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Doris Day says WELCOME ABOARD to Kitchendiva and everybody else!
October 7, 2008
6:59 am
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DorisDay
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I have been so swamped with school, work, and the marathon training. I will apologize in advance for not following everybody's stories!

Okay...anybody out there mourning over a cheating partner? Don't know what you are going to do? Do you think the end of your world is here?

I am happy to tell you it is NOT. I caught my three year love of my life cheating a year ago. I jointed this forum destroyed. Six weeks after the split from the love of my life, I had a complete hysterectomy (and I mean COMPLETE).

I was in mourning, my health had soured, I was in agony. I missed everything about the love of my life.

Here is what you do to get over the pain. And PLEASE follow this to the letter:

1. NO CONTACT. NONE. This means no emails, no texts, no ecards, no messages, NADA.

2. GET BUSY. Walk. Run. Do situps. Take out cans of soup from the pantry and start using them as weights. IF you can afford a gym, go.

3. Take the dog for a walk, preferably in a dog park. Animal lovers are wonderful people. Meet new friends.

4. Plant flowers.

5. Take vitamins. Rid your body of processed foods. Drink water. ELIMINATE ALCOHOL.

Honestly, anyboy who is a cheater is not worth one of your tears.

Been there many times my friends. You can get over the trauma, I PROMISE!

LOVE TO ALL!

October 7, 2008
10:13 am
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samantha2
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Hi Doris!!

So good to hear from you! You are a breath of fresh air to bring light and sunshine to us all!

I'm still struggling here - I gave in to the crying and begging and agreed that if he went to counseling I would consider at least seeing where it would go. It's been a little rocky, but he keeps on going back, and things have definitely gotten better. I am helping coach cross country this year, so we do that together, more or less. He does high school and I am with the middle school, so there are times we are doing the same thing and other times we go in different directions. We'll see what happens.

Work is tremendously busy - we are in a compliance monitoring year (audit) so that occupies a good part of my brain lately and will until March. All special education laws and paperwork have changed as of July, so teachers have to be trained. No one has time to do the changes because we are too busy being trained. By the time we are trained, the rules will change and the cycle will start again.

J's son was hired as asst. principal here - lovely. He may be ok, but I don't trust him, so I generally stay away from him if I can help it. I don't think he runs to J like the daughter did when I worked with her because nothing comes back to me, but I still keep my distance, at least for now.

Good luck on your marathon training! I will be thinking of you on the 26th. I stick to the 5K and occasional 10K - I admire you for your dedication!

Things have been so crazy busy that I haven't posted much lately, but I do get on and read pretty regularly.
I hope everything keeps going so well for you, and that we all learn from you. You give us hope!

October 9, 2008
4:52 am
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surfgirl
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Doris Day-

Sounds like you are too wrapped in yourself to think about your real issues. There is a fine line between loving others too much and complete denial. Why other would you "apologize" for not being there for others?

I totally agree with taking care of your body, but to tell everyone to follow that to the letter may not work for everyone.

Don't mistake physical work( which I agree is the best medicine) for work on your emotional issues.

Personally, I think you are doing a great thing to better yourself by making your body as healthy as possible. But in your words, I think you have not dealt with the emotional issues that propel you to still be on this site.

Talk about the rest of it and we will all be here for you!

Surfgirl

October 10, 2008
4:10 am
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DorisDay
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Surfgirl

My journey has been a long one..and clearly you have not followed it.

I check in to the forum only on occasion. I gave a "readers digest" version of what helped me through my hard times. The advice is there for the taking...

Too wrapped up in myself? Damn right I am. It is about time. I have dealt with my real issues through therapy..lots of it...and I am happier than I ever been. I have been battling codependency for a long time, and yes..every day is a struggle. I chose to live and not mope. IT took a long time.

Sorry you took my post the wrong way. It was only meant to help.

October 10, 2008
6:44 am
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CAMER
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I saw this post yesterday and didn't want to chime in.....but, i think too Surf, you don't know what ((Doris)) went thru from the getgo and it seemed like you were attacking her.... just a bit, just by your "wording".

I love when Doris posts, she is sooo much of an inspiration and everything she posts is about how far along she has come, in a good way...and yes, Doris's posts are inspiring!!!

((camer)))

October 10, 2008
9:18 am
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DorisDay
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Hey Camer!

I am so far from perfect..but hey..I am trying. Of course I have my down days..of course of course of course. Of course codependency lurks right over my shoulder. Of course I miss Dr. Ex at times.

However, I am perservering. I have learned that waking up in the morning is truly a gift...and the fact I have my body functioning is a blessing.

I was watching the news this morning and a high school student, paralyzed from the waist down, plays football. He found that being on the ground and lunging to tackle the offense WORKS to his advantage. That was so inspirational to me. I have had a tough month with my thesis and the training, that I like to come here when I am UP and spread some cheer. You remember how I was just a year ago..I thought I would die. I had never cried so hard in my life.

People can either read my posts, move or, or reflect. It is there choice. But to suggest I have deep emotional issues that I may be ignoring is far from true. The true part is I am NOT ignoring them...I deal with them through therapy and exercise.

I think I have been here for others, but of late I have done more lurking than posting. Sometimes 24 hours in a day isn't enough, but I truly value this forum and the people I have gotten to know here.

Love you guys.

October 10, 2008
9:19 am
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DorisDay
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and I meant "their choice" not "there" choice. Duh!

October 10, 2008
9:40 am
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Spankymarie
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Surfgirl,

I know Doris got lots of encouragement and wisdom here and now she gives it back. I think clearing yourself physically clears the path for emotional healing. Doris Day shares what helped her along the way. What helped her to NOT obsess. What helped her to let go. She shares this stage of her recovery, which won't be for everyone. Not everyone can handle that. Not for those that are still stuck jumping from man to man, same drama different leading man. Not for those just realizing what kind of man they are getting over, not for those not realizing it's the same kind of man AGAIN and that we pick them. Not for those that might be miserable and envious of someone that is further along than that. She is so past that. Doris shares this stage of her healing at a point when many people at that point leave the forum and get on with living. I'm grateful that Doris comes here to share when she does.

Doris - I love the cans of soup!! And ditto on the alcohol. Nothing clouds our thinking like alcohol. Thank you for being here Doris. You give me hope.

October 10, 2008
9:46 am
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DorisDay
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Oh Spanky..I came from a functioning alcoholic home (my dad), have been married a few times...all for validation. So much drama, men, more drama. My mind just craved it..and like a drug, it is EASY to slip backwards! My dad left us when I was 11, and brought his mistress into our home to accomplish his move out. At 11, I started into a downhill spiral of anorexia. THAT still plagues me. Food = the enemy, even with all my running.

So each day it is a battle. But you got to persevere.

As Mary J. Blige sings....

"no time for moping around, are you kiddin?"

October 10, 2008
12:10 pm
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camino
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I rarely write but always read Doris’ threads because they are full of encouragement, self-awareness and good energy. While reading them I smile, reflect and sometimes even laugh out loud, but always enjoy the open communication, the intention to share to help others and the witty style. Thanks Doris.

October 10, 2008
12:32 pm
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DorisDay
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Hi Camino! Thank you! I just thought I would share what worked for me...and as Ma-Strong taught ME..NO CONTACT!

I cannot believe it will be a year next week. Wow.

Hey time flies when you are having fun!

October 10, 2008
12:37 pm
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CAMER
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yes, Doris, i remember when you first came here....and yes, you did the "no contact" and that was the best thing ever!!! you truely are an inspiration to this website!! and yes, a year ago, wow, how time flies.....heck I have been here for mannnnny years and still need this website.....cuz i tend to get back into my old coda ways, so this website is a blessing to me!!!
((((((doris))))))

(((camer)))

October 10, 2008
2:45 pm
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surfgirl
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Surf- Hi all.
I just re read what I posted and thought my g*d, that WAS bitchy. I don't know what I was trying to say at the time but I obviously did not word it well. Apologies!

I actually related to much of what Doris said. I have a history of codependent and addictive personality. One thing I did when I went through a nasty divorce and custody battle was to work out. It was the best thing I could do for myself. But I started to rely on it to much. I trained for a marathon and spent every waking moment exercising. I went from an eating disorder to exercise disorder. I had that in my mind when I was reading that. Doris, sorry, my mind was not focusing on your advice, I was thinking about myself.
As far as focusing on yourself-I don't think you can do that enough. I am for the first time doing that and it feels damn good.
I apologize, I just read my post again and really have no idea why I wrote what I did. I obviously need to work through quite a bit yet.

Surf

October 10, 2008
2:54 pm
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surfgirl
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Doris-
I just walked away from the computer and realized why I lashed out. Your pen name is Doris Day. My mother always looked like the real Doris Day and loved to point out how she was so much like her. Far from it actually. My mother is a patronizing monster. I think I took your advice about the way I would want my mother to tell me how to heal myself. Sorry Doris!!
I feel terrible right now. You obviously have been through a lot and here to help. I hope I DO get to the point you are at. Now that I step back I see just how right you are about what you said. Thank you.

Surf

October 10, 2008
4:31 pm
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DorisDay
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(((((((((((((((SURFGIRL!)))))))))))

No worries love! I am sorry what you too have gone through. Life sure is a roller coaster at times, I know that for sure!

I fight each day with demons....I am still working on myself, a project in progress that is for certain!

You hang in there...

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

October 10, 2008
4:49 pm
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surfgirl
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Doris-
You just completely changed my mind on Doris day(The image I apparently had in my head.) Wow. That was rather telling to me just how much I can get angry by experiencing something that just REMINDS me of my mom!
You actually sound like a great inspiration and I hope to hear more about you and your success.

Hugs to you Doris Day!

Surf

October 10, 2008
5:05 pm
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surfgirl
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Spankymarie-

You were right in everything you said. I was lashing out not at Doris but my own demons. I am in the process of working through yet another bad relationship, and I am probably the poster child for finding unhealthy relationships right now. I am having a lot of break throughs in therapy and especially this sight. The advice I have found on this site has been invaluable and it is encouraging to see I am not alone.
I appreciate your post and welcome your input. Sometimes I need to get my head out of my theoretical ass.
Thanks,
Surf

October 10, 2008
7:36 pm
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DorisDay
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I am a huge dog lover..that is why I picked her name for this forum. She has done alot for those little darlings. I have 3...and they are all so spoiled!

October 10, 2008
8:02 pm
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surfgirl
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Doris-
That is actually very sweet. We lost our dog last year so know I only have my two boys to spoil. But they are fun and well worth it!! Kuddos.

Surf

October 10, 2008
9:32 pm
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Spankymarie
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Oh surfgirl, I know I know. Telling others THEY are in denial. LOL. No worries, I have done that, too!! Sometimes it seem that the very thing we lash out about is what we hate the most about ourselfs. Until we can admit it. (((surfgirl)))

October 10, 2008
10:47 pm
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surfgirl
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Spankymarie-
So true. I seem to have lived my life by a different set of rules than others. Things that I would look at others and say, "don't do that! It isn't healthy for you!" Are things I would do myself. Even when I knew a particular behavior was toxic or unhealthy, not changing it myself, but in others. So much for self realization!
Trough therapy I have come to understand my issues and been able to finally start talking honestly about my childhood and my ongoing problems, but I am still at a bit of a stand still trying to apply them to myself. I know I have repeated toxic relationships to try and fill the void from my childhood, I have addictive behaviors that are my way of trying to "control" parts of my life I can not control, it is just really hard affecting those changes. My age, yea I am 38, is no excuse for being in a rut. I have a lot of life left to live and am determined to not continue down the same path.
I have been amazed the breakthroughs I have made from this site in the short time I have been on it. One thing my therapy lacks is the "group" discussion. For where I live it is not a possibility. I am in a rather remote area and even to get to therapy is a nice 80 mile trip. That may be why this site has become so valuable to me. So keep posting!!! I love to hear others perspective, stories and advice. You are a dear. Thank you.

Surf

October 11, 2008
10:27 am
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Celtic1
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Hey Doris,

YOU SOUND GREAT!!!! I'm sure I've told you many times in the past but I need to say it again....you have been such an inspiration to me ;0)

Celtic

October 11, 2008
11:52 am
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Cleopat70
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October 11, 2008
11:53 am
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Cleopat70
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Oh. It didn't post. What i was going to say was i have lots of man drama. Doris, thank you for sharing your story here.

October 11, 2008
2:18 pm
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DorisDay
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OH yes, I am drama central with men! That is why I like my dogs so much!

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