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don't feel ready to date but feeling pressured to
September 25, 2009
11:25 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Its been two years since my divorce, I love my job and have plenty of pets to keep me company. I have a few friends but really am not looking for more. I'm working through childhood abuse issues and the thought of dating anyone for any reason makes me sick to my stomach.

I live in Mexico, where culturally it is unusual for a women to live alone, especially if she doesn't have family close by, which I don't. I am a US citizen and born and raised in a big midwestern US city and culturally don't identify with the community I live in, although I confrom to the customs as much as I can.

I am one of the few female memebers of a local club for prominent businessmen. At our monthly meetings I am frequently jokingly asked on dates by these guys. I make some semi-humerous refusal and go on with my business (for example if they are married, I comment that I would love to go shopping with their wife and family next time they are going to the city--or if they are single I invite them to a day of hard labor on the trails at the research station I manage, which is funny because they all know I do this kind of work, but feel it is beneath their status as a rich businessman and usually offer to send one of their ranch hands or entry level workers to help if I need it). Its been going on like this for months now with no incidents until today.

There was a guest of one of the businessmen at our last meeting. I had already encountered him a few weeks prior at the research station hunting/trespassing and had to escort him off the property. I wasn't very nice in our first encounter. Then I met him at the meeting, he stayed after to compliment the work we are doing at the station and tell me the story of the mean old hag that kicked him off the property. So I told him that was me and he made a comment that if he realized I was so beautiful he wouldn't have trespassed but stopped by the station to see me instead. I excused myself from the conversation to catch up with another person I had to talk to before they left.

He shows up at the station today and buys a visitor's pass to hike the trails (we are trying to open up to eco-tourism and offer these passes for a small fee). I cross his path as I'm doing my drive around to ensure that all the trails weathered last night's storm with no hazards for our researchers. He talks to me for a bit about the station and I answer his questions.

Then said that he heard from his friend that I'm single and asks me on a date. I refuse, and then he asks for lunch, which I also refuse. He asks why and I say that my life is very complicated and busy right now and I don't have time for dating. He then tries to turn it into a racial issue, which I can't have circulating as a rumor, especially with his connections to local businessmen. It is essential to my work here that they buy into what we are doing and if they feel I am racist against hispanics then they won't trust me. So I tell him that I was hurt really bad in my divorce and don't want another relationship right now, I'm just not ready. Then he asks about kayaking in the area and I refer him to a few places. And then he offers friendship and wants to take me kayaking. I tell him I'm flattered and that my refusal right now has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me not wanting that in my life. So he argues that its just friends, and I tell him that we both know better.

So I think well that's over and go about my business. I left the office for a few hours this afternoon and when I come back my office staff is all excited and giggly. It turns out that he came back and left me a big vase of flowers, waited for over an hour and talked to them about me the whole time. In the envelop with the flower's he left his business cards (they claim he is a professional massage therapist and financial advisor) as well as a note that I should be over the man that left me and see that he will treat me right.

And of course my boss (who is also my one friend here) is also at the station today, and he thinks this is great that I should go out on a date with this guy. Not only would it be good for me to get out a bit, but if I date this guy then it would lessen the rumors about him(my boss) and I having a sexual relationship.

But the bottom line is still that I don't want to date anyone.

Yes I know it has been 2 years, but I'm just now facing issues of sexual abuse and I don't want to deal with that kind of relationship now. I want to be celebate. Dating isn't about being celebate, its quite the opposite. I know that it isn't fair to this guy to go on a date just for rumor's sake... plus I think the flowers will be enough for that. And although he offer's friendship, I know that isn't what he wants. A guy never buys flowers and waits at a girl's work for over an hour to be her friend. The head between his legs made that decision.

I think he wants what he can't have.

But at the same time a lot of folks are telling me that I should go out with him. They worry that I'm lonely and don't get out enough. They were concerned that I would pass up such a nice guy, for work. They think I work too much and need to balance it with family.

So I guess I'm looking for support and honest feedback. Am I avoiding this when I shouldn't or am I doing good to stay single until I want a relationship?

September 26, 2009
12:16 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Chelonia, I don't have anythign to offer. I read what you posted inserting myself into it, but still got no insight for you. Sorry. Of course there is a little part of me that is jealous someone would pursue you so hard 😉 Only you know what is right for you.

Bitsy

September 26, 2009
12:16 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Chelonia, I don't have anythign to offer. I read what you posted inserting myself into it, but still got no insight for you. Sorry. Of course there is a little part of me that is jealous someone would pursue you so hard 😉 Only you know what is right for you.

Bitsy

September 26, 2009
12:17 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Chelonia, I don't have anythign to offer. I read what you posted inserting myself into it, but still got no insight for you. Sorry. Of course there is a little part of me that is jealous someone would pursue you so hard 😉 Only you know what is right for you.

Bitsy

September 26, 2009
12:26 am
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mamacinnamon
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Chelonia:

I knew you had to be a country girl at heart from the midwest. lol. I have somehow always felt you understood me. Now I know why.

As for the guy... Just my opinion of course.

You date when YOU are ready and not before. If you truly feel the pressure and if it would truly help you and your friend and rumors w/ businessmen and about you and your friend then if you feel you need to go out meet him in a VERY public place. Have dinner and maybe a dance or two for the fun of it and then shake his hand and go home. I guess here is where I sound like an ol mama, but if you feel the least bit uncomfortable around him do not go home w/o an escort. Maybe line up someone or a group to meet at the diner so you and he can "run into your friends you want to sit w/". Make sense??

If I didn't come across well let me know and I'll reword.

September 26, 2009
7:34 am
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darkeyes
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chelonia,, i hear your desperation, it seems your fighting your own demons as well as others...i dont know is it so much pressure from others, its just seems they need to marry you off, god you must be beautiful to have so many men around that care or is it stick there getting from there wifes they want to avoid,,,big question..do whats right for you, you have a choice, you know whats best for you and if you dont want to date then dont bottom line....darkeyes

September 26, 2009
1:22 pm
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onlyboringontheoutside
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He seems like he's moving too fast, in my opinion. The flowers were nice. The card saying that you "should" be over your ex and that he will "treat you right" is creepy to my ears. He doesn't even know you, just has an idea in his head of what you are all about based on the limited information he has about you.

But, dating can be fun if you are safe while doing it, and who knows? Getting exposure to other men who you have fun spending time with, especially if it's doing athletic activities that you already like, can be really refreshing. Just BE SAFE.

And if it's a crappy experience, you can make your first date the last, after all. You are and always will be in the drivers seat for your own life.

September 26, 2009
3:47 pm
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bonni
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September 26, 2009
7:42 pm
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bonni
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September 27, 2009
7:43 am
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autumn128
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Chelonia,

If you are not ready to date, then you should'nt. You should never go against what your instinct is telling you. You are working on yourself and working through your issues. That is a good thing.

You have been honest with this man. You told him you are not ready. He should respect your wishes and move on. If he would have said something like, "I understand, here's my business card if you change your mind..." that would have been different.

Going to your place of work after you told him no was out of line on his part.

When you are ready to date, you will know it.

(((Chelonia)))

Autumn

September 27, 2009
8:25 am
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mamacinnamon
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How's it goin Chelonia?

September 27, 2009
9:44 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Hi everyone, thanks so much for the feedback. I really appreciate the encouragement and insights.
In spite of being busier than expected this weekend, I've had it on my mind quite a bit, probably too much.

He hasn't had further contact with me since the flowers. I would like to send a thank you, but don't think it would be appropriate unless I plan to continue contact and go on at least a casual date. I can't think of how to do this safely, the only person here that I trust to watch my back is my boss. Aside from eating at the station or at one of the family places or fast food in town, we would have to drive over an hour to the city, which I'm not up for on a first date. The kayaking would put us in the wilderness on a first date, which isn't safe in anyway. I had thought of going with the local kayaking club, but there is another guy there from over a year ago that took several refusals to dampen his interest and I don't want to open that door even a crack. He has a friend that works for me and would find out if things worked out with Mr. Flowers.

At this point I think I'm just going to let it go. I would love to have another platonic friend, but that isn't what he wants and the stress of his interest has made me sick all weekend.

I don't think this male attention has to do with my looks, although it is unusual to have blue eyes and redbrown hair in this community. I really am quite plain and simple- never wear makeup, usually in old jeans or coveralls and rarely fix my hair into anything other than a ponytail. I'm on the heavier side of normal and have acne all over my face, neck, chest and back.

The more likely attraction is that I'm a mid 30's childless woman with no ties to men in a position of power within their community. The other women in positions of power are there because they come from families with money and have been left in charge because there are no males old enough to handle the family affairs. In some situations, it is only temporary because it will all return a related male once he is old enough to take it from her.

I really don't think these men are after me as a person as much as they want dominance and control over the women who dares to upset their normal social structure. The community as a whole is trying very hard to marry me off probably for the same reason. I should be home cooking, cleaning and having babies, but instead I'm supervising men and doing men's work at the research station (one of the top 10 employers for this community). If I had a husband or at least a boyfriend, they could twist their reality to believe that at least that man is directing me in my decisions and actions.

Perhaps its because I feel so much strain from this constant power play that I just don't trust anyone to have an interest in me the way I would want if I were to even causually date a guy.

I also know that I have a history of letting the men in my life consume my entire life. I bend my interests around their's, I succum to their preferences until I no longer know what I want without knowing what they want first. I'm just now finding me- Chelonia mydas as an autonmous person that is in no way shape or form attached to another person on the planet. My only attachments are to my pets and the 2000 acres of habitat I work to protect and these attachements fulfill my life, not suck it out of me.

I like who I am as a single person so much better than who I am in a relationship. I don't want to risk loosing this. It was so hard to gain and I know it would be so easy to fall back into that life. I do miss cuddling and kissing and all that, but it never stops at that. And all the stuff beyond that gets all screwed up in my head, then I start crying and they don't know why and then the fighting starts. Why even go there? My life is stable and steady now. Why not enjoy the calm a while longer. I can always try dating another month, or maybe another lifetime from now. But then I look at this and wonder if I'm sour for no reason and maybe missing out. But then I just read these threads to see that there really is a good change that Mr. Flowers or even Mr. Kayak or anyother Mr in my life is not going to be Mr. Right.

The flowers did have a great affect on the office gossip though. They are all giggly about this new boyfriend of mine. I'm amazed at how childish and gossipy these educated researchers can be, several stopped by my office to ask about the flowers. I also overheard some of the local ladies who cook at the station discussing what our children would look like. Oy, people are so funny.

September 28, 2009
5:59 am
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darkeyes
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chelonia mydas, all of us are beautiful in our own way.. you have your thoughts in this situation, very well said..if my life was stable and steady i wouldnt change it unless i was totally ready to, cos to be all over the place emotionally is horrible...wishing you peace in this situation..((hugs))

September 28, 2009
5:59 am
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darkeyes
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chelonia mydas, all of us are beautiful in our own way.. you have your thoughts in this situation, very well said..if my life was stable and steady i wouldnt change it unless i was totally ready to, cos to be all over the place emotionally is horrible...wishing you peace in this situation..((hugs))

September 28, 2009
10:31 am
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MsGuided
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Chelonia.
It sounds like you understand the social hiarchies , and inbalances where you are.

I think your making a wise choice to ignore MrFlowers. His actions are purely to dominate and control.

However i do think facing your fears, possibly connecting with a man from your culture, a transplant, to date, would be beneficial.

But why search for this?

Sounds like there are HUGE sacrifices to make, on the personal front, to have your job.

This is just the reality where you are.

I guess your feeling uncomfortable and this "climate" makes you question yourself?

Are you willing to sacrifuce your private life needs for the greater good?

As for the talk. Do you feel attacked or think others just want you to have someone who cares for you?People want you to have a partner in life and close connections?

(everyone wants and needs close relationships for health and happiness)

I think it would be a good idea to try and mend fences with other female workers, or seek some who weren't adversaries, and not look to your boss as your only allie.

Do you feel like you're in protection mode all the time, focus on work, acting professional, at the expense of relationships?

September 28, 2009
3:36 pm
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truthBtold
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((((Chelonia))))

OY!

Your post makes me want to SCREAM FROM THE ROOFTOP: "NO" is a COMPLETE sentence already!!!!!!

You OWE NO-ONE an explanation whatsoever!!!!!!

I repeat - No ONE!

You thought about it, sounds like you gave it some serious consideration, weighed some stuff out about the issues that you are dealing with right now and then finally decided against it. Case closed.

Why oh WHY must we always think that we somehow need to spend so much damned time scrutinizing over and over again explaining agaion and again our decisions to somehow placate the expectations of others??????

Oy Vey!

I can understand the culture thing - but your life is YOUR LIFE. YOU know best - period!

Maybe the intentions of your co-workers really are well-meaning. Maybe they want to just see you happy and not so lonely. That's all well and good.

But in the end, YOU decide and no one else.

To even consider dating this guy (which, by the way - I sooo agree with Autumn's post:

"You told him you are not ready. He should respect your wishes and move on. If he would have said something like, "I understand, here's my business card if you change your mind..." that would have been different."

AMEN!!!!!

Please try not to allow yourself to be pressured in any way shape of form - which it already sounds like to me that you are already doing this anyway.

Trust your gut. Stand firm in your beliefs. If there are rumors about you and the boss circulating - then so be it. Believe me, your conviction about yourself that these runors are NOT true ought to just stand on their merit - period.

And they will. Just in your mere body-language presence and firm wherewithall conveying on a non-verbal level that these 'rumors' are just simply not true and really, basically, how kind of absurd of them to even entertain such a ridiculous notion to begin with!

(I'm tellin' ya - this non-verbal stance IS conveyed in no uncertain terms....)

Don't give into others' fear or assumptions or gossip.

You don't need to prove anything to anyone!!!!!!

...and who knows - who knows what the simple act of you just standing firm and true to your own beliefs and convictions will do? (Maybe even provide an example in a roundabout way that you - or anyone else for that matter - don't have to cow down to the social pressures of the community for others and neither should anyone else who is lucky enough to bear witness of your strength!)

But that is neither here or there - and if it does indeed serve as an example for others - than that's just gravy.

Main thing is honey - hold true and steadfast to your own convictions and beliefs of what you already know in your heart of hearts to be real and true without any further need to somehow and in some way explain your position or decisions to anyone else!!!!!!!

Life is just too damn short for all that mess, already!

((((Chelonia)))))

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