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Down - anyone else around?
October 10, 2006
3:16 pm
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jastypes
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I think it's important to figure out what's your problem, and what's his. That's why it felt so good when I learned to say that, "Not my problem." He's abusive -- that's his problem that is crossing your boundary and becomming your problem. BUT if you can learn to set up a boundary and keep it, then his abuse remains HIS problem and not yours, because you find ways to deal with it -- walk away; leave the house; go to a friend; lock yourself in a room; call the police -- whatever it takes. I had to seriously learn to remove myself from his presence when he was being mean and insulting. And do you know what? This is so funny. Now when he knows he's starting to get nasty, HE leaves the house. He goes into the backyard and paces. Then he comes back when he's calmer.

If you keep doing things the same way, nothing will change. And I don't think you can reasonably expect him to change just out of the blue, because his life isn't uncomfortable - yours is. So, if you want things to change, you're gonna have to change them. I love that in Al-Anon -- God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN; and the wisdom to know the difference.

October 10, 2006
3:21 pm
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armyleo
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Jas - you said "And I don't think you can reasonably expect him to change just out of the blue, because his life isn't uncomfortable"

No I want him to be happy then, things run better here.

I think everyone on this board is stronger with more courage, I'm pathetically weak. He tells me so, says I couldn't make it on my own.

Jas - weren't you scared he would beat you?

October 10, 2006
3:22 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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army,

you may not want to think about childhood - keeping that closet door closed and locked.

but really - there is a quote "childrent learn what they live".

you are "trained" what's right and wrong by your parents....so if you were abused, then you will find someone else to abuse you when you get older - cuz it's all you know.

that doesn't make YOU the problem.

it makes what happened to you the problem.

October 10, 2006
3:22 pm
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armyleo
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I'm only going to having 1 drink, just enough to calm me down,

October 10, 2006
3:39 pm
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kasie919
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Army i posted to you on my thread but i will post here as well,

Please dont beat yourself up like this, IM crying right along with you today, ive been so stupid lately..

You know I know how it feels to have your husband tell you how bad you are and how awefull i am..

I say im sorry to people when its not even my fault that something happened..

I know about the money issues ,my husband did the same kind of thing, then blamed it all on me, and i too would wonder what night would bring me knowing, he would be pissed the lights got turned off..

Im really sorry Army, I wish i could be more support for you right now,, but im feeling like id rather be gone than put up with any more..

I will try to catch up later,

I will pray for you..

Kasie

October 10, 2006
3:42 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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army,

I hardly feel adequate to respond to your situation right now. I won't give you crap about drinking either. I will tell you just to be careful. It won't make the problem go away, it just creates more. I would give anything for pot right about now, but I know that isn't the answer either. I haven't touched the stuff in nine years, I should keep it that way. I have drank to just buy me some time, and settle me down some too. Sometimes we just need to cope, and that is how we choose to do it. I care about you, and your story breaks my heart. I responded to you right away, and told you to leave, get out, go to a hospital, all of that. I am still not saying that I don't think that is the answer because I do. But, my situation is very different is many ways, but it has finally occured to me as well, that I am living in a very abusive marriage, that even my children are being abused. I believe that we started seeking help in the right place..Here. But, on the same token, our cyber friends can only help so much. They can't hold us and tell us that it is ok, that we didn't ask for what we got, or anything that we NEED in a physical realm. You will get all the encouragement around here that you need, no doubt about it. Two of them around here talked me out of killing myself 2 weeks ago. It isn't that I don't still want to die, But as I think that we learn a huge lesson in life, we don't always get what we want. Understand that you are not alone. I spent my childhood being raped and sexually assaulted. I am sorry for you that you are going through that in your marriage. I know the pain that it causes. Know that we are here for you, but you have to know that you are loved and cared about, and you are very special.

Take care of you. I will talk to you soon. I didn't have a lot of words of encouragement, I just wanted to tell you that you weren't alone, and that I care.

Scared

October 10, 2006
3:48 pm
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i wasnt trying to give you a hard time about drinking, i am sorry if it came accross that way, i could sure use one right about now too, i only think it might be a bad time because if he comes home and you are drunk it will be harder to stand up for yourself, i am sorry if i crossed a line.

October 10, 2006
3:57 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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elle-

I wasn't trying to insinuate that you were being hard on her, I am sorry if you took it that way. I just really know where she is right now. I don't know much about you, and maybe you know her pain right now all too well also. But, it makes me nervous that she hasn't been back since she went to get a drink....Hope that things are ok with you.

Scared

October 10, 2006
4:01 pm
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jastypes
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No, I was never afraid he'd hit me. In fact, sometimes I wished he would, because then in my mind I would have had the reason I needed to leave him. I also believe he knew deep down that it was a line he could not cross with me and still be married to me. That and infidelity. Like I said, I had bitch potential all along. I think he knew hitting me wouldn't keep me in line, it would have just made me turn on him completely, and his goal at that time was to control and manipulate me.

October 10, 2006
4:06 pm
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Scared, i am just worried about her, like you, i know what she is going through too, i wish so bad i could be there to hug her and let her know she is not alone.
I did take it that way, i guess that is my low self esteem kicking back in, paranoya or what ever you want to call it. i guess we never fully recover but we do get better,and i am not going to give up, i will keep reading and getting support so hopefully one day i can be a support to others.

Army, are you back?
are you OK?

October 10, 2006
4:06 pm
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jastypes
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Army, you said "No I want him to be happy then, things run better here."

Ah, you think so, do you? Personally, I doubt it. Personally, I think that even if your house was clean, your money was managed, your kids were sweet all the time, and you kissed his butt morning, noon and night, he would not be happy.

He is not unhappy because of anything you do or don't do. And it is not your job or responsibility to make him happy. I have got to dig out my recovery bible tonight so I can paste to you what marriage really is supposed to be -- what my husband and I are now striving for.

But I can tell you without looking that it's definitely NOT about you making him happy, or walking on eggshells to make sure nothing makes him unhappy.

October 10, 2006
5:19 pm
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armyleo
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Elle, jas, scared, Kasie,

I'm back. I'm feeling better, although probably not for the right reason, I'm numbing the pain..

Elle - no, I know you were not giving me a hard time about drinking. Thank-you for talking to me. Please don't be mad at me. I don't want you guys upset.

Jas - your lucky he doesn't hit you. Although sometimes his words are more cutting, and dig deep in my heart. If you find what your loking for plese post

Scared - I'm going to have a drink for you, since you;ve been so good.

But I'm not good,

KASIE, don't give up on me girl... How was your day today. Your not stupid I'm the stupid onek, I can't do anything right. I am going to be in trouble tonight.... But I just couldn't pay the bill, I can't make money appear

October 10, 2006
5:41 pm
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armyleo
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is anyone around. I need some talk. if i don't talk i'm going to have a melt down. Where is everyone,

October 10, 2006
5:48 pm
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lovinglife
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Army~ I'm here...I posted on your thread yesterday..I've been reading this thread today wishing I had something to say other than..."I've been there..." including the drink and all

October 10, 2006
5:48 pm
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armyleo
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That's okay, I've survived on my own up until now I can do it again.

October 10, 2006
5:49 pm
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lovinglife
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I'm here, I can listen...

October 10, 2006
5:50 pm
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armyleo
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Loving i'm sorry I didn't see anyone posting, I guess it's all too much now, Don't think I'm a horrible person for drinking, I'm not. It's good that you love life... you were goin gto tell your story

October 10, 2006
5:51 pm
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lovinglife
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Army~ what I've done in the past in here is started a thread and just started rambling away- off in my own little corner...it was in there (my ramblings) I found alot of my answers...just start typing away

October 10, 2006
5:53 pm
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lovinglife
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gosh no I don't think you horrible for drinking I kind chuckled to myself when you said you went for a drink and then came back and posted in here...I've done that myself...actually one time I was WASTED and I posted on a thread...the next morning I was so scared to look and see what I wrote...hey we all are in pain or have been in pain around here-

October 10, 2006
5:54 pm
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lovinglife
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now if you were an alcoholic trying to give it up- then of course that is a different story...

October 10, 2006
5:55 pm
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lovinglife
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are you still here Army?

October 10, 2006
5:58 pm
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lovinglife
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and oh just to clarify about the time I drank and posted - it had everything to do with the pain...I was in the height of it.

October 10, 2006
6:03 pm
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armyleo
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you guys all talk about when you were little i still don't know what it has to do with me today so I will tell ,y story.

Quick version, I don't want to go into details. I lived with my parents until I was 1 then I was sent to my grand parents because they both worked. I guess they visited me 1-2 a year. I was then flown back when I was 5 to start school. I didn't know who they really were because I didn't see them often, when I was small.

My father owned restaurant/bar, so he would drink, but never did anything to me, he loved me. But he had lady friends, I would get home earlier from school than my mom from work, I caught him twice, with a women, buck, naked. Why am I even saying anything.

During the summers I was shipped back to my grandparents house. I can remember running down the stairs, and grandma running after me with the broom because I was bad. I only remember 1 incidennt. Grandpa loved me but he died.

They were never huggy lovey and I guess I was never huggy and lovey with my parents. End of story, I wasn't abused, I guess, I don't even know why i'mm telling otherr then it's just spilling out.

Why bring up the past,, I thought we couldn't blame our past???

October 10, 2006
6:05 pm
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armyleo
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I'm want to dull the paink, I'm scared,

October 10, 2006
6:09 pm
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armyleo
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Why can't he love me, I just want someone to love me. I I want him to say he loves me. You know it's been years since he has said that. I want, him to take me out to eat, and laugh and have a drink, and be a happy couple.

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