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drama Im trying to get out of...
February 7, 2004
5:42 am
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wemi
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Hi there, there have been some really big changes in my life in the past few years and knowing that Im codependent, I still made bad choices. I need help getting out. Thanks for reading.

So heres what happened. A few years ago, I came to college with my best friend/boyfriend, a very codependent boyfriend of six years. I put the slash in there because we were never firm on the status of our relationship for many reasons so when others asked us what we were, we always said just friends, really good friends. We made "agreements" however, about if we wanted to date someone else, how we would tell the other first etc....typical relationship stuff but without the title. Well, despite our wonderful friendship, he cheated on me many more times than I care to share, and am still finding out about more...even from my close friends. You see he joined a fraternity, something I never thought he would do, and that in itself has special "circumstances." Because as we all know or hear about on TV, fraternity boys are easy. Well, he continued on his fraternity path and I was supportive to some extent but questioned him patiently about his life decision to join the fraternity and the personal responsibility he has to my reputation and his own. At this time, he became good friends with his " brother" and because I thought I was beign supportive, I became friends with him too.

To make a long story short, some stuff happened to their fraternity and they all had to move out of their house at the last minute, four of us ended up living together. Me, my female roomate, my bf, and his good friend. It was a lot of fun. While working on a ten week research project in the desert, I found out that my 'bf' had cheated on me three times over the course of ten weeks....we were definately going to split up, and we did just not the way I wanted it to happen. When I returned from the desert, I realized that I missed my other male roomate, my bf friend, more than I missed my bf. Not becuase of the cheating because I didnt find out about that yet, but because he really took time to pay attention to me and see what Im interested in and appreciate me for just being me and having lots of fun with me in the meantime. He is a little younger than me, by two years and really inexperienced with the emotional sides of women. So we learned a lot from each other, because I was really unaware of how much men think about, need, and look for sex. (Not all, this is just a generalizations, based on what my friend said.)

Well, one day after coming home from celebrating one of my fellow researchers birthdays, my friend and I were at the apt alone, not something strange, and my so called bf found us on the couch holding each other. We were both dressed in pajamas and had separate blankets, but we were on the couch together asleep. Neither of us were intoxicated beyond assuming personal responsibility for that. We just, fell asleep that way, or so it seems.

Anyway, my bf and his family, that absolutely adored me, especially his parents....had some infidelity in their marriage. My bf was witness to this as a small child and is very traumatized still. His relationship with his mother is not very nurturing or open, he communicates only with his father. This is why his family loved me so much, because, he was able to open up to a female, but in the process we both became codependent and I know that I loved feeling needed by him and his family...it was charity work. Thats why in dealing with what me and the friend had done was so triply, quadruply wrong for him.

So here I am, he caught us, and at that point my relationship with our other roomate WAS nothing....but did develop into something. We became incredibly attracted to each other and we avoided our whole circle of friends, and when we were in the same room with other people, we acted as if it was just us two, laughing and having fun. Its been a year and a half since all of this, and now I am still dating this friend of my ex, we have become the black sheep in our circle of friends, which we are barely a part of anymore. Many of his fraternity brothers dislike me very much because I created drama within their fraternity...although I forgot to mention that many of these men did not even know the status of my relationship with my bf and it was not until after all this that they knew something was going on....before this, Im assuming they thought I was just another one of his girls, but more long term. I dont know, its all so stupid.

So the new guy, he is great, we have fun, we are more alone than ever because I dont have those same friends and although I have new ones, I do not open up to them, becuase Im afraid they will see what a horrible person I have become, or am and I've just found out that this new guy cheated with someone very close to me. I know, what goes around comes around, but the scary part is that, I know about the cheating and Im still here. I want to get out, but at this point, he is the only thing even remotely close to me. He is the only person that is genuinely interested in what Im doing, partly because he wants to do the same things. I need a way out and I dont know where to start.

As I am writing this, he is at a party, for the second week in a row, he has accidently stumbled upon a female friends party...when usually he is spending the night at my place the rest of the nights. So conveniently on the nights he isnt here, he always finds something accidently to do.

Im jealous and am controlling with him although I try to hide it so that I dont scare him away but I know its unhealthy and Im scared because I dont want to be alone and Im starting to notice this pattern in my relationships. Im 26, it kind of goes against my culture to be this old, unmarried and without kids. any suggestions?

February 7, 2004
11:21 am
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gingerleigh
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Ah, college life. Fraternities, parties, sowing your wild outs... highly overrated in my opinion. How much longer do you have there?

In the mean time, you sounds like a smart cookie, can you work on developing your other talents and interests into new arenas that might get you interfacing with people wh are different than the frat crowd? I know it hurts to lose friends, but from your description, it sounds like the circle you've been cut from is a group of party boys and girls who are out looking for a good time. Nothing inherently wrong in that, except it seems like you want something different. You know that they won't change... perhaps it's just time for you to look for people who are already on the same sheet of music you are.

February 7, 2004
2:14 pm
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wemi
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thanks gingerleigh,

yeah i think you are right about sowing wild oats, and honestly Im not sure Im done. I still want to date but I know I need a lot of time to myself to reevaluate and find myself because I know right now Im selfish and more often than I'd like to admit, the world and everyones problems revolve around me. I know, Im working on that.

I guess what Im asking for is advice on how to end this relationship while keeping my sanity, The problem is that I have two classes with this guy, both are labs, and we are lab partners, then we both applied to the same graduate program, and yes its at the same school where we are as undergrads. Im afraid, if I dont get out of this now, Im gonna lose years of my life in this draining relationship.

I do have other friends and people I associate with but its hard for me to let them get to know me very well, mostly because Im ashamed of these things I did and the relationship topic always comes up. In the meantime, Im pretty involved and doing lots of community work that help me feel better about myself, its just that its hard to move on while dragging all of this extra baggage. How do I let go, I need the words, or a sample scenario..and I know Im definately gonna have to practice!

In the meantime, I spoke with him this morning and told him that I would like him to spend more nights at his apartment because it hurts me too much when he is away one night and whether its a coincidence or not, finds some party to hang out at without me...which I feel again negates our relationship or lack thereof.

And as far as that acircle of friends was concerned, they werent much of a party crowd, just a good group of friends that liked to go out together, not necessarily to the frat parties. I was never truly part of their group anyway so I guess it just hurts that people have issues with me, its kind of a new thing for me.

February 8, 2004
4:03 pm
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gingerleigh
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I've heard it's better to go to grad school to a school different than where you do undergrad. Just gives you a broader perspective. Is it too late to apply to other programs too?

Can you switch lab partners? If not, well, both of you want to do well, so you're a little stuck and you'll just have to stick it out for the semester, get through it. It's only temporary. Who knows, it might drive you to work harder, to not let him see any chinks in your armor.

As for words to use, what about "I don't want to date you any more. I care about you, but at this point in my life, I don't want this relationship." You don't have to worry about explaining yourself. You aren't married to the guy, right? You're not giving him the old "It's not you it's me" crap. You are just stating the truth... you don't want to be in the relationship any longer. Why do you think this simple and direct approach would not work? Want to talk through it?

February 9, 2004
5:55 pm
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wemi
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yes, thanks. I think that maybe saying things that directly are scary for me because Im ambiguous to myself about how I feel about this guy. I care a lot about him and he has been a great friend but I know this is not a healthy relationship because of the way it began and by how unwilling we both are to just dive into it.

My social network needs work, Im cleaning up my mess I guess and I've apologized to all of the people that I've needed to so things are ok there. And by the way, good suggestion about going to a different grad school, but this one has the best program and I dont think I could afford to relocate if I wanted to anyway. And excellent suggestion about working harder in those classes.

Thanks gingerleigh, I think that as soon as my social network is strengthened a little I might have more guts to just cut him off or at least just become platonic friends. Do you think platonic friends will work here after this rollercoaster?

February 9, 2004
7:23 pm
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gingerleigh
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Not knowing either of you, I couldn't say for sure... but I know that for me it has never worked well. It didn't matter who initiated the breakup, whether it was me or the other person, it was just so much easier to break off the friendship as well. Too tempting for one or both to keep holding on in some part of our hearts.

February 9, 2004
7:27 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Wemi,

I have to agree with Ginger for all the same reasons. I really think I would look to move to a different school once you are at that point. Not just because of this, but to gain a better and broader insight.

This guy? Who needs him. Let him have his fun with his party girls... you keep yourself healthy and safe. You will meet new people, and this too will pass.

Hi Ginger...

Love,

Zinnie

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