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EF -- need my head kicked off.
July 22, 2005
4:20 pm
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Anonymous
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EF --

The other woman called just after noon. Secretary told me and I left for lunch...did not take call. Message was that I should return the call as it was urgent and I knew the number. Have not called, do not want to call but the damned urge comes and goes pretty strongly.

Thanks (I'm teeing up my head now)

July 22, 2005
4:27 pm
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SexySadie
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ooh...this is interesting...what is going on in your head right now? I know I've had my encounter with the OW.

July 22, 2005
4:32 pm
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exoticflower
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Yeah, you better be teeing it up.

The worste part about this, CD, is that you are giving her your emotional energy...when you are unfaithful in your heart, that is when you are really living a lie. THere is NOTHING urgent this woman could have to say unless it's that she's perggers, in which case you split custody down the middle and allow your wife to be present for every exchange nessacary. WHat besides that could it be?

YOu should have your secretary suggest next time that she call your wife and leave a message there. Don't call her, for the love of god, or at least for the love of your wife unless you do it with your wife right there and let this woman know that she is sitting exactly beside you, HER rightful place, and that anything she has any business telling you, anything that isn't sneaky or wrong, she can say in the presence of the woman you have decided you truly love and choose to share your life with...YOUR WIFE. Make sure that it is out there for everyone exactly what this woman is--the other woman, the woman you once shared in homewrecking behavior with--it's like an alcoholic just spending some time with an old drinking buddy--maybe it won't lead to drinking, but why would you ever want to risk it? Haven't you all been through enough to show you that involvement with this woman is toxic to you and your family? She is no idiot, and neither are you--if it where truly important, she would say what it was. Anything that has to be secret isnot something that you have any business sharing with her if you want her out of your life.

Before all else, maybe you should let your wife know she called? I am sure she can kick your head off better than anyone else could anyway.

Sorry I had to get ugly there, CD, but you have a wife and a daughter to think about...I have been the very destroyed woman that your wife must feel like often now, and I have to say, it was all because he selfishly and carelessly just went off and did whatever the hell he wanted with no thought to responsability, compassion, love, respect for our daughter or myself...you don't want to be that guy, do you? That guy is a 24 year old alcoholic who is in complete denile and has lost two amazing girls because of his stupidity. Please don't be that imature and stupid, you have every opertunity to do the right thing here, and you have been doing it. You wouldn't be asking me to kick your head off, by the way, if you didn't know exactly how selfish and wrong it would be to betray your wife and family even for the moments secret call.

July 22, 2005
4:36 pm
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exoticflower
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Did I mention, by the way, YOUR WIFE? SHe is the one you are emotionally spitting on if you do anything that even remotely brings this woman back into your life. If you even almost risk inviting this woman back into your bed you may as well just do it, your heart is in a selfish place that your wife shouldn't have to bother with. I hope that isn't the case, the wonderful thing here is that it is up to you, that you have the power to make or break your own life with your family every time something like this happens. You have a wonderful opertunity to do right by your wife after all that has hurt her.

July 22, 2005
5:15 pm
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Anonymous
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Can you see me smiling, EF? Thank you.

I'm still doing the right thing and YES I did tell my wife and no I haven't called and no I don't intend to and no, she is not preggers....impossibility. My guess is that life pretty-much sucks for her right now and she is calling for the rescue. there, that's all the energy I'm giving it/her.

Thank you again.

July 22, 2005
5:18 pm
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exoticflower
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((((cd))))), that's great. Again let me say, I would give anything to lock my ex in a room with you for 10 hours and let you tell him what he SHOULD have done!

July 23, 2005
12:36 am
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lost and found
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cd-yyyyaaaahhhhoooo!!!! sounds like you are on your way to healthy boundries. believe it or not, they make your life alot easier. you don't need your head kicked off, you need a good pat on the back. you have chosen your course(stay with wife)(let go of ow) you survived today. be proud
proud of you
lost and found

July 27, 2005
9:14 am
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2bstrong
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cd and exotic...

Feeling very angry and hateful toward ex these past 48 hours. I don't like these feelings at all because I know from the past that they will be followed by extreme depression. How do you guys work through the anger? This always happen when I get to a half-way good and stable place. Then, anger and rehash of issues and blame, etc.

I am thinking that this has come about in this stage for a couple of reasons. First, I have been reading the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It is validating, but it brings about in me the desire for confrontation or closure. Secondly, it's the four month anniversary of the end. Not a good week to wrestle with all of this.

How long has it been for both of you, and how are you doing? 2b

July 27, 2005
9:25 am
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Hi 2b
I know I'm not cd or ef, but I have done my time in the anger stage so thought I'd share.

Best advice...embrace your anger...your hate...your resentment and your bitterness. It won't last forever...it's not permanent and you will tire of it because it's exhausting. But it will pass faster if you welcome it and don't try to fight it or work your way around it.

Anger is just a bunch of feelings...same as sadness, and happiness. It will pass. Get yourself some Alannis Morisette and crank it as loud as it will go.

I spent a good 3 months completely angry and bitter. And I loved every minute of it. It was better than feeling sad and broken and victimized. It passed of course- that much anger tires you out and in the end, it did only hurt me. But it was very therapeutic for a girl who always wants to be "nice" and take the "high road". I'm still that girl, but that girl is only human and sometimes, when she gets hurt, she gets downright PISSED and is entitled to that.

kc

July 27, 2005
9:32 am
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2bstrong
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Hi kc--

Glad you posted! I was just reading your response on EF's thread on feelings being validated. Good stuff there too.

Funny how you said it's exhausting! Indeed it is. Tuesday I must have waken up ten times in the night just filled with anger and hate thoughts. I don't like the hate thoughts because I know that I am investing emotional energy in him. For some reason, the usual diversion tactics didn't work. You are right--I need to learn how to embrace my anger and resentment instead of fearing it. I guess the fear comes out of having no control over it.

So--Alanis it is. Loud and aggressive. Might as well do some head rockin' dancing in there too.

Thanks, kc.--2b

July 27, 2005
9:38 am
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kc30
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Haha! Headbanging is good...but don't hurt yourself! I did that once and couldn't move my neck for 3 days!! hahahaha

July 27, 2005
9:41 am
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2bstrong
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AAAAh, whiplash!

July 27, 2005
10:48 am
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exoticflower
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2b, you remember I had that intensely angry spell a couple of nights ago, but not so anrywith HIM being a jerk or with HIM screwing up our life or with HIM 'abandining us', it was more angry with the way things where in general, with how his choices are hurting ME, with how sad I feel about a relationship that I am honestly realizing now never had a prayer, how angry i am that MY sanity and right to hurt where questioned, that I was abused. Like, I felt this actual shift in my focus, where it was about how I felt and not about "WHAT YOU DID" which will never change, and is not something we could have worked through, and in our case was just a reflection of the dysfunctions that would always be nessaccary from him for me to stay and from me to stay, and if you recal from when I came here...who would want to live their whole lives the way I was? Between some therapy, and what happened recently, and his threatening and maddening me so shortly after it after showing no emotion or ever menitioning it again...well, I guess I just needed to hurt enough, think alone enough, and cry enough before I worked through my denial and saw what I was REALLY dealing with.

It's been 25 days since I got in this mindframe, since the calls and the threats when I was able to clearly see the sick communication-script we have alwasy followed, and since then I have not wanted him, not even in small fuzzy ways, or even been too consumed with the anger from what happened between us...you know, that lightbulb moment or click we all talk so much about.

Of course, we where not togeather for nearly as long as you where with your fiance, but to hear me tell it the way I used to in my mind we where soul mates torn apart by so many things...his parents, his alcoholism, my codependancey, stress of being new parents, the other sluts luring him, his penis making him so helpless...and I think for me the anger and the romanticizing went hand in hand. I really had to tap in on what anger was resentment becasue of these romantic wants I was harboring, and which where real healthy anger to work through and such, if that makes sense.

Can you write down what star-crossed lover things you imagine and then next to each of them, write the truth? And maybe put some thought into what ways you and he communicated or lived in an unhealthy way and look at what sort of things where required from you to keep you both content, then ask yourself how many of those things you would want to HAVE to hold onto? FOr his every one negative behavior you are pissed as hell and likely rightfully so about, there is an unhealthy behavior required from you to facilitate it. I get the idea that he was emotionally abusive, and as I have realized this about my ex I have seen a lot of things in myself that as I am changing and healing are going away, and as they do the anger goes a bit as well.

And as kc30 says here "...embrace your anger...your hate...your resentment and your bitterness. It won't last forever...it's not permanent and you will tire of it because it's exhausting. But it will pass faster if you welcome it and don't try to fight it or work your way around it.

Anger is just a bunch of feelings...same as sadness, and happiness. It will pass. Get yourself some Alannis Morisette and crank it as loud as it will go. ".

Though I recommend Liz Phair. I just thinks it helps to understand your anger to really make it work for you and turn it into progress.
SOme anger is really longing in disguise, I think. That real anger though...you where betrayed and hurt and jlted. Hell yeah you're angry, and you SHOULD be! it's part of the grieving proccess, part of the healing proccess, just like denial (there's all sorts of anger there too, I think, but less honest anger).

I hope this makes some sense? I haven ot frinken any coffee, but I saw this thread and when I saw you where angry...it's been a big one for me. YIPPIE for anger and it's healing properties! Aloe, zink, anger...ahhh.:) Anyway, I wanted to get the thoughts down before I lost them in my morning routine, but in my haste may have gotten them a bit jumbled. ((((((2b))))), I think everything is going to be fine, and that how you are feeling is so normal and healthy. I think if you forgive yourself for your anger and just allow it you can really learn some things from it. It's all a part of moving foreward, you know?

July 27, 2005
10:53 am
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exoticflower
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by the way ladies, to avoid the headbanger ouchies, you may want to try line dancing--hip shaking and STOMPING BIG BOOTS around. Reafirm how sexy you can feel(was that the right way to use that word? methinks not) and getting to throw a real tauntum with stomping and hand flailing and all! Nancy Sinatra had it right, it's great to be an angry woman in boots!

July 27, 2005
4:49 pm
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2bstrong
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Gosh exotic, I love you so much!!!!

Thank you for the reassurance that I am ok...So much like my little boat being tossed about in the storm...I want so badly to be over this. Sometimes I think that is why I'm really crying--because I can't take it anymore.

I bought some green cowboy boots for Mardi Gras and St. Pat's day. I need to get those babies out and put them back in commission.

This is a really good thread, exotic. Thanks c-dad.--2b

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