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Dont know how to get out...
April 27, 2009
10:40 am
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rols
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I have been in this relationship for a year and a half and no matter what I seem to do I cant get out. I go up and outta my way for my bf all the time, but it doesnt ever seem good enough to keep him "interested" in me.

I make big dinners 3 times a week. All I ask is that he come home those 3 evenings to eat dinner with me.. He never calls and never shows up til ten at night, usually intoxicated...

Other times he has me waiting for hours because he will need a ride from work, yet he doesnt call til late and he is usally calling from the bar.

I have to beg him for money to help with the bills..

These are just a couple minor things i have gone through...

When i try to talk to him about some of these issues that hurt my feelings he turns it all around and makes me feel crazy for being upset and hurt.

Does anyone have any advise on how i can get outta this relationsip with out feeling utterly devistated, and/or tell me why I am so head over heels in love with a man who clearly has NO respect for me??...

April 27, 2009
10:51 am
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CAMER
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don't allow this man to keep dis respecting you!! he obviously doesn't care about the dinners, and the more you cook and take him back, the more he will abuse you and think its ok.

Set boundaries...tell him NO more will i cook dinner, no more will i do "whatever, fill in the blank"....and let him know you are sick and tired of what he is doing and how he is treating you. Stand strong!

If you truely want him out, tell him that he has 2 weeks or whatever time frame to find a new place and stick with it.

I think you need to build your self esteem up and self worth and know that you are worthy and should not be treated the way he is treating you.

So yes, you do have a choice, you can end this relationship, if you want.

(((camer)))

April 27, 2009
10:59 am
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Zebra
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rols,

Yes you can get out. You have to make the decision to walk away. I did and so many like us have before. Yes it will hurt and you will be lonely and devastated, WE all were, but in time that goes away and you will be able to care for yourself and see the abuse that you can't see now.

Be strong and don't allow this to continue.

Hugs and Love, Z

April 28, 2009
9:52 am
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rols
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Thank you SO MUCH for your support...The thing that i dont get is, after all these negitive things happen it seems like the next week or two are so wonderful for us, maybe thats what makes it so difficult for me to leave.. I mean he showers with attention and gifts and takes me out...It just makes it so difficult!! Do you think its possible for him to change or am i blind?

April 28, 2009
10:08 am
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CAMER
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wow, maybe he is the "charmer/abuser" type of guy, we had/have a thread about the men like that.

Yes, he can change ***only if HE wants to**** you can tell him you don't like the way he treats you, or how he is acting, but then it is up to him to change his ways.

April 28, 2009
11:03 am
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penny lane
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Dear Rols...

It appears you have an alcoholic on your hands...there is really no reasoning with them.. I know..I have been there.

I will make this short and sweet..give him an ulitmatium..it is you or the alcohol..he will choose the alcohol..and then..you need to leave..and dont look back. Why would you stay with a man who chooses everything over you...? why would you want to be in a relationship with a man who doesnt treat you BETTER.than you treat yourself? Dont be afraid to be alone..it can be a wonderful blessing.

This man has a problem..and so do you..you are willing to put yourself in a demeaning position just for a moment of affection and the feeling of desireability...by someone who doesnt even care for himself..

Dont bother with boundries..he wont listen..if you give him any..and he doesnt respond ...then ACT IMMEDIATELY..trust me...this man will always come back to you..because of the way you treated him in the face of abuse...

Good luck

April 28, 2009
1:10 pm
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fantas
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(((Rols))), Here is an entry that says it all:

atalose
25-Apr-08

What Addicts/alcoholic Do

I have posted this before but see a lot of new people here dealing with a loved ones addiction to drugs and or alcohol. This was a response from an addict/alcoholic to the many questions of "why" when asked by those who love them.

What Addicts Do

My name's ----. I'm an addict/alcoholic. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decision to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decision, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.

I strongly suggest that you start attending Alanon and learn how to deal with alcoholics/addicts. You need support to let go of this man.

April 28, 2009
1:24 pm
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Thanks for the reminder Fantas...I never tire of re-reading why addicts do what they do.

April 28, 2009
1:49 pm
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MsGuided
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Rols. Perhaps looking at why you think his behaviour is "minor" inconvenience is a place to start.

Doesn't look like minor, not putting the toilet seat down, stuff to me.

April 29, 2009
5:43 pm
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rols
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Thank you everyone!! i know that the thing i need to do is to leave...its even more difficult when the people you are around are in simular situations..i am going to be strong and do what i need to do to leave. thank you for your support! i am very thankful that i have found people that know how i feel. it makes this alot easier knowing that i am not alone. thanks again!!!!!

April 30, 2009
8:06 am
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suzieQ_85
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dear rols,

im struggling with the same thing.

i need to leave but its hard.

lets get through this together.

love suzie

April 30, 2009
6:49 pm
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rols
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dear suzie,
your right it's extremly difficult to leave, when in reality it should be so simle to leave someone that doesnt treat us right. Are you still in the relationship too? I am just afraid of hurtng....so i keep procrastinating because the hurt is so awful!!! Let me know how things are going for you.

April 30, 2009
7:37 pm
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suzieQ_85
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im still there.... ive been trying to cut it off for weeks now... did it last summer but got back together with him in january.

i dont have the answe for u, i dont know either. Thing is... it should be so simple but the reality is that it isnt.
it's a process. dont feel weak for procrastinating. its what you need..

take your time to let go..

April 30, 2009
10:36 pm
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OHYEAH
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rols-

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but I can possibly give you an insight from a guy's point of view.

Men, including me, tend to take a woman's love for granted because we sometimes have trouble seeing a woman's expression of love as such. This happened to me and it was not that I did not love my ex but rather that we had not learned how to love each other.

I did not realize such things until she left and I took a long look at things. I did not realize what I had or took for granted until she left.

My advice is to just leave, get two friends to be there for support, pack your things, and leave. Don't have contact with him for a while and see where your feelings still lie. If things are meant to be, then he will have a hard time with life and eventually come back, if not, then you made the right choice either way.

Be strong, make your decision, and don't turn back unless you still have feelings and he tracks you down. However, give it a while after you leave because he has to come to terms.

Good Luck

April 30, 2009
11:44 pm
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fantas
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(((Rols))),

You say that you are afraid of hurting. From what I'm reading it looks like that boat is docked right in your heart. You are hurting right now. Tell yourself the truth about you. It may hurt later, but that isn't certain. What is certain is, you are hurting right now? What if you are happier later? That would be an improvement from where you are. In fact, anything would be an improvement from this.

There are very legitimate reasons why many of us on this site have continuously chosen painful relationships. We are comfortable in pain, something about the drama makes us feel like we are actually accomplishing something or working towards something. Too much calm and quiet is very uncomfortable and boring. I think deep down, you may be afraid of life without drama. Drama is where we get sympathy and empathy, it's where we feel something even if it's unhealthy, it keeps us alive. The idea of not being surrounded by chaos is unacceptable and causes us panic.

In a way you are as addicted to the drama of your relationship as he is addicted to the alcohol. Just like the top entry says, until you are ready to stop it, no one can make you do it. The drama consumes your life to such a point that you cannot take care of yourself emotionally, psychologically and every other way, because you are too caught up in what he is doing? Just like he is neglecting himself through drinking and medicating his inner turmoil, you are doing the same with him.

As you've probably realized by now, many of us on this site are at different stages of this process. Taking the focus off of our addictions of choice and into ourselves. Honestly, the work of reclaiming myself continues to be more difficult than medicating with drama of whatever kind, but the more I see my own growth, the more I realize what a precious human being I am, and how much I deserve to live in absolute peace and calm. How much I deserve respect, love from a generous and caring person, given to me freely, just because I am me. Still not easy to swallow, but I can definitely see that I deserve it. I'm starting off by treating myself the way I want others to treat me. If I wont let myself wallow in trash, wear old torn clothes, live in dark smoke filled places, I most certainly will not let someone else take me there. No judgment to them, just preference.

So as you look at your current situation start to think about yourself as a lovely, lovable, and loving human being. Think of yourself as a little baby and treat yourself like you would your baby. Someone suggested I carry my baby picture around and look at it everyday until the compassion to care, protect, and nurture that baby hit me. It took 4 years for me to get here. Now I not only love the baby me, but I find myself nurturing and loving all babies, from a deep place that I never thought I had. It's amazing and it didn't happen overnight.

I think your coming to these boards is your way of taking care of yourself. Keep at it, you will walk through this. We all are. Sometimes we are doing great, other times we feel like we have learned nothing, but always we are moving forward. Ooops that got too long. I think it's because I can relate to where you are so much.

Keep posting

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