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doubleloss.. i am here
October 21, 2006
6:08 am
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needtoheal
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i will write about this whole mess here on this thread .... it will take me some time but i will check to see if you post on the other thread ... thanks

October 21, 2006
6:14 am
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needtoheal
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wow.. i cant believe that i just wrote down all this stuff and the computer shut off....

alright,.. here goes....

if you take a look at the thread to 2alone you will read how this man came into my life when i was the most vulnerable.
i was separated from my ex-h and just got a job to get out of the house a few nights .. kids were only 4 and almost 2 at the time..

i kept them away from this man for a long time and they are not attached because i did not want, in case things did not work out, to suffer another loss in their life...

this man was there for me and i was there for him as well...
he stopped smoking marijuana when he met me ... he had been smoking for over 10 years.... and once he knew that it was not my scene, he was able to quit.....

i gave him a choice and i told him that i could not be around him at all... so he did quit....

he listened and listened whenever something would come up.. i had a difficult divorce (although my ex-h left he did not want to work on the marriage nor get a divorce and after a year of so being in limbo i divorced him) ... the whole process took a year

October 21, 2006
6:31 am
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needtoheal
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things got really bad...

i would spend time with this man when the kids were with their dad....

Sept.2 2006

We got into an arguement about something... can't remember even the details...
but it had to do maybe with something about plans.. when i had called him he was on the phone and said that his friend wanted to go bowling and that he did not know if his girlfriend wanted to go but he would let him know.. meanwhile we were meeting and getting ready to do whatever.. and all i had asked him about was around what time... and that escalated things.. now it is coming back to me but i am not sure if this was the weekend that this happened..

i was sitting in his dining room of his parent's house (36, lives with mom and dad), and i said that wnated to have an idea about what time... he was eating ... and he said that he does not know... rolled his eyes.. said that i am a pain in the -ss..
his parents were in the other room// and a friend of theirs was coming through the door...

it was strange because when i had called him he cut me off short and said that he would talk to me when we met up to his house//
then he said that he was turning off the phone to charge... probably because he knew that i would call back..

and i did.. because my car was done getting the oil change and he said that he would stop by and that is the reason why i went to this place is because it was near his house...

so i met him in the driveway and he said that his friend had called wanted to know if he wanted to go bowling ... he said that he did not know if the friend was going to go..

he was comng back from work... and he sat down with me at the table to eat.. i was not hungry .. so i wanted to ask him a few questions,..

i asked him what time does he think taht he would go bowling?
he was so annoyed.... started rolling his eyes at me//
i asked him why was he so angry
he said that i am a pain in the -ss//

his parents were in the other room and a friend of theirs had come by

it was his mothers birthday in a few days and i thought that maybe we could go looking for a gift

that is why i was asking him the questions.

well he told me to shut the F--K up and that he had company...

that was it... i calmed down but i was so annoyed...

he was tired and decided to take a nap and wanted me to lay down with him...

he did// and i left//
he met me at my house later on/

so then i explained to him that i was annoyed and it just did not make sense that his friend would ask him to go bowling and not give a time..
he said that is only in my world

so we calmed down and he listened/

he went upstairs and put in a game for the playstation

then when i asked him if he checked his phone to see if his friend called he got mad again/
i told him that he should go home because i could not take it anymore how he talks to me...

so i went to turn off the game without saving it and he blew...

he called me a "F-cking C-nt"
i tried to calm him down and i put my arms on his chest... he was so mad.. and i pushed him..and he pushed me back and ran down the stairs..

anyway, he ended up telling me that if i got my father or my brother he would stab the a--hole right in the heart in front of me....

October 21, 2006
6:49 am
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doubleloss
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hi
wow, that is bad, what he said

October 21, 2006
6:49 am
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he left the house... and i was alone..

the next day he left me a message saying that he was sorry and that of course he did not mean what he said...
that next night he did go bowling with his friend.. he called me up after and he told me that he had 4 beers and he was just getting in the car...

the following day labor day i had the kids... we had talked about taking them to the zoo but of course i would not want him around them

so he went with his friends (this dj and his wife that he bowls with) and their kids somewhere////

September 16

I did not have the kids..
Before i went bowling that night we talked..
i went bowling and he stopped by. he said that we could go get something to eat afterwards...
he also mentioned that he was going to go to the bar to help his friend who does the karoke...
anyway, when i was talking to him while i was bowling he got something to eat.. i was wondering why he was eating.. he felt uncomfortable because i was tying to ignore him and not talk to him too much because i did not want drama

well, i told him that i guess he was going to go to the bar and we would not be hanging out later on at all

he was ignoring me and so when i went to bowl he took off

i went to find him and he came back

then we argued some more and he finally left// he said for me to call him when i got done bowling

so i did///

we met up at my house/
and that was the last night that he stayed with me (and it had nothing to do with intimacy because that is another problem too... he has a problem ) so this relationship never had much going for it for a LONG time

but i continued to have companionship with him when the kids were not here////

we would talk all the time and now i was getting to see reality..

he had called me that monday while he was at work and i was off and doing some food shopping, while kids in school../. just trying to keep myself focused

i was upset.. he said that we keep arguing over things like his friends etc
i ended up hanging up on him and then later called him back and told him that i dont know what to do.. and that maybe we should not speak

\he said that if that is what i want

so i started NO CONTACT---- and felt great

then by thursday he left a text message./i did not get it until later so i text messaged him back that i was fine thanks for asking

we talked in the morning Fri Sept 22 but i did not call him back that night.. and i did not have the kids so i went to my new found friend's and another girlfriend was there too.. so the 3 of us were talking and i had a good time

October 21, 2006
6:59 am
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then we were not talking as much and i was feeling alright..

then on sept 27
my parents had to return from their vacation , my dad's best friend of 45 years died/ it was expected but not so soon

so i told him about it

friday sept 29
had the wake .. had to be really strong and i was there for my parents and the family of the man that i had only know as uncle.. i was friends with his daughter only by phone but one night she did get to meet my bf

i wrote a eulogy that night and called him up to see what he thought.. he said that it was awesome'' he was supportive of me and i thanked him for listening

Saturday Sept 30

the funeral/// i was so proud of myself because i was able to deliver this eulogy about my father's friendship

my b/f wanted me to call him after and i did call when i got home from the funeral

i was all alone except for the puppy that we picked out one day without the kids// and i have a cat

anyway, i asked him if he had plans

he said that he was going to help his friend the DJ with the equipment

i said that if he did not mind maybe i could stop over
and he said that if i wanted to.. and who knows maybe his friend would not need him tonight

i left him a text message that i was out walking the dog and to call the cell

so he called the house and left a message on the answering machine

October 21, 2006
7:07 am
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doubleloss
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i'm still here

October 21, 2006
7:09 am
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and he said that his plans fell through and he would not be at the bar after all... then there was a pause//
he said that if i wanted to do something later we could; or the next day; but to call him if i wanted to do something

so i called him and asked him what did he have to do..
he flipped... he said
do i have to now write a F---ing diary ? he said that he was at a parking lot of a grocery store in the town that his friends --dj and his wife --,live...

i asked him how long does he expect to be... and he said that he had to go because they were calling him and he hung up

kept trying to call but he would not answer

he answered and said "oh my god"
and hung up and turned his phone off

then i left a message that all i wanted to know was the time or that if he did think it would be too late i would go to a friend's house

he never calmed down or called

so i went to my girlfriend's house

then when i left it was near closing time at the bar so i went there

he was there... dressed not as usual

and then i asked him what happened to him
he said that his plans got all screwed up
he said that he was dressed the way he was because he wanted to take me to the movies???? but i f-cked that up by bothering him when i called
i said that i had a funeral
he said that yeah, and when was the last time you saw the man...

he was drunk

i was so upset

finally he calmed down and i walked him out

his friends. the dj was driving.. his wife was drunk//
they told him to be careful because he was driving and he was drunk////

some friends

October 21, 2006
7:15 am
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doubleloss
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need...i think something is finally making me sleepy.
I will go to bed now i don't want to miss the opportunity. I will be back here in a few hours, or sooner if i ended up not sleeping again. i promise i'll ready everything later and i don't know if i can be of any help, but at least i'll listen with an open heart and open mind. hope you can get some hours of sleep too. i sense you are really hurting, i'm sending you a big, strong hug, it's nice to know we're not alone (((((need to heal)))))) from double

October 21, 2006
7:17 am
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needtoheal
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anyway, he wanted to come to my house but i did not want him there so he ended up going home

next day he did not have much to say although he was mad at me

it was a week of hell

the cat was sick so i had to also deal with that

then thursday night oct 5 left a text message that the cat was dying

he called and was shocked

friday oct 6

left me a text message that if i got to see the cat tonight to tell him that he was the only cat he loved and that he was the best cat in the world

text him back and said that i would not be seeing the cat

that night i went to my girlfriend's house// we all had fun

that night the cat died

sat oct7
had to tell the boys that the cat died when they got back from their dad .. it was ok because they were expecting it and the cat had been at the vet for a few days

so for the next few days we did not talk or as much as we used to//

i went to the therapist and that helped me

so i could feel him pulling away

then sat oct 7 that night i had to go bowling and i talked to him for a little bit... i ended up telling him that we cannot get along and that i understood that he did not want to work on things.. i left him a message that i could not go through the same thing again like i did with the ex-h

October 21, 2006
7:42 am
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needtoheal
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thanks double....for reading all of this..

he then left me a text message I LOVE you JUST NEED SOME TIME TO RECHARGE AND MAKE IT WORK.

That was two weeks ago and it seems like a long time ago....

since then we talked but not as often and he was pulling away

then wed oct 11

he called after work and was telling me stuff about the guy he works with
who has a bad back

anyway he said that he felt like hiring someone to beat him up so that he would not be in work for a while

i was so done........

i told him that i could not take this anymore

and that i was so hurt when i needed him after the funeral

then he was so mad because i brought up the past

then thur oct12
he came to my work to see me

we did not talk but he said that i looked good

then that night we talked and he said that he does not know what he wants.. we are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend and that maybe he needs to meet someone else///

then from friday oct13 until monday oct 16
did not hear from him at all
i was a mess
but i kept myself busy by working
i changed my work schedule so that i could work more when the kids are not here
that is what is a big problem for me

so this whole entire week has been confusing..
went to the therapist monday who wants me to do a pro/con list
she knows that i know what i want to do.. but it is hard to break the habit

i had told him wednesday night that there is no debate anymore
that he does not even have the option to come back
told him that he cannot come back and forth in my life and run as soon as there is a problem

thursday oct 19
he called and i did talk to him about the baseball game

we even laughed and enjoyed talking to him abous sports.. that was what we used to do ... talk on the phone about sports a lot

friday oct 2o

i talked to him briefly

he asked me how my day went and i said that it was rough in the beginning then it was ok
i told him i could not talk to him because he was the source of my problem
he said "sure"
then i worked last night
and got onto the website
and found you

the kids are coming home in about an hour...

i got a lot of sleep actually
fell asleep about 11 until 4 am

not bad for me lately

i just wish this would all go away

and i wonder if he is trying to play another head game with me

he knows what i went through with my ex-husband

and maybe he is sad because he also told me that i need to find a "PERFCT MAN" and that IF we got back together sometime i would eventually mention something from the past.... so that is when i told him there is no option

this is so confusing

and i can't believethat i was engaged to him

only for a few days
and i did remind him of why i gave that ring back TWICE in 5 days....

he snapped at me when i was thinking of what is best for him

and the final straw was all the lies

i am confused though///

i text messaged him before i went to work

and wrote just know that i tried to be there for you...understand your feelings,.. and tried my best to love you

and then wrote

all i had wanted in return
was respect...
honesty...
for you to understand how i felt..
and to love me
unconditionally

October 21, 2006
9:39 am
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needtoheal
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I feel so much better....

October 21, 2006
3:09 pm
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needtoheal
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bump

October 21, 2006
3:23 pm
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doubleloss
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hi need. i've been on th ephone for hours. i slept maybe 4.

he is playing w/you big time. you know it, i know it, he knows it. my friend, be strong and stop contact with him as soon as youcan. and even then, the pain doesn't go away, heck, i know. it's been 3 months since my xbf dumped me (i also met him after separating from my husband) and he showed up yesterday to a place that i hang out and i came back a total mess.

what did you want to ask me? how can i help you?

October 21, 2006
3:40 pm
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doubleloss
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hi needtoheal.

as i read your story i just want to shake the world, you know, it's insane how so many women from all walks of life, levels of educacion, financial comfort, nationalities, age. etc. get involved with all these unavailable men...i mean, what on earth is going on? are men and women really that different? why are there so many men with all these issues? i mean, what kind of society do we live in that men are so mean, manipulative and stupid?

gosh, i don't know. and why do we women of the world put up with that stuff?

as i read your stories i think: just walk away, turn it off...but I KNOW that is not that easy. I know that even if you manage to walk away, have no contact, the feelings can't just be turned OFF.like a switch. and the agony and the pain is insane,a nd we suffer for men that are not worth it, and that don't value us for who we are. it is very strange. but i love these threads because i truly, really believe that by sharing all these things we can really help each other, we can grow and get stronger, or at the very least, it is such a relief to know that my emotions and my feelings are not unusual, that are just human, and that really a paradox...are just healthy.

i don't want to have pain without a purpose, i don't understand the purpose of the pain i'm experiencing. maybe it's about a lesson, i'm not sure what the lesson is.

and for you, having kids, GOSH! hughe responsibility, but maybe that is pain with a purpose, you have to go through this to learn and to be able to teach your kids if they are boys: how to treat women, how to be healthy, how to be honorable and the same for girls and for both to have a strong self image, strong self esteem, to learn how to draw healthy boudnaries...mmmhh! yes, that is for your kids, but i guess that is also for us right, if we don't know how to do it, we can't teach it.

need, i'm rambling. i'm so tired, my cough is really bad. i'm going to be aroudn so i hope yo post. take care double

October 21, 2006
4:05 pm
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doubleloss
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o yes, and well, he is not contactin you now, so that is good, but then it is also hard. xbf stopped calling as well and i haven't called him, and it's just hard, hard. either way is hard. you're right, is the attachment to the illusion, maybe for both of us these men were just the proverbial and necessary rebound, kind of like the finishing trim to our marriages and now we have to move towards a really different, happy and fulfilled life on our own for a while and then, only then we'll meet the right men fo rus, once we have healed (???)

October 21, 2006
4:38 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks double for posting and your thoughts and insight to what is going on ...

i think that as adults we are responsible and should be accountable for our own actions, our own behaviors ...

In his case, i can see why he may be the way that he is... but that is also NOT my problem... nor is it his parents problem because like I mentioned he is the one who should stand up and be counted....

I think that he hates women because he has a very dominating mother... and his father is passive and yet he has uses stong language (usually behind closed doors from what I was able to see)...

I think that also the fact that he was adopted by these people is also an issue.. He was not placed into their home until the age of 2...

then there is also a physical disabilty (6toes) and he was tormented and teased growing up...

but like i said that is also not my problem..

although i am a caretaker, for two boys i might add, i think that during this rebound i took care and tried to rescue him from his plight.. drug abuse...

and so, my friend, it is only up to ourselves to hold value on who we are because it is not our fault that such men came into our lives when we were vulnerable and wrecked chaos and havoc upon our emotions....

i know that he is playing with me--- BIG TIME--- however, i was in denial for quite some time... even now i sometimes wonder what it is all about -- like i am detached from my feelings and just watching the events take place...

then when he was not there for me the night that i had come back from the funeral that seemed to be a bottom line for me... and i even went to the bar to confront him nicely about why he acted the way he did... and did i get closure that night? yes, in some sense because i knew that he was bullsh--ing me and i did get to tell him how i felt... and of course i also knew , whether sober or not, that he would discount my feelings and lash back by saying "When was the last time you saw the man?"...

But slowly i am learning from this heartache... And i am trying to control my impulsivity which is a halmark of Attention Deficit Disorder... However, like I told my older son, knowing yourself is the best thing that a person can do for themselves because then they are able to accept themselves.... for example, my son tends to misplace or forget things at school... so many times all three of us have to go back there... and instead of getting so frustrated (and lower his self-esteem) I taught him that it was ok to blame his ADD ....because losing things is a symptom...

Thanks for listening....

I have been very hurt... especially when someone has been so calculating... and i do believe that he was controlling me.....just as much as i was trying to control him

But like I learned from the experience of the ex-husband.... TIGERS DO NOT CHANGE THEIR STRIPES

and the people that do change are those that can embrace themselves and accept themselves....

I want to share this with you:

I hope that i am not repeating myself..and if so, i am sorry

COURAGE ALLOWS

THE SUCCESSFUL

WOMAN

TO FAIL--

AND TO

LEARN POWERFUL

LESSONS

FROM THE FAILURE--

SO THAT

IN THE END,

SHE DIDN'T FAIL

AT ALL...

--------MAYA ANGELOU

so i don't want to think of all of this involvement as a failure... nor the breakup of my marriage.... because i am healing and i will grow from this.........

just one more question... what was the red flag that you saw that made you think that he was playing with me? and how?

just wondering if you have the same insight as me....

thanks

your friend

"I WILL HEAL"

October 21, 2006
7:45 pm
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NTH -

I am sorry hon for all the pain and abuse you have to put up with from your xhubby/bf.

Right now, I am still in the process of reading a very good book about dysfunctional abused kids and how they grow up to use, abuse, control & mistreat their spouse which is very similar traits of my xbf as well. However, the author decided to turn the table around and change even transform his life & he did!!!

I would recommend you to purchase this book "Broken children, grown-up pain" by Paul Hegstrom & to keep your X in your prayers.

Miracles still happen and we should never give up. The bottom line is to detach in love, keep educating yourself and to keep him in your prayers.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

October 21, 2006
10:38 pm
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needtoheal
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hi ras---

yes i will detach and keep him in prayers ... but like i mentioned before, as an adult he needs to really take responsibilty and accountability for his actions... he did say all the time that he would not have what he has now if he was still using.. he saw how his so-called friends were still stuck in their lives because of their choice of addiction.... However, he knows that he has an anger problem.. he just is incapable to see that he is abusive... he knows the consequences of his behavior because he used to mention over and over that he likes to tease people... likes to get a reaction, etc.... It seems that he gets a thrill of getting people emotional....

thanks for reading and listening

October 21, 2006
10:52 pm
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needtoheal
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thanks to everyone who is reading this and will give me as much strength and courage to heal....

October 21, 2006
11:53 pm
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Ya know you did the right thing. What he is would be what you would have gotten for as long as you put up w/ it. I am truly happy you didn't put up w/ him. I know it hurts now, but you'll be blessed later.

(((I WILL HEAL)))

October 22, 2006
12:02 am
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needtoheal
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thanks mamamac!!! you are also someone who i remember was there on the night of my first thread....

this man is a predator... i am sure that he would continue to do this to someone else ... he even verbally abuses his own mother...
and his father does not speak up about it either...

just a mess ... and luckily i was smart to finally see the red flags

and i am just so anxious about if he will come back ...

because every time he has come back

he did say to me the other day that he does not know what he wants (as if he has a choice) and he also said that he loves me and i would be the first woman to consider !!!!

then the next night i called him and told him what i felt... that he does not have to debate.. because there was nothing for him to debate about as far as coming back to me...

he told me that it bothers him the way things ended./

he also said that no matter if he meets someone else he will always have the feeling that me and my kids are family...

well, i did not go there with him...
he should have put that into consideration ......

then he was whining about the fact that the kids would never call him dad and that maybe he should find someone and have his own kids ...

did not go there either....

today he told me that he got another ticket... for talking on his cell phone while driving at work...

i think that this man is such a habitual liar that he may have just said that just to justify why he did not call last night ....

but once again that is not my problem

thanks mamamac!!!

October 22, 2006
12:02 am
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needtoheal
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thanks mamamac!!! you are also someone who i remember was there on the night of my first thread....

this man is a predator... i am sure that he would continue to do this to someone else ... he even verbally abuses his own mother...
and his father does not speak up about it either...

just a mess ... and luckily i was smart to finally see the red flags

and i am just so anxious about if he will come back ...

because every time he has come back

he did say to me the other day that he does not know what he wants (as if he has a choice) and he also said that he loves me and i would be the first woman to consider !!!!

then the next night i called him and told him what i felt... that he does not have to debate.. because there was nothing for him to debate about as far as coming back to me...

he told me that it bothers him the way things ended./

he also said that no matter if he meets someone else he will always have the feeling that me and my kids are family...

well, i did not go there with him...
he should have put that into consideration ......

then he was whining about the fact that the kids would never call him dad and that maybe he should find someone and have his own kids ...

did not go there either....

today he told me that he got another ticket... for talking on his cell phone while driving at work...

i think that this man is such a habitual liar that he may have just said that just to justify why he did not call last night ....

but once again that is not my problem

thanks mamamac!!!

October 22, 2006
12:15 am
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needtoheal
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oops... sorry for hitting that button more than once......

October 22, 2006
2:14 am
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Zinnie
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This man to say the very least is a nut case.

Too many warning flags to point out at once, but...

1. Why is he 36 and still living at home with Mom & Dad? BIG FLAG

and 2. From all that you are saying above? He is either a. On drugs, b. Has another girlfriend, or c. BOTH

Change your phone numbers. Do not accept his text messages or e-mails, love your children and move on with your life.

Trust me - you will thank your lucky stars some day very soon that he is out of your life. In the very least? He's crazy.

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