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Don't wanna be the Adult!!
September 17, 2005
11:11 pm
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EJ
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September 27, 2010
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Hi Everybody,

I'm really feeling down tonight. My husband and I have been separated now for 3 months. We're in counseling, but progress is slow to non-existant. I don't feel like we've even gotten down to the real "Joe" yet, you know what I mean. I mean, he says, "I'm sorry, I've changed, I've seen the err of my ways, blah, blah, blah", but never does he really open up, take responsibility for what he's done. I suppose a lot of you have had this experience? For our whole marriage, I think he's been putting on an act, telling me he loves me and I'm imagining our problems, while lying to me and doing crap behind my back.

It's also starting to occur to me - and it's causing me a great deal of anxiety to realize this - that I'm always gonna be stuck being the adult. If my kids get into trouble - I'm gonna be the one handling it. If Daddy's grouchy and impossible, I'm gonna be the one explaining it and trying to make them feel better. The crises are gonna be mine to handle - alone. In a sense, I've always had to do this stuff, even when we lived together. But now, I'm really alone, and - barring a miracle - Joe's not gonna change. I'm gonna have to be the 'big' person, all by myself.

I know God's with me - but it would sure be nice to feel like I had a responsible co-parent.

Love to all my fellow strugglers!
EJ

September 18, 2005
12:42 am
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Randomwomen2
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September 29, 2010
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I feel like a single parent even though im maried the only thing that i dont do is bring in the money i cook i clean i potty train the boys i sing to them i take them to church and so on. Even though my husband and i are not seprated i understand at least some of what you mean

September 18, 2005
12:43 am
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mamacinnamon
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EJ:

I have raised the kids alone in both marriages, taken care of all the household chores, bills, ... other than work a job and hand over the paycheck it was my responsibility. I feel for ya. But, hey, there are positives to this... nobody to argue about how you are taking care of things.. if they start tell him to deal w/ it. He'll go back to his couch. You make the decisions, you decide what ya'll are gonna do on the weekends, you will be the hero to your children. When they have a problem they will come to you, not him. Specially if they have to walk on eggshells when he's around. They will be more likely to help out and emotionally support you. DO have the kids to chores.

Anyway, just wanted to say, it's lonely, but not all that bad.

September 18, 2005
12:57 am
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exoticflower
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(((((EJ)))))), I am starting to know the feeling mysefl lately. Hang in here. I find some small comfort in knowing that I get to savor and bask in her amazing accomplishments, just sit back and really treasure them for a moment before sharing with everyone else...

September 18, 2005
2:34 am
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EJ
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Hey Ladies,

Thanks for the support. You know, when you're married and living together, you get mixed up about who owns what problem and who owns what strength. I guess when Joe and I were together, I attributed too much of the credit for my kids being good people to him. But now that we're apart, I'm seeing how little he really contributes to that. I take them to church - he has to be lectured by our shrink not to encourage them to listen to ACDC (they're 12 and 9, for pete's sake). I try to get them to bed at a decent hour. He lets them stay up half the night, basically, I think, because he's using them for companionship instead of respecting the fact that little kids need their rest. I feed them healthy food, he takes them to McDonalds every time he has them. I just get so frustrated. I don't want to be his mom, too. He shouldn't expect a medal if he gets them to bed before 11 on a school night, but he does. He doesn't want to be a parent, he wants to be their less mature younger brother, I think!!! And it's not like he's not capable of acting like an adult - he's a loan officer, for crying out loud! He just chooses to be a 6-year-old with me!
Ej

September 18, 2005
9:32 am
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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that's why I think that my choice to be a single parent is a good one.

I am only responsible for me and my daughter.

I am glad I don't have to share with my daughter's father. I hear so many stories about the conflicts - so many conflicts and all hurt the kids.

I realize you husband doesn't act like a parent to these kids - but you can't change that. You can't control what he does with the kids when you aren't around. You will be stuck doing damage control unfortunately. And since he isn't willing to realize what he is doing wrong - then there is no possibility for change. Realize that there are couples who are parents who do exactly like you say your husband is doing and think they are being good parents - it's not just your husband. It's just that you have higher standards and better parenting skills....most parents are in conflict over how to be a good parent - divorced or otherwise.

The older they get, the more they will realize who the parent they can trust is, and who the irresponsible one is. And you know they will also use this to their favor later on - dad lets them do it, so they turn to him to get away with stuff mom won't let them. It's hard, it's no fun, it's no fair.

can you get your visitation structured so he has them on weekend nights only? so that his letting them stay up won't harm school? or maybe get school counselor to talk to him and tell him they are sleepy and that he needs to ahve them in bed earlier - so that it doesn't come from you? as far as food - you can't control that - he probably doesn't even cook for himself. Just know that a few take out meals aren't going to kill them in the scheme of things...neither will them listening to hard rock - many kids grew up listening to ACDC.

in some ways, you gotta pick your battles. If you balance the good with the bad, the kids should end up okay.

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