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EA/VA DAD brings 13yr old daughter into our disagreement
May 15, 2006
3:46 pm
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petitefour
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Hello all!
My husband of six years is not only abusive ea/va, but drinks+OTC meds. He has recently gotten worse and has been driving his truck with our children (and his) while under the influence.

So far, the police have not been contacted, about this activity. He has, again, promised to stop this kind of behavior especially when driving anyone (especially his kids/mine). Or to drive at all.

We recently had an argument about this kind of behavior AND his inexcusable behavior of offering our 15 yr old son(s) good "stuff" if they ever wanted illegal substances to experiment with. I told him that was unexceptable and against the law to offer minors any substances!!!

Long night, short....in the middle of this loud discussion, he started yelling for his daugther (who only visits on the weekends) to come into our bedroom....I suppose to stop the discussion OR to witness me so upset with him....then he called me a few names, I locked him OUT of our bedroom and he then went to sleep with his 13 yr old daughter in her room.

The next day his daugther asked me why was I so MEAN to her father? There were many adult things she knows nothing about.

How do you handle a situation like this one? Any suggestions? I am so disgusted that he would bring his own daugther into our arguement. Any ideas, feedback?

(I believe him to an NPD, as well).

Thanks!

p4

May 15, 2006
4:01 pm
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jastypes
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Are you still living with this man? It sounds to me like you could easily get a protective order based on his drug use. The courts can insist on drug testing and/or counseling.

May 15, 2006
10:23 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I am so sorry sweetheart. That sounds awful. IF the 13 year old asks again. I would tell her that her father has made some choices that you dont agree with, and leave it at that. I say if you know that he is driving drunk with kids in the car call the cops. That is unexusable. He could so easily get into an accident and not only kill himself but the children as well.

May 16, 2006
8:41 am
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petitefour
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I have come to realize, after this last arguement, that it is not worth me fighting,arguing or pleading with him to stop any of his substance abuse problems.

I have informed him, his family and his children that IF he chooses to drive (under the influence) again, and I am aware of his condition.... I WILL CALL THE POLICE.

I know I need to leave, but cannot (again) due to financial reasons.

His 13 year old daughter has been informed about his "bad choices", but will not believe it or accept it. This is ALL she knows. She has never been around her father sober, to my knowledge. This condition is NORMAL for her. She believes I am being mean to her father because I do not agree with his choices.

My issue is how damaging it is for HER to have my husband yell for her to get in the middle of our arguments.

What should I do the next time he chooses this path?

Leave the house? (which I have done, it matters not) he just starts arguing with me again when I return.

Attempt to reason with her? She feels her father needs protecting from me?

HELP! Any suggestions for coping until I CAN GET out would be appreciated.

P4

May 16, 2006
8:24 pm
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mamac
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Iam so sorry for your situation. I have been and am in one similar. I left my abusive boyfriend who also did drugs. But I somehow ended up with the same kind of man. He dosent do drugs but he acts like it. He involves the kids in our arguments for the same reasons. I know you feel helpless because I do. I am probably not a great one to give advice on this subject because I allow it to happen to me, but if you need an understanding ear I will be here.

May 17, 2006
12:30 pm
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petitefour
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My husband is a classic NPD along with everything else (drug/alcohol/verbal/emotional abuse).

Like all the other things he does and says that create a negative environment in our home, I HAVE to let it go as long as I remain there in HIS home.

Letting go is all BUT impossible for me to do! I feel its my responsibiity to try to stop him, change him or reason with him at every turn....when I recognize a pattern of behavior emerging from him. These are my co dep issues emerging.

I have had a few light bulb moments occur in the past few days.....one of them is not engaging with him any more...no arguing, no fighting, etc.
Instead, walk away or dismiss it and then WRITE down (in my private journel) what WOULD have been my verbal response to whatever he was doing/saying at that moment. Say nothing. Do not react.

I am hoping I can get stronger with this. So, I am struggling with this idea.

Thanks for your input and concern though.

P4

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