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E-mailed him - could kick myself
May 22, 2007
4:36 pm
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VelvetHeart
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Well, I e-mailed the xbf so I could he could return my resume and other documents I had used to apply for jobs in his home state. I wanted the hard copies because my soc sec no. and personal info was on them. He e-mailed me my resume and I said to look for any hard copies and he's now giving me a hard time, like 'what's the difference betw e-mail and hard copy'? I tried explaining and he was just getting nasty and bringing up our relationship and blaming Everything on me! I should have known to just let it go but I was afraid of my social security number getting into the wrong hands and really messing up my credit or worse. His last e-mail said, 'you're a liar'. I deleted it and won't reply. We haven't talked about stuff since he broke up with me in an e-mail last Sept. so I guess it's all coming out. He wants Me to feel bad about everything when He decided to move to his home state and wanted me to pick up my life and move with him, and he didn't want to wait and got involved with someone else before breaking up with me. Now it's all my fault. Well if he wanted to make me mad it sure worked.

V~

May 22, 2007
4:57 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Even IF he sent back the hard copies, nothing is stopping him from making a photocopy of it first.

So, at this point, it really is going to be a moot point. If he wanted to use that info for no good, he can.

Perhaps it's in your own best interest to just let it go and go back to no contact and work on healing from this.

Get a copy of your credit report and perhaps get a subscription to the companies that watch your credit and stuff for you...protect you from identity theft...if you are that worried he will do something.

If you push, he may do something out of being spiteful...if you let it go, he may let it go too.

What he did was painful...but at this point, it seem like keeping in contact is even more painful.

My ex owes me TONS of money...I could EASILY take him to court...but decided to walk away instead...court would only drag it out, and he wouldn't pay anyway...just wasn't worth the drama and chaos in my life.

May 22, 2007
5:11 pm
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taj64
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Ok so you done did this email and you wish you could take it back but you cannot. Don't be yourself up though. It happened. IT does not matter if he has the paper or not. There isnt much you can do. It appears you wrote him not just to get the paper but to somehow be in touch with him and not really about the paper. That is why no contact is so important, that you don't burn yourself if you are still hurting over a person. It could come back on you. It did for me lots of times. Eventually you will lose these feelings if you let it be. Let it fade. Nobody can really make you feel bad. It is up to you how to take it and what to do with it. So start fresh and turn that nasty mad thought and steer towards what you can do about this anger. Beat a pillow and think it is his face or something. Blame is nothing but guilt inwards. So I guess he is guilty and insecure. And you can move on by not being his target. Try to stay away from emails to this guy. He has moved on and now it is time for you too. Move forward, not backward.

May 22, 2007
5:18 pm
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loverbee
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Velvet...Oh how annoying are ex's when it was a bad breakup. As far as getting the documents...well, maybe you guys will never be able to resolve the issues regarding your breakup but here is what I would do...I would write back and say, "fine, you think I am a liar that is your problem...but still could you mail me the documents because they really have nothing to do with anything except they are mine, not yours and I want them back. Unless you are planning to steal my identity you have absolutely no reason not to return them except to be creepy. So mail them." If not maybe there is a lawyer who can help you get them back.

May 22, 2007
5:43 pm
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fantas
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Velvet, I agree with Rising, if he is going to misuse your identity, he will do that anyway. You can tell him that you will file a police report indicating that your is the suspect. Otherise just go and get new ones and count your loses. I think the drama is just not worth it and by keeping contact with him, you are allowing to continue disrespecting you. As for the money he owes you, you can go to small claims court and if he is found to be owing you, he'd have to pay you and return your documents while he's at it. I wish you all the best.

May 22, 2007
5:54 pm
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lettingo
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I agree with taj64. It is a very slippery slope when you break the NC. I suggest always check your motives as to why you are "really" contacting this person. I always ask myself is it really 100% necessary. 99.9% of the time the answer is no and I have learned to not give in to the impulse. If you don't want to get into the "dance" then have absolutely no contact of any kind. Good luck.

May 22, 2007
8:48 pm
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VelvetHeart
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Thank you for all your thoughtful replies. It means so much to me to hear your thoughts and advice for I admire you all. I like the way you explain what I feel but sometimes have trouble expressing, like Loverbee's e-mail response suggestion. I might use it word for word if I decide to respond. Rising, I agree that if I push it too hard he might use it against me, so I need to take it easy, which I feel I have been. Taj, yes I need to go back to No Contact. Fantas and LettingGo, I don't want to continue the 'dance'. I needed to hear that.

But I have to say that I'm proud of myself because if I was dealing with this 6 mos ago I would've been a wreck, but I felt the anger, was under control and able to talk to a close friend about it, and right now I actually feel calm and at peace. It actually feels strange that I can think about the xbf and not really feel all upset and worried if he's hurting or mad. Definitely different, but Great!

Thank you again!

Velvet~

May 23, 2007
10:48 am
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VelvetHeart
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The xbf e-mailed this morning and he apologized for all he wrote. Here's what he wrote...'Sorry Cuz,
I didn't mean all that. I guess there are still a lot of strong feelings here. I know you still care for me even if you won't admit it. And I do to. Still love ya Cuz. And I hope I am still your Cuz, Cuz.

We called each other Cuz because of my last name is the same as one of his cousins. Just wanted to explain.

I haven't replied but feel like I should say something, not sure what. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks, V~

May 23, 2007
11:30 am
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risingfromtheashes
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you made six months with NO CONTACT and started healing.

do NOT start back at square one.

you don't owe him ANY explanation.

He baited you...he lashed out first, made you feel bad, now comes the apology, making you feel better.

He is trying to get his foot back in the door.

IF you explain that you were worried that he would use your personal info, you will piss him off.

So, let it go.

Don't even respond at this point.

It's not worth playing the game.

You did great for six months...any contact now would put you back at the start and open up old wounds.

If you feel the need to email him - say "I just would like my hard copies back please, please mail them to me"....and let that be it.

Any mention of your state of mind will get you sucked back in. I doubt you want that...it's a slippery slope.

May 23, 2007
11:58 am
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AQueen
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You can talk to the social security office and maybe get a new social security number if you're that worried. No contact means just that. If that's your goal then do not reply to his email. Personally I don't think you owe him a reply because he sent you a flirty email. He's probably betting you'll fold that easy. That's how these guys work.
AQueen

May 23, 2007
12:37 pm
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StronginHim77
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Velvet -

This man is toxic. Contact with him of ANY kind, for ANY reason is simply going to set you back, emotionally. Your Number #1 Priority is your own well-being and recovery from the wounds he inflicted on your heart last year. You were doing great. Don't let this interaction set you back.

As tempting as it might be to volley forth another email, I would let it drop. No matter how reasonable, direct, firm or "right" you might be in your email (both its message and its format), you can't win with this man. EVER. There will be no closure. You don't have to repeat yourself. If he's so doggone decent, let him return your hard copies, (assuming he hasn't thrown them out which is what abusers usually do) without being begged, pleaded with, etc.

Please don't be taken in by his sudden "charm." Abusers do this stuff all the time. He is just testing the waters to see how much you miss him, to determine how vulnerable you still are to him, despite the months of No Contact. You can only protect yourself from him by initiating TOTAL NO CONTACT. Do not respond. This man has not changed. He is the same man who abandoned you last year. Hold onto the Truth. Abusers DO NOT CHANGE. If they will fail and wound you once, they will do it again...and again...and again. As often as we allow them back into our lives.

I know it is SOOOO tempting to get "hoovered" back into contact with them when they start acting nice again. Don't be fooled. There is barbed wire, hidden beneath that satin glove.

I am rooting for you. I know it's a very, very hard decision. But I am praying you will stand strong and stay clear of this man. He is EVIL.

- Ma Strong

May 23, 2007
1:53 pm
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itsmynick
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velvet, don't beat u'reself up.. this is just another setback, and u can handle this.. 🙂

peace.. 🙂

May 23, 2007
2:01 pm
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VelvetHeart
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You're all absolutely right, I don't owe him Anything. I will wait and see if I receive it in the mail. Thank you for keeping me on track and looking at reality. I had a thought that not replying would make him mad and then he Will do something with my personal info. But I need to let it Go and Move On. I do feel stronger than last year, but like you say, it's a slippery slope and why go back and open old wounds. I can't go back there. I'm going to print these posts and read them every time I feel tempted.

(((Ma, Queen, rising, lettingo, fantas, loverbee, taj))) and to this msg board, I pray for your continued strength and well-being.

Luv, Velvet~

May 23, 2007
8:10 pm
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fantas
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(((Velvet))) stay strong. I'd say while he is in a good mood, make sure he sends your stuff. When you get it, disconnect every line of communication with him. Sometimes we have to be diplomatic in our dealings with insane people:)

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