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Don't want to "relapse"
November 20, 2001
11:59 am
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Starbaby
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OK...here's my updated situation. I've been doing really well with handling my co-dependent issues with my daughter's father. I've been doing a lot of reading and soul searching and feel much stronger than I was just a few months ago. But I think of myself in the "recovery" process and I'm facing a situation that could possibly bring me back down. (hence the term relapse)
My daughter's dad wants to be in her life, so I hear from him everyday. For the past few months, I've been distancing myself from him (we no longer live together) and I've started working on my life and feeling a lot less guilt about that. So now, what happens? He winds up in jail. He got caught driving w/o a license(originally suspended for not paying a ticket). I'm not sure how much time he'll get...maybe 6 months.

Anyway, here come my feelings of guilt again. I don't know how to handle the situation. He calls and says the usual "I'm going to change this time....just give me a chance." I recognize that as what I call jailhouse paranoia..not wanting to be left there alone. But I do feel my heartstrings being pulled because I know that if he doesn't talk to me, he will have no one to talk to and I feel sorry for him.

What do you all think? I rationalize my talking to him that at least I'm "safe" because it is only over the phone and I can still do what I want while he's in there, but I don't want to end up in the same situation when he gets out.

Do you think I should just cut the contact entirely?

If someone is in a co-dependent relationship, is it possible to repair it or should it be completely ended?

I hope you all can follow me...I think I've been rambling. 🙂 Thanks!

November 20, 2001
12:09 pm
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Molly
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Do not accept the phone calls, he has to call collect right? no, no, no, no, no, no........... Give him the rules, you get out of jail, keep your nose clean for 2 years, hold a job for two years, and maybe I'll think about it. The phone calls, are all talk, and it is jail house paranoia, let him sit there, let him get counseling there, let him suffer the way they are supposed to suffer while incarcerated. No sympathy, he made a choice, like the others he made, wasn't thinking about visiting daughter, when he committed a crime. I have watched men controll their women from jail, he can undermine you over the phone, promise you the sun and moon and stars, don't fall for the pity party. Don't take the calls, don't write letters, other than the one demand. That is it. If this is your dream your not dreaming big enough, get it? Keep in mind, ssdd, same s*** different day, ok?

November 20, 2001
12:26 pm
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Starbaby
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Molly
Thanks for the reality check. I guess I was wearing my blinders and hadn't thought about the effect he could still have on me in there.

In that short reply, you've given me a lot to think about.
Thanks!

November 20, 2001
12:37 pm
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Ladeska
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Regarding....."If someone is in a co-dependent relationship, is it possible to repair it or should it be completely ended?"

The deal is - you're applying the same old equation to that - you do all the work and he sings the same old bullshit songs. So, in that case, the answer to the question is - No, it won't work and it won't ever work. He has done squat at getting any better and his present condition is evidence of that. He's all talk and believe me when I say - they brag to each other in there about how they are pulling the wool over the eyes of their old lady....

Regarding...."My daughter's dad wants to be in her life, so I hear from him everyday." That "might be" very well true....could be, but probably not. The real truth is probably something like - I want to get to mom and will do it through the child. And mom's heart is sooo very pliable to that one because we so want them to love their child. But, what if that's really not the case at all? Loving someone because we think they are cute is one thing, but loving them in a real committed way - is another. Some men just don't attach to their children in the latter way. They are too busy being "on the take" in life and using their charm to get by. And we mothers, just don't want to see who they really are, consequently we drag ourselves and our children through the mud chasing after them and their lies. Pretty sad state of affairs when it ends up being years of this. So, open your eyes real wide here and answer your own questions....who's doing the work and who's shooting off their mouth?

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