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Dysfunctional family troubles.
July 28, 2005
2:26 am
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itavarap
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September 30, 2010
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My family life is really horrible right now. I'm doing my best to not be outwardly affected by it, but I can't help it sometimes.

My mother's dying of lung cancer. She had an operation almost two years ago and almost died then; she spent a month in a coma and only barely recovered. They recently found another tumor that's inoperable, and she is refusing chemo or other treatment. She's pretty much accepted that she's going to die and she has sort of given up. She's a histrionic personality anyway, so this gives her the perfect opportunity to play martyr.

My dad has recently found out that he has prostate cancer. Along with dealing with my mother's illness, he's also come down with severe gout and can barely get around himself. He has to constantly manage her and her illness, and she's a handful sometimes. She is post-stroke and will occasionally do things like double up on her insulin because she's out of it and can't remember that she just took it, or she'll take too much oxycontin and flip out. So he's got a handful to deal with along with his own health.

He's not coping well. He's very prone to hysterical, manipulative outbursts, suicidal threats, massive anger and resentment, and pushing blame for all that's going wrong on everyone else.

My only sibling is a crackhead. He's a few years younger than me, and my parents have been enabling him for over 10 years by giving him money, buying him cars and other living supplies (that he promptly sells for crack or heroin), paying for rehabs, sorting out his legal troubles.. The list is endless. He's got drug induced schizophrenia now and has been physically violent to all of us. On one memorable occasion I had to pistol-whip him in order to prevent him choking my mother to death. The local police know my family well.

I'm the only semi-normal one. I ran away from home at the age of 16 to live in my teacher's van and begin my own life because my home situation was just too terrible to consider. I didn't speak to my family for years, but once my brother's drug addiction really became an issue they began to rely on me heavily for advice and for protection from him when he'd go nuts.

When my mother was comatose and post-stroke, I was her primary caregiver. She nursed her own mother to death when she was my age, and she seems to expect me to do the same for her. While I love her dearly, I just can't see abandoning my whole life to move into their house and care for her (and my father) and deal with my psychotic brother. I just can't.

Now, my father has started calling me up and screaming at me. He says that I don't care about the family, or him, or my mother, and that I will be really happy when they both die. Or, he'll just kill himself so that he doesn't have to deal with any of this any longer and it will all be on me. My mother is sort of quietly pushing it on everyone that she's dying and needs all this attention. My brother is freaking out because my dad has (once again) written him off for some minor argument or another and, in his paranoid delusional world, it's my fault. He seems to think that I called my father and told him something, and that's why my dad won't talk to him.

So all day today, I've been getting calls from my father, my mom, and my brother. All of them screaming at me in various ways about their own dramas. I quietly listen, tell them that they're mistaken, or I said no such thing, and don't appreciate being talked to in that tone, and I hang up. Only to receive another call a few moments later.

I haven't seen anyone in my family for over three weeks. None of this has anything to do with me. I can't help it my mom's dying, I can't help it that my dad's a selfish bastard who's trying to deal with the fact that for once, his money's not going to buy what he wants (his wife to be healed). I can't help it that my brother is a worthless human being who's so paranoid that everything that happens in his life is someone else's fault.

I wish they would just leave me alone. I wish I could just ... stop talking to all of them. But my mom's dying. She has only a few months more to live. How can I maintain my own sanity boundaries, while not just writing her off? This is killing me.

July 28, 2005
7:38 am
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Rasputin
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Hi Honey (IVA),

Your story touched my heart very profoundly. Coming from dysfunctional family myself, I couldn't help but sympathize and identify so many similarities, perhaps not the same events but the same effects.

At least in your case you only have 1 sibling which makes it less stressful. I have several siblings, each is difficult and dysfunctional.

I can proudly say that I am the ONLY overcomer in my whole family. I've always maintained a relationship with HP/God even in the bleakest moments. Now that I live alone- have been alone for 7 years and 1/2 today, I have not only come along was, but also have been healed and transformed thru the power of HP/God.

During the past 7 years & 1/2 I went thru a healing process during which I rarely contacted any therapist only occasionally social workers. With the help of book, I was able to start my healing process. Of course it would be more helpful and even vibrant to seek help of coda meetings, therapists. However, in my case due the abuses followed by PTSD, I was too paranoid to seek or see people. I had a feeling that everyone out there wants to get me or harm me. Now, thru the power of HP, I am still cautious person which I consider something very wise and I choose my friends carefully. I love people so much, yet I am a true friend and demand the same criteria when I choose my friends.

I am an optimist, I believe family dysfunction is not only workable but solvable. Read my post on "Lib thread" upstairs entitled "Why do men hate spirituality?"

Coming to this site has been a real blessing to me as I am sure it will to you. The warmth, wisdom and wonderful cyber friends I have met here brought out the best in me. Now, I am able to be helped and offer help to others especially those who went thru the same issues.

You will be in my prayers, honey!

~Love, RAS~

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