Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Don't know who to talk to--need help!
October 25, 2006
9:50 pm
Avatar
mom2four
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello,

I have never gone on a website to ask for advice, so this is very hard for me, but I don't know where else to turn.

I am a mom of three teenagers, a son 15 and twin girls 14, I also have a baby girl. A few weeks ago, we were visiting my grandparents and staying in their guest house when one of my teenage daughters came and got into bed with me and was shaking really bad and crying. She didn't want to tell me what was wrong and it scared me. Finally she told me that her brother had come into their room and touched her on the breast. I was so freakin shocked I didn't even know what to do. My son has always been a great kid, he makes straight A's, has lots of friends, and his teachers are always telling me what a gentlemen he is--so I absolutely couldn't believe he would do this. I knew by how hard my daughter was crying that it did happen. I didn't want to say anything to him while we were visiting family, so I waited until we got home the next day. When I started to ask him, he immediately knew what I was going to say and told me it was true. He started crying and was so ashamed of what he did. I asked my other daughter to come talk with us and found out that it had happened before to her too and she was just too embarrassed to say anything. My son admitted that he did it once to her too. I was sitting there between three people I love so much and my heart just broke. I couldn't believe this was happening. Part of me wanted to kick his butt and I was so mad at him, but another part of me knew he needed help and he's my son. My kids have always been really close and I knew in my heart that things would never be the same between them again. I talked to my husband about it, but he isn't good at dealing with these things and he didn't say much, he just grounded my son. I started to call our preacher, but I felt so embarrassed and I'm so afraid that if I tell anyone, my son will get into a lot of trouble and he is not a bad kid. On the other hand, I love my girls to death and I have to do something because they didn't deserve what happened to them and I don't want them growing up with embarrassment and shame or feeling like I didn't take it serious enough to do anything. My son's friends are starting to get him involved in pornography like so many teens are today and they keep pushing my son to look at things on the internet. I found out that one of his friends sent him a website that he could get to even though we have a filter and watch his movement all the time. These websites were so disgusting and I can't believe that our children are so easily exposed to this type of crap. It is no wonder the kids today are so damn messed up. I want to find my son help before things get any worse or he gets further addicted.

If anyone has been through anything like this or knows where I can go to seek help, please let me know. Thank you.

October 25, 2006
10:12 pm
Avatar
cyndra820
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Mom2four,

I've not been in your situation. However, I think you should talk to your preacher about it. You need a safe place to discuss this and he's a good place to start.

I don't know if your health plan covers mental health, but I think he should talk to someone about what's going on in his head. Touching his sisters is a BIG problem, as you already know. He needs a safe place to discuss what's going on.

My concern is the same as yours that your daughters may not feel you've done enough if you don't do something soon. I don't know about calling the police, that's a very hard decision. I think starting with therapy will help him sort out things.

Being curious about sex is normal. His friends looking at pornography is not a good normal. Gosh, I remember when looking at Playboy was a big thing!! If you can find out which of his friends are pushing him in that direction try to limit his contact with them. Bad association spoils useful habits.

I know you are anxious. I'm sorry I don't have anything more definitive. I hope I've helped and not made things worse.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 26, 2006
5:21 pm
Avatar
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

your son at least admitted having touched his sisters on the breast - so I can see there appearantly is "trust" and "connectedness" her - and that´s a good point to start from - you wrote that he immediately more or less "jumped in" to say that it was true - maybe the fact he kew he´done something inappropriate had been eating at him (inside) as well - point is, if they see you´re in shock about it (facial expressions ,attitude etc) they might get even more embarrassed and ashamed about it - not because you want to make them feel that way but because you´re their mom - which might inhibit future disclosures of anything like this (touching) - so I think it´s in their interest (too), to not openly show them what´s going on with you (inside) but to stay as "neutral" and "objective" as you possibly can (not "tagging" or "labelling" anything that happend) - but on the other hand - consider talking to a counselor or therapist about your anger and fears surrounding this incident, too. This connection and openness between you and your kids - in fact : the healthiness of your family life - is very important to take the "load" (meaning, taboe) off the incident and that of itself will largely determine how your kids will look upon and remember what has happened. Have you asked you son if he wants - or on your request, is willing - to talk about the touching incident with a counselor or psychologist ? - how you handle this situation may be even more important to their way of coping than what actually has happened between them - your son may take the fact that he was grounded because of the incident with his sisters as a disapproval (rejection) from you - meaning - it is shame inducing - and makes him the "baddie" (scapegoat) - which can lead to a secretive or closed attitude on his part in future - while I think he did a "good" thing by connecting and opening up to you - ofcourse that doesn´t excuse his actions or make it allright - ofcourse he should be told (but is probably already aware of it) that his actions are violating the integrity of his sisters - so it´s important that they don´t take on any parental shame or embarassment about the incident - how do you prevent that they feel more shame - yours and theirs - maybe by (re-)assuring them that they have nothing to feel ashamed of embarassed about - your son did something wrong but he "is" not "wrong" or "bad" as a person - he is guilty of doing something that is considered "wrong" - so whatever your course of action migth become, stay supportive of him - and your two girls need to feel safe and comfortable with you and their dad to talk about anything whatsoever that is bothering them - so they need your support too, but another kind of support. They need to feel trusted to speak up for themselves to their brother when he acts inappropriately - and they need to feel safe and comfortable enough to communicate (open up ) to you - and to keep doing so - in case things turn out not so pretty or innocent and they need your direct or immediate help. Your son needs to know how his sisters feel about him touching them on the breast - how is has affected them (negatively) in order for his conscience to (internally) regulate his behavior - moreover, the two girls need that kind of selfawareness to process their experiences with their brother - or need to be made self-aware by being asked the right questions about the incident and how they felt when it happened - because it detoxifies any shame and embarassment they feel - making it easier for them to cope with and process their experience of the incident - so this way, they are given the message by you as their mom:"I am o.k., I did o.k." - and - "I know what to do when something like this happens again" (self-confidence) - and my parents are there for me as a powerful backup should any shit hit the fan. Do you feel embarassed to talk about the incident to someone outside your family (f.e.: priest) because of what "people" might think of you, your family or of what has happened ? - if you want to avoid any premature "labelling" on their part, try sticking to the facts as close as possible and ask advise how to approach, guide and think (evaluate or assess) this - it´s important to make that distinction between the "facts" and other people´s "stories", "tags" or "labels" with respect to those facts given (and to make that distinction as sharp as possible). So prepare your story carefully - stick to facts and only facts - and let your counselor, priest or therapist do the work relating to the interpretation and evaluation of the facts (guidance, supervising, coaching etc.). Sorry for my broken english. I am a bit tired. You can seek help at any counseling center (yellow pages - look for behavioral or family therapists).

October 26, 2006
5:45 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mom,
So how do you think he is feeling about this and what were his thoughts?

October 26, 2006
7:22 pm
Avatar
Over My Head
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mom,
I am going through this right now. I know exactly how you feel! My son though is a little younger than yours. Mine will be 13 in January. He started with a huge obesssion with pornography and things progressed. He then touched my 7 year old daughter. We were shocked and so hurt. I know exactly what you were saying when you said you were standing with the people you loved the most.

This does make you so angry with your son though. It is a very trying time.

My husband has a friend who is a D.A. and he went to him for advice. The last thing we wanted was to raise a sexual predator. The statistic show that if he gets treatment now, he will have a good chance of live a normal life.
He is now going through what is called a "S.T.O.P." Program with a youth sex counselor. This is the same program that juveniles in our area who are convicted of sex crimes are ordered to go through. This may seem extreme to some people, but we felt as though we had to protect our daughter and give our son a chance to live a normal healthy life.
When these kids look at porn they are getting such a distorded view of sex they don't even understand what they are seeing.

My daughter is fine and doing well.
We watch everything very closly. I stay scared. And wonder what I could have done wrong.

Trust me, I know how you feel, you are not alone.

My advice to you is to find a therapist who specializes in youths with sexual related problems, because trust me, he is not the only one. You may feel alone, but you aren't, people just don't talk about it. It certainly isn't a comfortable subject, I couldn't even tell my mother, my husband had to do it for me.

I am here if you need a friend.

October 26, 2006
7:26 pm
Avatar
Over My Head
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

One more thing, the therapist told me, never let him babysit and do not leave him alone in a room with his sister. I though this might be relevant to your situation since you have the baby girl also.

But I am sure you have already thought of all that.

October 26, 2006
7:56 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

All here who have written:

mom2four...your son as you have described him sounds very confused. 15 is a very confusing time, especially for a boy who, is not around or does not have a dad...I know, my youngest son was 15 without his dad, and it was very hard. I didn't read anywhere that you mentioned a father was involved in his life, so I am just assuming one may not be from what you wrote.

It does sound as if the porn has affected him, but please be careful not to isolate him or treat him like he is different....especially in a household full of women...you, 2 sisters, is he the only male? Please get him to a therapist, not because he hurt your daughters, but because he is hurting himself right now. I encourage you to not treat him like he is a sex offender, and I don't know you....but your feelings are important, but not the most important now. Again, if you are a single mom, it is more difficult, but from the way you describe him, he has to be embarassed, hurt, feeling rejected....hopefully it does not pur him on to continue. Rather than a pastor talk to him...you talk to the pastor instead, and some few close friends to pray with you and support you, and pray for him....my thoughts are that he would be horribly embarassed if the pastor knew, and may quit church altogether. Maybe somehow a youth pastor may eventually be involved down the road for him. He needs your support right now.

My opinion is a little different..but have raised 3 boys by myslef...I know how hard it can be, and believe me, they have had their moments...15 years old is a horrible age for them.

the best to you, will keep your situation in prayer too.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38543
Posts: 714223
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer