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dog bit hand that feeds him..thedogsmom
October 21, 2006
6:12 pm
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thedogsmom
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hello again to all here who have given me their wonderful words of wisdom....
Unfortunately, I guess I didn't learn well enough to kick him out and move on..
I'm back to get STRENGTH AND GUIDANCE AGAIN.
HOPEFULLY I WILL SUCCEED IN MAKING SOME CHANGES IN MY LIFE THAT WILL LEAD TO A BETTER FUTURE....
it seems... I just went in circles again... allowing myself to believe his promises that he would " change" THIS TIME and start being the husband I can count on.

Things were good for awhile...
I saw him making an honest effort to come home after work..girls had quit calling his cell phone.. he was checking in and letting me know his wherabouts and when he would be home. He was spending more quality time with me. The one thing I need from him however is that he do the things that will regain my TRUST for him. that was LOST because of ALL of the LIES that came with hiding his drug use and everything that goes along with that "secret" life of his... the late nights out.. the money not accounted for...the crazy cell phone messages...
My self-esteem, my finances, and my zest for life has been crushed by his actions...and I think after more than two years of this... that I AM ready now to proceed with the HARD NOSE ADVIse I have recieved here to GIVE up and KICK HIM OUT.
I KNOW that I would have the strength to leave him...if I could just pack my bags and leave the house... but I have to get him to move out of the house as the mortgage and most bills are in my name. Getting him out has been my problem because I feel sorry for him cause I know he does not make enough to even rent a decent apartment by himself. He has a great job and makes good money but after his wages are garnished for child support, and past child support debt as well as new credit card debt he does not make enough to rent an apartment or live alone. He is a Nice person...he really is...and I still do LOVE him.. I am sad because I believe he is addicted to meth and that he has tried to stop but cannot seem to stop.
I am afraid that If I kick him out he will be homeless, he will be depressed as he does not want to break-up and claims to love me, he will lose his ability to see his kids as he will not have a place to take them... and that he will develop a worse habit and may end up losing his job... getting in more debt or even killing himself...

I know that I am not responsible ... but I still worry about what will happen to him. Where will he go? where will he live? what if his car breaks down (junky-car) and he doesn't have money to fix it and can't get to work and loses his job?...
How can I put him out and practice this "tough love" and not worry or feel guilty???
HELP!
thedogsmom

October 21, 2006
6:19 pm
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taj64
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I went through the same experience. I had help from my family. I changed the locks and made sure he knew that this was the end. I could no longer feel sorry for him. This was over 10 years ago for me. In all these ten years he has not changed too much. Not hardly at all. It was the right decision for me. You cannot worry about what happens to him. If he can do anything to seek drugs and woman, then he can do anything to get himself out. It is not your job. Your job is to help yourself now. Let him decide the how to stuff, just tell him to leave.

October 21, 2006
7:47 pm
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cyndra820
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TDS,

Taj is absolutely correct.

Your husband is responsible for taking care of himself. If he doesn't know how, he'll figure it out. If he can't rent an apartment, he'll have to start small with a room somewhere. His well-being isn't your concern.

He will figure it out on his own while you heal and move on. There is nothing wrong with loving him, but you don't have to be his caretaker. He is a grown man. He can, and has, taken care of himself. Let go and Let God.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 21, 2006
8:52 pm
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mamacinnamon
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thedogsmom:

You will worry about him because you love him. You will want to help him out but you cannot because you love him. You are enabling him because you love him.

Until he does finally hit whatever his rock bottom is then he will not ever get better because he does not have to get better. Until he does finally hit his rock bottom he will continue to use and abuse you. You will see him try just hard enough to get back into your door and then the cycle begins again and again and again until you have hit your rock bottom and either pull up or die.

Your name is on the house and the utilities. Are you renting or buying? If you are renting you call the landlord and give your 30 days notice. You call the utilities and tell them a shut off date.

Post in the local newspaper that.... I, (your name) will not be liable for any outstanding debt, current debt, or debt to be incurred by (his name) as of this (??) day of October 2006. You might want to check w/ your local newspaper or an attorney for the proper wording in your state.

I know it is hard to be in your position. I know you want w/ all your heart to help, but there is really nothing you can do but protect yourself. HE must want to change for change to incur.

((((thedogsmom))))

October 21, 2006
9:35 pm
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Travlin_lite
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Good Evening,
I know this is a rough time for you "thedogsmom". Get all the good support you need for you! Best friend, family, counselor whatever you need. It was so hard for me to leave the charmer behind. I lost my family, lost myself, lost my finances, almost my life. It was so difficult like you because "he was such a nice guy." I knew him from High School so that made it even tougher for he already was developing then and I forgot that "gut" feeling untill it was too late. Oh he tried to make me feel guilty about him having to go back to work, alcohol, cig, gambling and women it was all my fault. It was the hardest choice because I kept thinking of his good points and our friendship of 36yrs but now looking back a year and half later I realize I have had the courage at the babyboomer age, physically challenged, poverty income, to relocate, to meet my needs(he never did)medically, physically, mentally and financially. I am in a "safe" place and through counseling and prayer and hard work I am independent, redefined, and my family is coming together and I am feeling alive and responsible again. No one is worth taking your self-worth! One step at a time sometimes one moment at a time. If I can do it so can anyone else. Hugzz Anita

October 22, 2006
7:10 pm
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thedogsmom
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Thanks for the replies from the ones that have already helped me in the past at this site (taj64 and mamacinnamon) and the newbies to me here (cyndra and travelin-lite).

I hear what you all are saying...I shouldn't worry or feel responsible for a grown man of 47..... like mamacinnamon said though..problem is "I do---worry---" I said it once here, and I'll say it again... its like taking that bad cute puppy back to the pound when you know what a terrible life he may have there...
I just haven't been able to bring my self to do it..

my best friend...is SO codependent she has been with a liar and cheater for 8 years and finally plans to move out ,,,NEXT.. year in March....so even though I can talk to her...she isn't a good role-model for me.... hmmmm and when I told my mother--- also very supportive of me.... her first reaction was "well- you can't put him out cause he won't have anywhere to go?"..... NOW I guess that may be were my codependency comes from???? then my mother .... even suggested to me that maybe my husband could rent a room from her???? she thought better of it...though and knows that WONT help as she lives 5 minutes from me!!!
She loves him too...as he Is this really nice charming guy...and he is NOT lazy and helps with everything...cooking...cleaning...household chores/ yard work/ property management....and is quick to help my parents and reliable to them whenever they ask for help.
I'm feeling a bit stronger though...since I told my mother...the pretending I was happy for a year...or so she thinks.. really it has been over two years that we've had problems after 5 WONDERFULL YEARS WITH NOT ONE FIGHT!... anyhow...the pretending was killing me... and now..that the "cat" is out of the bag about his drug use and irresponsibility...I do feel maybe ..just maybe...I can get the strength to stick to my guns this time and follow-through with breaking up with him!... I guess I've been spinning my wheels trying to get him to change....and You all were right...that the desire to change has got to come from him... he's happy living with me...and using his money on his recreation....and staying out with friends I don't know...
I am the one with the problem... and he doesn't seem to get what my complaint is with him...maybe even feeling "entitled" to the free rent..as he does so much around the house to help....

cyndra and taj---you are right!-- its NOT my job to figure out what he is going to do with the rest of his life...THats HIS job! I am only enabling him.. allowing him to use his money..for drugs and other woman??....while I pay for his car insurance and rent and...childrens christmas presents....etc....
YES you are right...THATS HIS responsibility! and IF he were a smart man...and really had to...he could afford to rent a room somewhere for a while and work some overtime instead of wasting the money on drugs or alcohol or whatever he is doing with it...!! JUST TELL HIM TO LEAVE!!
I DID this....just waiting now for him to give me a date on when he will be moving... He is supposed to talk to me about this on tuesday...otherwise I told him..I would give him a date where I will be putting his stuff outside and changing the locks...

mamacinnamon - balled my eyes out this am reading your response as you all seem to know my dillemna too well.
it is SO true...when we have had these fallouts in the past ...he has changed JUST long enough to get me to give-in and try again....and then..
after my hopes are up...that we will be that happy couple... THERE he goes again....making the same darn mistakes over and over again!..guess I have to be strong and just work on myself about how it won't be my fault if all he ever amounts to is a crack?crank? user...I tried to help him...I gave him choices... HE is choosing to deny that he has a drug problem and maybe he doesn't ... maybe he just doesn't think he should have to help with the bills and should be able to go out and hang out with whomever he wants to as long as it's not on a regular basis...and thinks I should just 'trust' him that he is NOt cheating...
truth is... at this point he.. is continuing to LIE to me ... and that is enough reason for me to ask him to leave...When trust is gone... kind of difficult to have a good relationship.. and it takes guts to tell the truth...when the truth is ugly and hurts others.. he can't seem to do this... so ....its my choice now..i guess... stick to my guns.. give him a deadline to move by... and then change the locks... and join that NO CONTACT club...!
send your "be-strong" vibes this way!
I'm feeling them already.. soon I will be travelin-lite TOO! if you can do it travelin lite with all your financial hardship... I should be able to do it.. I have great freinds and family and am financially stable...just have debt now...because of him... NO ...let me correct that.... my debt ..is because I have chosen to help this man.. who won't help himself... and I choose not to do this anymore!...
thanks all --- I type fast ...so my replies are long.. i know... sorry..
journaling here helps too.
the dogs mom.

October 23, 2006
11:12 am
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mamacinnamon
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thedogsmom:

I think I need to clear up a misconception. You said... "soon I will be travelin-lite TOO! if you can do it travelin lite with all your financial hardship... I should be able to do it.." Honey, I'm still w/ my hubby. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.

At this time I don't have the option to travel light, and yes it's due to financial problems. Not just money, but health insurance, no income, etc. My scripts w/ insurance are over $500 a month.

At this time my hubby is clean; not tryin to be kind, but not usin. We have always had problems, since he lied about things when we met, but we've tried a few months ago things have never been as rotten as they seem now. Always seems worse when you are in the fire rather than out.

I don't want to douse your plans or your strength to get up and act on what you stated above. I am very proud of you that you are gonna do this. I feel you should go ahead w/ your plans. I just didn't want you to look at me and think "if you can then I can". I will say tho, YES, I did from my first marriage. So, technically, yes, I can and have travelled light and it is much better than living w/ the abuse and lies on a daily basis. And, if things don't change here soon I will be travelling light again, somehow.

That said, I just have one thing left to say... YOU GO GIRL, you travel light and you make a wonderful life for you.

October 23, 2006
9:24 pm
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thedogsmom
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thanks again mamacinnamon,

well, you got strong enough to leave the first marriage.. so Yes you did do it!. I'm happy for you that your husband was able to get and stay clean and that things are working out for you..although I know times are'nt always easy.. I'am afraid to accept your YOU GO GIRL ..words...as suddenly I am feeling weak again.

October 23, 2006
9:44 pm
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mamacinnamon
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why feeling weak again??

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