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don't want to lose him
May 4, 2010
12:08 am
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chinadoll
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I am feeling sad and anxious right now, and I mainly need to get my feelings out. I can't go into a lot of details, for security reasons, but I will do my best to explain the situation.

I am in a long-distance relationship. He is on the East Coast, and I am on the West Coast. This is the best relationship I have ever had, and I want to keep it. Ever since we first knew each other, I knew in my heart that he is "The One". He is kind to me, considerate and supportive. He encourages me to do my best, and I do all of the same things for him.

I have no doubts in my mind about him. We are committed to each other. I have no worries about infidelity. We have vowed to stay faithful to each other. We had both been cheated on in our previous relationships and we agreed from the very beginning that we don't want to put each other through that.

We are both in the military. I am also halfway through completing graduate school, and I am hoping to move to the East Coast when I am finished. He is on active duty right now, and he is going to be deployed around the end of the year. This part I can deal with, as he and I always talk about possibly one or the other being deployed, maybe even at the same time.

I just got off the phone with him a couple of hours ago. We had not been able to talk very much these past couple of weeks because of the 3 hour time difference, he works second shift, and he has been busier more than usual this week. When he calls, I am so happy to hear from him. We laugh, joke, and talk about lots of things.

What is making me sad and anxious right now is that he told me tonight that he is considering taking a job overseas after he finishes his deployment, which will have him out of the country for another year after he returns home. I was hoping to be relocated to the East Coast when he returns from his deployment. I have a couple of friends on the East Coast, but not in the immediate area where I plan to move to, which is near where he lives now.

I understand his reasons for wanting to take the job. He will be able to pay off all of his debts, and he will have that work experience to add to his resume. I would never consider telling him not to take the job. If I had his credentials, I would probably consider it myself. I just wish it weren't out of the country and for a whole year.

I don't want the additional and continued distance to cause us to break up, due to the circumstances. I was hoping that once we are living near each other, we could possibly talk about getting married and having a family together.

I will be flying out to the East Coast at the end of the month and spending a few days with him. I want to tell him what I think and feel, but I don't want it to cause a ton of stress for him either, since he already has so much on his mind. I want us to be able to enjoy our time together. We've always been able to communicate with each other really well, and we have always been totally honest with each other, but this subject is going to be really hard for me without getting emotional. I don't want that to cause him to feel like the long-distance relationship is too hard.

I am trying to keep myself busy and stay positive, so that these thoughts don't affect me in a negative way. I appreciate that I have him in my life and don't want to lose sight of that. I keep telling myself that if it's meant to be, it will be. I miss him very much and keep hoping for the best.

I don't put him above everything else, and I am not dependent on him for my happiness. I tell him that I can wait to see him, but I don't like to. I know I could live without him, but I don't want to.

May 4, 2010
6:57 am
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CAMER
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chinadoll, how long have you both beeing dating exclusively? and were you seeing eachother alot, b4 he was deployed? and have you both in the past talked about marriage, and family etc? just so this is all not new news to him??

May 4, 2010
10:52 am
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chinadoll
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Hi Camer,

This is a new relationship, that started out as a friendship. We have known each other for a few months, and decided to be exclusive less than two months ago.

He's not deployed yet, he's just stationed on the opposite side of the U.S. from me right now, but he will be getting deployed out of the country at the end of the year, which would only be for a few months. It's for after he gets back from this deployment that he wants to take this job that will have him immediately leave again out of the country for another year.

It's not new news to him that I want to get married and have a family. We've talked about it from time to time, but when we first started talking about it, we spoke of things in general, not about us specifically. He seems more like he wants to take his time, to see how things are going to work out. We have both been divorced, and he has a child from a previous marriage. I don't have any kids, but I had two miscarriages when I was married. My ex was very abusive to me, and I lost the babies early in the pregnancies.

I've been careful to not try to "rush" toward and outcome, and not to put any pressure on him about the relationship. We've been taking things slow, mainly due to the distance. We are only able to see each other every couple of months or so, because of our crazy schedules.

We try to talk/text/email or Skype to keep in touch as often as possible. We usually text every day, even if we can't call. When he is not able to call or text, he'll send me an email to tell me what he is doing. He worries that I think he is avoiding me, which I never worry about that. I am just as busy, there are days I spend the whole day at the library doing research.

My plans to move to the East Coast has more to do with employment/career opportunities. There are more jobs in my field out there than over here right now, and additional school options if I decide to continue. I was not initially planning to move there just for him, as we both know that being in the military can have us going anywhere at any time.

He's not as open with talking about his feelings, as most guys seem to be that way. He's a military police officer, so he has a tendency in front of other people to be very focused and "tough", but when it's just the two of us, he's able to let his guard down more and he can be very sweet and caring. And he will hold my hand and give me kisses and hugs in public :)! It's like he is different at work, but then, I can say the same for myself, being that I am also in the military.

May 4, 2010
10:59 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I think you have a right to state what your goals in life are. I also think this is one of those times you are going to just have to see how it plays out. You are pretty much talking two years before you could marry and start a family at this point. A lot can happen in two years. Each of you could meet someone else. I know that doesn't help immediately. I am sorry. I wish I had better advice.

Bitsy

May 4, 2010
11:41 am
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chinadoll
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Thanks Bitsy,

I understand what you are saying, and I realize all of what you said. I know I can't predict the future. None of us can.

He and I talk about our goals all the time. This one about his taking the job overseas, I didn't expect. He only told me about it yesterday, so he probably heard about it from someone and started thinking it over. I think for me, it's still sinking in... the possibility.

He does tell me about all of his plans, which is a good thing. My ex-husband kept a lot of secrets from me, and he was not supportive of my goals. I had missed out on a lot of good job opportunities because of all of the drama he had put us through. I concentrated more on being supportive of him at the time, that I neglected myself, and now trying to catch up.

I think when I see my boyfriend, I will try to talk out this situation with him, so that he at least will know how I feel. We have both always been totally honest with each other, and I wouldn't be honest if I keep quiet. To expose my feelings is to risk rejection...and I haven't scared him away yet :), so maybe it will all be ok.

This will give me time to put my feelings into words and think of how it's best to express myself. I've always had a difficult time with speaking about my feelings and describing them for other people to understand. I've always excelled academically. I've been told that intellectually, it's probably off the charts...it's my emotional expression that needs a lot of work. It's like I know how I feel, but can't tell others how I feel, so I keep it inside.

** now taking a deep breath**

I mainly needed to sort this out with myself, thanks everyone.

{{CAMER}} {{BITSY}}

Any other suggestions/advice would be appreciated.

May 4, 2010
3:13 pm
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StronginHim77
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If I have followed your posting correctly, you have known this man for a few months, thus choosing to become "exclusive" with one another, after just about a month. Have I got that right?

Now, after two months of exclusive, long-distance contact via email, texting, skype, etc., you are already thinking in terms of marriage and children with this man.

Let me be direct: IT'S TOO SOON. You don't even know this man. Not at all. It take a minimum of one+ years of daily contact with a person to BEGIN to know them. Sometimes, (particularly with abusers or the personality disordered), you don't find out what's inside the "package" until after saying "I do."

So, I would caution you to put on the brakes. Your expectations are WAY AHEAD of where they should be for a solid, healthy relationship.

It is obvious that this man's priorities do not include marriage/children at this time. He is deliberately considering a job overseas which will keep a solid distance between you both. THINK ABOUT THAT. And remember that actions speak louder than words.

He knows that you, two, could be in close contact on a very steady basis, if he did NOT accept this overseas position, following his deployment. Yet, he is taking it. In short his priorities are NOT lined up with yours. Listen to what this is telling you, before you get too deeply involved or hurt.

Again, it is much, much too soon to be considering long-term commitment and possible marriage to a man of whom you know so little, firsthand. It is easy to project a great relationship long distance. All of us can do that. It is the "up close and personal" daily contact that tells the true tale.

Please take a step back and rethink this?

- Ma Strong

May 4, 2010
7:55 pm
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CAMER
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chinadoll, the thing that caught my eye was only dating exclusively for a few months, thats not a long time to even think of marriage, just my opinion...I think you have to go thru at least a full year or longer, get thru the important things, birthdays, holidays, who visits and see's who on which holiday and what not, it takes so much time and energy to know a person thru all the seasons and there likes and dislikes.

I'd just slow things down a bit and adding that your bf is over on the other side of the coast, doesn't help. Take things slow, let things bloom and in time see how the feelings are portrayed.

I wish you the best!

May 5, 2010
12:50 pm
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chinadoll
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Hi Camer and Ma and everyone,

I probably should have been more clear that I was not thinking of getting married right away..but hopefully someday. I know that we have to take more time to get to know each other. All of this that I posted is in my head, I haven't mentioned any of this to him yet.

And I do want to take more time to get to know his son also. He has primary custody of his son, ever since his son was a baby. His ex-wife (son's Mom) left them when their son was a baby, and moved in with another man when he and his ex were still married. Ever since they divorced right after that, she's not really in their son's life, but she could be if she wants to be, she just doesn't make him a priority. His son is very sweet and a good kid. His son will be staying with my boyfriend's parents while he is deployed.

I have met my boyfriend's parents and his son, and they were really nice to me. I am the first girlfriend that he has brought over to meet his family in maybe 6 years or more, even though we both had dated other people before we met. His parents said it must mean he is serious about me.

Yes, I am thinking everything through, and taking in everything that everyone is saying. I know it is too soon right now.

I think that my first reaction when he told me about this job, that I was sad about the continued distance, but I won't know what he really wants to do until I talk with him. He might not even take it. I know he was thinking that he would like to pay off all of his debts in full (mostly student loans), he is doing well financially, but he always wants to make sure that he has enough to provide for his son and save more for his son's future college fund and all of that. He's always thinking ahead, and likes to have a plan B, plan C, and plan D.

So far, he has all of the qualities that I am looking for in a long-term partner, and he and I have a lot in common. Our personalities are somewhat similar, we are both focused, quiet, and calm. He's never raised his voice to me and we both listen to each other and give each other a chance to say what is on our minds before talking.

But, yes, I am keeping my mind open. I am trying not to get my hopes up too much. I was not putting any expectations on him that we would get married. I was thinking to myself that if I ever got married again, I would like it to be to him. Like I said, we had talked about it a little bit before, but we did not have any real plans. I have 3 more semesters before I finish school anyway.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens! 🙂

{{HUGS}}

May 5, 2010
3:13 pm
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sexychoclady
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I agee with eveyone else!!! I amtoo foggy to comment in detail..But i wanted to add u seem like a smart girl stay true to your self and keep posting thoughts to me i become more clear. Warmest Wishes!!!

May 9, 2010
1:25 pm
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chinadoll
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Thanks sexychoclady!

Sometimes I get carried away with my thoughts, and I have to slow down and relax.

My ex was very abusive to me, emotionally, verbally, mentally, physically...I automatically think the worst when I get anxious. I don't get anxiety all the time, but when I do, it's pretty strong.

Even though I have done counseling in the past and have made a lot of improvements, it's still hard for me to stop the negative thinking, since he did that to me for so long. It's something I have to keep working on.

June 2, 2010
12:36 pm
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chinadoll
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Hi everybody,

I just wanted to send an update about this situation that I was sad about earlier.

Well, I just got back from my trip from visiting with my boyfriend. He and I talked about if he takes this overseas job after he comes back from his military deployment, what will happen to "us". He still wants to take the job if they offer it to him.

All I told him was that I was sad at first, since I will miss him. I didn't say anything about marriage or babies or any of that, since it's too soon. He said that he would be allowed to get time off once in a while to come back to the States to visit me and his son/family. I didn't know that, I thought it was for a year straight.

He said it does not have anything to do with me. He said that he would miss me and his son a lot, but he wants to concentrate on paying his student loans off as quickly as possible and keep saving money for his son's future college fund. He was the first one in his family to go to college, and didn't know about scholarships & grants, and that's why he has student loans still to pay.

I also could get deployed at anytime, since I am in the miltary as well. We both agreed that we don't want to break up, so we are going to just enjoy being together as much as we are able to, as long as this lasts.

We both have a lot of things that we want to accomplish. I still plan to move to the East Coast, even if he leaves the country for a while. I might continue on in school for a 2nd Master's, we'll see. We don't want to hold each other back from anything, cuz that will just cause resentment and bad feelings.

Our relationship is different, and we both agreed we are not "9 to 5" people, which is why I'm sure our other relationships in the past did not work out. I told him that I was not trying to pressure him in any way, it's just that I haven't met anyone else that I have liked so much (including my ex-husband, but I did not tell him that). I think we both feel better having this talk, it clears up some misunderstandings.

So, I'm going to relax and enjoy this for as long as it lasts. He's definitely one of the best things that has happened to me, and I don't want to lose sight of that.

June 3, 2010
5:29 pm
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CAMER
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hi china, glad you had the talk w the bf...and i wish you the best.

Seems like he wants to focus on his
bill paying and what not, and there is nothing wrong with that....just maybe take a step back, and think things over if this is "what you want".....the relationship is still new, so take the time to see what happens, and if its really meant to be it will work out.

and yes, keep alot of the focus on you and your needs and what you want to do with your life.......and time will tell.

Again, i wish you & your heart the best.

June 4, 2010
2:26 am
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chinadoll
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Hi Camer,

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, I am trying to focus on all the good things, and all of the really awesome qualities that my boyfriend has, as far as what he has done for me up till now. This helps me to be appreciative and grateful, and realize that I just need to relax and take things one day at a time, one step at a time.

He pays for the plane tickets when I fly to the East Coast to visit him, since I'm going to school full-time and have a tight budget. He treats me really well, he never raises his voice to me, and he doesn't get mad when things don't go right (my plane was really late & we had to adjust our schedules & next day plans).

When I talk to him about stuff, he knows it is hard for me to put my feelings into words. He will be patient and will listen to me, he is not quick to just jump to an answer. He thinks about it before he responds, and he usually will say something encouraging. He doesn't put me down or make me feel like I can't do something on my own.

He said he could help me to get a job with his agency that he works at now once I move to the East Coast, and he would help to get me set up with school if I decide I want to continue after I finish this program I am in now (he has a friend that completed the program that I want to look into), he is really supportive of my goals and wants to do what he can for me.

I've spent time with his son & his parents, we all had dinner together during my visit, and he told me (at my previous visits) that I am the first girl that he has brought home to meet his family in more than 6 yrs, and by that, it seems like he really wants me to be in his life.

I think he knows how I feel about him, even though we both have not said "I love you" to each other yet. He said he has no worries about me, since he knows I am not the type to cheat, and this helps him to stay focused on things he needs to do. When his ex-wife cheated on him before, it was at the same time he was offered a chance to go to the U.S. Naval Academy, and he did not take it at that time, since he was going thru so much about that and then later raising his son as a single Dad.

I told him that I had missed out on a lot of dreams and goals when my ex-husband had put me thru a lot before, so I know what it is like to lose out on an opportunity that only comes once. We seem to understand each other a lot.

I've noticed that since we had talked things thru, he has made more efforts to reassure me, and keep in touch with me more. I feel like I have more confidence in our relationship, that I can focus on myself and not be so anxious.

June 4, 2010
6:15 am
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CAMER
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wow, china, the conversation you just mentioned sounds very encouraging, and I think it really says, just take your time, one day at a time and see how things pan out.

So your bf was talking a lil' into the "future" about getting a job near him and what not, that is good.

I think this is the best thing for both of you, feeling secure in the relationship, still focusing on other things in life, and just letting nature take its course.

June 5, 2010
3:30 pm
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chinadoll
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I was just thinking about something. It came up when I was posting on another thread.

In February, I had to spend $500 to fix the power track on my car window, and at the time I was so mad at myself for being careless. I kept pushing the button even after the window was up,because I was not paying attention and in a hurry. The glass did not break, but the motor had to be fixed to have the window go up and down again.

At that time, I was telling my boyfriend that I had some extra money that came in, and I was mad that I had to pay for the window instead of putting it in savings. He said things happen, and not to be too hard on myself.

The following month, he paid for a plane ticket for me to fly out to see him. He could have said that I should have paid for it, from the money that ended up being spent for the window. He didn't. And he didn't ever get mad for paying for the ticket. He's paid for every plane ticket that I have used to fly out to see him. He has never asked me to pay for anything. I will sometimes pay for dinner or something while I am out there with him, but he never asks.

If that were my ex-husband, he would have said "too bad, you had the money and you spent it, so don't look at me."

It just made me think about this, and how I appreciate him so much. I am smiling about it, and it makes for a happier day...

🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

June 5, 2010
9:17 pm
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CAMER
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yes, treat the relationship like a flower blooming, it takes time, but with good nuture and just letting things happen and grow as they should, that is all the healthiest way to go.

Glad you are in good spirits and wishing you & your bf the best in this relationship (and hope it blooms to a great bigger and better things).

June 6, 2010
12:49 pm
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chinadoll
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Thanks Camer!

I appreciate that you are so supportive. I know this is not the most ideal situation, but as you said, if it is meant to be, it will work out.

{{Camer}}

June 6, 2010
1:46 pm
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CAMER
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chinadoll, what may not be ideal for some people, may be ideal for others...if you know in your heart that things could work out,then that is great, keeping an "open" outlook and staying healthy are the most important, and the relationship seems healthy. There is no abuse, no fighting, no drama.........so that is good, it seems like your bf may be focused more on getting money saved and bills for now, and that is ok, that is healthy. And as time goes on and the more you get to know eachother, see what develops and see if the relationship is heading in the direction you want.

June 2, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Hi
everybody,

I just wanted to
send an update about this situation that I was sad about
earlier.

Well, I just got
back from my trip from visiting with my boyfriend. He and I talked
about if he takes this overseas job after he comes back from his
military deployment, what will happen to "us". He still wants to
take the job if they offer it to him.

All I told him was
that I was sad at first, since I will miss him. I didn't say
anything about marriage or babies or any of that, since it's too
soon. He said that he would be allowed to get time off once in a
while to come back to the States to visit me and his son/family. I
didn't know that, I thought it was for a year straight.

He said it does
not have anything to do with me. He said that he would miss me and
his son a lot, but he wants to concentrate on paying his student
loans off as quickly as possible and keep saving money for his
son's future college fund. He was the first one in his family to go
to college, and didn't know about scholarships & grants, and
that's why he has student loans still to pay.

I also could get
deployed at anytime, since I am in the miltary as well. We both
agreed that we don't want to break up, so we are going to just
enjoy being together as much as we are able to, as long as this
lasts.

We both have a lot
of things that we want to accomplish. I still plan to move to the
East Coast, even if he leaves the country for a while. I might
continue on in school for a 2nd Master's, we'll see. We don't want
to hold each other back from anything, cuz that will just cause
resentment and bad feelings.

Our relationship
is different, and we both agreed we are not "9 to 5" people, which
is why I'm sure our other relationships in the past did not work
out. I told him that I was not trying to pressure him in any way,
it's just that I haven't met anyone else that I have liked so much
(including my ex-husband, but I did not tell him that). I think we
both feel better having this talk, it clears up some
misunderstandings.

So, I'm going to
relax and enjoy this for as long as it lasts. He's definitely one
of the best things that has happened to me, and I don't want to
lose sight of that.

June 3, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
CAMER
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hi
china, glad you had the talk w the bf...and i wish you the
best.

Seems like he
wants to focus on his bill paying and what not, and there is
nothing wrong with that....just maybe take a step back, and think
things over if this is "what you want".....the relationship is
still new, so take the time to see what happens, and if its really
meant to be it will work out.

and yes, keep alot
of the focus on you and your needs and what you want to do with
your life.......and time will tell.

Again, i wish you
& your heart the best.

June 4, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Hi
Camer,

Thanks for your
kind words. Yes, I am trying to focus on all the good things, and
all of the really awesome qualities that my boyfriend has, as far
as what he has done for me up till now. This helps me to be
appreciative and grateful, and realize that I just need to relax
and take things one day at a time, one step at a time.

He pays for the
plane tickets when I fly to the East Coast to visit him, since I'm
going to school full-time and have a tight budget. He treats me
really well, he never raises his voice to me, and he doesn't get
mad when things don't go right (my plane was really late & we
had to adjust our schedules & next day plans).

When I talk to him
about stuff, he knows it is hard for me to put my feelings into
words. He will be patient and will listen to me, he is not quick to
just jump to an answer. He thinks about it before he responds, and
he usually will say something encouraging. He doesn't put me down
or make me feel like I can't do something on my own.

He said he could
help me to get a job with his agency that he works at now once I
move to the East Coast, and he would help to get me set up with
school if I decide I want to continue after I finish this program I
am in now (he has a friend that completed the program that I want
to look into), he is really supportive of my goals and wants to do
what he can for me.

I've spent time
with his son & his parents, we all had dinner together during
my visit, and he told me (at my previous visits) that I am the
first girl that he has brought home to meet his family in more than
6 yrs, and by that, it seems like he really wants me to be in his
life.

I think he knows
how I feel about him, even though we both have not said "I love
you" to each other yet. He said he has no worries about me, since
he knows I am not the type to cheat, and this helps him to stay
focused on things he needs to do. When his ex-wife cheated on him
before, it was at the same time he was offered a chance to go to
the U.S. Naval Academy, and he did not take it at that time, since
he was going thru so much about that and then later raising his son
as a single Dad.

I told him that I
had missed out on a lot of dreams and goals when my ex-husband had
put me thru a lot before, so I know what it is like to lose out on
an opportunity that only comes once. We seem to understand each
other a lot.

I've noticed that
since we had talked things thru, he has made more efforts to
reassure me, and keep in touch with me more. I feel like I have
more confidence in our relationship, that I can focus on myself and
not be so anxious.

June 4, 2010
12:00 am
Avatar
CAMER
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September 30, 2010
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wow,
china, the conversation you just mentioned sounds very encouraging,
and I think it really says, just take your time, one day at a time
and see how things pan out.

So your bf was
talking a lil' into the "future" about getting a job near him and
what not, that is good.

I think this is
the best thing for both of you, feeling secure in the relationship,
still focusing on other things in life, and just letting nature
take its course.

June 5, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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September 24, 2010
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I was
just thinking about something. It came up when I was posting on
another thread.

In February, I had
to spend $500 to fix the power track on my car window, and at the
time I was so mad at myself for being careless. I kept pushing the
button even after the window was up,because I was not paying
attention and in a hurry. The glass did not break, but the motor
had to be fixed to have the window go up and down again.

At that time, I
was telling my boyfriend that I had some extra money that came in,
and I was mad that I had to pay for the window instead of putting
it in savings. He said things happen, and not to be too hard on
myself.

The following
month, he paid for a plane ticket for me to fly out to see him. He
could have said that I should have paid for it, from the money that
ended up being spent for the window. He didn't. And he didn't ever
get mad for paying for the ticket. He's paid for every plane ticket
that I have used to fly out to see him. He has never asked me to
pay for anything. I will sometimes pay for dinner or something
while I am out there with him, but he never asks.

If that were my
ex-husband, he would have said "too bad, you had the money and you
spent it, so don't look at me."

It just made me
think about this, and how I appreciate him so much. I am smiling
about it, and it makes for a happier day...

🙂 🙂 🙂
🙂

June 5, 2010
12:00 am
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CAMER
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yes,
treat the relationship like a flower blooming, it takes time, but
with good nuture and just letting things happen and grow as they
should, that is all the healthiest way to go.

Glad you are in
good spirits and wishing you & your bf the best in this
relationship (and hope it blooms to a great bigger and better
things).

June 6, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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September 24, 2010
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Thanks Camer!

I appreciate that
you are so supportive. I know this is not the most ideal situation,
but as you said, if it is meant to be, it will work out.

{{Camer}}

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