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Don't really know what I'm doing here....
October 28, 1999
1:02 pm
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Semi-Hopeful
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September 30, 2010
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Hello,I'm trying to find some support from whom, I don't really know, but I would like to find some somewhere. And since people aren't just selling hope, happiness, and security out on the street, I suppose I should be a little aggressive in finding my own support. Well, here goes...

I'm still in college, I have been here since 96, and I am not graduating anytime soon. I am categorized as having "clinical depression" but I don't like being in a neat little category. My mom died four years ago, and I have mixed feelings about that. I question my sexuality all the time, but I don't know who I won't offend so I can answer some of my questions. My family has a lot of pressure on me, and I have plenty of my own, and I feel very cramped. I have been suicidal in the past and I am afraid a lot of that anger will come out again sometime. There, that's a few of my problems. My doctors have me on some psychotrophic drugs which I am trying to stay away from. I figure, I can get better on my own. Little do I know, I can't. I need help. Anyone out there?

October 28, 1999
2:05 pm
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Cici
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Semi,

I understand what you're feeling (kind of). I suffered from the same problem (I'm currently in my junior year of college), but I sort of turned to drug abuse to help myself forget. I was suffering from depression as well. I'm currently attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

I remember feeling sort of low, with this quiet desperation. I felt like everything was unreal and my whole world seemd like it was covered with a gray blanket and muffled. I remember feeling not sucidal, but like I just wanted to wind down, like a clock.

My parents sent me to a counselor (I'm getting to the drug thing, be patient!) who put me on anti-depressants and gave me sleeping pills for my sleep disturbance (insomnia). But I hated the side effects: migranes, jitteriness. So I quit taking them and decided to get better on my own. That's when I started having serious drug problems, getting into coke and heroin. But I finally got a hold of myself.

You need to read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl (see the same-named post).

I think the thing was for me existential anxiety. I suspected that ultimately, my life lacked meaning. I felt like nothing really mattered, I feared death. I realized after a while that I can't depend on some great cosimic dictate to regulate my life. I guess I sort of accepted the absolute ridiculous absurdity of being human and in doing so grew to accept myself. I don't know.

There's a certain feeling of nihilism when you're depressed, yes?

But regardless of all my bullshit, the fact of the matter is that it's different for each person. You made the first step, admitting that you need help. Now take the next. just tell us what you're feeling and why you think you feel that way.

October 28, 1999
5:29 pm
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site coordinator
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September 27, 2010
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Semi-Hopeful,

Even if you did offend someone here, this is the place to give it a shot. You're completely anonymous, and we'll do our best to give you some level headed feedback.

You're questioning your sexuality?

Can you tell us more?

- SC

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