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dont be cruel
February 1, 2007
9:53 pm
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hello everyone. i have been reading the threads here off and on for awhile, but not posted because i was too scared.

i need to talk to someone tonight though because i need help. i am transgendered. that is really scary to me to admit even in an anonymous place here so please don't be mean to me. i am already suffering as it is.

i was born female but have been living as a man for about 15 years. it is very difficult especially now because i have ovarian cysts and my estrogen level is really high and my testosterone level is really low. i'm sure a lot of you ladies will understand what this is like. it's very difficult emotionally and on top of it there is a LOT of pain and i can't talk about the pain with anyone, i don't have any excuse for it and i am an emotional basketcase and at the same time supposed to "be a man"-which is hard because the slightest thing sets me to crying.

February 1, 2007
9:56 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I wish I understood more what it is like to be transgendered. Do you have hormone therapy? Is it not working? What has caused this high estrogen or has it always been high?

February 1, 2007
10:02 pm
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i have been off of testosterone for several years. i just got a new prescription for testosterone but i feel like i should wait until the cysts go away before i start taking it so that i won't be in so much pain.

apparently the best way for cysts to go away is by having a menstrual cycle, which i currently have and my menstrual cycle will stop if i start taking testosterone again.

thanks for responding.

yes, my estrogen has always been high, except for the years that i was taking testosterone, which made me feel more balanced out emotionally, but also in between doses was very difficult as i became aggravated and angry much more easily.

nowadays i feel like i am quick to anger and quick to tears. i'm a mess!

February 1, 2007
10:07 pm
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i hate my body, but i can't afford surgery. i feel i need a hysterectomy but i am also scared to get one--sort of. not too bad, i would welcome it if i had the opportunity, but it's too expensive.

February 1, 2007
10:09 pm
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have you always hated your female body? I mean I understand that some people had bad experiences that made them feel bad to be female and others are just born feelign that they are the wrong gender. Is that right?

February 1, 2007
10:13 pm
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truthBtold
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dots,

Luckily, through the advent of various documentaries and such, the general public is able to get a much better grasp and acceptance on trans-genders as a whole.

There was a HBO movie a while back....I believe that it was called "Normal" with the "R" backwards that reaaly helped to enlighten us all on the struggle that trans-gender people must feel.

You are not weird.....just, perhaps "wired" a little bit differently. Not your fault. Just they way that the molecules.....(like the cookies).....falls the way that they do. No Biggie really - when you look to other examples in nature.

All of us here are non-judgemental and we will "not be cruel" as your posts suggest.

Please feel free to speak your mind and know that you are accepted for the SPECIAL person that you are dots.

You are NOT alone here dots .....there are many folks, myself included, who geninuinely care about YOU and what you are going through!!!!!

We are non-judgemental.

February 1, 2007
10:14 pm
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i have considered myself male as long as i can remember, and insisted that i was male from the time i could speak. literally i began identifying myself as male from age 3 years.

in middle school i really tried to make myself female, but it caused me nothing but sorrow. i would receive beatings from my parents when i couldn't bring myself to wear a dress to church and tauntings from other children who thought that i looked like a boy in a dress when i would wear one.

i have always felt male and have felt far more at home in the time that i've been living as a man than i ever did when i was pretending to be a gay woman.

nowadays i am not so sure though. it is so difficult for me to get medical care and i live my life in constant fear of being "discovered" that i question whether or not it is worth it.

February 1, 2007
10:19 pm
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thank you truthbtold.

yes, i saw that movie recently, it was pretty well done. the movie that's more about people like me unfortunately was "boys don't cry" where the main character basically had to deal with many of the worst nightmare/worst case scenario events of being a transgendered man-going to a womens' prison and being brutally assaulted physically and sexually and murdered.

or the other film was southern comfort where the main character died i believe from ovarian cancer because doctors were unwilling to give him medical treatment.

February 1, 2007
10:24 pm
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dots,

It IS worth it!!!! Do you by chance subscribe to (Comcast) cable TV? There is an EXCELLENT channel called "LOGO" which airs stories such as yours.

Do WHATEVER you need to to keep you healthy - even a radical hysterectomy.

Try to find some sort of local group in your nearest big city whom will understand.

Not everyone in the world needs to understand it all.....only YOU!!!!!

I wish you all the best!!!!

February 1, 2007
10:35 pm
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no, i don't have television currently. are we allowed to post links to places such as youtube on here though?

and yes, i need a hysterectomy badly. but i'm not sure how to get it covered by the state's basic health coverage and i think that the recovery time is very long, and i'm wary of the stress that that recovery time would put on my wife and my relationship. however, the major hormonal imbalance is probably far more of a problem that i should concentrate on.

February 1, 2007
10:48 pm
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truthBtold
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dots,

There are loads of information availble to you. Check out: logoonline.com & planetout.com & tgnow.com and ftmichael.tashari.org.

I entered "Trans Gendered message boards" on Google and came up with these.

There is help for you to connect with others of like mind.

Hope this information helps.

You ARE NOT alone............

February 1, 2007
11:00 pm
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thank you. i came here specifically for the anonymity. and also because of my codependency...but i feel that i would be unable to be completely honest without divulging my status as a transgendered person, which is a very important part in my recovery and healing.

February 1, 2007
11:00 pm
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turnabout
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"in middle school i really tried to make myself female,..."

female by whose definition? yours, or someone else's?

February 1, 2007
11:06 pm
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well, it was middle school, so largely other peoples'.

and then in high school i really tried hard to be female by my own definitions but it didn't work. starting from the time i was 14 i was yelled at, harrassed and intimidated out of using the womens' restroom. i was yelled at, lectured, threatened, and one time someone screamed.

so i began to use the mens' room, where all who enter do their best to avoid eye contact or any sort of looking at each other at all--for the most part anyway.

February 2, 2007
8:16 am
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((((Dots,))))

I have to go to work, so can't write as much as I would like this morning-but wanted to post my support for what you are going through.

Can you talk to your doctor about your hormones? It sounds like you might need medical treatment to balance them out. If your current doc won't help you, go to someone else. You need to get your hormones back in balance.

As for your transgenderness- I am glad to hear you are doing your best to be who you are regardless of what others think. Some people can be so cruel, and I understand how that makes it so much harder to open up. There are also people out there who will accept you for who you are. You have a lot to offer the world and for those who will judge you simply because you are transgender... well that is their loss and they miss out because of their own close mindedness and prejudice. But I also understand the pain of being taunted by such a**holes.

I accept you and fully support you in being who you are.

I hope today goes well for you. I'm going through PMS this week and have been crying at everything too. It sucks. I got called into the managers office for an oversight I had done and bawled like a baby. It was so unprofessional and embarrassing- but I just couldn't help it. I can only imagine what it would be like to have an even more severe hormone imbalance. I hope you are able to get it better controlled soon.

Sending you positive energy and prayers that your hormones balance out soon.

Hugs,
Chelonia

February 2, 2007
11:28 am
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((Dots)), I am sorry to hear you are struggling right now. As I do not understand what it's like to be transgendered, I have seen that movie you mentioned, "Boys don't Cry". That movie made me cry. I wish people could just drop the judgements and the stereotypes and just let people be who they are. Nobody is perfect. Everyones wires are hooked up differently. How boring would life be if we were all hooked up the same??!!
I think you just need to do what's in your heart. As long as you are happy, that is all that matters. Do you have health insurance? I hope that you can find more of a balance as far as the hormones go. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care of yourself, and don't be afraid to keep posting. There is nothing but unconditional support here for you. 🙂 @--]-----

February 2, 2007
12:36 pm
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turnabout
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Middle and high school years can be TORTURE for anyone who doesn't fit into the accepted "norm". And if you show yourself to be vulnerable in any way, there are those who are looking for a punching bag. I'm sorry that you had such terrible experiences.

I wonder, since you seem to be feeling trapped between two entirely different worlds, if you might benefit from looking into where this began and why. I'm sorry you've felt it necessary for your own safety to keep an important part of who you are hidden from the world. Secrets have a way of wearing us down. I hope you can reach resolution in all of this and find peace with who you are in every way.

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