Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Don't quite know what to think or feel
May 28, 2009
7:45 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have shared before that my friends S & D remained friends with the Lying Cheating Rat Bastard Ass-hole Son of a Bitch. It has really hurt my feelings in the past but D explained it away that S and R had a special kind of father son relationnship. Tonight I met her for a glass of wine and she told me that while S was out of town that she had plans to meet R's new girlfriend Nette for a drink and to do something. Before I just thought the men had a friendship and she went along with it to make her husband happy, but tonight she tells me that she and Nette were supposed to go out but something came up and they didn't. I feel hurt and I feel betrayed but as is typical I don't know if I am justified in my feelings or just over reacting. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE someone tell me if I should just end the friendship and cease to put myself through this. I did tell D that I was a little upset but that I realized I couldn't control her or her actions.

I don't know. What do you guys think? What is worse the pain of uncertainty or the certainty of pain. I can't keep doing this to myself.

Bitsy

May 28, 2009
10:39 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Give me some feedback please.

Bitsy

May 28, 2009
11:35 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((Bitsy))),

Your feelings are always valid and you should honor and acknowledge them without judgment. So sorry you are going through this. As hurtful as it is, you can't tell your friends who they can or not be friends with no matter who they are friends with. You can share how you feel and leave it at that. The decision is for you to make as to whether you want to stay friends with them.

When I broke up with my ex he tried to alienate me from all "our" friends and most did stop talking to me as friends and started to backbite me. I eventually had to leave the church we attended together, which was my church first. I learned quickly who my true friends were. It was very hurtful. I think the friends of the couple to do whatever they want. What they shouldn't do is pass information back and forth from one couple to the other. Very few people are able to respect this, imho.

I think it is within your right to request she doesn't share things about him. Btw, she must be telling them about you too. This is how these things usually work. On some level, she is relishing in your break up and is keeping the drama going. You should put a stop to it. All the best!

May 29, 2009
9:02 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks fantas. I think after rolling it over and over in my head that I am going to slowly start removing myself from the friendship. I have been doing that to some degree over the past few months, but I am going to speed things up. I just can't take that pain and it doesn't fit in with making myself happy.

Bitsy

May 29, 2009
11:51 am
Avatar
RobynB
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You know what Bitsy, I would start to ease my way out of that relationship with D. I mean, she could meet the new girlfriend for something and not tell you, which honestly would be the higher road. In that circumstance, the action of their friendship is completely removed from you. I have two friends that are "enemies" from way back who I formed two seperate friendships with. However, both of them understand that each of my friendships are completely divided from one another and I don't mention it to either if I see one or the other. That's a healthy boundary. Both understand that I'm not a "go-between" etc. (Honestly, I think the two of them should just kiss and make up, but they can figure it out on their own time without my involvment).

After JB died (the alcoholic suicidal ex) died, I tried to have friends and connections to him. After the crazy former roomate cheated on me and tried to date myself and "C" at the same time, he also tried to get me to be friends with her (he was hoping we'd have a threesome). Again, I cut him off... I cut everyone off. It was hard at first, but as the time passed I started to feel stronger and stronger.

In the meantime, I went out and made new friends and completely abandoned my past. I didn't talk about it with my new friends (from work and then I met my SO) and I am so glad I got through the hard times now, because it's so much easier being around non-dramatic people who are honest with healthy boundaries and not looking to stir the pot.

Hope this helps babe! You seem like far too valuable a person to be subjected to insensitive people like D & S. At the least, they should know better than to mention their friendship with him to you.

May 29, 2009
1:28 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks guys. I think the bottom line is that I have finally realized I have zero self esteem...yes, I start building myself back up but then something like this happens and knocks the wind out of me.

I am back in real estate and the thought of having to meet with a client and "sell" myself strikes fear and terror in me. I am about 25 pounds overweight---geez now that was tough to admit---I have been been trying to eat healthier, but I haven't been able to work exercise in. I am self conscious about well about everything about me. My self esteem is down. I spent most of the past year at home alone...I was really too broke to do anything. I have only recently started venturing out again. Happy hour at a local place ends at 5:45 and a glass of wine is only a couple of bucks. I can do tht every now and then and not feel like I am hanging out in a bar. Today I am at the beach working. The guy I work for told me to buy the rental management company lunch and he would reimburse me. I can do that. I met a walk through and need to send him an email on the development, but I don't know what to say in the email.

Really and truly once upon a time I had my &^%$ together. I don't right now. I have been working on it but once again, last night kinda knocked the wind out of me. One friend told me I ought to send her an email letting her know how I feel. I really feel that would just be too manipulative. Like I was trying to control her. I don't want to do that. I think the best plan is just as you said, make new and other friends and gradually let them slide. One day R will realize what he lost when he screwed me over and he will screw them over as well.

I am tired of the drama and want to work on me. I want to build my self confidence and self esteem back up and I want to live the good life.

Now I just have to figure out how to do it. I have been trying on postive negative thoughts I wonder what todays affirmation would have been if I had taken the time to read it.

Any thoughts on building self confidence.....

Bitsy

May 29, 2009
3:45 pm
Avatar
RobynB
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Bitsy, I had an idea about the confidence thread on my thread about the lump. I posted it there.

Also, I hear you on the weight thing. I was posting on the diet club but kind of gave up. I need to lose 15lbs, but at one point in my life I lost 70lbs, so I know I can do it. I'm back on Atkins and feeling great.

Remember, life comes and goes in phases. Don't think too rigidly; you will once again have your %&*$ together. Think of this as a "rebuilding time" where you learn new life skills! 🙂

I love ya, Bits!

May 29, 2009
4:54 pm
Avatar
Bliss Seeker
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Bitsy,
It looks to me like you are in a fragile state and yes, you really need to get strong so that you can make the right decisions to benefit yourself to start getting onto the right track. I agree with the others that you need to sever the relationships that are in common with your x as it will keep you in a revolving door situation. Also, instead of feeling hurt by other's actions try to look at it a different way.
- What they do or say or feel is their life journey (which looks like it needs work too) and you can let that be part of yours if you want to allow it to keep you from getting past all of this.
- You can choose to feel offended by what goes on in their little worlds or you can look beyond all of it and find that you are a lot stronger and that they are the vulnerable ones. Your continued involvement feeds them. Once you are out of it they will find someone else to prey upon and you will have found a new path to follow.
- Trust yourself. Take a risk and the reward will at the end will be even greater.

Start to get yourself grounded literally by being on the earth and letting it's frequency resonate through you - go for walks, lie down outside on the ground. This may sound all hokey pokey but finding your foundation is where you will need to start in order to stand up on your own.
Enough said for today, Yes?

May 30, 2009
7:14 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Bitsy,
I think that you do have yourself together. I think that you are on more solid ground than you think you are. I know that you feel like this is a relapse and maybe you are back to square one, but that's not true. You have made tremendous progress in moving on and these are just shadows of where you were.

As for D, my former dearest friend wants me to meet his new gf. I'm sure he thinks we will be great friends. There are alot of reasons that could never be, but that doesn't change his drive to make it happen. At some point I will have to meet her and have a polite friendship, if I want to maintain this friendship. I have so far chosen to maintain it. So, my point is that sometimes we are friends with people because we want to maintain a relationship with someone else. In this case, if S & R are that close, D may not have much choice, unless she is going to give up S. She is still trying to be friends with you for some reason.

As you continue to grow, you are finding that the relationship with S & D causes more pain than pleasure. Whether they will choose you over R seems clear. So, you have already chosen to continue the letting go process.

That is the pain you are feeling. Its ok. The friendship was important to you and this is a loss. Pain and sadness and loss are part of life. Letting go of this relationship and this pain, when you are ready, will make room for something that will make you smile.

Decluttering the emotional baggage is way harder than decluttering our bodies or our homes. That is why it is painful. Not because there is something wrong with you. You are wonderful and it hurts because it hurts.

I have to go on a trip this weekend, and I will check on you before I leave and when I get back. In the meantime, I am sending you warm, strong thoughts.

bonni

May 30, 2009
7:23 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you Bonni. I knew you would put the Bonni spin on it.
Thanks to all who have encouraged me.

I have a hard time explaining how this hurts BUT that I do NOT want to manipulate the situation. I just want to do what is best for me.

Bitsy

May 30, 2009
7:26 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((Bitsy)) What is that best for you today? Can you do something fun with Cat? Is there a state park you could visit or do you want to do some gardening? Maybe a movie?

bonni

May 30, 2009
8:41 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am going off the computer until Sunday afternoon. Take care of you and Cat,
-bonni

May 30, 2009
10:21 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am working at the beach today...poor, poor Bitsy, having to sit in a condo or roam the grounds all day today with beautiful blue water out in front of me and the balcony doow open where I can hear the waves coming in...this definately isn't condusive to really working. It does restore my soul.

Bitsy

May 30, 2009
8:40 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

When I think back on all the hurtful things R did that I "explained away" and I think of the same kind of hurt the friendship with S&D is causeing me because the are still involved with R and his new girlfriend, I have to ask myself if I want to continue hurting. I do not. I ignored my feelings in the past and look where it got me. I cannot and will not ignore the way I feel. I need to let the friendship go.

Bitsy

May 31, 2009
4:54 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy, sounds like an excellent way to spend the weekend. I hope it was restful. It sounds like you came to a conclusion. I am so proud of you. The only one you have to please is yourself.

bonni

June 1, 2009
12:36 pm
Avatar
.
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 49
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bitsy,
I think that you should get new friends. I mean she could meet with the new gf and not tell you. It sounds like she wants to stir drama or make you feel bad. She knows it bugs you. That tells me they aren't good friends.

Just my opinion.

June 2, 2009
6:09 pm
Avatar
Allie McBeal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ive often struggled with which direction my life should be heading in at this moment. Im currently a college student that has hit way too many walls. Every some situation presents its self that threatens my return for the following year. And as for friends and fdamily im always the one whose there for everyone else but never have anyone to turn to when im in need...i dont know which way to turn sudddenly i feel very alone. its like being dropped off in the desert with miles of dried out land to look at with no direction of true civilization.

June 2, 2009
7:27 pm
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Allie,
look within. the strength is inside you. there is no one outside of you who can tell you what is right for you. Only you are becoming the expert.

Wherever you are in school, you should have an academic advisor and a counseling service. Your academic advisor should be a good resource. That person should not tell you to switch to English as your major and become a teacher, but rather ask you questions that will help you explore the truths inside you. The counseling service can help with non-academic issues.

take a deep breath. its hard to be an adult and responsible for yourself, just remember that you already have everything you need. Glenda didn't tell Dorothy that the ruby slippers could carry home because it was important that Dorothy find her own way to her heart's desire. She couldn't have truly known from the beginning. Just as you don't realize yet how much power you have inside of you. There is no yellow brick road for you, just what is in your heart, when you sit still and listen.

-Bonni

June 2, 2009
8:37 pm
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good advice Allie.

Bitsy

June 3, 2009
6:46 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Another thought, Allie,

Go someplace quiet where you have at least one hour and write out your thoughts. Don't edit or read until you are done. Just write everything you think.

Then later, read it and tell us what you think about what you wrote, if it gave you any clues.

June 3, 2009
11:47 am
Avatar
It No Longer Matters
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 72
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Great advice Bonni. I might just take it.

Bitsy

June 3, 2009
10:04 pm
Avatar
Allie McBeal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks bonni ur advie was very refreshing..ill be sure to keep u updated on my findings..

-Allie

June 4, 2009
6:28 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((Allie))

((Bitsy)) Im going away again this weekend. I'll try to type some tonight and maybe in the morning, then I'm off til Sunday.

June 4, 2009
6:58 am
Avatar
Allie McBeal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well i never got around to doing that list but instead i was awakened by the voice of my mother fussing about something totally irrevelant to what the discussion was about. im so tired of taking verbal abuse from everyone and not having any say about it. Time and time again im the one who is in the wrong in everyone's eyes...im the bad guy the one who keeps up all the chaos. i try to stay in my own lane not bothering anyone but in the end i get the bad end of the stick...im sooo tired of it all..im tired of doing things for acceptance and then being torn down..im at the end of the road....

June 5, 2009
7:31 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I never got to type last night. I had to help my dd with her homework.

Allie, you are not at the end of the road. You are at the beginning of the road, they look similar and feel similar. Have you looked into counseling at your school? It may be very helpful and healing to talk with someone about your situation and your feelings. You deserve to not have to be in this distress.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111089
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38628
Posts: 714443
Newest Members:
thomson, BenjaminGresham, answerhope, kenseeley, soofibeauty, lifesyncm
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information