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drama, drama, drama
April 15, 2005
11:26 am
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jastypes
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prayers appreciated. I'm at work. I just got a call from my husband telling me that my son's 16 year old g/f is moving out of our house because my youngest daughter told her she is the cause of all our family problems. Of course she is not the cause of all our problems, but her presence in our home definitely adds to the stress. I do want her to move out. I'm uncomfortable with a 16 y/o sharing my son's bed everynight; I'm uncomfortable with the way they talk about wanting a child; I'm disturbed by the fact that she is not in school; I'm disturbed with the fact that they are both emotionally unstable with histories of abuse, depression and cutting; I am bothered by the way they fight; I'm disturbed by the abuse patterns I see emerging in my son; I'm wary of being manipulated; I'm concerned with the fact that her guardian (grandmother) hasn't talked to me since she moved in; I hate it when they threaten to harm themselves during an argument; I feel worried about the message their relationship sends to my two young daughters; and God help me, I am jealous of her relationship with my son and how Greg no longer talks to me and doesn't seem to need me. But I'm afraid that if she leaves there will be a huge scene. I'm afraid Greg will blame me and hate me. I'm afraid Greg will cut himself or have another suicide attempt. But I also think this may give the two of them space that people their age should have. It may actually help build their relationship and make it healthier. Do you get how conflicted I am? And I don't want to hurt her. She's been hurt enough in life. So I'm operating on fear and guilt. Not good. Someone want to talk some sense into me before I have to go home at 5:00?

jill

April 15, 2005
11:31 am
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jastypes
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Oops. what I meant to say is that my daughter told Janet that I said she is the cause of all our problems. Oh, and Janet told my husband that she and my son think I've been come too protective of my son since I found out he was sexually abused, cutting, depressed and had a suicide attempt? Excuse me. I'm too protective because I put him into therapy, got him evaluated for an alternative school and don't want him living with his girlfriend?

April 15, 2005
11:48 am
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jamaicanwife
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Hey, I'm probably the wrong person to offer advice, but after trying to quietly resolve a situation with my sister, her daughters and my son, and still having it blow up big time during a holiday weekend, I am slowly coming around to the idea that maybe we should all just speak our minds. Try not to be hurtful, but if the truth hurts, so be it. I understand your additional burden because of these young people who have already shown that they will hurt themselves when they can't cope, but does this mean that you can't express your feelings, that you no longer have the rights of a bill paying adult in your own house? I say call her grandmother, don't try to pretend that you don't feel this way, and just speak your mind.

I am an editor and former teacher, and CODAmom, and lots of other people on this board might disagree with me.

April 15, 2005
11:49 am
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TheListener
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16 years old and practically living a married life? YEAH YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE UPSET! I wasn't even allowed in a room alone with a boy when I was 16, far less sharing a room with one...not even my stepbrother.

Ok, is his room the ONLY place that she can stay in the house? Maybe find a way where she can stay and be welcomed and NOT share a room with him. Also, it's got to be really hard for him to focus on his problems and get help when he's so tied down. He should be thinking about how to fix himself and his problems instead of how to raise a child.

I don't know the whole situation, or why she's having to live with you, but I severely admire your strength of taking on another CHILD and having to help raise another one. I do think that, since she is living with you, you have every right and responcibility to have them BOTH to do what is right and what 16 year old CHILDREN should do.

#1 - She needs to be in school, or be in some sort of schooling.

#2 - Her and your son should have more respect for you, for themselves, and for the family and not "Share" a bed with each other. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions, or upset you, but if they're sharing a bed every night and are talking about children...well what they are probably doing under your roof in YOUR house is wrong and so disrespectful.

#3 - when my mom stepped in when I attempted suicide, I hated her so much for taking over my life. And I'm sure that hurt her more than it hurt me, but I'm so glad she did. Obviously I (and your son) cannot handle the stress and the pain on his own, and NEEDS help. He may not like the help, but it keeps him from making mistakes again. (In my house, I HATED THIS! but I had to keep my door open at all times (they eventually took it off the hinges.) I was not allowed to just sit in my room by myself, leaving me to thoughts I shouldn't be having and giving me time to do it without anyone knowing. My mom took all "sharps" from my room and knew exactly where I was at any time of day. And if she didn't think it was a good idea for me to go somewhere, I didn't go)

I feel so bad for how I treated my mom, but I really do owe her my life. Your job as a parent is not an easy one, but you have every right to take control, and more control than you have been so far it seems.

April 15, 2005
12:05 pm
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jastypes
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Listener,

Great words. I'm printing them out, carrying them with me today and referring to them often.

April 15, 2005
12:16 pm
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TheListener
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Keep reminding yourself: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Anything that happens, or has happened is not your fault! and to keep it that way, do what your gut, your mother intuition, tells you to do. Pray often, and don't allow others to force you into anything. You have a right, and an obligation, to protect your child and no one can take that away from you.

Also, let us know how it turns out and keep talking about it, when you start to faulter, look back and remember what it was that made you make your decisions.

April 15, 2005
12:17 pm
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jastypes
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I just hate all his high drama. Guilt and fear are not good emotions to take action from.. and either is resentment.. a big one I deal with. I don't want to REACT to this situation. I want to be more PROACTIVE. What emotions am I looking to move from? Peace? Serenity? Rationality? A sense of reality? Power? I need to be the calm in the storm that I know is going to hit my house this afternoon. I have to "let go and let God." Isn't that what they say in Al-Anon? It's so hard trying to work, pray and get advice all at the same time. LOL. I hope I can keep my sense of humor through all of this.

April 15, 2005
12:27 pm
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TheListener
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Allow time for yourself. Maybe before you go home you can stop and get a pedicure/manicure or something relaxing, something just for YOU. It looks like it's going to be a hard week for you (It always gets worse before it gets better 🙁 ) but maybe schedule a massage for next week?

Also, are they christian? maybe use this time to encourage them to raise their faith?

April 15, 2005
12:36 pm
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TheListener
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I wish you luck and I'll pray for you, but I gotta head to my next class.

GOOD LUCK!

April 15, 2005
12:53 pm
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CODA_Mom
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jamaicanwife,

Though I can't seem to recall telling you that you should just take what your sister throws at you without letting her know how she's hurt you, I do apologize if I in any way gave that impression. That was not the message I was trying to impart at all. I am all for keeping our dignity in tact while letting the message speak for itself. Once we become like those who abuse us, then we've given them back the control they've long sought.

Sorry to learn that you had a miserable holiday weekend with your sister and mom, you're dealing with a tough, tough situation.

Regards,
CM

CM

April 15, 2005
1:05 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Codamom, I just meant that my advice abou speaking one's mind might not be what a counsellor or social worker or another professional in that field would suggest.

April 15, 2005
1:30 pm
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CODA_Mom
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jw,

I'm sorry I did not ask you sooner how things went. Things have been so hectic around here and I have not been checking in as much. I know this is jastype's thread, but can you tell me what actually happened?

CM

April 15, 2005
2:37 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Nothing new, I was just referring to the same incident that occurred 3 weeks ago - I didn't assume that jastypes had read my thread. Just a quick update, I haven't discussed the incident with my sister yet, but we have been civil to each other on the few occasions that we have spoken.

Sorry for the confusion, and sorry for hijacking your thread, jastypes.

April 21, 2005
2:32 pm
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TheListener
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jastypes....

so how is everything going? You may have already updated on another post, I dunno, but I just wanted to check on how you were doing and see how the situation with your son and his girlfriend are going.

April 22, 2005
9:10 am
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jastypes
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Listener,
Thanks for asking. When I went home that day not one word was said to me, and Janet was still living in the house. I printed out some of what I wrote here and shared it with her and my son. It was good to talk about it. We decided that Janet could continue to stay with us until she goes back to school so long as 1) she was doing what she needs to do to get into school -- keeping appointments, etc.; and 2) My son started taking his medications as prescribed. He's on anti-depressants, and he is an insulin-dependent diabetic. When his he doesn't take his medications, the drama really starts. I explained to them both how I really feel, and we decided to check in with each other once a week rather than letting feelings fester.

April 22, 2005
3:12 pm
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TheListener
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that's awesome. I'm really glad ya'll talked it out. I hope things get better and I hope it all works out for everyone.

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