Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Don't know what to do anymore...
March 15, 2006
4:41 pm
Avatar
DeadEnd
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi everyone. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We've known each other for 10 years. We got married as best friends and thought the "in-love" feelings would come. (They were always there for me, not for him. He loves me, but isn't "in love" with me.) He had one girl friend before me, but never experienced falling in love. Now after being married for almost 3 years, the in love feelings still haven't come and he regrets never experiencing that. For a while now, I observe him stare at other women, know he looks at porn when I'm not around and it effects him very much! He DOES love me, and knows this effects me deeply as well... but it's become a stronghold in his life. He goes back and forth about still being married to me (we both don't believe in divorce for religious reasons).

This is actually a bi-product of his ultimate problem: He questions his relationship with God. In questioning that, he questions everything. I've prayed for him, fasted, am trying to be as understanding as possible. But here's the deal: He's not being active in doing ANYTHING. He wishes things weren't this way, but he's not being proactive to do anything to change his situation. I suggested he go to counseling either by himself or us together and he doesn't want to. I asked him if I could go, but he doesn't want to spend the money. There are only so many tears I can cry before I just can't take it anymore. I've tried everything I know and nothing is helping. He claims he would do something - if he just knew what to do. What can I or should I do? I'm really at a dead end.

March 15, 2006
4:58 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This man is not going to change. He doesn't want to. You cant make him be in love with you. SInce you don't want to be divorced and willing to stick it out, then accepting that is all he can do is your best bet and work on yourself and focus more on your own self esteem and needs. You cannot do anything but go on for yourself and not control something that will not change.He has to work on it himself. Letting go of the problem and let it out of your hand is the only answer I can think of.

March 15, 2006
5:11 pm
Avatar
DeadEnd
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you, taj64. I appreciate your advice. So, if I let go of the idea that he'll one day really love me... that he'll respect me... that he one day might leave... How does one live like that? All my life I wanted to be a wife. We want to have kids someday. I've been trying to live for myself, whilst still loving him. It's not like I've been mean to him or anything. He tells me all the time that I'm a good wife. I've been trying new things and trying to live a decent life and not think about it. But it's ALWAYS on my mind. It's always in the back of my head. How does one live like that?

March 15, 2006
5:50 pm
Avatar
Walnut
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hej, DeadEnd. Sorry to hear you're in a hard situation.
In a similar one, I had to take the focus away from him, it was driving both of us crazy, and so I focussed on me instead, why didn't he love me? I could think of lots of things about me that I can change with a little less laziness, and i'm working on them, to be the me I can be really proud of. Then he can be too, or not, but it won't matter to my own pride. Don't know if it'll help at all.

March 15, 2006
7:11 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It sounds like you give too much to the relationship and are not getting your needs met. Of course you love him but that doesn't make you get your needs met. It must be so hard to live with a man, be married to him and not have the love you want. I doubt he will return it to you. Maybe if you do focus on yourself, learn to love yourself he will love you but that is no guarantee. You settle and you get less than you settle for remember that.

March 15, 2006
8:53 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Reach out even more. Phone a woman's centre, do somethings that you have fun at and genuinely laugh, preferably out loud. You know that Jesus loves you so love yourself too, as if this is the only opportunity you will ever have to experience love too. You absolutely deserve it ... it is your birth right as a woman

March 16, 2006
4:36 pm
Avatar
DeadEnd
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you all very much for your responses. I really appreciate being able to come somewhere to share the way I'm feeling about my situation and having people that honestly care, give me their input.

Walnut - I am working on things to change myself. Things that I do that he doesn't like... I want to change for him so that it would make him happy.

I DO love myself, and I do know that Jesus loves me too. (Thank you, littlespirit.) I don't think too much of myself, but I think I have a good head on my shoulders. It's hard when other men hit on me because I know I need to say no, but I crave that "attention", ya know? I DO say no and tell my husband about it... and he WANTS to give that to me... but as taj64 said, "You can't make him be in love with you." I know that and my husband knows that - it just makes for an unfulfilling situation for both of us.

We really are best friends and he tells me he knows he couldn't ever find anyone in the world like me. We both just wish the "in love" factor was there.

taj64, you're right. I DO give a lot in this relationship... but because of the way that he feels that I've mentioned - he feels he gives a lot too! To still be with someone and not be in love with them... To give unconditionally to me without expecting anything in return.

My girl friend whom I trust came over last night. I ended up telling her most of my situation. It felt really good to talk it out with someone face to face. She suggested that if I've really done everything I know to do... seperation might wake him up and light a fire under his butt to finally make a decision. Is that the right way to think about it?

littlespirit - I believe the same way. When you've reached your witt's end and given all you know how to give - reach out more. I did that this morning and did something nice for him that I don't normally do. It seemed to make us bond more. And I love those times... it's just when it's good, it's really good and when it's bad it's very bad. We both know there's an issue there: It just seems like I'm the one ready to run into battle and he's the one still standing there, while the enemy keeps shooting at him. He's "still here",... but he's just "taking the hits" and I'd just like him to be stronger. Is that expecting too much?

Thank you all for your time, suggestions and encouragement.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
34
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714200
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer