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EF on abusive treatment from daughters father--could use some support.
October 17, 2007
4:40 am
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mamacinnamon
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WD:

WOW.. What can I say but thank you. I do try to do my best. 🙂

(as I wipe a tear) Thank again. Means a lot.

October 17, 2007
1:49 pm
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exoticflower
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Mamac, thank you for all of this info. I keep trying to google things but of course that's to no avail (I have about 6 copies of the Indiana State Guidelines, which as I said are kind of vague, and for a system that 'sides' with mothers, when I have a real problem not related to child support, no one seems to know WHAT to tell me when I try to call around to get the papers I was never mailed after court). I just really didn't know the exact wording to use, and damn if you didn't manage to just click away and *poof* there it is. I absolutely cannot thank you enough--now if I can only learn how to speak 'legal' so I can translate some of it 😉 At any rate, God knows you've had your hand in this kind of stuff for longer than I'm sure you would have liked to, you know your stuff AND we seem to know each other pretty well socially, at least as far as internet friendships go and I really trust you on that level too.

WD, ((thank you so much)), these times when I start to doubt that strength are the times I really need to buck up and to hear that validation--that's when it's easiest to reduce me to said 'caterwalling anxious flailing-about cattawompus' that...ouch...but yeah, about sums it up. And that's kind of what he relies on, getting me to that point and then closing in for the kill, which is what I just have to resign to NOT being ok with me. If not to be the kind of person I want to and know I really am, but the kind of mother my daughter deserves--she's learning how to respond to stress and bullying from me, and the fact is if she sees me panic she panics no matter how young she is.

I was eager for your feedback too, WD. I was raised by a single father most of my life (there was a stepmother at a couple of points), and as such saw firsthand that people are not always very fair to the father--I'm really not wanting to exploit this fact as I DO want my daughter to have her father, just don't want to be so bombarded and harassed in order for them to have a perfectly reasonable relationship. BUT, I know you've had ins and outs with your childs mother who was also very abusive,and it seems like you know both sides of the coin there--the fair aspects for a father in a sometimes unfair system, as well as wanting to keep yourself and your child away from that kind of behavior.

Can't thank you guys enough. Now, it's off to pour over paperwork I don't entirely understand..wish me luck, I have no idea what step two is!!

October 17, 2007
2:12 pm
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mamacinnamon
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EF:

IF you need help translating just hollar. Type in what it says and I'll do my best to explain. And if I cannot I still have some special contacts here that I can call and they will tell me no charge.

I have to go to get my hair cut soon and I just cannot decide whether to chop it all off or to leave it longer and put it up. As I get older it just gets curlier and curlier. I now have nothin but ringlets that if I scratch my head my finger gets stuck in my hair. My glasses also coz I put them on top of my head a lot. But that happens whether short or long. Darn if I just cannot decide. Decisions, decisions, decisions. lol

October 17, 2007
3:22 pm
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exoticflower
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Good luck with that...we women have it rough, emotional growth, child rearing AND the hair issues to boot?

Unjust. I'm sure it will look great, curly hair works well long or short.

October 17, 2007
4:28 pm
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exoticflower
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So, totally unrelated, some of that there 'chitchat' mentioned in the guidelines...what about a sharp angled bob? After pregnancy my ringlets relaxed some, but they used to be tight little pincurls and the bob framed my face really nicely, narroed my teenage apple-cheeks and gave me both 'long' and 'short' looks easily just by tucking it behind my ears or pinning the sides up.

Just a thought--let me know how it comes out?

October 17, 2007
7:30 pm
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exoticflower
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OK, so here's what I've come up with that I think is fair to him and yet leaves no open door for any abuse. I've read over the guidelines and what Mamac helped me find, and as far as I can see I am perfectly welcome to offer a compromise legally, but am not required by law to accept a compromise from him if he refuses any other arangement, or he from I.

So.

I'm going to tell him that since we can't come to a non-hostile agreement under any circumstances, I have to just go directly from the Indiana State Guidelines, which specify that in years ending in an odd number, Thanksgiving is to be spent with the Custodial parent. If he would like, however, I would be very happy to instead let him pick her up at the time he already suggested on Thanksgiving Day and return her By Saturday night so that our own family (which is more of an urban family, but only blood is lacking in everyones closeness and love and healthy contributions in one anothers life, and we have been that for years even before she was born) can celebrate togeather without any discomfort or interuptions (remember, he's harassed a lot of these people too, directly or not, we don't really want that dark cloud--further, Thanksgiving around these parts starts by 12:00 noon in ANY home, and the eating starts at 3:00...it's just a midwestern thing, maybe, but I love it that way!). And, those are the options. I offer a perfectly reasonable compromise, but in light of his really bullying me, I really can't deal with him at all in way of furhter discussion: I'm just not comfortable with it.

That gives him 3 days, which is 2 nights, which is a pretty full weekend for just he and her to bond in his apartment, but also allows her to have the holiday with her big loving family, and us to have it with her of course, even if a few days later.

I do want to point out by the way, that this was innitially what I offered just in general to be thoghtful--but he started this big crazy thing and the bullying and threats and such. Not a single thing has changed in what I'm trying to offer him, except that I'm now saying "hey buddy, take it or leave it, but don't dare push me around or treat me like doodoo if you want me to be able to wirk with you."

So? Sound ok? Fair? Strong?

October 17, 2007
9:05 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi exoticflower,

Well it doesn't sound like you are trying to screw with your ex. At least you didn't kidnap your kid and disappear like SOME women.

I believe that parenting plans need to be spelled out, in writing, and looked at by the court.

And unless it is spelled out that your daughter will visit the grandparents on this particular day, and that particular day, and it is spelled out who pays what for transportation--I am pretty sure you are not obliged to allow it to happen at all.

October 17, 2007
9:54 pm
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exoticflower
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Oh, no I'm not letting her make that trip. It was my original intent to let him have his favorite holiday with her at his own home which is only a couple of hours away--he says I HAVE to do it through Sunday, that I agreed to it, that I am in contempt of court, that I am taking her time from her father to deliberately weaken and interfear with their bond, that I HAVE to let her go the dates he said and that he is not asking me but rather letting me know.

But, that nagging part of me "just wants to be fair", and I KNOW there is no reason he can't have his time with her from thanksgiving until Saturday, just that Sunday doesn't work. The bottom line for our agreement is that we are to use the Indiana State Guidelines--The judge just assumed since I've always allowed and accomidated time for them that we can be trusted to be cordial in dealings--and that just hasn't been the case, I just don't know how to get it modified. SO, for now the guidelines say I have this Thanksginving with her, and he already understands she is absolutely not to go to CO at this time.

But beyond that, I'm just not sure what to do. Part of me feels really obliged by her and by his rights to let him at least have a chance at that time which he can take or leave, but another part of me just wants to say "Forget it, I don't have to take this Sh*t". Quite the internal struggle, but I've got time to figure it out.

OMG--your daughter was abducted by her mother? Was the situation corrected by the courts? Does she pay a bail now when they have time? I can't begin to imagine what that would feel like, I know just the times he's said he was going to take off with her or kept her a day over I've been 'at the edge of my chair' style jumpy and frustrated. And he's just got issues with me, but I seem to recal that your ex was really unstable across the board, correct? I'm so sorry you had to go through that, it must have been horrible for you.

October 17, 2007
10:51 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Yes, the kidnapping thing is horrible. My evil-ex used to pick up the kids and not tell me he moved. He tried to kidnap my son once but the neighbor intervened by running and screaming JEFF NO. JEFF COME HERE, I'll not repeat the rest. Thank God she was there. Then he put him in military school 3 hours away and it took me 3 weeks to find him. He left him there w/ no method of even an asprin. Signed him in and never looked back, never filled out the paperwork. Then there were 2 psych wards, his cousin's drug house when his then wife didn't want him anymore. No wonder my Jeff is so indecisive as to which end is up.

WD, I am so sorry about your son. I don't wish anyone to go to hell but I could change my mind in your ex's case. I truly feel for you.

EF: Let me look at the statutes again and we'll come up w/ something. What you said is good, but add a beginning time, an ending time, dates and day of the week, where she will be address-wise, etc.

I also agree w/ WD. You are dealing w/ someone that wants to change things just so he can feel he's in control. When he finally figures out he has no leg to stand on then things are gonna get worse. Might as well get it signed by a judge now. Your custodial papers... do you have a copy and is it signed and stamped by the judge? IF NOT, get it now. The police will not help you regain your child if he should choose that route if you do not have your paperwork w/ t's crossed and i's dotted. Domestic disputes is the last thing police want to get involved in and won't if they can avoid it. I don't know how many times I had to meet the county sheriff w/ my paperwork just to get my kids back. Then when the officer walks up to the house to get the kids he tells the officer I was a no show and he's really sorry I am causing him problems like I cause him. What a crock of stuffins. Had I not known a couple of the officers they may have taken what he said at truth. After all, it is just your word against his. I'll be back shortly.

October 17, 2007
11:35 pm
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exoticflower
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Good call, Mamac, that is one point I figured out the last time he didn't return her when we agreed and found a little tiny bit he slipped into one email with the wrong date that I hadn't noticed to refute and refused to return her on the grounds that "Youc an't control everything just because you want to keep her away from me--I am sticking with our agreement".

Control everything...she had a playdate that day. Agreement? I missed his mistake.

So now she can't go anywhere until he mails me a certified sheet of paper specifiying the day, date, time, month, and YEAR to be ultra safe as well as the address and such. Not to be mean, just to not be pushed around.

I never got anything at all in way of papers, just a copy of the Indiana state guidelines. So I should go down to the courthouse and ask for copies of all of the paperwork then? I never knew I was supposed to have any such thing because we had just the implied guidelines assigned, all I ever got in the mail was a thing stating that I had been to court and his paternaty signed whatnot as him being the legal non-custodial father.

My biggest hangup now is not being able to afford a lawyer and our state being pretty difficult to get anything done without a lawyer--they're weird about not doing anything unless it regards child support (or so it seems, that's just usually where I start getting run in circles) and when I say what I want they act like I'm crazy, "you've already been to court and you have child support and the guidelines, right? What do you want?".

To which I mutter "that's why I'm here, I was hoping you could tell ME how to get it changed".

And they say "But...you already get child support. Did he not pay child support?".

It's succcchhhhh a pain. I guess I need to get a modification of visitation and have a full plan detailed, I just don't know how to do that wihtout a lawyer and no one here can tell me anything about how to make that happen without, you guessed it, a lawyer. Know anything about THAT?

WD, I'm sorry, I thougt I recalled you were having problems with the 'evil ex' and your daughter, not your son. Regardless, I'm so sorry you are going through it, or have.

October 17, 2007
11:56 pm
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mamacinnamon
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WD: oops, sorry, I wrote son. Should have been daughter. Anyhow, totally wrong.

EF:

Does he not pay the child support thru the court? If not get that changed quick. Most states have c/s paid thru the court for a small fee so that if the person does not pay they can go after garrnishment or whatever means is designated.

Yes, do get the paperwork. The bit of paperwork should have a case number assigned. If you give them that there is no problem understanding what you want coz you have now given them the numbers they need.

Yes, a modification is what you need, but from what I read in the laws it is not usually heard unless there is a change of circumstances. In your state they pretty much let the parties figures out what they want and then the court gives it to you, but if you have a case like yours where the two cannot or will not get along and not bully, etc. then the judge will make the decisions. Unfortunately, it is not always what you want. I'll check into that further.

October 17, 2007
11:57 pm
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exoticflower
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Ok, that was all really wordy, let me try to break it down (hello, type-babbler extrordinar here).

I want to offer him the original time at his home that I first did before he started all the stuff about his family home to CO and going for 6 days and such. Since he realized I wasn't budging on that, he said "You've deprived me of this valuable family time and there's nothing I can do now, she will come to my home for 5 days."

That's when he TOLD me that he didn't have to ask, he would be there on Thanksgiving to pick her up at the time he specified, and he would drop her off the day he said and that it wasn't up to me and he will return her when he says he will and that's that. I mean, he said it in legal terms, but that's the general idea.

So, I don't want to get into an ugly fight, and really I don't want him to lose the reasonable time, but we have a family and there is no reason we shouldn't have a wonderful holiday as well. Not one where she comes home in the middle of it and everyone is uncomfortable and has to talk about it and such, one where we all start at noon, no hangups to bug us, a fresh new day.

Also, I don't have any idea how to do ANYTHING until I get something moving in the courts, this jsut seems to be par for the course about every little thing. I'm jsut feeling a wee bit miffed and stuck, I don't want to interfere with their time, but the time has come for ME not to have to take this treatment and manipulation anymore.

Is that any more summed up? Actually, I'm not so sure it is. Well, I tried.

October 18, 2007
12:04 am
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exoticflower
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Mama, we cross posted there--yeah, that summs up my IN problem pretty much. Not that I want a lot, but I need them to understand that he does threaten to keep her, that his parents have personal files of me on their computer all over, that he lies about me and situations there were no witness to constantly--all of that being my word against his and seeming pretty pointless to get into (I'm a poor gal from the midwest who dropped out of highschool and didn't finish college because I got pregnant, he's a 2 time college grad with a famous lawyer mother...and the fact is, he's just better at these kinds of things).

No, he's good about child support, though he uses that as an example of how he's a good person and I'm not because he doesn't argue the ammount and pays it on time but I argue his visit 'requests' (argue meaning sometimes can't or don't feel comfortable with EXACLTY what he demands and need to say "that's fine, but this one part..."). Which makes no sense, and really, if he feels child support isn't in her best interests for some reason or it conflicts with her other plans or normal structure in life too much I would definately suggest he address that. It's just not the same thing. It is through the courts, though, I went to court to get that going when she was two--he always payed fine before that too, but was really opposed to doing it trhough the courts, I realize now it was all a legal thing to show himself as being 'amicable'.

October 18, 2007
12:06 am
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exoticflower
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I wonder if the change in circumstances could include his becoming increasingly demanding or controlling in his dealings with me? Or his actually living nearer us now and there being more need for structure since he won't be seeing her only in small visits to our town in a hotel (he lives a couple of cities away, but in a different state still).?

October 18, 2007
6:13 am
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mamacinnamon
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OK, we'll take this one thing at a time. First bein Thanksgiving.

You type up an agreement between you and him.

On (date), 2007, this agreement will take affect regarding Thanksgiving Visitation. This agreement is between _________, custodial mother, and ________, non-custodial biological father. We are the parents of ________, minor child.

Visitation will be as follows:

(dad) will pick up (child) at the residence of (mom or ?) at (address) at (time am/pm) on (date), 2007. **if not you giving him the child add this** (dad) has my permission to pick up (child) from (person) at address). **include street addy, city, and state**

(dad) will have (child) from (date), 2007, at (time am/pm) until (date), 2007, at (time am/pm) for their Thanksgiving holiday visitation. (Dad) will have (child) overnight the nights of (date; date; date; use ex. Sunday, January 1; Monday January 2;, etc... ) ,2007. On overnights mentioned (dad) will have (child) at his residence at (addy, city, state). (Mom) will be given phone call times at (Sunday, January 1, 2007 at 8:00 pm; Mon....). **if he has her 5 nights once nightly is not unheard of specially if you say prayer before bedtime w/ her. realize that she may not want to talk to you just as she did dad, but he expected it so why not you also**

On (date), 2007, (time am/pm), (dad) will return (child) to (mom or ?) at (address, city, state).

EF - you add in anything else that you want to. Just be certain to name who, give total dates, times, etc. I know it is a bunch of redundancy, but there is no way for "oops I didn't see that". If he throws a fit over picking her up from someone else then "if that is what you want ok, you will not be picking her up if you cannot cooperate and compromise". You might leave the word compromise out if you are not gonna budge from what you say. If he fusses about her bein at his residence then say "fine, if you ........". If he says "this doesn't need to be in the paperwork say "fine, if you do not want to ......." See honey, if he had that power he would most certainly be asserting it over you. Not saying you are asserting power over him in any way actually. Only going by what you can both agree on, and with his noncomplyance and verbal abuse then I don't know what else to tell you. This is not easy when he's in your face. I used to cower when mine got in my face. You must muster it up from within.

If you get to the point of bein afraid or if he is upsetting the baby then say "I will ask you one time to leave, if you do not I will call the police and have you removed." If he grabs the child and goes for the door you yell loud enough for him to hear "IF you take (child) from this house I will call the police and have you arrested for trying to kidnap our (be sure to use OUR) child". If he gets IN your face or lays a hand on you tell him "if you touch me one more time I will call the police and I will ahve you arrested for abuse".

October 18, 2007
6:17 am
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mamacinnamon
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Let me answer the other questions in the morning if ok. I heard hubby stir and he's already upset i only slept an hour last night. A girl does need her sleep I spoze. I don't think I know what that is, but it is the monster of the illness. They give you meds to keep you awake during the day but nothing to let you sleep at night.

I'll answer soon I promise.

Please remember, and anyone else who reads this.... I do not say any of this lightly and I do not expect you to assert undo pressure or power over this person or anyone else. It is simply something that needs done to level the field again. My boss taught it to each client he had. Never unfair but always par for their actions. You did not create his disposition so therefore you should not have to pay for it. That is all legal, no persecution other than his retaliation and nobody can stop that. Most will fight hard and then go back to bein somewhat human. Don't let that fool you tho.

🙂

October 18, 2007
6:25 am
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mamacinnamon
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Oh, quick PS.

DO NOT do this until after AFTER after you get your paperwork from the court and see exactly what it says first. No type of surprise that way.

Hang in there, you are doing great.

October 18, 2007
12:03 pm
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mamacinnamon
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EF:

How are you this am? I'm good, ty.

You say,"I need them to understand that he does threaten to keep her"... have you kept the log going? If not I suggest you restart it now. I kept an extensive log for less than a year and the judge refused to see it. Told his attorney to make him get along or else. Held as much water w/ him as this threats did w/ the judge. But, keep it anyway, some judges will look. If you have anyone that heard him say it is the best bet. Not heard you say he said it, but personally heard him say it. Keep that card in your pocket unless you end up in a custody battle.

"that his parents have personal files of me on their computer all over"... may I ask what type files? Do they? if you have not seen them then I would bet there are none, but that is a gamble you'll have to take. If it were before the child and you can clearly see that then it probably won't hold water to anything. They have to prove you a bad mom. Things you did before the child don't matter.

"he lies about me and situations there were no witness to constantly--all of that being my word against his and seeming pretty pointless to get into"... exactly, if he has no proof then it means nothing. He knows that, he's just bluffin most likely, and yet again a he said.. she said.. and the judge will most likely not even entertain the thought because the court goes by the "burden of proof" and if he canot prove it then there is nothing to prove. See what I mean?

The only problem here is that if ya'll cannot get along you are gonna have a judge who will read your paperwork and then decide for a dild a he/she feels best.

Do you know that my evil-ex had not used an attorney in the 4 times he's been married and divorced? Nope? Pro se all the way. He represented himself, and he won. That I do not think is often done because even there is to be an attorney invlved, it is one of those professions that do tend to lean toward attorneies. I could be wrong, but don't quote me on that. (my opinion only)

"(I'm a poor gal from the midwest who dropped out of highschool and didn't finish college because I got pregnant, he's a 2 time college grad with a famous lawyer mother...and the fact is, he's just better at these kinds of things).".... DO you really believe this? First off I will tell you that I graduated busines college w/ a stenograph diploma coz a good job came up that would pay more and I took it. I got my education from the school of hard knocks and from something my dad told me when growin up. He said it is better to sit back and watch rater than to be a part of... meaning, that you learn more from listening rather than getting a bad reputation because you joined in and had to put your two cents worth in.

"he's good about child support, though he uses that as an example of how he's a good person and I'm not because he doesn't argue the ammount and pays it on time but I argue his visit 'requests' ...He's just full of himself isn't he.

As for his willingness to pay the child support? First, one issues has exactly nothing to do w/ the other. Second, it IS his obligation as that child's father, or should I say noncustodial parent coz I believe the same if it were the mom, to help provide for his child. He doesn't get to have all the fun and then not help clean up when he wants to go home, does he? Don't feel bad or let him mess w/ your head over this. When he gloats about paying the child support you could gloat about stayin up all night, feedings, changings, childhood illness, etc, etc, but you are above that. Just sa;y "yes, the child appreciates that you take care of your obligations". IF you DON"T argue it is real hard for a person to argue w/ themself altho I have seen it done.

ammount and pays it on time but I argue his visit 'requests' (argue meaning sometimes can't or don't feel comfortable with EXACLTY what he demands and need to say "that's fine, but this one part..."). Which makes no sense, and really, if he feels child support isn't in her best interests for some reason or it conflicts with her other plans or normal structure in life too much I would definately suggest he address that. It's just not the same thing. It is through the courts, though, I went to court to get that going when she was two--he always payed fine before that too, but was really opposed to doing it trhough the courts, I realize now it was all a legal thing to show himself as being 'amicable'.

October 18, 2007
12:05 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Oh, EF, please disregard that last paragraph. I had copy/pasted since I have no word documentation on this computer at this time. Saved me from scrolling up and down and up and down and.... but I then forgot to erase the last bit.

ooops 🙂

October 18, 2007
8:43 pm
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OK, I got the stuff from the courthouse today, seems they sent it to the wrong address over a year ago and assume that if someone doesn't receive it they will go down there--which seems like a reasonable assumption to me.

As far as what it says, it's a rundown of the repayment he had to make for labor expenses, that we don't need parenting classes because we were successfully co-parenting(!!??)since birth (I was parenting alone and occasionally taking care of him too when he came to visit). Then it states that "the best interests of said child require that Exotic-mommy (mother) be given the care, custody and control of said child. Visitation by the non-custodial paren shall be as prescribed by the Indiana Supreme Court in that courts Parenting time guidelines that are effective on March 31, 2001. Tose are completley incorperated and include the courts order by reference even though the the full content of the guidelines is not reproduced in the Order. Those guidelines must be complied with by the custodial and non custodial parents."

Except it doesn't list me as "Exotic Mommy" 😉

The big thing here is that I DON"T want him to have any less time with her, not at all--I just don't want to be harassed and bagered about fair and reasonable time, or treated abusively constantly. I want removed from the equation pretty much by there being hard and fast rules with no room for the badgering and threats and bullying. I just don't want her relationship with him and his abuse of me to be completley dependant on one another (I can't even tell which is the chicken and the egg at this point!)...

So, that's that. Oh, and I talked with someone at the courthouse who said I should really just refuse to interact with him at all if he starts threatening or bullying me, and just wait for him to take me to court if that's what it comes down to.

That's all.

October 19, 2007
6:33 pm
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exoticflower
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OK, really. I'm just...I don't know, but any self doubt or weakness I was feeling with this bombardment of harassment and threats and conveluted reasoning is done. Laps in judgement, I should know who this guy is and what he does by now.

I did as mamac said and went and got the court papers, and there was all the info I listed above, as well as the guidelines and such and a note that in the event of any conflict it's best to refer to the guidelines. So, I looked again about travel and conflict resolution and such and like an idiot see right in front of my face the holiday schedual.

Which states clearly that Thanksgivings are to be celebrated with the non-custodial parent only on years ending in an even number, which with two lawyer parents and in law school himself, I feel prettttty certain he was aware of the entire time he's been spinning me around and trying to work me over and mess with my head.

Whew.

So, I still offered him the same days I originally did, I'd already planned for them and I want our daughter to have that time as well as a special time here, and said essentially that if those days weren't good enough from him...well, essentially in the words of WD, he can take a flying fuck at the moon.

Of course, I still need him to send written confirmation of everything regarding dates times and understandings that I am the custodial parent and that I give no more permission than what is stated, just to be clear so there's no room for manipulation or any of that crazy stuff he always pulls. But in general, I feel worlds better. He was just up to his games again, and I'm going to do what I feel is the right thing for my daughter and not be controlled by his manipulation or abuse.

Yea, me.

Thanks, guys.

October 21, 2007
1:52 pm
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mamacinnamon
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EF:

I think that is great you are gonna go ahead and let him see her as you said. It will show him that your yes means yes and your no means no. It will show him you are a woman of your word and that you do not waiver. Shows great nobility and strength, including generosity. That is what you have to have to make him decide to back off. If you are never waivering, not saying don't compromise, but that you are the same person and not flitting and flighting and undecisive. A strong woman as this usually makes the bully stop because when you tell him stop or you will take him to court, or call the pollice, he will listen and know that you mean what you say. One thing to remember, and I don't really think you need this reminder, but for others to see also... Be polite, kind, curteous even when putting him in his place. That doesn't sound good, "putting him in his place", but I cannot think of the right words. You know what I mean tho. My dad always said. "kill them w/ kindness" and it truly does work.

Here are a couple site just your your studies into the laws of your state...

http://www.divorcelinks.com/st.....links.html

http://www.womenslaw.org

I wish you the best. Let me know if I can help more.

January 2, 2008
3:06 pm
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exoticflower
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Oops, guess I should have posted this here. Thanks so much again WD and Mamac...you were both a ton of help in keeping my focus in the right place...playing fair but not being a doormat ended up working out best for our daughter, who is the bottom line here.

So, all's well that ends well. I got all the dates and times official and court ordered so there's no room to fight or for him to threaten me or make the rules up as we go along anymore. All I've been asking for for over 2 years now.

I don't know that the judge gave enough credit or understanding to the fact that he's not just being overly legal because he's in law school but that he uses it really viciously, but she did say she understands that it's very scary for me and that he CAN'T threaten to take her under any circumstances, and that now that everything is decided in writing to a T with the courts I shouldn't have anything to worry about anymore. She did tell him to get real, and she did tell him he obviously manipulates the situations using his legal know-how and that I shouldn't have to live like that.

BUT, she also told me that I have to be more tolerant, that it's a flaw in his character and it's just something that in real life with co-parenting I'm going to have to adapt to. But, mostly she told him off then got to work. And I guess I don't care if she understands how mean or innocent his motivation really is, just so long as I don't have to live with the harassment anymore and he can just focus on Morgan and she can enjoy a relationship with him without all of this extra power play entitlement stuff.

And, she REFUSED to find me in contempt of court orders under any circumstances at all, saying "You did essentially threaten to abduct a child leaning on legal technicalities. She was scared, and was given every reason by you to be".

Ahhhh.

Thank God it's over with. He was definitely up to something though, I think he knew he was going to get made an ass of, or that he was trying to manipulate things even then. When I was first waiting for us to go in, he came over to me and said it would be in my best interests to make a plea bargain with him out there and not go before the judge, that he was trying to go easy on me (and can I pause here to say...WHAT kind of a horrible child does someone have to raise to look the woman who gave birth to his child and say "I'm willing to offer you a plea bargain"? No matter the situation, that's just the smarmiest most appalling thing in the world, that he could ever bring himself to say such a thing out loud. Not on a legal level, just on a who he's decided to be and what mark he's decided to make on the world level--ewww.).

And I stared at him like he was f*cking nuts and said "No, I'M the one who said we need to do this in a courtroom. I don't have any idea what you mean, I've done nothing wrong, what do I have to plea?". Anyway, the sheets of paper he was trying to give me was 3 pages long. The ones he presented to the judge, just the times and dates he wanted her (which is ALL I wanted, just dates and times to be court documented, and no air travel until summer) was only almost a page, all of things I've been saying all the while.

I wanted to scream "YOU'RE F*CKING BRILLIANT!!!! I WISH I HAD THOUGHT OF THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

So, he knew I was right all along and still dragged me though it, but you know how he be--blech. Even trying to manipulate things at the last possible second, STILL trying to intimidate and manipulate me instead of just trying to be civilized so we can agree on lots of time for him and his daughter. And, he was really weird about not wanting to say anything in front of his mother and not let her in the court room--he had wanted his father to come out instead too. I think she probably had no idea what he's really been putting me through, I'm pretty sure he just made it out to be that I out of nowhere decided he couldn't see her, never mentioned the threats or harassment at all. I'm sure he's been giving her a totally different story all along and she has no idea what kind of an absolute monster he's been and what he's been putting me through.

His father, on the other hand, likes that kind of stuff, is usually the first to suggest it.

Anyway, it's done, the judge agreed with me fully, he asked for very little knowing he was in the wrong and I offered him more time with her than he asked for because I know our daughter would want that and benefit from it, and all is well that ends well.

And, she told him to get real and be a father...just on a smug and slightly self-indulgent spiteful note, I loved that

January 2, 2008
5:08 pm
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sdesigns
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W H E W, good job, EF!

SD

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