I know....I know this...I know how codpendent this is.

Its very difficult to overcome....yes, my friends here in Dublin are all telling me the same thing....look after you....what I have done is tried to manipulate again. The results I want are for him to acknowledge the truth...I know, I know I've been so stupid. Now I am in a bind. I keep on making these stupid mistakes...I tell the truth and am honest...I get nowhere, I lie and tell him what he wants to hear...I get nowhere.

I do feel better that at least now he's not feeling guilty, a part of me is trying to fool myself into believing that at least if he thinks I'm a big fat liar and is ignoring me, then thats better than him thinking I had a miscarriage and am in pain and is ignoring me.

At least now in my head, he is ignoring me for a good reason.

...that sounds really messed up right?

Why do I keep on getting myself into these situations....no matter which way I turn I mess up.

I messed up this relationship in the first place because I just could not get over the first miscarriage...why couldn't I be like normal women and just say "ok, that happened, now I'll just get on with my life" why did I dwell on it...why did I get so depressed over it...I know that if I had not got depressed he wouldn't have left.

I know its useless to try to blame...but why did I have these two miscarriages...why did that have to happen to me? yeh...now I am whining, sometimes I really really hate myself for having these miscarriages, I never believed that could happen to me, it has and it feels so so unfair. I know there are people out there who have gone through much worse. but why did it have to happen to me so early in the relationship (a little less than 2 years)

I really honestly sometimes believe that I am going crazy.

Look, the first miscarriage was pretty traumatic y'know...I dunno if there is a typical scenario when someone has a miscarriage, but I think my experience was fairly horrific, the 2nd one was more run of the mill, I was in a hospital, I didn't see much, the nurses and doctors sorted it all out y'know? I think if I had had a normal experience in the first one I would have been able to get over it better, I'm going to write a thread in lib-brew....I've never actually ever recounted the full story of both miscarriages to anyone...I need to vent, I need to get it out.