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Drastic measure...but the only way I can get closure...
November 16, 2005
9:16 am
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revelation
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OK...for those of you who don't know the story. I just recently suffered a 2nd miscarriage. At the time I was going thru an nasty break-up with my fiance.

He refuses to believe that its true and is convinced I am making it up to "get him back".

This behaviour would be completely out of character for me, in fact, if anything, I am the type of person that people say is "too honest" sometimes to the point of being tactless, "truth hurts" is my motto...I can't stand to decieve people even if the truth hurts them. I never in all our relationship given him any reason what so ever to mistrust me. We have had our problems, both of us had several personal obstacles to overcome while together and we got over most of them. Neither of us had a perfect childhood...as a result, I am codependent...he is well...extremely paranoid and suspicious. I realised this early on in our relationship and because I love him so much, I made a special effort to always be honest as possible and never try to deceive no matter what.

So, you must understand, his refusal to believe me has upset and hurt me terribly, especially as it is at this time I need some support. This weekend I collapsed at 5am in the morning, get out of bed to go to the loo (Thats means "bathroom" in Ireland) I went to the ER, and they did an ECG, turns out I have an irregular heartbeat, I spent the day getting tests, they are not sure what it is and I need to go and get more tests. I know what it is....its blo*dy stress....I am codependent...I HATE people to dislike me, the fact that he thinks I am this HORRIBLE LIAR is just detroying me...I can't deal with how I actually feel about the miscarriage, or with the grieving process because I am too busy trying to find ways to prove the truth with this guy. When I found out I was pregnant I immediately told him and showed him the test....I'm not sure what story he has made up in his head about that test to convince himself that it was faked.

So...basically I ended up in hospital from the miserable horrific panic-ridden stress I am feeling at having this guy not beleive me...I feel like someone who's been wrongly accused of a crime and is trying desperately to prove their innocence...this feeling, unless I do something about it will destroy me. I have even asked my sister who works at the hospital where I had the miscarriage, to sneak my records out so that I can show them to him, but she refuses...she says its considered hospital property and if she was caught she'd be canned so fast her head would spin.

So...this is what I'm going to do...drastic...but I really think it will give me closure. I'm going to write him a letter and tell him he was right...I was lying, I was so distraught after the break-up that I lied to get him back. I think that this will do to things.
1. It will stop him from hurting...as it must be just awful for him to have all these "what ifs" and maybe's in his head all the time.

2. It will give me closure...I won't be going around wondering how I can prove this to him anymore...I won't have to prove anything. It will give me a chance to grieve properly and get on with my life.

Please...thinking objectively about this...is this a good idea? What consequences do you think I will pay by doing this? (By the way there is no way we would be getting back together in the future as things stand now).

November 16, 2005
9:27 am
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msguud
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Ms. Revelation - NO NO NO NO you do not have to write him and admit you were wrong because that is what he wants to hear. You did not lie. You know in your head what is truth. Don't cave in and let him think he was right. Try to distance yourself from him for a while. To hell with him if he doesn't believe you about the miscarriage. What a horrible thing for you to go through, and alone to boot. He is a selfish, inconsiderate bastard (just like my ex) You know in your heart that you're right and honest. If he isn't, doesn't mean you have to stoop to his level and admit something that is not true. Don't you dare do it. You will hurt yourself more in the long run. You're an honest person, leave it at that. If he chooses not to believe you, then let him wonder about it the rest of his life if you told him the truth or not. Dirty jerk for treating you that way!

That's my view. You obviously don't have to take my advice, but I'm mad after reading that you want to jeopardize your own honesty. Don't do it, he's not worth it! You take care of you (like I'm trying to do) funny how we can tell others what to do, eh? Old codependence thing, but I take it more as support for each other, not telling you want to do necessarily (although it sounds like that). You take care of you. Who cares what he thinks.

November 16, 2005
9:31 am
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exbear
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I think he does believe you, in his heart. But his guilt about leaving you is keeping him from admitting it to himself that he isn't there to support you. He deparately wants to think of himself as a good guy in this, so he can't allow himself to admit that he is letting you down at such a sorrowful time in your life.
He really just wants to walk away, and keep on believing he is a good guy. But you and I know the truth about him. I don't think you need to write the letter to get closure. OK you can write it but don't mail it.
You need to take care of yourself for awhile to focus on YOU, and time will take care of him.

November 16, 2005
9:51 am
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addicts wife
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(((((Rev)))))))
Although I CERTAINLY understand and feel your torment and stress, Do you really realllly think going so far against your convictions and true self will bring you closure??I don't think that lying will make anything better for you, especially because you're not that kind of woman, person. I think it may end up making you feel much worse, and his reaction(s) may bery well cause even more of an uproar, and cause more invalid, accusations, harshness, and turmoil.

If you know that you are correct, and not all the things this irrational man has been accusing you of, try to take comfort in knowingthat you haven't ever lied, and you've tried. You did the best you could in being your warm, caring , honest self, and IF that's still not good enough... then sadly, that's just too bad for him... He is the one who has to deal with that, forever.
You , on the other hand have been trough an emmense amount of loss, greif, pain mentally and physically, and , you should be allowed to feel all that, sort it out, "own it" and try to heal and recover. I mena not only did you lose a relationship, you lost a child. Those are HUGe things. I think lying about it will make you feel like you've lost a bit of yourself, instead of what you need and that is to regain yourself, your integrity, your health, etc.Please don't let his issues make you not see how wonderful you are!!!
I think lying about it all in an attempt to get closure may end up mkingyou feel much worse. and IF he can't even see the truth and all that you've been through in the forst place... how could he ever comprehend a lie??

I'm not saying or suggestingthat you don't need closure, and all that, you do, we all do when something is over, you certainly are entitled to closure and the ability to get through this and move on.. but perhaps finding a way to do it differently is going to be healthier for you.

Did you plant a tree?? I think I remember you sayingthat you were going todo that in memorial for your lost child. Perhaps letting yourself mourn the loss of this relationship will give you closure??
Perhaps a letter stating how hard everything has been for you, especially the accusations of lying, lay it all out there and say goodbye.
make a list of all your needs, and try t osort out healthy ways of how to acheive that FOR YOU. If writing a letter is what you feel will truly help you, perhaps just writing it and then reading it aloud and burning it will give you the closure you need?? Not all letters need to be sent, I think the symbolism and the act of writing it all may be quite therapeutic.

Have you gone to miscarraige suport groups, therapy for your needs??
Im concerned for you, and sooo feel your pain and anger about this situation, Youve been through soooooo much, I just don't want you to put yourself in the position for more pain when you're trying to heal.

(((((((((((((Love, hugs, support4U!!!!)))))))))))))))))))
all my love,
Sincerely, aw

November 16, 2005
9:53 am
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revelation
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msguud...see I am trying to look at it from his point of view...and this is what he'd probably say to you...

"I was engaged to a girl, I loved her very much, but it didn't work out. We had broken up before at the start of the year and she had a miscarriage while we were broken up, it was very traumatic as she didn't even realise she was pregnant, so it was a double shock for both of us, we got back together and I tried my best to support her, but that along with several other misfortunes seemed to make her moody and insecure. We broke up again, as far as I'm concerned its for the best, in September, after a horrific August which was the month that the baby should have been born. I was told in October that she was 8 weeks pregnant, she showed me a test and said that she had an "early pregancy" scan booked. She told me I could not accompany her to that scan although I offered as her sister wanted to be there and her sister did not want to see me. I got a call from her sister on the day of the scan and I was told that the scan showed no heartbeat that the fetus had in effect seperated from the womb, I didn't fully understand this and grew suspicious, I understand that my ex-fiance was very upset over our break-up and as I have been given no proof to believe otherwise, I think that she made the whole thing up"

Y'know what, as I read that I realise how stupid it is....I suspect my older sister may have led him to believe its not true either...my older sister knows well it is true...but I think that she thinks by telling him I'm lying its a good way of preventing him from getting back in touch...oh jeez...I've just realised this could actually be true...my older sister is tricking him I think...what will I do???

November 16, 2005
9:59 am
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revelation
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This is all a huge mess....my older sister is a complete nightmare...a control freak, she sees her self as "the godfather" of the family and she'll blo*dy do anything to control us, I'm sick of it...she has in effect gotten under my ex-fiance's skin now and probably has him thinking all sorts about me, and thinking that she is "on his side" in all of this. I knew that she had been talking to him...but I didn't know about what. OK...I feel like I'm living in a nightmare of deception now, I have no idea whats been said...

November 16, 2005
10:20 am
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addicts wife
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((((((((Rev)))))))))
Good gravy woman... you've been through the ringer, eh????
Perhaps going on hiatus with no contact with your sis, you ex, and totally commitingyourself to self help, healing and recovery is in order. perhaps call a meeting with both of them, an intervention of YOUSELF, confronting both of then while in the same room?? I mena only of course if you won't end up feeling attacked doubly.
Your sister probably thinks she's hel;ping in a misguided, twisted way, and reallllly, he is none of her business. your health, well being ,and growth are your business and you can fight your own battles, have you ever told her this?? set boundaries with her??? perhaps stating your needs, expectaions and boundaries withher will get the ball rolling foryour recovery from this rollercoaster...
BUT take the time to sort this out before you just call her and let loose. I know when I am reeling mad from what someone has done, or potentially done I need to take a breath, a break and take the time to sit, think and figure out rational ways of approaching the situation.... like venting and letting all my anger, and disbelief out somewhere like HERE for example is quite helpful.
I am so sorry youre struggling so much.
You are in my thoughts, hun.... take a breather, and you can get through this... we are here for you!!!!

All my love and support,
Aw

November 16, 2005
10:35 am
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revelation
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Hi AW....thanks hon. I've tried setting bounderies before....it doesn't work, she's very aggressive and I am afraid of her aggression, the whole family is although nobodys admits it to themselves.

This is the woman who last week let loose at me while I was chaufering her and her kids around for the day....I asked her to say "please" and she let rip...here is what she said (Its imprinted on my brain)
"No wonder you can't hold on to a even a man, even a loser like ****, you are fat, you are ugly, your house is dirty, you are crap in the sack and you can't even carry his babies"

Yes...lovely person isn't she? Thing is, she's my sister, my mum hasn't spoke to her own sisters in years and its caused terrible problems, I don't want to repeat the pattern in this generation, so I try to keep my distance without actually breaking all contact.

November 16, 2005
10:47 am
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addicts wife
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that is the ugliest, most hurtful words Ive read/heard in like forever.
(((((((Rev)))))))
truly truly awful!!!!!!!
I think I'd change my phone number and move away like In a witness protection program. geeeeeez.
I certainly hope you dont believe ONE word of that nonsence!!!!
those were hatful evil words!!
And she said this in front of her own children?!?!?!?!!?!?
good greif!!!

I am sorry for your pain and dealing with such an abusive sibling.
(((((((Love and hugs)))))))
AW

November 16, 2005
10:50 am
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Anonymous
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My thought is that if you do this - you are turning your power over to him.

If you tell him you lied - then you will feed his belief that you are a liar. Yeah, it might keep him away, but it may not either - and if he doesn't stay away, he has something to hold over you when he feels like it.

Don't give him your power. You know the truth, your sister knows the truth, your "higher power" knows the truth...who CARES what he thinks?

I know you do - and i know that is why this is so hard.

But remember - he is probably feeling very guilty about this whole situation - and he is just in denial. And you would be enabling him to stay in denial - or comfirming it - by telling him a lie.

And you would be giving away your power by telling a lie - which goes against everything you believe in.

I can't tell you what to do - but I know I have done drastic things to make a boyfriend stay away and get him out of my heart - and I almost ended up in jail for it too....and I will have to live with the idea that I did something that was wrong, and know that his "accusations" and attempts to put me in jail were valid. This hurts me, and my soul. So, as I said, I can't tell you what to do, only share my experience.

AS FOR YOUR SISTER...if your sister is toxic, you have EVERY RIGHT to break ALL contact. You are NOT obligated to stay in touch - even from a distance. It is OKAY to break contact with someone that his toxic and harmful to you. And perhaps, maybe you need to break contact for only a short period of time - to rebuild your esteem and confidence, to find ways to cope with her better....but what she said to you was out of line, angry, hurtful and bitter - and I don't care if she is your sister and you are worried about how it looks - you need to protect yourself before you worry about protecting your family bond. Your own psyche is more important that family bond...your emotional health is more important than family bond...when you were a child - you were obligated to participate as part of the family. And it was your parent's job to protect you from pain. But now you are an adult - and it is your job to protect yourself from pain - even if it's your own sister causing it.

off my soapbox...lol.

November 16, 2005
10:51 am
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addicts wife
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... my mom has a sister similar t oyours, she has definatley cut waay down on contact withher ,and has said when she starts "I will Not be spoken to this way, are you done??" and if she persists, my mom says goodbye and hangs up... Of course she is upsaet for the rest of the day when this happens, but she doesnt call anymore to "check In" because it usually ends up in a verbal lashing.
LOL....that is only one of the reasons Im SUR why i am an only child!!!
(((hugs)))

November 16, 2005
11:36 am
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addicts wife
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(((ali))) you said everything I wanted to say, but wasnt as articulate and graceful.
(((hugs)))
Aw

November 16, 2005
11:48 am
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Oh Boy Rev,

I am going to say some things now that I know are going to sound insensitive and unsupportive... BUT, I feel I must say them in the spirit of healthy, assertive, HONEST communication... O.K. Please don't be angry with me when I am done. I am only telling you this because I love you, care about your health and well-being and want you to heal and move past this very dark time in your life.

Let me also say that it is very difficult to admit this because I have NEVER told anyone in my real life about it. It is my deepest,
DARKEST secret!!

I was madly in love with this man a few years back. He was everything to me and I thought that we were soul-mates who would be together forever. We broke up for several reasons (mainly geographical distances and family obligations), but I could NOT except any of them!!!!! He was as devastated over the breakup as I was, but he was realistic about it. He knew it couldn't work so he cut ties with me. Period! I, on the other hand was idealistic and thought we could magically find a way to make it work (you know, love conquers all and such). He made it clear that his heart was broken too, but it hurt him too much to be in contact with me and not be able to "be" with me again. I went 6 months (no exaguration) of calling, e-mailing, sending cards, letters, gifts, etc)... he'd call me back every couple of months (only to calm me down because after about 300 calls, I was quite distraught, irrate and out of control!). I took each callback as a bit of hope that we could make it work.... He did not. (which is why he never called me back because he did not want to give me false hope).

Well another few months went by and I stopped calling (ONLY because I had another PLAN...). I bought an airline ticket and booked myself into a Hotel near his home (800 miles away from where I live)... I just KNEW that if he saw me in person that he would remember how much he loved me and he would agree that we need to do whatever was necessary to have a future together. I did not speak to him at all, until I was in my hotel room. Then, I called and told him where I was.

Looking back now... that was completely INSANE!!! What a gamble I took!!! He could have decided not to see me while I was in town and I would have been completely humiliated and devastated!!! He didn't refuse to see me. In fact, we spent the entire weekend together (most of it, in bed). We had the best time together and AGAIN...I was filled with hope that something was "different" and that we could be together. The day I was flying home, I aksed him why we couldn't just have a "long distance" relationship and have weekends like we just had every few months... He said "NO... It is impossible. I cannot do it. I want to LIVE, not LONG for you everyday. We need to let this go now". Well... You'd think that would be closure for me? Nope...

I got home and called him a few days later. As usual, he did not return my call. I tried again several times over the next few weeks... still, nothing!!!! Soooooo, that's when I did the un-thinkable. I am completely ashamed of myself, but I called him and told him that I got pregnant over the weekend we spent together. I got what I wanted, a response...

Was it worth it? Absolutely not!!! I could not keep up the charade!! There was no baby! Eventually, he was going to know!! I was spiralling out of control!!! I had a history of miscarriages from when I was married, so after a few weeks, I told him that I lost the baby.

That was my rock bottom and because of my own self-loathing and shame, I was able to let him go completely. I NEVER, EVER wanted to stoop that low again in my life!

I too, am one of the most honest people on the face of the earth! I usually cannot lie about anything, but this was different. It was not a lie to me. I wanted it to be true so badly that I think somehow, I convinced myself that it was true. He was the only one that I EVER told about the "baby"... I can't imagine people knowing the absolute low I had sunk in a futile effort to get this man to take me back. It was sick. I was sick.

Rev, I am not saying that you lied. I am just saying that sometimes we can want something SO BADLY that we'll do absolutely anything to get it.

So, my advice to you would be that if you are COMPLETELY truthful in the fact that you were pregnant and miscarried his child then by all means, NO! No, No, No!!!!! Do NOT write him a letter telling him that you lied. That would only cause you more pain and I have a feeling that in a few months, you'll want to go back to him AGAIN and say that you lied about lying... then what is the man to believe????? You will have made him completely justified in his position of not being able to trust anything that you say.

One more thing... I read something that you wrote over on Lib Brew on a prayer thread. You had just finished a 9 day Novena and explained what it had taught you... These are your words "no matter what, I must not resort to lying, playing games and being selfish...."

I don't mean to throw your own words in your face, it just made me wonder what lies and games you were referring to. I know that things seem very clear at times of deep prayer and reflection. I could have interpreted those words wrong and if I did, please forgive me, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Please don't be angry with me Rev. I am not accusing you of anything. I'm just saying that it is something that I have done in my life. I am not proud of it (actually there isn't a word strong enough to describe the SHAME I feel over it)... and if it had been true (that I had indeed, been pregnant)... I would NEVER let anyone make me deny that to ease THEIR guilt. It is not about THEM.

I could be totally projecting my own feelings on to you right now... and if I am, please accept my sincerest apologies. You have been through so much that I would never want to add to your grief.

You are a wonderful person... regardless of what this man thinks of you. Please take your power back from him!!! You do not need his acceptance. O.K.?

Much love and support,

TC

November 16, 2005
12:22 pm
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Rev- You said yourself you are codependant and by design we constantly are trying to figure out what the other person is thinking and what they want and how they feel. What are you thinking, what do you want how do you feel. Think about you, you were the one that was rejected, you were the one that miscarried, you are the one that has suffered all of this pain and HE was the one that caused much of it. Dont put his mind at ease, don't comfort him, don't give anymore to him. Honey, take care of yourself, focus all of that energy in to healing yourself.
As far as the stuff with your sister, she sounds like a horrible witch and there is no reason to fear her. She acts the way she does b/c everyone allows it, she is a bully and I know you love her but you have to love you more and take care of your needs and demand the respect you deserve. I hope you dont write that letter to him, he doesn't deserve the peace of mind you want to give him and it doesn't matter if he believes you or not, you were there and you know you have the truth on your side, its too important to give up! Take care! ((((HUGS)))) Gayle

November 16, 2005
1:34 pm
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Dear Rev - get rid of that stupid sister of yours. I too had a controlling older sister, who ousted herself out of the family after driving us all mad. Even my counsellor said what she did to me was "unforgivable" and for a counsellor to say that, that was pretty bad. Me and my remaining two sisters and my mother have not spoken to her for seven years and her and her family moved away. Painful? You bet it is. Our family was always very very close, but she chose it with her big mouth and told us all to F-off, so we did. We have peace in the family now. Don't let her treat you badly or say bad things to you and try not to believe it.

I'm working through all the negative messages i got all my life to turn that around and make myself positive for once. I hope you can do that too. Don't let your sister talk to you like that. You don't deserve it. I hope you have someone to support you while you're going through the breakup, the loss of your child and your stupid sister's crap. Do you have support? WEll, you have us anyway. Take care of you (and I'm trying at the same time to do the same). Keep talking to us.

November 16, 2005
2:06 pm
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Revelation, Please i really hope you haven't written that letter and lied yet. You should NOT do that. Again, the codependent in us probably would say yes, but please don't. You need to not be so concerned w/ what he thinks, and put yourself first. It is now taking its toll on your health and that is not good at all. I have had heart murmurs my whole life and thank god to this day they cannot hear it anymore. This is very serious and you need to be very careful. Stop and think, would he do the same for you if the situation were reversed. (hypothetically speaking). I really hope you can just find it in your heart to just let it go. You know the truth and that's all that matters. I do think he believes you but maybe has a guilty conscience about something. Maybe he feels bad about accusing you of lying. Who knows. All i know is you must take care of yourself because nobody else will. Please keep updates and good luck. 🙂

November 16, 2005
2:55 pm
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Revs--

Plain and simple--you cannot force closure--ESPECIALLY by not being honest with him, with yourself. The truth is what it is. You are not responsible for making him believe it.

You said yourself, "truth hurts". Sometimes the truth doesn't hurt the other person, it hurts us.

You are going through a great deal of emotional pain right now, Revs. I feel for you, I really do. I have been there and still am on certain days.

But the only way to grieve a loss is to go through it. We cannot twist it into something that it is not, we cannot run from it, we cannot put it on a schedule. We must live through it to heal properly.

With love to you...2b

November 16, 2005
4:59 pm
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baybe
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I too just lost a baby. I too have not had the support of the baby's father. But please please do not lie to your ex to make him feel better. Its not about how HE feels. Its about what YOU feel. Its about YOUR loss. By him telling you that you are lying, its his way of making your pain HIS pain. And by lying to him, your proving him right. You are the one who has suffered the loss. Men do not understand. I don't think they can feel the bond with the baby until its actually born, and they see that its a real live person. Please don't tell him that you have lied, you'll only regret it down the road. Be true to yourself. Don't change who you truly are to please someone who is too selfish to care about what you are going through, and be there to support you. Oh, I know exactly what your going through. You still love him, and even though you think it's over, how can you go back to him when he hasn't been there for you, you still have hope that things will work out. Thats exactly what I'm going through now. That and the guilt. If only I had....I should have.... I have also been torn with my anger towards my ex, and the grief I feel over the loss. I'm still looking for somthing other than time to stop the hurting. But please don't put your ex's feeling before your own. Be true to yourself, and remember, if the only way he can accept whats happened is to accuse you of lying, then that says alot about who he truly is.

As for your sister, you need to ask your self why she would try and hurt you even more than you're already hurting. I know that you don't want to cut ties with her, but sometimes thats the only option. Unless you want to continue to be her punching bag. But, having said that, I don't have a lot of experience with sisters as I am an only child myself.

I wish you luck in your healing. My heart goes out to you.

November 16, 2005
7:09 pm
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rev, no don't lie.

At this point in time, what he beleives about you may not even be what he beleives. Sounds like he can't tell the truth, so please do not play his game. I know htis hurts but wait until you feel better. YOu are upset , mournful and need to allow yourself healing time to get thorughall of this. He sounds horrid. He should be there for you.

Don't compormise yourself.

November 17, 2005
5:35 am
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revelation
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Hi!

TC...no, no way I'm not angry with you at all. I understand where you are coming from, you see I've looked at it from his point of view...and I can see how it might look to him...if he chose to see it that way, except for the fact that my younger sister called him from the hospital straight after, I showed him tests, I showed him my appointment card from the hostpital...none of it was proof enough...so I have no 100% physical proof that this happened, if I didn't have the miscarriage, then by now I would have proof...a bump...but I don't have that...so do you understand the situation? I read your story, I know what you did was an act of desperation...it would probably cross my mind, but I probably would not go ahead with something like that, simply because I knew he could contact my family at any time to find out the truth. So, no I really truly wasn't lying, I wish to good god in heaven that I was.
My baby sister has been very supportive, too supportive for a single 25 year old who should be out enjoying herself rather than stuck inside helping me to cope.
About my mail on lib...lying playing games, yes, I have done that, both when we were a couple and straight after, telling him I was going to tell this friend that about him and that friend this about him...that sort of thing...thats what I meant by lying and playing games.

My older sister, well, there are two possibilities of what she did to keep him away

1. She called after we spoke and told him I didn't have the miscarriage and was a lying psycho-path

or

2. She called and said, yeh you b*stard she had the miscarriage, no keep away or I'll get you "sorted out"

each scenario is equally possible with my sister and the only person who will tell me the truth is him...but he refuses to see me.

So....to you all...I sent the letter, I really don't know how I got it down on paper, I felt sick lying like that.

However....and maybe this is codependent behaviour at full force. I feel good about myself today because I have done what I feel to be a huge act of kindness towards him. I have in a way cut him loose, at least now he is not walking around feeling guilty and wondering "what if".

November 17, 2005
7:59 am
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revelation
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Sh*t....that was a big mistake wasn't it?

November 17, 2005
8:56 am
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2bstrong
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Revs---

Why are you worrying about how he feels? You cannot control his feelings. You are only responsible for your own feelings. That is what matters. The fact that you lied in the letter is a true sign of codependent behavior. It is manipulating the situation to get the results that you want.

November 17, 2005
9:15 am
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Anonymous
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You wrote -

"I have in a way cut him loose, at least now he is not walking around feeling guilty and wondering "what if"."

what about your feelings?

you lost a baby - and he treated you like crap - has HE done ANYTHING to rectify that or address YOUR pain?

No, he hasn't.

Yet, you feel guilty for him being in pain over this situation and you did something that totally goes against your nature, so make HIM FEEL BETTER......

Yes, this is codependent nature at full force - you just rescued him. And in truth - YOU were the one needing rescuing.

November 17, 2005
9:53 am
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Rev,

I wish you had taken a step back and let the dust settle a bit before taking any further action...

I'm not sure if you've saved copies of all the letters that you've sent him in the past few months, but if you have; I'd suggest you take them out and read them consecutively. Has your attitude been consistent or has it shifted drastically based on what reaction you were trying to invoke in him?

You were ADAMANT with him that you are (and always have been) completely honest with him at all times, yes? You were sooooo upset that he didn't believe you. He was firm in his belief that you were a "liar"... so instead of staying true to yourself, you have proved him right? You have now become the liar that he has accused you of being. You have allowed him to turn you into the person you despised him for thinking you were!? Why Rev????

You have admitted that he is not worthy of you... Why would you compromise your values for someone who you called a "loser"?

Oh, I feel so badly for you Revs!!! I don't feel this is over by a long shot. I don't think you'll be able to live with this lie. So, what is the alternative? It's telling him that you lied to him about lying to him!!! What is he to believe then??

I believe with every fiber of my being that you NEED to STOP now! Don't say another word to him until you are in a more stable emotional state. Right now, you are being motivated by grief, rejection, desperation and the co-dependent need to be "accepted". Please KNOW that it does not matter what he thinks!!!!! It doesn't matter what your older sister thinks!!! Be true to yourself... TO YOURSELF!! I would not do one more thing to try and get a reaction from him! It is not worth it and you are twisting yourself into a pretzel to try and get him to acknowledge you!!!

What's done is done Revs, but it is time now to stop the bleeding!!!!!!! Please stop the bleeding Rev!!!

(((((TC))))))

November 17, 2005
10:02 am
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chickyfighter
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Revelation,
I am so sorry about the miscarriage, and about the father treating you like he is.

Was he planning on being there for the baby when you told him?

Honey, I can relate in some ways and I know you'll do what you feel is best now for you and by all means you are not wrong for choosing to do whatever you decide.

I just wish you'd rethink the choice you make.

We tend to make bigger mistakes out of fear, out of being so emotional and I guess maybe if you can replay this situation forward maybe it'll help.
See the ending of your story, where you want it to be, and if there are any glitches that could result in a negative light change them before they happen.

Lying never gets you anywhere especially when it comes to telling him what happened.

He can choose to believe it or not and it's not your job to make him believe anything.

You know what the truth is and you have verbalized it and even if you had lied in the past you are making the effort to keep this real and when you do the right things it brings you peace.

You will not bring peace by lying even if it brings him peace, it is not about him.

Rev, this is b/t you, your pain, your reality, and God.

That guy will be there many yrs from now and will regret all he has done, but as much as we wish that tomorrow was today it cannot be.

Give him a chance to grow up, and don't enable more self inflicting pain.

Let go and let God, and know we are here to support you any way.

I am sorry for the pain you are carrying, I know it's alot, I'm sorry!
(((hugs))))

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