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doubleloss, are you still there? I am similar to you
November 12, 2006
6:44 pm
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doubledilemma
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Hi everyone!

I had to post, mainly because doubleloss is so close to my situation...I have a husband of nearly 16 years and I nearly lost him over becoming besotted with a man who I met online on an adult dating site almost two years ago...I developed hypomania (overspending, promiscuity, heightened mood, not sleeping or concentrating) soon after I started emailing him and after he cut me off I was in denial and self-loathing about two things - the thing that had caused me to seek this site and also his rejection of me online due to scaring him with all my fantasies and desires and eventually came down from it all, realised he was never going to contact me again, managed to get a final email from him (via a friend) and developed severe depression for months. (Unlike you, I never met, chatted in real life or cammed with him, just two instant message conversations and email exchanges). I know it is terrible and how you can shut down. I know how it feels that you have nothing left to give because you have given your heart away to two men..so it is similar to you. I know the despair of feeling there is no solution...you know that you can't really have the happiness you want with hubby and you know that the other man is not worthy of us or is just cheating and lying to get rid of you, once he knows he has conquered you...that is apparently what men do, according to this guy Geoff Barker and what he has written in his book about me...You know that you can never fall in love again, because you feel like your heart has been wringed out and hung out to dry, as well as your guts stabbed. Doubleloss, your situation sounds worse than mine in a way, because you have neither of these men...and while I have my husband, I think at least you have ex-bf as a friend, you are not totally cut-off. I don't even have that from mine...I think about him all the time and who he is making love to (and wonder if he really is married as he told me by email last year).

It sounds as though you don't have children either and so you are also grieving the loss of the potential to be a mother, which is certainly something that I desired with this guy, since I also lusted after him so much too!

I don't know why God makes us suffer, perhaps it is just our turn to suffer, do you think? I have depression and loneliness and isn't it always the case that the people who need the most love, end up with the least?

Just wondering how you are dealing with it all now?

Regards

doubledilemma.

November 12, 2006
11:09 pm
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southgoingzax
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Just bumping this up, so you can see it, doubledilemma - it wasn't deleted....

as you addressed it to a specific person and she is not around much on the weekends, no one else responded. Sorry if you feel you got off on the wrong foot,

zax

November 12, 2006
11:16 pm
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doubledilemma
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No, it is O.K., I just was worried where it went to...is it hidden or something to reappear or is it because the title used her name that was inappropriate? Sorry, I am in Australia here and it is late Monday afternoon here already!

November 12, 2006
11:28 pm
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southgoingzax
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you should meet healin, she's in Australia too.

Threads just drop down on the list if there isn't any activity on them - you can find them by searching thread titles...I think it's fine to address threads to a specific person, she's just usually out on the weekends, and she hasn't been posting as much lately. I'm sure she'll see this when she gets back to her computer.

zax

November 13, 2006
12:30 am
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doubledilemma
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Thank you again zax, for explaining it all, I haven't opened a book all day and two big exams tomorrow!

Oh, the devastation we can cause ourselves when we don't know what we are doing!

November 13, 2006
7:30 pm
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doubleloss
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hi doubledilemma.
well, my future exhusband is and i hope will always be my friend, and xbf, i love him very much but he doesn't and no, i can't be his friend. things didn't end up good.

i'm not well today, i have good days, bad days, today is a very bad one. too much to feel, too much to look at, to much to face, and every time seems like something else comes up. i'm exhausted.

i hope you are able to really work things out with yuour husband, i never cheated on him or him on me, our breakup was for some other major issues (read...drowning in pain and confusion) I haven't posted there for a while but if you type "drowing" in the search box, it will appear.

being rejected is the worse thing i've ever felt, and i understand that even if your contact with that other guy was short, it cuts deep. how is your marriage now? i'm sure it's a strong one if you guys were able to weather that very bad storm.

November 14, 2006
2:27 am
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doubledilemma
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Hi doubleloss

Our marriage is fine...of course, except when I fantasise about "Mr Darcy" and having his babies instead of my husbands...I don't really miss Mr Darcy, because well, what is there to miss except a fantasy? My husband and I do not really have sex in the usual sense, but hey, that doesn't matter really in the long run, does it, if there is kissing and cuddling and I need therapy to come to terms with what a bad housewife I have been and that I will never be a mother...the only time now I miss what sex would be like with someone I love is if I read some saucy sex blog, like I did last night by this English girl who reviews adult toys and then I get a tad jealous wonder what is she doing that her body is being worshipped by a man and my 40 year-old body isn't and won't be and God knows how many women "Mr Darcy" has been with since I met him online and afterwards....

you know the last email I got from him last year (in July 2005) cuts like a knife, I think of the little phrases he used in it (the email which I could practically recite word for word last year), like a few minutes ago I remembered this one:

"Don't even think of coming to the UK, it would be a waste of your time, effort and money. You should concentrate your efforts on patching up your existing relationship or finding yourself a new one.."

Now, I guess that means he is a nice guy right, because he didn't want me to waste my time and money chasing him and he is more evolved than me in giving me advice...(funny though, I remember his profile reading when I first found it that "he could be discreet, if that is what is required"). The implication being that women stronger than me (like in the UK where they breed 'em tough) can handle getting it on the side from men like him if they wish, but that is not what little old me needs, because you see his profile said that he liked independent women and that "confidence was an aphrodisiac"...well I am not independent and confident I have never been....

anyway, most of the time I have no harm towards him and I wish I had never emailed him, I have lost so much, but why God rewards these people I want to find out before I die!!!

Sorry for rambling, but I am thinking about you doubleloss and am concerned for you, too!
Please correspond, because even though I am trying to do stuff through Barbara Rose's site, I still feel very, very alone and old and discarded by people.

G. xoxo

P.S. It was a miracle I was able to get through 5 hours of exams without losing it today, though I timed myself really badly and lost marks through not finishing the both papers! Must have been the weather and a little bit of courage I had as when I went to my car, my battery was flat too!

November 14, 2006
2:53 am
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doubledilemma
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OMG!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, doubleloss, I only just read your "drowing" post now with some replies...I am truly shocked for two reasons....one how similar you and I are in background and how my husband is similar, though while my marriage has been consummated, I could count the no. of times I have enjoyed sex with him on one hand in over 15 years, but I am shocked at your revelation about your marriage...the only thing that comes to mind for women like us is what is known as the "Madonna-Whore" complex...in that women like us are so respected and revered that our husbands can't view us sexually, it seems the more they love, the less they want to have intercourse...I know my husband has a dislike for it...I could make sure I am always healthy "down there" and make a nice bed, wear schoolgirl/fantasy stuff, etc but I think that aspect of our marriage has died, to be honest, because at 40, I just feel like so much of my life is gone and Mr Darcy saw right through me too!...

Please read about the Madonna_Whore Complex... also I study Italian Cinema with this terrific teacher and would you believe a few months ago we saw an Old Italian movie featuring the famous silver screen stars Marcello Mastroianni and Claudia Cardinale in the movie "Il Bel Antonio"...he was a great actor, but if you can get the movie out and find it with English subtitles, please watch it ladies and draw your own conclusions, bearing in mind what I have said, O.K.?

G.

November 15, 2006
3:00 am
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doubleloss
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dear doubledilemma.

well, i refuse to live a passionless sexless life...no more of that for me. i thought I didn't function but i was lucky to find out that i do. i still see my future ex-husband, we are in very good terms and he still is a sweetheart to me and treats me beautifully.

i am in a very very low, raw space, after my boyfriend dumped me...it is the most hurtful thing ever...but i don't regreat one minute i spent with him and he was a wonderful, patient and caring lover, at least i will always have that, and it restored my confidence in that area, too bad than he turn around and destroyed my other self confidence. but i am working at healing and getting better and i hope it works.

you know, i'm 39 and in spite of all the hurt and heart break and anguish and months of sleepless nights I am looking my best. i lost a lot of weight, my hair is long and shiny, my clothes are modern and i look 10 years younger than when i was 35. Not that i look 25, but i know i look waaaaayyyy better.

a few months after i separated i had a cyber fling with a welsh man, he had me at hello....but he was really bad news. i did meet him once and it was a royal disaster. he was a very charming man, very well spoken and educated, he would tell me poetry, but he was not a kind person. it hurt but it didn't affect me much really, i was sad for about 1 month after we stop contact and it wasn't anything too hard. I hope you can just let go of that short fling of yours. You sound attached to it, i think i understand, you were feeling something. I hope you and your husband can work things out. but then, it is a looong relationship w/o sex. Do you want him? really. The last 3-4 years i had ZERO desire for my fxh. that's the truth. i loved the cuddling and taking care of each other, but not one hormone of my body would react to him. we didn't kiss for years (french kiss) and i don't want that kind of relationship. I have no idea what his problem is...but i decided not to make it my problem anymore. I suggested having an open marriage and he didn't agree to it, so I chose to end things. It's one of the hardest things I had done, ever. I am sad, but inside me I have some calm about it.

I love italian cinema, in fact, my favourite movie of all times is "Cinema Paradiso", have you watched it? I looooooooooooove it!

what else do you study?

take care DD. DL

November 15, 2006
5:05 am
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doubledilemma
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D_D

I understand what you mean...but unless you have suffered obsessive-compulsive disorder (and that is why most people including my shrink of many years say is the reason I can't get over "Mr Darcy") well, it is hard to contemplate having those kind of feelings for anyone else remember, I never met him, he is in the UK, I am in Australia)...yes of course, everyone would prefer passion in their marriage and unfortunately I had to cheat and get manic and basically abuse myself and put myself in the gutter to find out I was normal sexually and while I had one man (a local guy I mean) who I met from the adult site on which I met Mr Darcy (well, cyber met) he wasn't so much a gentle lover, but aggressive and the best lover I have had, but I don't want to even see him again, even though he has emailed me to ask why I would want anyone else, but it was not complete lovemaking for me, perhaps for him, but anyway....

I can go without sex, I can masturbate, I can fantasise, I can watch porn if I really need to, but I cannot go without love and companionship and I don't have many friends, so I would literally just drown without hubby and he would too, so that is not an option...I have no desire to cheat at the moment either (I did have an injection of Depo Provera in case I started fooling around again and I didn't want to risk the pill and condoms and I have been silly in the past) but I don't know if I want my husband...so much to be disappointed about, so much I am ashamed of (like begging for expensive storage space to store all my stuff, notes, magazines, etc, which I never sort out) and now the image of this suave debonair English-raised Scotsman who is bedding everyone he can and was before he met me, if I had an ounce of grey matter to have worked it out then, but oh the naivety of married women like me stumbling on a sex site, but looking for new love! - the Martians who are reading this must be dying laughing at it!!!

I don't know if I desire hubby, he is not into kids and home improvement and when I saw Mr Darcy's profile, I could see that he wanted kids and he said he lived in a mansion, as well as being dashing, so of course I was hooked...with hubby, now that I don't work and have chosen to study, he resents doing stuff, though I am happy he takes up the rubbish at least...and I can't fault him, he is a stressful, demanding job and is self-employed...he is loving, he adores me and respects me and he has changed his tune and he says we will have children if we want them....the trouble is, he wants me to be convinced of wanting them and then to convince him and I don't have the confidence to do that...it sounds really weak and unliberated, but I need a man who says "Yes darling, let's do our best to try for a baby and you will be O.K. and I will take care of everything and everthing will be fine", but that ain't gonna happen, in the real world, methinks...I have never had that kind of reassurance from my husband...because deep down he would be having a child to please me, not himself and I don't have to confidence to say that to him...

Cinema Paradiso is my ALL TIME favourite movie hon, just the music has brought me to tears in the past, only not so much now, because I have my own situation to cry about now, if I wish...in fact I am blessed to have seen these movies over the years and been able to discuss them...have you seen the Director's Cut - which is the 3 hour version which goes further on from the edited mass-released version?

Best Wishes for now,

DoubleDilemma

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