connectivity that I hold back. Part of me thinks that if there is no connectivity, then this must be casual - right? Does this sound stupid? It's just that when I do tell him something, I want it to bring us closer together, but I can't feel it.

January 29, 2005
4:59 pm
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wallace
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Can you build a loving and intimate relationship with someone who only wants to see you 2ce per week?

January 29, 2005
8:49 pm
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whitelight
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Um...I dunno, but I think that is what girlfriends are for. I've had a number of relationships with men and NONE of them ever opened up emotionally. My now husband says it makes men feel weak and vaunerable and he doesn't know why any man would do it.

Hopes this helps.

January 29, 2005
11:07 pm
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Bianca
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🙁 I don't think you can build a solid relationship without emotional intimacy. My first marriage fell apart partly because I was so hurt by my ex-husband that I didn't open up to him.

The person you date/marry/live with should be your partner, your best friend.

When your world crumbles around you, they should be who you turn to, who you want to comfort you.

I didn't used to have that with my guy, and I was miserable. I felt like I was my own island and I always had to be strong.

He has since stepped into the relationship in an amazing way, and I can now lean on him. It's not easy, and I am terrified that he will go back to the emotionally withdrawn person who cannot support me during my emotional distress - but so far it's been wonderful to become a team. When I cry he comforts me, I can fall apart and he supports me.

Prior to this he wasn't able to do that - I was lonely and miserable and it was just awful.

There are people who are unable to be emotionally intimate (I was like that for a while, too), but if it's something you need then I would ask for it to happen in this relationship. If he cannot provide the support that you crave then maybe he isn't the right one for you.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard to know what you need vs what is just being unreasonable... but if the relationship leaves you feeling lonely then what's the point of being in it?

January 30, 2005
6:19 pm
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wallace
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Thanks everyone. Bianca-I stay in it because I hope it will improve.

January 30, 2005
6:47 pm
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JohnMurphy
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"Can you build a loving and intimate relationship with someone who only wants to see you 2ce per week?"

You might just notice your feelings about wanting to see him every day, and celebrate them.

January 30, 2005
9:09 pm
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on my way
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wallace, youmay have chosen someone who does not know much about emotional intimacy, or who has not experienced it. To ask more is ok, but if he does not know how, it may be asking too much. The thread about if he is afraid to commit what do i do.... has some good advice about simply telling and asking him how you feel. You may not be able to "fix" him, or make him give more than he is comfortable with right now...and that would not be fair anyway, do you think so?

January 31, 2005
5:37 pm
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wallace
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Thanks JohnM. What do you mean by notice my feelings of wanting to see him everyday and celebrate it? It is causing me pain. I wish I could be more positive than that.

Thanks OMW. It has crossed my mind that he may not know how to be emotionally intimate. How can you teach someone?

January 31, 2005
5:42 pm
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Anonymous
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Wallace, sounds like my ex. No emotional availability at all. Not even when I was sick in the hospital nothing. The only time he even KINDA got just a tad emotional was when we had sex. Other than that he just didn't know how to. He had even told me he just doesn't know how to open up he is emotionally retarded like I like to call it.

You can stay with him if you are willing to accept him as he is now, but if not you won't be able to change him and I think you might feel worse in the end. It is hard, you think if I stick around long enough, or I do this or he realizes this than he will open up and I will be the ONLY person that he has done that with, and in reality it just doesn't work like that.

January 31, 2005
5:50 pm
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wallace
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Thanks Aces. Don't these type of men get lonely?

January 31, 2005
5:54 pm
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I think that in my opinion they don't know anything other than lonely. I think that they haven't really let anyone in because they just don't know how to. I also think that when you don't experience that, then you don't know what you miss or don't know how it feels.

Yes they do suck. I tried time and time again to use tactics to make Mr. Jack really care for me, and in the end I just realized it isn't me it's him he doesn't know how to.

It isn't you it's him and trust me he just isn't capable of caring for you the way you need him to, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care for you in his own way. You have decide if that is enough for you or not.

January 31, 2005
6:09 pm
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on my way
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You can lead by example without expecting anything in return.

January 31, 2005
6:10 pm
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wallace
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Aces-I saw this TV program where a man suffered a brain injury and lost the ability to love and couldn't feel emotions anymore. Isn't that attractive - no more emotional hell.

January 31, 2005
6:30 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Most guys are conditioned not to talk about our emotions. That being said, most of us can be drawn into talking about our emotions by someone we're either attracted to or involved with.

Think about the differences in the ways we communicate as men and women. Men are goal oriented communicators, for the most part. We see a problem, like this one, look at the aspects of it, and suggest a solution. And we're done.

Women are more likely to communicate their experience but when they are talking about it they don't neccessarily look to have the problem identified and a solution proposed.

If you want to draw a man out, into talking about his emotions, than focus on what his goals are. Questions like "How do you feel about ____?" can be rephrased as "What would you do about _____?"

The answers you can get with these questions can be expanded on later on and give you insight into a man.

Now, word of warning: If a man absolutely, possitively, cannot talk about how he is feeling and even seems disgusted and perhaps starts a fight with you when you are trying to be intamate with him is probably not the best person in the world for anyone, let alone you.

Conversely if a man says "You make me feel ____." you should be just as careful about your involvement with him.

January 31, 2005
6:37 pm
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Ahh how many times I heard that from Mr. Jack. YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT, I HATE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL.

Then the times I would try to talk to him it was wonderful, it was like trying to get an answer from a dead person. He wouldn't just not answer ANYTHING, he would make it a purpose not to answer.

Wallace, I think your guy is most likley a lot better than Mr .Jack was. I think Phalic has some good points and it never hurts to try something new.

February 1, 2005
7:58 am
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wallace
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Thanks friends.

Why should you be careful when a man says "you make me feel_________"?

February 1, 2005
8:46 pm
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"What do you mean by notice my feelings of wanting to see him everyday and celebrate it? It is causing me pain. I wish I could be more positive than that."

As you fully experience and validate your pain, you might notice its positive intention and it converts from adversary to your ally.

February 1, 2005
9:10 pm
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Why should you be careful when a man says "you make me feel_________"?

You make me feel wonderful.

You make me feel good.

YOU make ME feel bad.

YOU MAKE me feel like shit.

Because he's liable to use it against you. He is identifying you as his source, so to speak, and not the actions that you may or may not have done.

It's not a catch all but when someone uses phrases like that they can be abdicating responsibility for their own feelings by faulting you with them. In essence phrases like this esteem you with a value good or bad you might not want. It sets you up for a pattern of valuation and devaluation that can be used to manipulate you.

In conflict in a romance or friendship I'll use phrases like "I don't like it when you do ____ because of ____" It's specific and deals with an issue that can be addressed directly. It doesn't make an assessment about anyone's quality and doesn't abdicate responsibility for one's own well being.

February 2, 2005
8:29 am
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wallace
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Thanks JohnM - but I don't get it. How can a feeling of loneliness and missing someone become allies? These are feelings that make me sad.

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