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DOSE HE MEAN IT?
November 2, 2006
3:44 pm
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sheila06
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Myboyfriend have been together since 1998 and two weeks ago we had a falling out over the time I dont spend with him. To make a long story short. I ended our conversation by saying obviously I can't give you what you want and hung up on him. He salled that Monday following the saturday and I did not answer the phone he has not called or emailed since then. I broke our silence today by sending him an email telling him that he hurt me with the things he said sat night and how if he was'nt happy with me he should go find someone that makes him happy...his reply was "I plan 2-bye" just like that. My question is why did he not say Goodbye as in final. And should I be even more upset that he did not apologize for not hurting me. Silence is golden...should I just suck it up or go on? Please Help

November 2, 2006
3:52 pm
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taj64
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Hi Sheila, Sorry that was not the response you had hoped for but at short as it was, it was your answer. It speaks of someone who is angry and has made up their mind. To grovel or ask why or expect an apology is probably not a good idea. It is in his court to apologize but honestly the more effort you put into expecting an answer and more effort to go back and forth in banter is only going to cause more trouble than it is worth. By telling him if he was not happy with you, which is assumption, and to find someone to make him happy is implying a guilt trip or in small way to manipulate him. What was your motive? Was it truly in your heart for him to find someone else? Whe it is over, it is over and big way to get over is to just accept it and not analyze every word. He said it all - bye - even if it is short. Don't wast your time being upset over something you have no control over. There is always some regret even if is for the best when breaking up. Feeling regret is ok.

November 2, 2006
4:05 pm
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atalose
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I'm not sure what you mean by should you suck it up or go on.
I think taj is write, what was your real motive with the e-mail you sent? It sounds like you were expecting a much different response then the one you got.
If he told you he was upset with you for not spending enough time with him, and your response "obviously I can't give you what you want and hung up on him". To me, that means you were not willing to give him more of your time. You let him know where he stood with you and your relationship. That's not what he wants and is moving on to find what he wants. I wouldn't be waiting around for an apology, I'd be thinking about maybe giving one.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 2, 2006
4:30 pm
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sheila06
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I think I need to be more clear....He wants more of my time, he also wants a woman who he does'nt have to read her mind and a woman who does'nt play games. I dont know if that woman is alive but I told him maybe he should look for someone he does'nt have to do those things with. I called him in all sincere hopes and the time issue has been bothering him for a while. Believe me there is more to this story. The bottom line is from what was said to me Saturday he sounded frustrated and I simply said obviously I'm not giving you what you want and need. I have more in my life than just him and he wants all my time!

November 2, 2006
4:50 pm
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taj64
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OK then you have been clear. You are being forthcoming to him. He does need someone who will meet his needs. It doesn't sound like he can meet your needs either. At least he expressed what he wanted even if was not what you wanted or could give. I hope you know that is ok to express when you want something in a relationship. It is sad that he wants all of your time. You have set your boundaries and he had made up his mind that he intends to do as you requested. End of story to me. This is a long relationship though but even long relationships sometimes end with just a very short goodbye. No sense in having it drag out.

November 2, 2006
4:53 pm
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doubleloss
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sheila. it sounds like he does mean it.

now, if you honestly don't want things to end, if things were said out of anger, etc, perhaps you need to start a dialogue. If not, if he really doesn't meet your needs, let it go. no point dragging things out.

November 2, 2006
4:55 pm
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does it even matter to you whether he meant it or not ("Iplan2-bye") - if so .....

- WHY´s that ? -

my guess would be that he sounds frustrated because he cannot control you nor ... your time ("he wants ALL my time ...")...

and ... one more thing ... you did right by hanging up on him that saturday ("I obviously cannot give you what you want") .... because ... its true ... you cannot give him what he wants .... if you do, there would be nothing left of ... "you".

Let´s put "you" in the "hot seat" for a moment. You find yourself now sitting on a red, fluffy chair. There is another person sitting in front of you. It´s a woman. She is asking you :

"do YOU mean it ("the g.byes")?

"is there still something you want from him or from this on/off-relationship (friendship) ... if so : what ?"

"Do you have him "hooked" or does he have you "hooked" ?

what will you answer ?

November 2, 2006
5:05 pm
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i have been that guy that wanted to spend more time with his girlfriend because she was going out all the time. Her response was very similiar in that except she didn't tell me to go find someone that meets my needs. However i did tell her i wanted a break because i wasnt happy. She said fine and a day later she wanted to reconcile and was willing to do whatever to make things work. That was the beginning of the very long ending. My advice to you would be to talk and try to understand each other concerns and frustrations. If you cant do that than the problems will persist.

November 2, 2006
5:12 pm
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taj64
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Also if you give an ultimatum like the both of you are doing then you should be prepared to stand by your word. Otherwise they are just words and not to pay attention to.

November 2, 2006
5:17 pm
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sheila06
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But, he said goodbye. So he must mean it. It is in his corner now and I really dont want to stir up any more emotions in him right now. I know he is angry for a lot of reasons. But, I now he said what he said out of anger, but I wont say a word. If it ends it ends, I respect his decision. I love him still and we have alot of history.

November 2, 2006
5:22 pm
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taj64
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It sounded as you had already ended it. I cannot give you what you want. go find someone else. That is definately a decision made by you. All relationships have history, but was it all good, was it full of problems? You can still love a person and know that the relationship is not going to work. Maybe in your relationship, this is not clear that it is expected to be running back each time someone says this is it!! It is emotional blackmail. To get the other person to listen. Unfortunately is also is not a good way to communicate. And this could be the problem in your relationship in the first place. History is not really a good reason to stick it out if it is not truly working out and you know this deep down.

November 2, 2006
5:28 pm
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Emotional blackmail is the perfect way to put it, and doing that usually turns off the person on the receiving end.

November 2, 2006
5:55 pm
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sheila06
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All of you are right. I dont think he will be back. I saw this coming a long time ago. I told him that we would come to this point and we have. It's just a hard pill to swallow. Yes, we both made each other very happy, he was everything to me and I to him. I guess instead of having a little he wanted a lot and I can't do that right now. I will always love him and yes, I miss him and this is not going to be easy. But I will move on. Thank you all so much! Hard letting go.

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