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Elvira gets married on Friday
June 23, 2004
8:46 am
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jwt
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The day I dreaded for seven years is Friday. I have such a mix of emotions that I thought it might help if I wrote down what I am feeling.

I once fantasized about going to the airport on Friday, leaving my car in the lot, and flying away to somewhere, anywhere, and never coming back. I thought it would hurt that much. So much has changed in our relationship and in my own mind. Now, I'm just glad that it is finally going to be over.

Elvira has been begging me to come to the wedding. It will be a very small wedding with just family and a very few close friends. She says it will be hard to explain why I am not there. I have told her that I will not go. We had a talk yesterday. I told her that after everything that happened between us that I just didn't feel right about being there. I told her that she should understand that and I think she does understand it. Even though I would never admit it to her, I know deep inside that it would hurt too much.

All week, she keeps telling me that she still loves me. It's the first time in the last four months that she has even said those words. It is all so meaningless now.

I've been working on my marriage and trying to remember what brought us together in the first place. My wife is a good woman and she does love me. I don't deserve her or her love.

I have spent the last eight months trying to convince myself that I better off without Elvira and that I should be happy with my marriage. All of those self-messages have helped. I have come to the point where I don't understand what I ever saw in Elvira. I really don't think I would EVER want to be married to her. And, I am able to see much more of the good in my marriage. But, somewhere inside me I wonder. All of these things I have been telling myself ... is it just talk? Am I just trying to fool myself? Is the real me feeling something much different? What will happen if those real feelings come to the surface?

Right now, I am calm and willing to accept the future. But, I know there are a lot of questions about myself that I still need to answer.

June 23, 2004
8:48 am
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Zinnie
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JWT,

Do yourself a favor. Send the Bridegroom a thank you note, and perhaps even a sympathy card.

But... go out and celebrate - GET RID OF THIS WOMAN!

Z.

June 23, 2004
9:56 am
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tooscared
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I agree with Zinnie, JWT. I think you are doing the right thing for yourself by not attending the wedding. It is very selfish on Elvira's part to be telling you she still loves you when she is getting married on Friday. I feel sorry for her fiance because he is going to have such heartache in store.

JWT, don't expect for this marriage to change anything though in how Elvira flirts with you and leads you on. Just because she has a piece of paper saying she is married, that won't mean a thing to her. Keep your guard up on your life and your heart. You deserve to be happy and this lady needs to be out of your life for good.

Please stay strong and keep with your decision to not attend Friday's ceremony. You will regret going and it would only feed Elvira's already inflated ego that she can string you along. Take care of yourself.

June 23, 2004
11:19 am
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sixfootblonde
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I feel sorry for the groom. Assuming he is a decent person, how sad to have your bride spending the week before the wedding telling another man that she loves him.

I'm glad you sound like you're making progress jwt. Congrats, and time will keep helpin.

Friday ... gives you a whole new meaning to "Thank God it's Friday" this week huh? You'll be fine. The woman you thought you wanted was never who she really was. Just remember that....

June 23, 2004
11:33 am
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gingerleigh
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Stay strong JWT. This ceremony perhaps is just the closure you need to put this period in your life behind you.

June 23, 2004
12:13 pm
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CAMER
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I agree with all of the above, and on Friday, that should give you closure that this woman is starting a life, sounds like a confused life with the man she is marrying, since she tells you she still loves you, she seems to just be more of a problem than anything. Time to celebrate on Friday and focus on your own life now, and just let her go.

June 23, 2004
12:20 pm
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eve
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Hey jwt,

I'd like to wish you the best - it feels like I'm congratulating you to somebody elses marriage.

You should definitely do some celebrating on Friday. Maybe you could take your wife out for a special dinner? Or have your boys evenig out.

June 23, 2004
7:07 pm
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jwt
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Thanks guys! I know that a lot of you have followed this sorry tale for a long time. You know how many tears I've shed and how much suffering I have put myself through over this woman.

Well, she's gone now. I won't see her again until next week. By then she will be Mrs. Elvira.

She wanted to talk about this all day and kept giving me these forlorn looks. She cried both times we did talk about it. I just kept telling her that I was happy for her I wanted her to be happy. I don't know if I truly felt that way but it felt right when I said it.

When we were together today, she seemed to be taking it much harder than I was. But, I know Elvira too well. It was all an act. I'm sure that I am the farthest thing from her mind right now.

Something inside me is telling me that I ought to cry. But, I just don't feel like it. I feel totally numb towards her, no affection or longing. And, yes, I do feel sorry for her fiancee. He is a good guy who is walking into one problem after another. That is how Elvira lives ... one drama after another.

I keep thinking that I should grieve over the end of this chapter in my life. I wonder if the grief will happen?

I had been focused on this one situation for so long. Now, my life seems to be so spread out in front of me. It is such a mystery. What am I going to do now?

June 24, 2004
2:08 am
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jwt
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I was driving home tonight from a board meeting for one of the companies I manage. It was dark and I was all alone with my thoughts. I began to think about why I feel the way I do.

I have been telling myself for months that I didn't want Elvira and I should be happy with my marriage.

Do I believe that what I told myself is true? Yes. But, I don't think that is why I began to say those things to myself.

I think I did it to protect myself from being hurt. I started to do it when it became totally and unavoidably obvious that Elvira was going to marry her fiancee.

I began to pull away from her after she began to pull away from me. I knew that nothing I could do would change the outcome.

It was like I was trying to hold onto what little self-respect that I still had. I had lost. So, I tried to convince myself that it was my idea.

I am glad that I decided to let her go. I would have felt pathetic to continue to pursue Elvira.

The truth is that I didn't let Elvira go because I magically discovered that I didn't want her. I did it because I had no other choice.

I know that I should be glad that it has ended the way that it has. I am not grieving about the loss of what could have been.

Nevertheless, the truth about why I did what I did is really bothering me. I am feeling defeated, rejected and sad.

June 24, 2004
2:28 am
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gingerleigh
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Hey JWT. Sometimes the Universe works for us, making our lives take different paths from those destructive to us. All of this is happening for a reason. Hugs out to you, old friend.

June 24, 2004
3:13 am
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Hi Jwt

I wish I could just stop your hurting. You've been hurting for so long. Wish I knew the right words to say.

I wonder if things will really be different after she is married= will she be any different towards you?

What is it that forlorn look is saying? I'm not understanding. So many questions. Does she want you to say you'll leave your wife to be with her?

do you love her? Is this one of those "different place, different time" things?

Did a part of you deep inside wish the two of you could make things happen someday?

Hugs jwt.

free

June 24, 2004
9:14 am
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jwt
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gingerleigh, you have been here since the very beginning. You will never know how much I appreciate you. I think you are right. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes it happens regardless of our best efforts to the contrary. I know this outcome is the best thing that could happen to me. I should be thankful to God or the Universe or whatever it was that pushed me onto this path.

free, as always, you asked some interesting questions.

Will she treat me any differently after she is married? I don't know. I guess time will tell. I don't think she will call me as much because she doesn't want her husband to be upset. And, I expect that she will make an honest effort to be loyal to him. It may not make much difference in our current relationship. Until this week, our relationship had cooled to the point where we were treating each other simply as good friends.

What was her forlorn look saying? That is a good question. No, I don't think she wanted me to say that I would leave my wife for her. I think it was one of two other things. Either she was having "different place, different time" thoughts or it was just pity. I don't know which one it was. And, I'm not sure that it matters.

Do I still love her? I was head over heals in love with her for 7 years. I'm sure there is still a part of me that still feels that way.

Does a part of me still wish that we could make it happen someday? When you wanted something as much as I did, it is hard to completely give it up. I truly believe that I am better off without her.

One thought keeps going through my mind. I would have never wanted her with her other relationship still hanging over my head. She was chasing him long before she met me and I don't think she ever would have been satisfied unless he married her. Once they are married, the only remaining question for her is to learn if that is really what she really wants. I wonder how I would feel if, someday, she decided that she didn't really want to be married to him after all?

I am very scared of the answers to these questions. I don't want to live with fantasies of us someday being together. I have had enough misery and it is time for it to end.

June 24, 2004
6:59 pm
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jwt
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The closer it gets, the worse I feel. By the time they get married at 10 am tomorrow, it looks like I will be a total wreck.

I don't know what to do tomorrow. Should I go to work? Everyone will be wondering why I am not at the wedding. And anyone with half a brain will be able to see that there is something wrong with me. Or should I just stay home, hide and feel sorry for myself?

All of that bravery earlier is the week seems to have evaporated.

Elvira called this morning. While we talked, I remembered all of the reasons I really didn't want to be with her. But, as the day went on, I just started to hurt more and more.

I feel like such a loser. And, I am scared to death because the rest of my life seems to be staring me in the face.

June 24, 2004
9:09 pm
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gingerleigh
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Why not take the day off and plan a special outing with your wife? Maybe run up to the house on the lake you mentioned?

June 24, 2004
9:30 pm
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codep
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Does your wife know about Elvira, the wedding or your feelings? I"m sorry I'm new here so I dont have the complete story. But I know that if there are even a few feelings floating around this issue I would stir clear of the wedding tomorrow, and do something nice and relaxing for yourself and your wife. Use tomorrow as the day to say goodbye to the past and focus on your future and what you do have in front of you now, a wonderful wife and a "real" life, here and now.

June 24, 2004
11:56 pm
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Zinnie
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HI JWT,

Between you and Worried Dad, I have gained a whole new perspective of the hell my oldest son has gone through.

You can be happy - you have a wife that loves you.

My son was involved with a woman, that you just hit the nail on the head - was a walking soap opera. She left him for someone else. He had proposed to her, she would not accept the ring, but she stayed with him. Of course, he had just been signed on with a record label and was being sent to Europe... so she went with him. She left him for another musician.

Well, guess what happened after she left? He found true love. He is now the proud father of twins and another little one on the way, and he has a wife that he adores, and who loves him with all of her heart.

So, what happens now? She, as Worried Dad has christened her "Stalker Chick" - saw him on the Grammy's and guess what, she IS stalking him... anyway, that is something he is handling, but - he has moved on - and you can too.

These types of people do move from one soap opera to the next, one drama after another, they suck the very life out of you. Elvira is the same way, she will never be content. With her husband, you or her next victim. The best thing about it, you have finally started to crawl out of her web. Time to to burn the thing... just get out of it and stay out of it - let her new husband deal with her.

Z.

June 25, 2004
1:52 am
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Hi jwt.
My heart really goes out to you as I read the posts. I was in a relationship with a man for several years. I was in love with him. I got caught. My entire family found out. It was extremely painful. My husband forgave me and my children eventually did. It is never discussed. The question that I am compelled to ask you is this: Doesn't maintaining a relationship with her make it more painful for you? If I continued to talk to the "other man" in my life, I don't think I could have truly let it go. It would just prolong the agony. I'm not judging you by any means. I'm just afraid that by continuing to talk to her you may be preventing yourself from truly healing. I wish you all the best. I hope it all becomes less painful for you and your marriage improves. Good luck.
~sb

June 25, 2004
4:22 am
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Just thinkin about ya jwt, sending good thoughts your way.

free

June 25, 2004
7:31 am
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jwt
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Well, the day is finally here. I just woke up with a knot in my stomach.

I still haven't decided about going into work this morning. I know I am going to be sitting, watching the clock and waiting for 10 am.

I know that I should spend my time focusing on this turning point in my life. But, what I really want to do is just escape it all.

gingerleigh, we are going to our place at the lake. But, we can't leave until very late this afternoon. My problem is between now and then.

I wonder how I will react when I have to face Mrs. Elvira at work next week? You see, sb, Elvira is my assistant at work. I think I would have a real problem if I fired her. I have nowhere to transfer her. And, I haven't been able to find another good job for myself yet but I am still looking.

I am glad that I have kept Elvira at arms length for the past 8 months. I guess I could just continue to treat her the same way. But, something fundamental has changed. And, the pain for me is real.

June 25, 2004
8:14 am
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Hang in there Jwt. I know this is a hard day for you, but hopefully it is a day where you can shut the door on this chapter of your life and move on. The pain is very real, but you will get through it. I'm just praying that Elvira doesn't still flirt with you and say the things she did before she was married. I don't have much respect for her. To be telling you she still loves you and acting the way she does as her wedding day was approaching shows her true lack of character.

Just know that people do care about you and wish you the very best. As much as this is hurting you today, I pray that you can find true joy and happiness in your life that will far exceed what you can even imagine.

June 25, 2004
2:23 pm
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hey jwt. wondering how you're doing by now. i think it's natural to hurt today. you'd realized it was over long ago but there was always the option then of restarting if you would have decided differently. now the door is closed in a more permanent way and you're confused. it's ok. be confused. then work on letting it go. you can't fix it control it or change it. so let it....go.

easier said than done, i know. but is she worth all this round and round thought and turmoil???

June 25, 2004
5:40 pm
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jwt
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I survived thanks to 2 martinis. It was a crutch but it helped. All I could think of was to escape reality until it was over.

I'm sure the happy couple is so content surrounded by family right now.

Reality will settle on me over the weekend. I wonder how I will handle it?

I'm going to get ready to do to the lake.

Thank you to everyone. I'm going to need you. Thwe real pain is still in front of me.

June 25, 2004
6:07 pm
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Escape for Passion
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JWT... do something for me read The Awakening...

June 25, 2004
6:20 pm
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Hey JWT. Toss back a martini for me, would ya? I'm back on my meds, not supposed to mix 'em with alcohol (LOL). I hope you find some relaxation at the lake. You made it this far, you can get through the rest. It only gets better from here.

June 25, 2004
8:43 pm
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You'll survive JWT. Good job for making it this far. I hope your weekend is tolerable.

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