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Don't we all do this?
November 7, 2004
8:28 pm
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on my way
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Don't we all have a hard time letting go, going back, trying to start again with the same person, work through hurt, set ourselves up for rejection...what type of person does NOT do this? WHEN does it become unhealthy? Because everyone does this to some degree, and we all learn from it don't we? WHERE does a 'healthy' person draw the line? I know it is differnt for everyone...yet we are the same.?

November 7, 2004
8:31 pm
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sdesigns
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I think a healthy person knows when enough is enough and walks away clean, none of this going back and forth stuff. At least that's what I think- I'm one of the ones who can't let go and has to go back for more of the same.

November 7, 2004
9:10 pm
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It is so easy to KNOW what to do, isn't it? Doing it is another story altogether. So I wonder if this means there is an imbalance between emotions and knowing the right thing to do...as in being more emotion based, or is it a need we try to meet? I am so confused at times.

November 7, 2004
9:17 pm
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Anonymous
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I believe that part of the confusion sets in when we say "go back". I know we mean it as in "go back to my boyfriend" or "take back my girlfriend", but the word "back" doesn't fit, and in the end we take it too literally.

There is NO going back. That's why the past is the PAST. You can only begin from where you are in the present, and hope to move in a new direction in your future.

I hope this makes sense.

Ren'ai

November 7, 2004
9:21 pm
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Zinnie
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Personally? Only once, and I was very young.

Now - nope. However, I have been known to steam-roll through life.

November 7, 2004
9:22 pm
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on my way
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Thanks Ren'ai this does make sense, and lends a differnt perspective. You are right.

November 8, 2004
5:08 pm
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Anonymous
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You are very welcome. I need reminders as well. There is great importance in valuing the past for what you can learn from it. Using one's past can lead to discovery of a new future. Still, it doesn't make things any easier.

I wish it did...

Ren'ai

November 8, 2004
5:12 pm
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I think that it is more easy for me to forget all the rejection and hurt, to have a little bit of affection, I am that pathetic. The sad part is that I have attention from other guys but it seems I only want it from the ones I know will hurt me

November 8, 2004
5:46 pm
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SassyAlex
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Yes, I think everyone does it to a degree. But, the question that comes up on this board often is, when is it putting yourself out there for another person and when is it abusive or codependent? I think there are clearly cases we can look at and say That's not healthy, but there's such a large area of grey, not even taking into account all the personal feelings and emotions that screw you all up when you're wrapped in the middle of it.

November 8, 2004
5:55 pm
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Anonymous
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I think only you can determine if it is healthy or not. I mean people can tell you until they are blue in the face that something isn't healthy, but it isn't until you see it and believe it that it changes.

November 8, 2004
7:05 pm
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cityflyer
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Renai is so right. you canĀ“t go back to how it was. why the break up then? It will never be exactly the same. Change is required and evolving together with better mutual understanding of each other.

My ex said she wanted the ME of old, fall in love again like we did 8 yrs ago . I said tht was impossible. Situation is different, that I want to see the reality and not create a fairy tale.

City

November 8, 2004
7:12 pm
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workinonit
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I don't think anyone of us would think about leaving if we weren't ready for some type of change but where does the desire for change come from?

I see so many of us go through the, " I left but now I want them back" thing. So why did we go in the first place? We must have known things were not right?

Is it the innate feelings of fear associated with change? Is this fear actually capable of keeping us tied to the behavior we really abhor? I think so and i think this is where our focus should be.

OVERCOMING THE FEAR OF CHANGE!!!!

November 8, 2004
7:52 pm
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on my way
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I agree with SassyAlex, there is meaning in what you said "not even taking into account all the personal feelings and emotions that screw you all up when you're wrapped in the middle of it." Maybe that is where the problem originates from, and then from that point boundaries become a bit obtuse. Focus turns inward and objectivity is lost , maybe?

November 8, 2004
7:58 pm
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Anonymous
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I have to agree with onmyway, objectivity definately gets lost in the puddle of emotions. I know I always went back because I lack self-worth, he makes me a better person and actually had me convinced I wouldn't realize my full potential without him! HA! Now that I detached myself I feel like I'm thinking clear-headed again and for much longer than ever, I'd get some sense and leave then he'd get back in and I would get all foggy again... of course he was a manipulative/abusive/creep narcissist that had this down to a T. But I was so afraid of the unknown and didn't want to admit that I was afraid of the future without him. I have to remind myself everyday on the hour pretty much of what it was like and repeat my new mantra that no I don't want this life. It's so easy to know what your supposed to do. I knew what I was supposed to do but didn't feel it. I think there's a big difference.

November 8, 2004
11:32 pm
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workinonit, fear is a big factor I think as well, and/or being "comfortable" with the way things were, so not being willing to strike out again and start all ove is not so much an option. Some of the old ways were comfortable, but not productive. Staying "inside the box" is easier than stepping out. Everyone here has such great insight. I have learned alot just in the last few days. And, most of you are probably younger than me, so I commend you on your widom at such a young age.

November 9, 2004
9:23 am
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Cici
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This is interesting. I never had this problem before, though, before I met my baby's father. I always broke up with people and never looked back, never called again, never did the grovelling and crying thing.....

Something changed after I got separated from my husband. I don't know. I used to have way too much pride to do this to myself. Now it seems like I have no pride at all. The more ashamed I feel of how I am acting the faster I get back to feeling like I want to be with the bad man again.

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