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Embaressed about being divorced?
July 24, 2005
6:02 pm
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I C Gold
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Does anybody feel this way? I feel like a 2 time loser since this is divorce #2, and it's like I hate to admit to anyone that I'm getting a divorce even though he left me for another woman. (He calls her his enabler!)
I just want to crawl under the bed...real healthy reality it's not but I"d feel safe!

The co-dependent books I've ordered aren't here and I"m slowly but surely going off the deep end.
My latest "therapy" is to paint the house-inside-I call myself painting away the pain!
Beats falling apart every time I know they are together..Why I torture myself I don't know or know how to STOP it..

July 24, 2005
6:26 pm
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SexySadie
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I didn't feel embarrassment. I knew in my heart of hearts that for 15yrs I gave my marriage everything that I could. I had just chosen the wrong partner for it. I had chosen someone who was not capable of loving anyone but himself. When I stopped giving to the relationship and carrying the weight of it in its entirety, the marriage collapsed. One day, we were on vacation with his business partner and wife and I just looked at a song by Sheryl Crow came on Your My favorite mistake...I looked at my surroundings and went in and packed my bags and left him there and left our marriage. Never looked back.

July 24, 2005
8:19 pm
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Anonymous
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ICGold:

Yes, I know that terrible feeling of shame and embarrassment. After all, it feels like such a huge failure to not be able to make a marriage work. It took me a while to work thru those negative feelings. For the longest, I couldn't even say the words "ex-husband". The truth is that you have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. Relationships are hard, and we sometimes have to learn the hard way. You had NO CONTROL over the fact the your husband left you for another woman! So you have no reason to hang your head.

Be good to yourself, take some time to evaluate where YOU went wrong in this marriage, change what you can, and move on, because life is still waiting for you to begin again. It's never too late to start over. Take what you have learned from failing, and use it to make you healthier and stronger. Don't let the enemy tell you you are all washed up. As long as you are breathing, there is still purpose and possibility of love, the real thing:) I pray that for all of us who are trying to improve ourselves and learn from our mistakes!

July 24, 2005
8:32 pm
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dazed and confused
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I am embarrassed that I have been married and divorced several times. It makes me feel like I am the one with this huge problem. Really I beleive I gave it my all in every relationship. Maybe no one wants to be judged, maybe we shouldn't judge others either

July 24, 2005
11:27 pm
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I C Gold
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Plz:
I know what you mean, that's why I'm taking a serious "time out" from dating, emailing, or even thinking about starting another relationship.
I told my self I'm going to fix me inside and out and make my X2 realize that I WASN'T the devil in disguise!!
Revenage is a strong factor to make you get fit(works wonders at the gym!)

I SO bad want to tell him someday he's going to regret doing this but I know that isn't the right attitude. But BOY would it feel good to hear him say that!

July 25, 2005
3:49 am
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sewunique
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At first I was embarred and ashamed I was in this position. Soon as I speak of what was, all I get is continued validation, which is helpful. whenever old or new friends ask about this or that, they again give validation. It is an adjustment I know will be long coming forward.

July 25, 2005
9:47 am
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I C Gold
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well, now plus being embarressed, X2 told me today that the "other woman" loves him. He says he won't discuss the topic further because he knows it's painful to me. Would it help if he told me he loved her also?
Our divorce hasn't even been filed yet-talk about moving on!!!

July 25, 2005
9:54 am
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kc30
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I felt this way initially...it was a real eye opener to me. I hadn't realized that I had judged divorced people/single parents until I felt the shame and embarassment that came when my marriage blew apart.

I naively believed that divorce was not necessary and that it was selfish to divorce, especially when there were children. I thought all marriages could work out with love and committment.

Total crap...it takes 2 to make a marriage and only 1 to break one. Sometimes things happen and we can't control them, and divorce is actually the BEST option available.

As I faced my judgements and misconceptions, those feelings faded away.

kc

July 25, 2005
3:50 pm
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Cinamac
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kc

You hit the nail on the head for me....I too felt I had become my worse nightmare. I wasn't aware at the time, but I had a real simple, fundamentalist view of the world. I was very VERY judgemental of divorced people, single moms, people who didn't own a house, lived in poverty, old spinsters, overweight people...(should I go on and completely hang my head in shame of myself).

Yes, I became all of them!!! Can you believe it.

Well it gave new meaning to the what the bible says about judging people...I ended up judging myself...and wheww that hurt. And what kc said about facing these misconceptions and beliefs, I did, and the shame and embarrassment just melted away. Thank heavens!

Judging people, whether based on their sexuality, their appearance, their family, their marital status, their family constitution, the money in their bank account always will come back to haunt us. I now say, careful what I judge, because that could be me given circumstances beyond my control. Further, people who judge (like me) are indoctrinated fools that don't know better. I didn't know that my blind beliefs would backfire and bite me in the butt!

Be good to yourself. Especially that you have had to go through the suffering of separation and divorce TWICE>> you poor thing. I akin that to the feeling of going through labour with my second child and I screamed out loud...."What was I thinking!!!"

But from all that pain, when you go through the feeling of embarrassment and all the other spectrum of emotions and felings, may you come out stronger, wiser and relieved!

Cinamac

July 25, 2005
4:16 pm
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sewunique
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I C Gold,

He doesn't HAVE to discuss it further to spare your feelings............he already planted the seed........now he can let your emotions work the rest out on your misery; a very typical thing with abusers.

He said he is SPARING YOUR FEEINGS, HUH? Rubish!!! I am sorry to hear about his antics with you......hang in there......you are doing FINE considering his nasty behaviors!

((((((((hugs))))))))))

Sew

July 25, 2005
4:33 pm
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2bstrong
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Dear ic...

I have never been married, but have been engaged twice. Most recently to a man that I was with for more than ten years. I thought we would be together forever, unfortunately he changed his mind. Very sad...in the beginning, I felt like such a failure! I couldn't even maintain a relationship with someone I loved very much. Going through this has been similar to a divorce. It has opened my eyes and heart to all of the people who've experienced the end of a relationship in a way other than death. I believe in some ways, the death of a partner would give more closure.

Love can come our way many times in life. We give it our best shot. Hopefully we learn along the way from our experience...be kind to yourself ic--you are growing by leaps and bounds.--2b

July 25, 2005
4:33 pm
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I C Gold
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ya know, everybody is being SO nice and supportive and yet I'm feeling like it's not a big thing..like DEEP in my heart he's gonna realize his mistake and come back. Well, I want to fix me so that if it does happen I CAN CHOOSE whether or not we can pick up the pieces in a few years.
Finding out the petition for divorce hasn't even been filed yet really hit me a blow today. I thought things were moving along and since I'm not filing I was out of the loop on the info. I don't even want to go to town and be near people. I studied the 5 levels of grief last night. I'm in stage 2,3,4, all at the same time!!

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