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doubleloss.. i am here
October 22, 2006
5:28 am
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needtoheal
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thanks for your opinion Zinnie...
I am not sure about whether or not he is on drugs, has another girlfriend or both....
I know that he does show pattern of what someone has called "Switching" -- possibly switching to alcohol...
And as far as a girlfriend, well, I would hope that she will figure it all out because more than likely he will not change... he even speaks to his mother like he did with me...

Maybe I should not even think about what is his problem...
I should just think about the fact that he is not calling...
and move on with my life...

thanks

October 22, 2006
9:05 am
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StronginHim77
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needtoheal -

Amazing how we come to "know" people through their wonderful and open postings on these threads. Need - You have revealed yourself to be a highly compassionate, caring woman. You have great intelligence, patience and good values. In short, you deserve a man who can reach that same level. This guy was one step above pond scum. No. I take that back. I think he qualifies as pond scum. He was untruthful, self-indulgent, selfish, violent, tantrumming, foul-mouthed, cold and vicious when he didn't get his way. This man is NOT for you. God help the woman who hooks up with him. And still living at home at age 36? This guy has some SERIOUS issues.

Shut the door to him. Initiate "No Contact" and move on with your life. Grieve the loss of your hopes, but press thru the pain, so that you can recover and meet a man whose potential and goodness match your own. When it hurts, (and it will at first), post here. We have all been in your shoes and will stand by you, while you go thru the grieving process.

Love,

Ma Strong

October 22, 2006
9:22 am
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needtoheal
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MA Strong---- Thank You... I am crying now because I am so grateful for all that you have helped me with and your support... It was YOU who was able to guide me to the NO CONTACT thread... and I will always be grateful for that guidance...
I have come to accept the fact that even though he was a crutch for me I am NOW ready to throw that crutch away (actually what I meant to say is I HAVE THROWN THAT CRUTCH 'POND SCUM' AWAY) and I am NOW READY TO MOVE FORWARD ..
I have accepted the fear of lonliness... because I have been blessed in posting at this web site.. and I will never be alone!!!!
Thank you MA Strong...
Early this morning I could not fall back to sleep so I went through the NO CONTACT threads on the liberation side and it truly "SUNK IN" ...

There is no point in me speaking to this man ever again.. I do NOT OWE him ANYTHING!!!!!
Besides it is of no use because talking to him is allowing him to believe that the door is still open for him to throw salt on my wounds....
I am having a hard time in detaching with love... I guess it is difficult because I do understand how this man was raised and all the strife in his early lifetime HOwever, at 36 years old, he should be responsible and accountable for his own actions... Plus, another red flag is the fact that he is only a year into his job... he is an escapist from the reality of who he really is ...
I at least am able to look at myself more closely and know what I have difficulties with,... I know that I had been a rescuer and wanted more than anything to "HELP HIM" which in turn, made me escape from the lonliness. I also am aware and am treating my ADD which I have embraced. Like I always tell my oldest who has ADD, people need to understand and accept themselves for who they are... I have taught him what the symptoms of ADD are and how he can cope because medication is not the only answer... behavior modification is also needed, depending of course, on the severity...

I have taught him that it is okay when the symptoms become problematic .. and that it is okay for him to blame the ADD...

It is just like others that discipline their kids in saying to him/her that they are a bad boy/girl...
NO it is not true that he/she is bad.. it is their behaviors (or their actions that are not acceptable)...

anyway, thank you MA..

The tears were for the joy and happiness of your comfort and your ability to motivate me.....

thank you

October 22, 2006
9:53 am
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needtoheal
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And MA STRONG---
closing the door is the ONLY ANSWER.. because yesterday morning I called him.. He told me that he got "another' ticket for talking on his cell phone while driving.. And I even suggested to him that I never put the cell phone to my ear while driving and that I use the speaker phone if needed... Now I am feeling stronger.. and it is not that I don't care but by keeping the lines of communication open like this it gives him the opportunity to hurt me again

October 22, 2006
9:55 am
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snowlover
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Needtoheal,

I understand all too well the pain of seperating yourself from someone who was bringing "something" to your life. But, if you sit down, and maybe made a list of the pros and cons of your relationship with this man I bet the con side would far outweight the pro side.

We teach people how to treat us. if we continue to accept less and less then we are showing that person we have no self respect, no self worth, and no dignity. If we set boundaries, but then allow them to cross our boundaries then we are teaching them we dont mean what we say. Believe me, Im the queen in that regard.

Take stock of your own life, and see the gifts you have. Youre a kind, caring woman, but that doesnt mean that you tolerate abuse or bad treatment from anyone.

Snow

October 22, 2006
11:13 am
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needtoheal
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thanks snow for responding...

You are so right...

Say what you mean,

Mean what you say,

and do what you say

you are going to do....

Unfortunately, in my case, I did see the warnings.. However, I was in denial..

Then when my father's best friend passed away, and this man incapable of having any empathy, that seemed to be the BIG WAKE UP ...

and I thank GOD that I am dealing with the reality...

thanks for listening

October 22, 2006
3:19 pm
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artist 2
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That's terrible. Time to break up!

October 22, 2006
3:32 pm
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needtoheal
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MOST DEFINITELY...Artist 2

This has been so hard....
facing the truth..
the reality
that someone wanted
to hurt me
on purpose...
I think he was very calculating..
and I think now that he has not called
is a way of what he used to always say to me
"PUNISHMENT"..

I think this man wants me
to be punished
because he does not
want to face reality
of the fact that
he is abusive--
verbally
and emotionally...

I doubt that he has
someone else...
But then again
he is a habitual liar..
lies to everyone
can't say the truth
so when he told me
that he does not
have someone
maybe he does....

That fact does not
matter
to me anymore...
The fact that DOES
MATTER THE MOST--
is that I am willing
to deal with facing the
TRUTH---

No more denial..

I have been grieving
yes, that is true,
because no matter what
he represented
to me
it still is a loss..

But even though he
temporarily filled
a
void
I know NOW that
I do not NEED
to have someone
here
when I feel lonely..
and that I can only
be responsible and
accountable
for myself..
I cannot rescue
someone who wears a mask...
It may also stem
from his addiction
and not doing the work
of recovery..
Although he may
no longer poison
himself with weed
he still is poisoned
with the consequences
of the choices that he made,,
and the choice to
run
and think that
he could still control
me is now IMPOSSIBLE..
BEEN THERE.... DONE THAT BEFORE
when I closed the door
of opportunity for my ex-husband
to return...
another one who
could not face reality
of HIMSELF...

SO, I know that
this feeling of
emptiness will fade..
It is all a process
which i have
unfortunately been
through before..

To me, it is just
doing the "work"
now
and without willingness
to act
nothing would ever change
and the only
thing that I can
change is MYSELF

October 22, 2006
3:53 pm
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needtoheal
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I can remember going to a party with him for Easter... and I was not with my kids ...
We went to his friend's house.
He told everyone at this party
that he brought lobster tails
that he had frozen since
he left his other job ...
and told EVERYONE as if bragging
that he did not buy them..
oh no
that he shoved them down
his pants and walked out the door of the store...
And amusingly everyone thanked him
and I sat there mortified
and embarrassed.
Then he responded
"no problem, it's on ----(the name of the store).......

October 22, 2006
4:01 pm
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needtoheal
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He obly revealed himself
took off the mask
because it seems
to me
that he wanted
to impress....

What a way to make an impression!???

I think that this has to do with him not facing recovery...
THe lies, stealing, hiding is all a part of being addicted...

He would hide empty
beer bottles
under his bed
from his mother so that
she would not see that he
drank some.. which he took from the fridge and did not pay for or even replace.. knowing that it was there for company...

He was lazy.... amotivational syndrome...
He would use a juice bottle
to urinate in
so that he did not have
to go across the hall to use the bathroom
and he would not even empty it...
so when i started to be around
him i tried to "rescue" him...
helped him change
his room
got the bed off the floor
and helped when he got a bed frame
got a new comforter and sheets
then the controlling mother took over
she painted the room
because of all the years that she and
her husband allowed him to smoke weed in the comfort of his room.
then she pulled up the stained
carpeting.. which i had refused to help with,..
and he finally got a carpet (and paid for it..WOW)
but mommy picked it out and made all the arrangements.
the only thing he had to do was take out the furniture....
and put it back...

just venting

October 22, 2006
4:10 pm
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lovingmom
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needtoheal - I've been following your threads and I know you've posted on mine also. I just wanted to add here that just from "hearing" how you describe this exbf and your exhusband, you sound very in touch with reality and in touch with your own feelings. I know it's hard to believe about ourselves sometimes, but from what I can tell, you are strong and you will make it though all of this, not to mention you'll be stronger and smarter because of it. When I first read about how your exhusbnad was with you while he was coming to spend time with the kids, it made me very sad becuase I see something like that happening with my husband. Just stay strong, keep educating yourself, and keep loving your kids. You deserve to be happy.

October 22, 2006
4:21 pm
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Randomwomen2
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My stars sweetheart you have been through a lot. I dont know what I can say though that hasnt already been said. It has defantly been a yo-yo relationship. To me the last straw was when he had the aduasity to yell at you and be so heartless on the day of your "Uncles" funural. That is just cold blooded. I am so sorry for all the pain he has caused you. I do agree with Zinnie change your phone numbers so that he cant call you. I dont care if he gets down on his knees and begs for your forgiveness YOU CAN DO BETTER! Thank you for opening up and sharing your story with us hunny.

October 22, 2006
4:27 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks lovingmom---

My children are what gives me the strength....
Yes it is hard to see ourselves and be able to pat ourselves on the back..
I know that I can be very insightful.
However, I was in DENIAL...
the mere fact that someone was hurting me on purpose really sickens me...

As far as my ex-husband he was another abusive man...
passive-aggressive..

having him here at the time was alright in the sense that the kids were young: 3 and the other 14 months old..
However, I was sickened by the fact that he also wore a mask...
pretended that we were a family
and we were not..
switched things around..
never would acknowledge my feelings
then when i would get frustrated or mad
he would then feel good because then he could tell himself "look at her"
she is the cause of this distress...

thanks for the support

October 22, 2006
5:01 pm
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StronginHim77
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Need -

Next step (think of this as your "homework assignment): Find out WHY you gravitated towards (or attracted) two, toxic men in a row. This is NOT an accident or a coincidence. Use this time of venting and grieving and recovery to find out WHY. So that your future relationship(s) is/are healthier choices that bring you real happiness.

Love,

Ma Strong

October 22, 2006
5:29 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks Ma Strong for the homework assignment...

I know that I will have to look deep within myself for that answer..

Just purchased the book

When and Why Love Doesn't Work:

How to Break Your Addiction To A Person
by: Howard M. Halpern, PH.D

thanks once again Ma Strong

October 23, 2006
2:30 am
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doubleloss
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Need,
SOME of the red flags that jumped at me. I'm sorry i wasn't here yesterday or today. i had a very rough night on friday and was out almost all saturday and all sunday.

i'm so happy that you are doing NC because he sounds nuts, disrespectful and scary. i wouldn't be surprised that if you stay it the emotional and verbal abuse would escalate to physical in no time.

NC is hard and it takes time and he'll probalby come back.

Have you read the book? why does he do that by Dr. Lundy Bancroft. I read it and it helped me a lot. It describes the abusers in so many simple ways.

I 'll check tomorro. i hope you are doing OK.

SOME OF THE MANY RED FLAGS

1. he stopped smoking marijuana when he met me

2.he was turning off the phone to charge... probably because he knew that i would call back..

3.he called me a "F-cking C-nt"

4.he left me a message saying that he was sorry and that of course he did not mean what he said...

5.so i called him and asked him what did he have to do.. he flipped... he said do i have to now write a F---ing diary ?

6.he said that he felt like hiring someone to beat him up so that he would not be in work for a while

7.he never calmed down or called

8. 36 living at home

9. insulting his own mother

October 23, 2006
11:36 am
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needtoheal
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Oh double...
RED FLAGS.......RED FLAGS

FOR SURE..!!!

He called and left a voice message on my cell phone this morning....

He basically said what's up? wanted to say good morning..
then said that "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAD A GOOD WEEKEND OR NOT.."

he was just about at his work.

Said that he will talk to me sometimes while at work...

but

if he does not answer the phone it is because he is really busy

he said that he will talk to me later

HMMM... ASSUMES as if I could possibly not have a GREAT weekend without him ... and with the kids...

maybe wanted to know if I was drowning myself in sorrow over him

THINK NOT

then he also ASSUMES that I will call him back....

THINK NOT

*******I DID IT DOUBLE!!!************

this man does not deserve to even know what my weekend was like....

THE DOOR IS SHUT!!!!!!!!

October 23, 2006
12:32 pm
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doubleloss
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grrrreat!! congratulations. that is good positibe thinking, i'm sure all your weekends will be goo, even if there is one or two thre that might not! it's great!

October 23, 2006
12:43 pm
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needtoheal
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THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT DOUBLE!!!

I have the willingness to act---

to change the things that I can...

Next weekend will be difficult

kids are with their dad

but i changed my work schedule

i will be working friday night after the kids leave (this is the most difficult time in the past)

and then saturday night i will be bowling and then head off to work
overnight 10pm-6:30am

I did this schedule weeks ago in anticipation of leaving him and NOt being available to him anymore

IT'S OVER

TIME TO RECOVER

TIME TO HEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 23, 2006
2:38 pm
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needtoheal
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The layers that I have put

around the pain

of your going

are thin.

I walk softly

through life,

adding thickness

each day.

A thought or feeling

of you

cracks the surface.

A call

to you

shatters it all.

And I spend

that night

in

death.

Spinning

the first

layer of life

with the

sunrise.

Author: unknown

October 23, 2006
3:01 pm
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StronginHim77
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need -

You are doing so well. I am very proud of the strength you are mustering. It is NEVER easy to shut the door, no matter how toxic the man or how abusive.

We will all be here for you.

Double -

Your list of red flags is awesome! You could teach a college class on it now. We are all learning the red flags the hard way: through our mistakes. But at least, we now have the protective knowledge to save us from walking down that road again.

- Ma Strong

October 23, 2006
8:59 pm
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SingleBeachDad
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Needtoheal, Sorry you have to go through the pain you are going through. You came to the right place. Beleive when I tell you not all men are like this. Sometimes I question my own kindness, seeing all of these great,caring, women with jerks. You have mad a wise choice by not letting your children get attached to anyone, until you are sure it will be ok.

My situation is... my STBX was a lie, a confessed six time+ cheater, manipulator who play on my kindness. Even with all that I have been through I still have feelings for her. I have good days and bad days, But as time goes by it gets easier and I't will get easier for you too. Just hang in there for your childrens sake as well as yourself. ((((((neddtoheal)))

SBD

October 23, 2006
11:19 pm
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doubleloss
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need.

i love that poem, it's so true. it's also good to know that you are through with your boyfriend, good for you.

strong.
i've been reading a lot, and learning a lot, and well, it's a bit of loss of innocence really, all these process, to start looking at people with different eyes, with caution, guarding feelings but well, better to be safe than sorry, and even then, there are no guarantees, right?

SBD, so sorry to hearr your stbx cheated on you. that must be soemthing close to hell. the feelings...well, love is love right?

October 23, 2006
11:37 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks SBD for your response and your honesty... I am also sorry to hear about your stbx...

"Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of"--Anonymous

Thanks doubleloss for reading, listening and offering all of your support... and I will always remember how you were there for me (and being so sick).. in the wee morning hours and how you answered my call....
love,
I WILL HEAL!

October 23, 2006
11:45 pm
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needtoheal
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Something else came into my head tonight...
WE (me & my EX-b/f .. I am so getting used to the ex!!), were at a bar back at the end of May of this year.. Karoke... which is not something that I ever attempted .. until this night. SO with the enticement of a few women, we were up there singing our hearts out to the song:
"GOODBYE TO YOU" by Scandal

How ironic... and I do remember the look in his eyes that night ...

Then I went up with another woman and sang some other song.. by Stevie Nicks... Landslide...
and I was looking over at him talking to one of his friends (the DJ's wife) and he had this stewing, maddening expression on his face..while I was singing...
Could not figure it out..
SO when I was finished I asked him what was wrong.. Boy did he get mad at just the question...
I remember walking out the door and going for a walk...
How that man loved (notice the tense) to try to keep me off balance.. and up until that point everything was just fine.. cool, calm, etc...
Another memory of chaos...

It's fine with me... It was a part of the destruction...
But then again without the destruction I may never had be resurrected either... and I know that I am stronger.....

Just a thought

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