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dont want sex anymore... here's why
February 22, 2016
10:35 pm
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nikkyneedshelp
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February 22, 2016
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I'm upset because i feel like no matter how hard i try, i cant get particularly excited about him. sure he goes to work. so do i. thats it. he says oh I'm a great husband and father. but is he? until i came along my stepson was failing out of school and selling weed. he had no clue where chris was half the time and gave him money freely. if we had never met, chris would still be on his couch high as a mug and no diploma, guaranteed. chris has admitted to me the only reason he graduated was me. so. is he a good husband? um, ok. from the beginning: i got us this house. i took him to work when he lost his car. i got him another car. i paid the bills when he had to work part time for almost a year. i make sure things get paid and make all the financial decisions (which, by the way, really shouldn't change, because i feel like there would be chaos if he were involved), i decided we should get married since we were living together and well, that's the natural order of things. left up to him, we'd still be "ghetto" married lol. i waited for months. months. he had told me during a discussion that he did want to marry me. I never got a proposal AT ALL. not a public one, not a private one.. nothing. and i mean nothing. it got embarrassing after a while so i dragged him to the mall to pick out a cheap $80 jcpenney ring because he was not interested, obviously, in going and seeing about a real ring. never crossed his mind. once i had said ring, that i would sorta hide as much as possible, btw, for fear that someone who was older than 12 would see it and know, he actually then suggested we do the quick courthouse thing. had to plan my wedding by myself with my mother. he couldn't have cared less what went on. shortly after said "wedding" I learned just how much he was in debt, $250,000 between student loans and irs. but still, there i was ok. and didn't take too long to realize the incredible amount of disgusting that comes along with his eating in the living room, sans family, alone, in the dark, at 10pm. so unless we spend $100 on dinner out, ($60 food, $40 alcohol), we dont have family dinner time. i handle all the necessary things in life like dmv dealings, bills, banking, calls, mail, house things like rug cleaning, pool problems, Christmas cards, all that stuff. he comes home and kicks his shoes off and its to the video games and boxing all night. sometimes he will watch something with me, but he talks the whole way through it and interrupts anything i try and say. he smokes in the house when he doesn't think I'm around, i know cuz I've caught him. 18 years and i still hear "this is the last time, I promise ". ok. he spends more on alcohol than i have ever seen a single person do. im serious. in 16 years of wedded bliss, he has never once tried to make up for cheating me out of never getting that memory (that EVERYgirl dreams of). to him, it's a non issue and I'm a spoiled bitch for feeling this way. his position is at least he married me. ok. when ppl ask how he proposed i lie. lol. he had a chance when he did upgrade my ring to a real diamond after i lost my fake one. he could have went and did what all other men do and bought one and surprised me. i even told our kids which one i wanted. but no. had to send him with the debit card to the mall and home he came. his position is at least i got it. ya, but ok. ya know? then he had yet another opportunity to do it right, when a year later we had enough to get a decent ring, so id finally be up to par with the rest of us spoiled bitches in america. but no, i had to wait and wait and when he didnt say anything, once again had to drag him to the mall. ya i got a nice ring, but ya know.. zero effort. zero. his position? you guessed it. at least i got the damned thing. if i were a man, i would have snuck on over and got a real ring to begin with, even if i had to make payments or whatever. I've never had a boyfriend or fiancé that made me do this crap myself. and if i fucked up i would have made up for it in all the chances he had. but whatever. so we were in vegas and i saw a little tiffany bracelet i had ALWAYS wanted and he SAW me oohing and awing. saw me. he has his debit card. it wasn't unreasonable. $150 to make his wife smile and never forget, and that would have really made up for 18 years of being stoic and lazy. IF I WERE the man, i would have sent my wife to another store to look at something, quietly disappeared back into tiffanys and later at a nice dinner surprised her with it. or dropped it in her purse and waited. or better yet took a picture and posted it on fb and tagged her so she sees it and all her friends see it too! that would have been great. instead our daughter dragged him back there and practically beat him into buying it, then he sent her to get my wrist size. by that time I'm reeling. this is so fucking lame. i walked in and politely told him no. i said it in such a way as to seem like i was just iffy that i wanted it so it wouldn't embarrass him, ya know? but what i was really thinking was... this is the best? this is what you think is what a husband should do? ok. clueless, a little, but its more laziness. his position was at least he was willing to buy it. ya, but, ya know. we ended up leaving without. in the car later he asked to see my purse. he was in the backseat (get to that later) . i handed it back to him and he handed it back. I thought for a split second... oh man... did he go back after all and get it? *gasp* am i finally being surprised??? then we hit a speed bump and reality sank in. this is Allan. so, no. and i was right. he just got his cigarette out lol. so, guess I'm a bit slow too cuz I thought all night maybe since me and daughter were sleeping in and he and son were getting up to go to this gym without us that he would have went by and got it to surprise me that night. that's what i would have done if I WERE THE MAN but alas, no. lol. we quietly left vegas and not another word was said about it. he said to me that it doesn't have to be a fairy tale every time, Nicole. i just looked at him in disgust and thought to myself.... has it ever been? even once? nope. but i guess i asked for it. i come from a long line of women who never really got much romance either. my grandma and mother had husbands that never gave a rats ass either. they did get proper proposals, though. but not much else. I thought by moving away from the whole country hick life I could find a bit better. but i guess they are right. we become our mothers and marry our fathers huh. so i guess i have 40 years of this crap. or not. he gets so drunk i have to drive us home. he got so drunk in vegas he started bullying this poor kid just trying to do his job. then he spouts off how he's a lawyer and we all just stood there and apologized. side note: he makes more than a lawyer, but his title wouldn't suggest it, and i think he feels like ppl wont know what he makes unless he says that. lame. also lame is that its not as great as it sounds because of all his debt lol. whatever. the sick thing is I've had boyfriends/fiances in the past who were more protective and did all the manly things but I didn't appreciate it. i didn't know that that would become important. while my grandfather and father were not romantic, they were manly. they both did propose, made sure their women had real , albeit small, diamonds, worked so they didn't have to, handled problems, made decisions for the family, that stuff. i cant get mine to get off the damned video games half the time. bitch is, I've done sweet stuff for him. i saved and saved and bought expensive tickets to a fight in vegas and planned the whole trip without him knowing. surprised him with the tickets days away from what he thought was a trip to see my grandma . it was awesome. i also heard him say he really wanted a big tv. so that valentines day i took some credit and cash i scrimped up and took off in the truck. came back an hour later with the tv of his dreams. i did that . me alone. if i were my man... i would have made damn sure that bracelet left vegas with us somehow, and that to make up for 18 years of being an absolute complacent jerk, i would have surely taken 10 minutes of my precious time to make sure i showed her how much i love her. he says it a lot. those are words. he thinks that's enough, he's told me that. ok. whatever. i had a guy tat my name on his chest once. now that's sweet. he literally told me he would never do that for me. our 17 year old son is. not my husband lol. i had a different guy come in to my work with a real diamond ring in a cupcake and propose in front of ppl. sweet. i had a guy kick another guys ass in a bowling alley because he heard this guy gave me a hard time about not wanting to sleep with him. aw. I've had so many love letters and art drawn just for me i have a huge manilla envelope busting at the seams. why can't the one fucking guy i would actually love this from, actually do just one thing? 18 years and nada. say what you want about my ex, yes he's a jerk. but when i was looking for rings i liked, I stumbled onto a huge cz I loved. it was just a few hundred dollars and would have saved him tons. i was young, it was fine by me. he took one look and said nah ah... nothing fake. real diamond only for my wife. my brother is the same way. there would be no way in hell. he is sort of ya know... take charge guy and his wife is a little followey. my husband always makes these little comments like how nice it would be if i would be more like her. i just laugh in my head. well... lets see. she doesn't work. he pays the bills. he makes phone calls and handles business. he makes definitive decisions. he takes her places and buys her things. he drives because he's in control of himself. he doesn't make an ass of himself in public. if you were more like that, and gave me something to follow, i would follow. when i bring in half the income and do 100% of the business, and I'm often not done "working" till 10 pm but when you come home you are done, and i have to seek out and buy my own shit and beg you to spend time and drag you to do the things men should inherently do, and make decisions that would negatively affect our family, and i have to drive everywhere because you've spent $60 in long islands... ya no. thats ok. I'll follow myself, thank you. and then that begs the question.. why the fuck do i need him? ive never encountered an adult male who knew less about how everything "works" down there. he really believes that i should get so much pleasure out of sex just cuz his u know what is going in mine. that's what he thinks turns us women on. seriously. every damned woman reading this, as well as MOST GUYS over 20 are shaking their heads, right?? lol. everything you read here.. and im supposed to be anxiously awaiting it. ya. oh baby. i just dont know. im so sorry this was so long. there was just so much I've been holding in. I've tried to tell him these things. when hes drunk he will say he never had a dad ( and i think to myself, yes, but you did get a brain, right?) and he will try harder. so far, THAT hasn't actually happened lol. and if hes sober, im a spoiled bitch who needs to see whats out there. no one will treat you like i do. (and i think to myself, yay) lol. i do love him.. i have just lost that in love feeling. the sexy part. there is nothing sexy about a lazy, drunk guy with chicken grease on his hands who wont shut up about whatever is happening on tv right now. we have a family and careers and everything.. my leaving would destroy things. I've heard marriage is like this.. the sexual attraction always goes. but how do wives get through it? how do you have intercourse comfortably when you cant get excited cuz he just farted and burped at the same time? when every time you hear about some other husband doing manly, sexy things, all you have is... well at least he works? am i being too much of a princess? I honestly do not believe that asking for ONE act of husbandliness over our entire lives is too much. one freakin night when he makes reservations and just takes me somewhere, DOESNT ask me to fucking figure out the god damned tip, DOESNT get so wasted i have to drive home, has some sort of sweet surprise for me, maybe even if we are out with ppl (that would be nice) and maybe be a gentleman for once the entire night. just one. but, see, even if he did.. inevitably he would ruin it all by making some snide remark like... I'll drive, cuz thats what a man does and look at me like I'm an evil wife for saying it. geesh. i really could go on. ugh. are there more wives out there struggling to find some small ray of excitement, somewhere???? lol

February 26, 2016
2:43 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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Nickky,
I am surprised that no one has responded to your post. I really feel like you needed to share your troubles about your husband and maybe get some feedback. I am sorry that you have worked hard to be a pretty good wife and that your husband, I am sorry to have to say, is probably an addict. Most people who are addicted to a substance tend to be very selfish. They often are not aware of the feelings of those that care for them. From what I have read, I don't think you want to leave your husband, you just wish he was a bit more sensitive to your needs as you have tried to be for him. It must be very aggravating to say the least. Even though your husband seems to spiral out of control when has had a few too many drinks, I doubt he will ever really be able to see that when he is that way;Smile he hurts you and disregards you. I am sure he cares deeply for you and for your entire family, but it seems like he is never going to be the responsible person that you are. It's great that you are aware of his issues and have supported your children when he could not or would not. All I can suggest is that you spend more time taking care of yourself and your needs. If it means going and buying yourself the bracelet you really want, or just taking a day to go get pampered at a spa. Be good to yourself and try to ignore his outbursts of insensitivity, Stop expecting him to be something he will never be. I do not see him changing any time soon. Some people never grow up. As far as sex is concerned, it is really your choice and you should not feel obligated if he has disrespected you. Be proud that you at least have a good quality life (financial) from what I could surmise and take advantage of the fact that you can learn to give yourself what you know you deserve.
I hope you are not offended by my reply and that it helps in some way.
Oneday

May 16, 2016
5:16 pm
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nikkyneedshelp
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February 22, 2016
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Thank you for that reply. I know you are right on so many levels and it has helped me in my decision. Having validation that he will never change, I have decided that I deserve more than he is willing to give and I am moving in July. Our youngest kid graduates in June so it is perfect timing. I only find comfort in knowing all the kids are happy and healthy and we did manage to stay together until they have all reached adulthood, and the fact that I am financially able to leave. I shudder to think of all the poor women who are economically stuck. Thank God I taught my daughter to work and take care of herself. I hope all is well for you, Oneday.

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