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Does the cycle ever truly end?
October 29, 2006
1:30 am
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sis_who_got_help
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Just wondering if the cycle of codependance ever really ends, or is it that you just sit in the middle of the circle with a fence built around you? I did really good about not letting my codependance come back until recently, and it really shocked me that those feelings were still there. And they feel so fresh.

October 29, 2006
3:57 am
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SassyAlex
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This is a great question, one that has been coming to my mind recently. On the one hand I want to believe there is hope, on the other hand, I see how easily it is to fall back into something like codependency even after a lot of growth. It's very difficult. Most addicts don't recover. Sadly, most people who go through life involved in chaotic relationships often repeat the cycle over the years...
It's depressing, but do we have any option other than to try?

October 29, 2006
7:46 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I think that it never really goes away.

BUT we CAN break the cycle.

The key is finding a partner who brings out the best in us, not the worst - which is the codependent crazies.

I am codependent. But I think I got it licked. It takes alot of work, alot of vigilance, alot of patience with yourself and alot of focus....focus on YOU. It can be done.

Will it ever go away? maybe not....but it can be controlled.

October 29, 2006
7:55 am
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snowlover
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i think it can end. But it takes so much determination and WILL on your part. You have to change your way of thinking, and your way of relating to others around you.

Ive had to end significant relationships that were destructive to my healing, and thats tough stuff. But..if you have people close to you that hinder instead of help, sometimes you dont have any choice if you truly want to recover.

Snow

October 29, 2006
8:57 am
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chardy
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Yesterday I posted about my funny day in A & E see 'this could only happen to me'. It wasn't all good or funny. I met a 14 year old girl there, she was homeless, her mother had thrown her out because she had beat her mother up with a baseball bat. The girl was drunk and had cut herself badly on her arms and wrists. She had been at the hospital every day last week.

My heart went out to her, how can a child be so messed up? All of my codependancy issues reared up. I could give her a home and lots of love, I could fix her. They were my feelings but I didn't act on them instead we had chat, I gave her a hug and she appeared to be happier. That is as much as I can give. I wish I could have done more but she needs professional help.

I believe that we can break the cycle although maybe the feelings will never go away.

Chardy

October 29, 2006
9:02 am
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taj64
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I think you just learn to live with it better once you realize it and accept that you are codependent. Everyone is codependent to some degree anyway.

October 29, 2006
1:34 pm
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gracenotes
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It takes a lot of vigilence, and yes, I too have had to either say goodbye to or readjust some relationships. Its a tricky problem because it is so easy to go into denial about things.

This morning I spent some time with my Facing Codependence workbook by Pia Mellody and Andrea Miller. Always gives me a lot to think about. This book, along with being here, helps keep me on track. I am slowly working through this.

Today I read about negative control. This is about this need, a codependent's skewed need for control and safety, to define other people without their permission, tell them who they are, what they should do, think, feel, without their permission. This was a big one to read about because this negative control, either as the one doing this in the past, or having this done to me, has absolutely destroyed some relationships.

Right now I just cannot even relate to my previous (I guess) best friend of many years. I cannot stand the way she negatively defines me and tries to take the joy out of me. It is her codependency problem, but it sure has ruined a solid friendship and to bring this up with her would just put up a wall of laughter and denial. Getting better can also mean saying goodbye to some people in your life, and sometimes that's not easy at all, but it is the best thing to do.

October 29, 2006
2:59 pm
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elizabeth anne
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Looking at from now an outside perspective and the processing of the truth... I have found it is so predictable... I became a revolving door, make up to break up... I was so emeshed to think it is different this time... In reality it wasn/t.. It was easier to go back into the comfort zone so to speak...

Now, I am starting to recognize when those emotions become most apparent... I need to recognize the reality and face the facts rather than the emotions. A very hard push pull between emotions and truth...

Once, learning the truth, I became aware of how predictable I was and he was... The dance is now becoming stagnate as the respect for myself becomes more important.... I can/t fix, save or help someone that doesn/t want to help themselves... My needs are more important to my growth...

Does the cycle end... I believe it can, it just takes alot of readjusting your thinking process and that in itself may also take alot of time and working diligently on knowing how to become aware when the codependency rears its head.

Once you recognize it for what it is, you can think outside the box and say.. This is my codependency talking here, I recognize it and I refuse to take the bait....

October 29, 2006
4:09 pm
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Rasputin
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I think it's a process and it can slow and take time by stripping away all the wounds and hurts of the past. We have to be patient with ourselves and the process and remember all the time that "We are work in continuous progress."

The beauty about this journey is that we should Not do it alone. We should go to support groups, read good self-help books, stay in touch with healthy people, discard and keep our distance from unhealthy toxic people, coz many people are going to resent us, make fun of us, discourage us etc.

The bottom line is it is FUN!!! We have each other here on this wonderful site that is open 24/7 by loving each other unconditionally, praying for each other on a permanent basis...I am pretty sure the journey will be much enjoyed and it won't look as scary or ferocious as it may seem.

~Ras~

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