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Dysfunctional Relationships
December 14, 2001
2:40 pm
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sickgirl
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I don't know where to begin except to say this codependcy stuff is all new for me, I start going to meetings next week and I'm both excited and scared.

I grew up in a violent, alcoholic home (father drinker). I am now 36 years old. I consider myself to be a lesbian and I have an ex-husband (just was divorced last year) but have been separated for about six years, and two daugthers, age 11 and 8.

In April of 2000 I moved in with the person I thought was the love of my life, another woman, we started out as being friends and both left our lovers to be together (we didn't cheat or anything before hand - just talked and got to know each other) I thought anyway.

I still remember the first argument we had and how much it hurt. I felt and still feel like we don't communicate. She is very jealous and also has tons and tons of friends that I feel like I'm in competition with. Incidents happened when we went out a couple of times, me dancing with others, etc. and she took that just like I cheated on her, one night we got into a physical altercation, I threw the first punch, and she told me to get the f*** out and sent me to a hotel with her best friend. We slept together, she doesn't know for sure, I wish I could tell her, but I have been ridiculed and punished so much for that. I moved out of her house, and into an apartment, lost my job, and am now living with my daughters and exhusband (he is my best friend probably and is always there to support me - thank god, I wish I could love him again but I seem unable to)

Anyway every time we broke up, I tried to go on, I feel awful about the physcial fights we've had, etc. I do think she deserves better than me, I didn't call there was once I dated someone else and she saw us out and got furious (how could I love her and be with somebody else that fast - I told her it's called running) - she's always called me back.

My problem now is that we're together but anytime anything comes up, she brings up the past she hasn't had enough time she says, if things go on that I disagree with and I try to say something her response is she doing what she has to for her, she gave 110% before, I just feel like I have no rights in the relationship. She doesn't trust me, she can go out to the bars with me, but I can't without her, I've tried to explain my past and what I know but she thinks there just excuses. She continually says how glad she is that we're not living together for a while, she has more money than me, a company she's running we were suppose to start together.

I just feel so low and it's so hard to continue on, I wish sometimes I could just move or start over. I feel like she continually looks down on me. I feel sucidial, if it weren't for my girls, that would be me answer.

Will the meetings help me get better? Will I meet people I can be close to? I have a hard time trusting and making friends.

What shoudl I do about my g/f? I'm so tried of feeling like the bad person. Why do I always mess everything good up?

Thanks for listening.

December 14, 2001
3:02 pm
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Molly
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You can run, but you can't hide, where ever you go there you are!! It takes a dysfunctional person, to be in and maintain a dysfunctional relationship. Ok, so you had a rough beginning, and could have behavior patterns established in childhood, that your still demonstrating in your relationships. We usually are attracted to some one like our parents to carry on the dis-ease, just human stuff, that yes you can learn to change, the meetings should give you insight, and its not really a social club,so don't worry about meeting people yet, relationships are not the issue here, and is symptomatic of the dis-ease. External gratifacation. Immediate external gratifacation. I am sure that you brought your stuff into your marriage, and with the break up added more issues into the new lesbian relationship. Like usually attracts like, I doubt with all the emotional upheavel you were real stable to begin with, again, not just you, but all humans. Doesn't matter if you change your sexual orientation, the behavior is there weather your with a man or woman, its just that there are more issues in a lesbian relationship to deal with most times. Almost like the rob Peter, to pay Paul analogy, trading problems. My suggestion would be to leave girl friend alone, and be greatful that ex has allowed you a place to stay with your girls for the holiday, I would also be careful to not get emotionally tangeled with him which could be tempting, considering your current dependency and emotional neediness. Just remain friends, and focus on your personal recovery. Go to the library and do some reading, the self help section has a pluthera of books for you to start, way to many to mention, just go with the one that calls to you, pick it up and read it all don't skim, and if it is a work book do some of that. the physical violence, well when we have stuffed emotions, pain, hurt, anger, and are up against the wall, we can do some really strange behaviors, don't beat your self up for your actions, just try to understand where they come from. the relationship right now isn't balanced, and it sounds like your giving her your power, that all what ever it takes to keep you behavior, which is another symptom, like a drug you need, that isn't really good for you. You don't need a mommy or daddy, you need an equal, but you need to be equal to obtain one, and with some insight, and a little time, you will be one if you choose to take the time to do the work. You are lucky right now, you have your kids, your friend, and shelter, instead of being all alone. We make some painful choices, but with out the pain, we wouldn't learn, now would we. You will survive this, and be a better person for your efforts. don't ever surrender, and remember your personal success is the best revenge to pain and suffering. give her more space than she can imagine, and you should possibly consider severing the relationship right now to help your recovery, you most likely won't want a thing to do with her, once you understand your dis-ease. focus on you .

December 14, 2001
3:12 pm
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sickgirl
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Molly, thank you for your reply. I have started reading some things that's how I knew I had to get involved with a group to help myself. I know I need to put some distance between my g/f and myself and I'm working up to it, it's hard because I do feel alone, but I also wonder what she gets out of "keeping me down" or punishing me but I guess it doesn't really matter because I just need to worry out what I have control over, which is me. It's easier said that done.

December 14, 2001
3:16 pm
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Molly
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Her need to controll could come from her childhood, just like and this is a guess here, your wanting a controller. There is always a match, we don't see it until it gets way out of balance, like your fight,and now her controlling behavior. They usually do it, for .....controll, domination, its just who they are, what they have learned to protect them selves, it is a power trip, she is even running the business right? Its part of her persona, but doesn't really work in relationships today.
If you look are there similarities between her, your ex, and possibly a parent?

December 14, 2001
3:53 pm
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sickgirl
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One of the main reasons I was attracted to her is because she's strong like my mom was. I admire the fact that she has worked and has all these things like a home, business, money, etc and is able to do anything herself like take care of the house, mow the lawn, service the vehicles. Also she is very critical of anybody who is different from her and doesn't seem to get the point that no everybody thinks and acts like her. She can't relate outside herself. It's hard to communicate with her because it's her way pretty much. That's different from my ex because he drove me crazy because he didn't take care of things and some things I don't know how to take care of.

She reminds me of my dad because she can go from this totally sweet person to this angry monster that stands over me and scares me when she gets upset and you never know when it's going to be.

December 14, 2001
5:12 pm
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Molly
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Why don't you read some of the postings on these threads regarding narcissistic personalities, and the charmer manipulator, and see if anything fits. It could be that the marriage was kinda normal, and didn't fit with your childhood. Just guessing.

December 21, 2001
1:33 pm
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deshong
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sickgirl,

My suggestion is that you hold off on getting into any other relationships with people outside of your immediate family until you have started working through some of the 12 steps that you will learn in the codependancy groups.
Right now you probably need to work on you apart from another partner.Take time to focus on you and your children until you can be more healthy emotionally.

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