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Don't know where to go from here
June 21, 2007
9:20 pm
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runngguy
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Hi all,

I'm not even sure where to start. I really just need to vent a bit, I need a safe place to go to just get my thoughts out. Please bare with me.

I've discovered many things during time I've been in counseling. How much I hated myself because I hated my mom for abandoning me (emotionally) in childhood. How I felt like a complete failure because I feel I failed my family. I couldn't save them, and more. Each of these "discoveries" were so painful to go through, but so peaceful once revealed. However, everytime I move through something, the next issue comes up. It seems never ending, and I don't know if I can survive the next painful revelation.

Both my parents were abused as kids and just weren't emotionally there for my sister and I. My sister tried to commit suicide twice growing up, I thought it was my fault. The counselor would come to talk to her and my parents, and I had to leave the house. I distanced from the family completely. I felt, no I feel unloved and unlovable.

On the outside people consider me successful and happy. But I realized I'm a martyr, like my mom is a martyr, like my grandmother was a martyr. The one woman I dated called me false advertising, I seemed all together, but really I'm just a mishmash of hurts, fears, and anger.

I read through some of these threads and see a lot of women on here. I am a man, and I have a history of getting involved in needy yet emotionally unavailable women. People ask me why I'm not married yet, I'm a great catch. Deep down I don't think I deserve love or to be loved, and this is where I'm stuck. I crave love, I even gave this neediness I have a nickname, the Love Leach. When I'm in a relationship, I think if I can do one more thing, try something different, work harder on the relationship, then I'll feel loved. Mentally I know this won't work. But I can't seem to grasp that I'm lovalbe for me and it's okay to set boundries. I don't even know who me is. I don't even know how to love myself. I've hated myeslf for so long, I don't know where to go from here. And everytime I feel I'm on the cusp of dealing with this I get stuck. I want to cry and let go, but it just sits there, inside me. The darkness, the whole in my heart. The emptiness, and I have so many defences keeping me from that pain.....

Thanks for "listening"

June 21, 2007
9:42 pm
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balancesekr
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hi runngguy, welcome to the board. I understand and relate to how you feel down about yourself. How on the outside everything seems perfect but inside in so much pain.

It is SO difficult to really work on healing and filling up the hole inside. Once you have had enough, you will start to make some changes, even if you start out with small ones. You already started, you are admitting you have a problem. You are admitting you feel pain, you go for available women, you crave love, etc.. but you know that what you get won't even matter.

Finding yourself can take a lifetime, but you have started the journey, keep posting!

balancesekr

June 21, 2007
10:19 pm
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runngguy
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THanks Balancesekr. It's hard to think it'll take a lifetime. Sometimes I get so frustrate cause I want to get "there". But I suppose that just puts more pressure on myeslf and reinforces my failure feelings.

It's hard to appreciate the journey when the journey seems to have so many icebergs, and I feel like the titanic, moving at high speed with a very bad turning radius! Sometimes I feel like I'm just re-arranging the deck furniture, but the ship is still going down.

June 21, 2007
11:06 pm
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Anonymous
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Going very fast to nowhere, thats how I used to feel. A lot of childhood issues, too, plus depression on top of that.

I have finally began to move beyond chronic severe depression after trying to terminate myself May last year. What I can say is little more than fake it till you make it, but it makes all the difference.

Yes, life is a journey, and only death and taxes are for sure. The small thing that makes a difference in my life right now is balance. Where there was loneliness, I adopted a cat. Where the house was bare, I added flower arrangements. I still need to get back to church and join a yoga group. Ah, I kept my bicycle. Just put a lighter gear in it, the one I like to use.

Each day I see my cat and it meaows at me, I know Im not alone and Im lovable. Each time I make a flower arrangement (kinda Ikebana) I remember life is beauty. I can never make a bad arrangement, only different. So I think I may be just original, too. I volunteered to teach ESL to a 7 y.o. girl who is very smart for her own good.

I also lessened the control issue on my family. Because of circumstances gave an example that suited me. The person said something like, when you explain your boundaries, youre being assertive. When you yell at somebody for not respecting your boudaries, youre trying to control the results. I didnt yell, except when yelled at about twice. But I resented so badly not being understood. I loosened the grip on that. And I began seeing less of my closest family members, and when I do, its for the right reason, we miss each other, I am missed, too.

I do see a therapist. Chnging therapist was my first major decision that started the ball rolling. Not the change per se, but the decision making.

Finally, we should remember the Solomon ring saying: this too shall pass! If you really want, you can be happy. Just dont fall to the rock bottom. Its a slow deep never ending journey that´s very hard to come out of. I should know...

June 25, 2007
10:42 pm
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runngguy
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sininho,

Haha, I found your comment about the cat funny. I also got a cat, but when she meows at me I just feel that this is "someone" else that just wants something from me. She's not meowing because she loves me, just that she wants something from me.

That's how I've felt, people only love me for what I can give them. Because I myself am unlovable. I don't know how to get out of this cycle....

July 2, 2007
9:46 pm
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Anonymous
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Sorry I havent checked in here before! I hope youre doing better.

Hmm, I guess youre lovable if your cat follows you around. Cats have their minds forged in iron. And they always think theyre entitled to their necessities AND amenities.

But giving that makes you suffer isnt right! How´s that saying, a tid for a tad? One is supposed to contribute 50% and the other 50%, too. Thats the wrong way to me. I believe life is to be lived 100% by each and shared by both together, its a winning situation: 200%! And spares the guessing work.

Something else that struck me was a saying sth like this: so many times we want to please somebody when all thats needed is to provide somebody with joy.

So... be yourself and share joy! What about that?!

(((RG)))

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