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Domestic violence, shattered trust
February 22, 2001
1:41 am
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miss brenda
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I don't know how to do this without crying. My husband whom I have been with for 5 years now, well he hurt me very bad. This was the first time he has ever did anything like that. He was severely intoxicated. I left with our three children during the early hours to a close family members home. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it happened. I felt terrified and hurt. I took some time to recover that day, and the next morning I went to the police station and filed an incident report. The desk sergeant said I could go ahead and swear out a warrant on assault charges. In the state we live in it is automatically a 12 hour hold in jail for domestic violence. I went ahead with the warrant, they arrested him that night. When he did get out of jail he went back home, while I stayed with my family. He swore to his family and to me on the phone he could not remember anything that had happened. He said it was the liquor and he had that problem before. 2 weeks went by and he didn't really seem to have sympathy about what had happened. I was on the verge of filing for a divorce when I asked him to seek counseling with me. He said he would do anything because he loved me and didn't want to be back in jail. I told him absolutely no more drinking. He agreed. I made a mistake though. I came back to our house before we went to the counselor. Now, that night has forever changed me and how I feel about him. I am trying to make it work for the childrens sake. I know he loves them very much and they love him to. There has been no drinking, or any kind of negativity from him. He almost lost his job, but was spared when he told his boss we had worked it out and were seeking counseling. He wants me to not get a lawyer against him in court next month. I told him I wouldn't. But now I don't feel I can love him anymore or trust him. I have been finding him on the Internet looking at naked woman web sites, bondage and the sort. It is very degrading to me. I do not allow the children around him while he is doing this. It insists on me taking the kids with me everywhere now, and he is driving his own vehicle instead of the family one we use to.
I am afraid. And I am not sure what to do. He did threaten me one time, but immmediately apologized afterwards. I love him because I care about him, and I am not in anyway financially dependant of him, and he knows that. He doesn't want me to talk to my family very much now. In my heart I know I made a mistake coming back. I just don't know what I need to do now. If I hire a lawyer, then he will definitely do some jail time, and a divorce would be quick. If I don't and the trial date comes, his lawyer wants to put it off again. Then I don't know what to expect. If anyone has any input for me please write. I can't believe this has happened in my life. This is not what I wanted in a marriage, to be a slave.
I am not real knowledgeable about the law and court trials. But I do know my husband stands next to me when the phone rings, and calls his mother constantly when I am visiting there with the children.

February 22, 2001
7:29 am
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janes
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GET OUT NOW... you are allowed to make mistakes and believe....once.

Trust your heart. Get the lawyer. Going home sent the message that the incident was not serious. It is very serious.

The beating was abhorrent but the internet sites show a double sickness.

Staying will DO ABSOULUTELY NOTHING for your children except teach them it is okay to hit mommy and it is okay to look at other naked women who are not mommy and that "love and cherish" are meaningless in marriage vows. YOur strength now sends the message that YOU are valuable and so are they.

His need for control is evidenced in his taking the family everywhere and the calls.

OF course it isn't what you wanted in a marriage...if it ws you would hit him back.

You are right not to trust him.

Keep us posted.

Find a web site called "drirene's verbal abuse site" - You can get input from others like you - just like here- and dr irene is available for coment as well.

Please get out. In my experience this is just a time bomb and you and the kids could be seriously injured.

February 22, 2001
9:03 am
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miss brenda
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It is embarrasing and shameful to talk about what he did to me. He hit me with a belt several times. And he choked me. So bad that when I got up, and he had passed out, I went into the bathroom and my face was swelled, and my eyeballs were red. I am fair-skinned, and I can see tiny red vessels on my cheeks of my face now. I see that in the morning when I put on make-up and it just freezes me sometimes. He just kept telling me he didn't want to hurt me, but he did. He just doesn't seem sympathetic at all now. Thank you for your response. My grandpa says I am stubborn, but in a good way. I know what I need to do and I AM going to do it. You are right. I just needed to confirm what I truly was feeling inside. There is so much pain and heartbreak. I just can't believe it happened to me. That is just one thing I said in my younger life I would never let happen. But it did, and I can't change it, neither can he. I am feeling refreshed now. The other problem I have is that I have been terribly sick from kidney infections. I am going for scope/x-ray tests next Wed.
to determine what could be the problem. I am taking an antibiotic constantly now, and I just feel worn down. He hardly ever helped me either with anything. Alot of times it has been a struggle to even get up out of bed. But this new antibiotic seems to help a little, and I have new hope. This site is very good. It is nice to go SOMEWHERE and be able to fully share feelings in confidence. The only mother I have to share with is my mom-in-law. And right now that is kind of awkward. But she assures me that she doesn't stand for that type of behavior from my husband, and is praying for him everyday. She told me if I wanted to finish college, she could help me with the children sometimes at night. So that is my next goal. To finish my degree. Well the children are looking for play time now. I just love them so much. I sing to them all the time. And I know it annoys my husband. (Smile) It shouldn't, I'm just showing them what they need. Thanks again. I WILL keep this posted as things progress in my life.

February 22, 2001
11:39 am
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Molly
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This is the cycle,this is domestic violence. It will never be the same again, and you will become a wreck, waiting, for the next explosion. The controll, is obvious, his insecure nature, who are you talking to etc. The porno you described, reinforces some type of anger motivation, as did his attack, belts, similar to bondage? So you had a soft moment, so you fell for the apology, and you are ill, with out the energy to follow through, the guilt he has tossed on you do to the guilt of his actions, if you want to postpone the trial once to get healthy to make sure you follow through that is about as much slack as I would allow him, with out letting him know. Do not be so trusting of the Mother in law, it is her son. But this is a time bomb, this takes several months if not years, due to denial factors to work on. Get the hell out of there, read about domestic violence, learn the cycle and you will understand. Your children will learn this behavior, it will drag you down physicall and emotionally until your spirit dies, then your body, if he doesn't act out on your weakness. Get out get out get out. Be smart think with your brain and not your emotions.

February 22, 2001
9:09 pm
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janes
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Please remeber that YOU did not LET this Happen to YOU. This is not YOUR fault in any way shape or form.

You are NOT now and will never be his PROERTY.

HIS behavior was wrong!!!!!

Be smart. Get out!!!!!

Stay stron. You sound smart and with it!!!

We are here for you

March 2, 2001
1:51 pm
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Reserved
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miss brenda

I just read your story today which is over a week old. Let me begin by saying that your spirit has been broken as well as your heart. The physical wounds may have healed, but your spirit is wounded. Your body is the temple that house's your spirit which is sacred. It is not the will of God for a wife to take abuse from her husband. These are not a part of the wedding vows exchanged at a marriage ceremony. The death due us part is referring to a natural death or one caused by sickness or unexpected injury - not caused by your partner. If you want to do what is right for your children, remove them from this now before it escalates to where it may cause irrepairable damage. Get out now and allow your spirit to heal. Your husband has some issues that have nothing to do with you, yet he will take it out on you and blame you as long as you will allow him. He has already begun to isolate you from your family. I know it's hard, because you want to keep your family together, but believe it or not, by staying in this, you are tearing your family apart. If he truly loves you and the kids and realizes he has a problem, he should be willing to seek counseling (while you are gone) and prove that he is not only remorseful, but understands he needs help and to keep his family together will get it. In the meantime, you must focus on the well being of you and your children. Listen to that inner voice that is telling you you made a mistake. It's your true self revealing the truth to you. It's time to go, as soon as your health allows.

March 2, 2001
5:04 pm
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Ladeska
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Such good comments to you here, sweetheart, please take their advice. It's time to go and you need to stay gone unless you see actions that match up with the words. A charmer / abuser is very good with words and coaxing you back into their web. So, you take care of you and your children and let him deal with himself. Everyone that is not with you in this - needs to be distanced by you. This is about "you and yours", not about them or their attitude.

I am so sorry this happened to you..... But, please do not stay and take it or enable this man in any way. He has to figure things out on his own. Having no memory - is no excuse. None. It happened, Dude - deal with it like a man.

You get yourself behind some boundaries and stay there no matter what pops up and tries to confuse you. Stay centered, focused and don't go toward anything that doesn't feel absolutely 100% right. We have radar for a reason. Use it.

And another thing regarding God and marriage. You do know - there is more than one way to leave someone, don't you? It's not always about committing adultery or physically leaving. It's about him leaving his vows all the way around regarding you. Don't forget that. He moved. You didn't. And now - you have to move because of that.

March 2, 2001
5:07 pm
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Ladeska
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Such good comments to you here, sweetheart, please take their advice. It's time to go and you need to stay gone unless you see actions that match up with the words. A charmer / abuser is very good with words and coaxing you back into their web. So, you take care of you and your children and let him deal with himself. Everyone that is not with you in this - needs to be distanced by you. This is about "you and yours", not about them or their attitude.

I am so sorry this happened to you..... But, please do not stay and take it or enable this man in any way. He has to figure things out on his own. Having no memory - is no excuse. None. It happened, Dude - deal with it like a man.

You get yourself behind some boundaries and stay there no matter what pops up and tries to confuse you. Stay centered, focused and don't go toward anything that doesn't feel absolutely 100% right. We have radar for a reason. Use it.

And another thing regarding God and marriage. You do know - there is more than one way to leave someone, don't you? It's not always about committing adultery or physically leaving. It's about him leaving his vows all the way around regarding you. Don't forget that. He moved. You didn't. And now - you have to move because of him leaving his vows to you. Abusing you - isn't okay in God's eyes either.

March 8, 2001
12:53 am
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Brenda
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amen

March 10, 2001
8:50 pm
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pg lova
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Miss Brenda,

It's time to go, I have sort of stood in your place before. I had a girlfriend who was verbally abusive. Being that I had low self-esteem and was struggling with depression. She would call me all sorts of names, tell me that I could never do anything right, how ignorant I was, how stupid she felt for choosing me. It got so bad, that my family demanded that I get out of the relationship b-cuz she was putting me down so much and it was damaging my self-esteem all the more. I was just looking for love and tried to stay but when I did leave, a big burden was lifted. That's my exortation to you today, GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is damaging your self-esteem, I just feel it from reading your frame. You are worth more than a piece of gold and he's treating you like a piece of crap. That's not right. I am just angry that he had the audacity to put his hands on another human being. I have a sister and if someone did that to her, just say that he'd be safer in jail than he would be having to deal with my family and I. GET OUT!!!!!! Just like my ex, he is demented, crazy, stupid, ignorant, and retarded. Get out, I just want to strangle this bastard myself for doing that to you. Just who the hell does he think he is? Leave the SOB. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, especially since I'm a minister, but I am fueled with the anger from my girlfriend and I hate to see someone hurt someone else. HE is dead wrond and like the bible says, "YOU are like an oyster for God, producing the finest pearls. DO NOT take those pearls and cast them to SWINE."

God Bless and I'm praying for you.

P.S.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to e-mail me at [email protected].

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