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DYING INSIDE ..PLEASE READ 911
February 24, 2005
4:30 pm
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dying inside
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Dear people that reply to my post, thank you...is such a big relief knowing that someone cares.. I am going to answer some questions that Worried Dad make me, I been married to this man since 20 yrs. ago I got pregnant when I was 18 yrs. old and we have 2 children 19 and 16. I am 37 I don't have any family here, I used to go to church but I am not coming anymore, I am an a deep depression, I found this site, looking in the internet..I can't afford therapy, my husband is a man same my age, with a lot a frustations in his life, I don't think that he has any good thing that I can tell you,he used to beat me since I was pregnant with my daughter, and he wanted me to get an abortion with my second baby, he has cheat on me several times..but I always get back to him, 2 yrs. ago with a friend's help I left him for a little while, during this time he had an accident at work, he had surgery and everything,they call from the hospital and I went running to see him, I take him back to my apartment, I took care of him, my friend never talk to me again,because I was back with the bastard,she said..and I don't blame her,I am the sick one...when he fully recover, the beatings start again, he hit me with his hands or things that he had on hand,sometimes when I am in the kitchen he take the knife and said this is for you, without touching me,he has no guns, he has been in jail 2 times for domestic violence but I always got back to him...at that time he asked his mother to came to take care of him, I had to work and the beatings stopped for while his mother was here, so I decided to leave with my brother he lives up North He pay my tickets and I leave him..before I file for divorce in 2003 and my attorney told me that since he was involved in a work -accident related he had a claim pending and that I was entiled to one half of this money,so he put a proteccion order on this money.After a month living with my brother I was back with my abuser...when I called my lawyer to tell him the NEWS he was soo mad at me,he told me that I was sick, that the court day was arranged and that he was sure I was going to get my divorce with advantages, but I said no, I just want to called the things off, my husbad received the divorce papers while I was with my brother,and of course he found that about me claiming the half of his settlemen..he told me : if you come back I am going to therapy,and I believe him or I wanted to believe ..now I know his motives..he was too mad because I even consider asking for something..so my lawyer told me, ok. is your life,but you have to realize that you are making a big mistake here so let's put the divorce on hold and I leave the restriccion order in case things doesn't work out.I agree,well I come back and time went fast with the same things again the beatings,I was putting myself even lower this time because I knew nobody will help me now, is so hard to make somebody believe in you after all they do for you,and all I did in return was coming back to him, so the deadline come on the divorce,the file was striked..if I want to get a divorce I have ti file again, but the protection order on the half of this claim is still in place, my husband lawyer talk to him,and he told him that he needed to ask me to remove this order,and I didn't, so he left me and my childrens,he went to live with his friends,what's next is even worse, while he was living outside he started coming around for any excuse, he manipulated me with everything, money cutting off the services etc..so I let him came and I make dinner everyday for him, then he return to his house,but then he started spending the night, for more than 7 months I let him came,stayed and leave, he slept in my apartment everyday for the last 8 or 7 months,he used me for sex sometimes,when he nedded..I hit the bottom ...I am never going to know why I had let him do what he wants with my life,why I put myself in a situation that doesn't have anything for me, well in december 2004, he asked me if he could come back to live with me "formally" ( it is a shame that he consider our separation just because he had his belongings in another house) but he was practically everyday in my apartment eating and slepping everyday and he hide this from his attorney he told him that for 9 months he had nothing to do with me..he asked me if you remove the protection order on my claim, I'll get back to you..so I went to see a different attorney,and she told me that I neeeded serious help,strong help, that she talked to my last attorney and he told her that I was unstable,that I was sick,that my husband had suck my brain completely and that she shouldn't represented me because I was capable of change my mind at the last minute like I did to him, after all he did for me,so she told me so you wanted me to remove this order just to get this vicious bastard back in your life? I am suppose TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, TO ADVICE YOU,NOT TO DESTROY YOU...you need to get help, if he really wants to change, he shouldn't manipulate you with this,why is that you let him came into your house eat your food, USE your body and then let him come back to his house as nothing happened for all this time? I refuse to be your attorney, I am sorry, and I feel deep sorry for you.. so just to get him back I told him that I will look another way..so he's back..the very next day he hit me again because I wanted him to make love to me..he left my face purple...and my soul NUMB..days go by with the same routine...work, dinner,he don't talk to me at all, and he has told me that he may leave me again,because he cannot live with a woman that is selfish,and doesn't care about anything just her,that I love his money more than I love him,that I am just a pitty dog that moves his tale when I see him,and that he just feel sorry for me,that HE DOESN'T DESERVE A WOMAN LIKE THIS...so here I am, I don't want to ask for help again, because nobody will believe in me again...I feel like my head is a big cloud right now, tell me is there another way? at least trough this site,I can write what I am felling,but my situation is so pathetic, because I am asking God to make something happen so he can be out of my life, because I have nowhere to go,no one to talk,and I don't have the courage to confront him, he es like a slepping beast,waiting to strike again..I don't think I can resist another beating,so I just stay away as much as I can...hoping for a miracle before I do something to myself...he's so mad because of that restriction order on his claim,what should I do? please have mercy on me...somebody answer..i KNOW THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND,HELP ME UNDERSTAND....why I put my self dowm, over and over again? god bless...

February 24, 2005
4:49 pm
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Cici
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I copied this with paragraph breaks - easier to read....

__________________________________

Dear people that reply to my post, thank you...is such a big relief knowing that someone cares..

I am going to answer some questions that Worried Dad make me, I been married to this man since 20 yrs. ago I got pregnant when I was 18 yrs. old and we have 2 children 19 and 16. I am 37 I don't have any family here, I used to go to church but I am not coming anymore, I am an a deep depression, I found this site, looking in the internet..

I can't afford therapy, my husband is a man same my age, with a lot a frustations in his life, I don't think that he has any good thing that I can tell you,he used to beat me since I was pregnant with my daughter, and he wanted me to get an abortion with my second baby, he has cheated on me several times..but I always get back to him.

2 yrs. ago with a friend's help I left him for a little while, during this time he had an accident at work, he had surgery and everything,they called from the hospital and I went running to see him, I took him back to my apartment, I took care of him, my friend never talk to me again,because I was back with the bastard,she said..and I don't blame her,I am the sick one...

when he fully recovered, the beatings started again, he hit me with his hands or things that he had on hand,sometimes when I am in the kitchen he take the knife and said this is for you, without touching me

he has no guns, he has been in jail 2 times for domestic violence but I always got back to him...at that time he asked his mother to came to take care of him, I had to work and the beatings stopped for while his mother was here, so I decided to leave with my brother he lives up North

He pay my tickets and I leave him..before I file for divorce in 2003 and my attorney told me that since he was involved in a work -accident related he had a claim pending and that I was entiled to one half of this money,so he put a proteccion order on this money.

After a month living with my brother I was back with my abuser...when I called my lawyer to tell him the NEWS he was soo mad at me,he told me that I was sick, that the court day was arranged and that he was sure I was going to get my divorce with advantages, but I said no, I just want to called the things off

my husbad received the divorce papers while I was with my brother,and of course he found that about me claiming the half of his settlemen..he told me : if you come back I am going to therapy,and I believe him or I wanted to believe ..now I know his motives..he was too mad because I even consider asking for something..

so my lawyer told me, ok. is your life,but you have to realize that you are making a big mistake here so let's put the divorce on hold and I leave the restriccion order in case things doesn't work out.I agreed.

well I come back and time went fast with the same things again the beatings,I was putting myself even lower this time because I knew nobody will help me now, is so hard to make somebody believe in you after all they do for you,and all I did in return was coming back to him, so the deadline come on the divorce,the file was striked..

if I want to get a divorce I have ti file again, but the protection order on the half of this claim is still in place, my husband lawyer talk to him,and he told him that he needed to ask me to remove this order,and I didn't, so he left me and my childrens,he went to live with his friends.

what's next is even worse, while he was living outside he started coming around for any excuse, he manipulated me with everything, money cutting off the services etc..so I let him came and I make dinner everyday for him, then he return to his house,but then he started spending the night, for more than 7 months I let him came,stayed and leave, he slept in my apartment everyday for the last 8 or 7 months,he used me for sex sometimes,when he nedded..I hit the bottom ...

I am never going to know why I had let him do what he wants with my life,why I put myself in a situation that doesn't have anything for me, well in december 2004, he asked me if he could come back to live with me "formally" ( it is a shame that he consider our separation just because he had his belongings in another house) but he was practically everyday in my apartment eating and slepping everyday and he hide this from his attorney he told him that for 9 months he had nothing to do with me..

he asked me if you remove the protection order on my claim, I'll get back to you..so I went to see a different attorney,and she told me that I neeeded serious help,strong help, that she talked to my last attorney and he told her that I was unstable,that I was sick,that my husband had suck my brain completely and that she shouldn't represented me because I was capable of change my mind at the last minute like I did to him, after all he did for me.

so she told me so you wanted me to remove this order just to get this vicious bastard back in your life? I am suppose TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, TO ADVICE YOU,NOT TO DESTROY YOU...you need to get help, if he really wants to change, he shouldn't manipulate you with this,why is that you let him came into your house eat your food, USE your body and then let him come back to his house as nothing happened for all this time? I refuse to be your attorney, I am sorry, and I feel deep sorry for you..

so just to get him back I told him that I will look another way..so he's back..the very next day he hit me again because I wanted him to make love to me..he left my face purple...and my soul NUMB..days go by with the same routine...work, dinner,he don't talk to me at all, and he has told me that he may leave me again,because he cannot live with a woman that is selfish,and doesn't care about anything just her,that I love his money more than I love him,that I am just a pitty dog that moves his tale when I see him,and that he just feel sorry for me,that HE DOESN'T DESERVE A WOMAN LIKE THIS...

so here I am, I don't want to ask for help again, because nobody will believe in me again...I feel like my head is a big cloud right now, tell me is there another way? at least trough this site,I can write what I am felling,but my situation is so pathetic, because I am asking God to make something happen so he can be out of my life, because I have nowhere to go,no one to talk,and I don't have the courage to confront him, he es like a slepping beast,waiting to strike again..

I don't think I can resist another beating,so I just stay away as much as I can...hoping for a miracle before I do something to myself...he's so mad because of that restriction order on his claim,what should I do? please have mercy on me...somebody answer..i KNOW THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND,HELP ME UNDERSTAND....why I put my self dowm, over and over again? god bless...

February 24, 2005
4:51 pm
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Cici
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September 24, 2010
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Hun, none of us will ever understand why we stayed in abusive relationships. I was lucky, my abuser hurt a friend of mine, who insisted on pressing charges - now my ex is going to prison for 10 years.

But honestly I don't know that I would have done anything without my friend's legal action....

Number one, get a restraining order. No one will help you now? Well sista, help yourself. WE are here for you to give you moral support, but at this point that's all anyone can do. YOU need to take action for yourself.

My Dad told me recently - if you don't respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to respect you?

Think about that.

February 24, 2005
4:53 pm
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ineedtoloveme
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September 30, 2010
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HONEY-HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU!!
DON'T LEAVE FOR YOU-LEAVE FOR YOUR BABIES!
Right now you don't have eough love for yourself to leave-
Leave because I know you LOVE YOUR CHILDREN more than that monster you are married to!
I REPEAT HE IS GOING TO KILL YOU!
I love you and I care- I can identify with you-PLEASE keep me posted-

February 24, 2005
4:54 pm
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babybooboo
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You are not crazy nor sick. This is what happens to us when we love someone more than they love us. You loose yourself.
You have lost yourself. I can speak from experience. I was you.
Noone can help you but you. Only you can get tired for you. You can call the police, friends, family and for that day or week everything is ok as long as you are listening & living as the wont you too. but inside you are dying because this is the man you love. Then you go back. not just because you are confused & b/c you miss him, you go back to avoid drama most of the time. See if you've never been in the situation, it's easy to say to someone, just leave. But when a man knocks you down to your lowest. that's where you are at your lowest.. It's hard to think about starting over, Breaking ties. Even though you are not dumb, & you know what it is that you have to do. Only you can get tired of the beatings, Only you will get tired of being misused. Once you reclaim the person you know are & use to be, even before the marriage: You'll have no problem, picking up something and turning the tables on his ass. Once the fear is out of you, & you defend yourself, believe me his punk ass will realize. Trust me you will get tired of the bruises, you'll get tired of being sore all the time, you'll get tired you of his crap. Just start thinking of all things his done. Eventually you get mad enough & say enough is enough.
If you are that scared of him. I'd advise to run, and run fast. They are plenty of sheltars for abused women. The reason I say. Is we just burried a girlfriend, cuz her husband decides to jump on her, chase her outside shoot her infront of the kids, then go back inside & take his own life. this happend two weeks ago. They'd been fighting & having problems since Dec.
Think of your kids. They don't want you going through this. I don't want you going through this.
I've been there. was abuse for 7 years. Got alot of scars & bad memories.
Be Brave..

February 24, 2005
5:02 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Dying:

PLEASE LEAVE HIM NOW. They are right HE WILL KILL YOU! Do you kids live at home? I don't remember reading that. YOU, and if it has to be only you, then YOU leave and go to a woman's shelter. Go directly to the police station and they will help hook you up w/ who you need. BUT, YOU must be strong enough to get away and this time stay away no matter what.
I feel you are strong enough. I feel you have the drive and determination that it takes. All you have to do is bring it up and start walking and then running. You wrote here so you obviously still have a sane mind in that you are searching for help. I would have been DEAD had I stayed. Please do not become a statistic. RUN NOW while you can. DO NOT even tell your kids you are gonig or where. Just go. You can deal w/ them later. They are old enough to be taking care of themselves anyway.

PLEASE for yourself and your kids.

February 24, 2005
5:12 pm
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Anonymous
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I think it is hard to understand that people thirve and strive for someone to love them. he shows you attention, negative attention that in the end will most probably kill you or your children.

He doesn't care about you, he is broken and incapable of caring for anyone.

He is a monster to lay a hand on you, I think you should watch that movie enough.

What are you really afraid of? That you cannot make it on your own?

He has made these choices to hurt you, and you have made the choices to let him when you continue to stay with him you reinforce his behavior saying it is okay.

it is so easy to believe he is that way because he LOVES you so much, well this isn't love, it is control and power, you are his puppet that he will do whatever the hell he wants with.

Like CiCi said you need to help yourself now. We will be here to support you and give advice, and listen, but there is NOTHING we can do to make you leave and seek the help that you do need.

When you were a little girl is this how you pictured a marriage to be?

February 24, 2005
5:13 pm
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CAMER
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(((you are not crazy))) you are just addicted to this man, and need to get away from him. As Cici said,,,,,get a restraining order or go somewhere where you can be safe.

my prayers are with (((you)))

February 24, 2005
5:19 pm
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tracylyn
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Dying,

You found the strength to find this site and plead for help, do the same with resources in your area. The police, a shelter, even a hospital. Just walk in and tell them you are scared.

No one here knows if he'll kill you but you need to take care of yourself now, not because of what could happen but because of what has already happened.

This isn't because you love him more than he loves you. THIS IS BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF. You have to love yourself enough to protect yourself.

No matter how hard you try or how much you do for him his behavior will not change, you've seen that, he's proved that.

You need to leave and not look back. Don't give him the chance to talk you back into anything. Stop allowing this man back into your life. Whatever it takes, nothing is to much to take your life back.

February 24, 2005
5:30 pm
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CODA_Mom
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DI,

You took the first big step in reaching out for help...keep walking and don't stop or turn to look back until you're free. Being abused as a child, you might think that that's all there is to life, but there is so much more...think of your kids and the effects all of this is having on them. If you won't leave for yourself, do it for them to show them they don't have to live life in fear.

Thank you for coming back to post, I'm praying for your strength and safety.

CM

February 24, 2005
5:34 pm
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sewunique
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Respectfully, thanks Cici for reposting this.

February 24, 2005
5:48 pm
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sewunique
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You are in a situation that is abusive and right now it is hard for you to know which way to turn.

You have had so much going on, that you are confused, scared and your head feels like it is in a cloud. In short, right now it is hard for you to think clearly.

I can understand what that confusion is like. It is hard to know what to do. It is difficult to even make decisions as simple as doing the dishes first or make the bed.

I want to ask you if you are receiving any counseling or therapy? Someone who is available first hand to help you sort things out and to help you make a plan on how to deal with this and for you and yuor child's safety?

Have you ever or can you contact the Women's Domestic and Family Violence Center? Or any women's shelter? Or Crisis line?

You are in an abusive and dangerous situation. He is violent to you. He has injured you. It will continue and escalate.

You need to decide NOW if you are going to get help, then stick with your decision. You need to get that protection order again.

We are here to hear you out and provide support anytime. But we can all see this is not a good situation for you to be in. I think you realize that. I think you are looking for help to figure out how to get the strength to leave this situation. And I am glad you are here.

Please contact your women's shelter for guidance and help to get to a safe place!!!

Sew

February 25, 2005
4:06 pm
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babybooboo
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How are you doing today.. Been worried about you?

Try to do something nice for yourself over the weekend. Something that makes you feel good.

Go get your hair done, or nails, buy some new shoes, go to the Movies., or just take a bubble bath. Have some "self" time. at least 2 hours.

I recommend a new movie that just came out today. "Diary of a Mad Woman" I read the book & saw the play.
It will encourage you or at least get you to thinking. & that's where it starts, with our thinking.

I know everbody's says leave, leave, leave, now... & sometimes that's not what you want to hear, b/c you already know that's what you need/have to do. Just know I'm hear to listen to you. Being abused is not easy healing. I still flinch whenever someone is shewing a fly away or in my personal space. Its scary.. but there are alot of survivors out here. I'm proud to I'm one of them.

just pray for strenght. Except the things you can't change & change the things that you can. YOU CAN CHANGE THIS. I believe in you.

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