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DOES ATTRACTION GROW WITH TIME?
January 1, 2006
8:17 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Tomorrow I am going on a date with someone I met over 2-1/2 years ago at a function. We had emailed each other maybe 2x since we met and he finally called me just before New Year's eve to invite me to spend it with him. I told him I had something else planned, so now he is inviting me for the day after near years...problem is I am not really attracted to him..but he seems very nice and has been interested in me for so long and I am tired of dating losers. He happens to be a professional which is a plus.

I tend to be attracted to the bad boys and I am thinking that perhaps this relationship could be different because he is definitely not one of those.

We have a lot in common, even our religion and of course he is very intelligent.

I am so used to dating handsome men and he would not be considered handsome...I should not be concentrating on the external but the internal because everything else fades except whats on the inside. Does the attraction grow with time?

What do you guys think of this situation.

 

 

2bHappy

January 1, 2006
8:25 pm
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hbdude2k
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To me....I must be attracted to them from the outside too. I just couldn't settle for this or that. Why depress yourself later on in life, but then again, take it one day at a time and see how you grow to him. Just don't give in and settle if your still not attracted to his "not so handsomeness".

January 1, 2006
8:50 pm
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Anonymous
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Um - I am divided on this issue.

If there is a HUGE turnoff - then no, it can't grow on you.

But if it's just not your "type" - then yeah, perhaps it can. And since your "type" has been unsuccesful so far, perhaps this is the key to success.

Also - consider that perhaps the lack of attraction comes from the idea that this guy is "safe and boring" as opposed to chaotic and high risk like a bad boy would be.

I always said I could not date a guy with ugly feet and back hair. And when I say back hair, I mean the black "rug" type.

But my last boyfriend was short, overweight, balding and had ugly feet and back hair - but it was blonde, not black.

But love is blind - and in time - I didn't see these things.

Now - BLACK back hair REPULSES me - I could NEVER go there - but the blonde was something I got used to....it wasn't exactly a rug - but there was enough there to make fun of.

I also am attracted to shorter guys - and yet, my current boyfriend is 6 foot and younger - which was also not typical for me.

Why not try it - there is NOTHING saying you have to be instantly attracted to him and be ready to get "hormonal" with him from day one....sometimes attraction grows from being loved in a healthy way - from getting the love and respect you deserve from someone.

But

January 1, 2006
9:39 pm
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mamabear
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I think it is a big plus that he's a professional,intelligent, nice, and shares your beliefs-- and the fact he is interested in you for some time shows that you can keep his attention.

My husband is not the one that I would choose if it were all based on looks. But his personality and drive really won me over. He just would not give up on us all through the years when I tried to quit so many times.

Is he what you would call handsome? Not by my standards but he is not UGLY either. Am I attracted to him? Hell yeah I am. Attraction is not necessarily all physical.

So I think it can grow on you, I am living proof 😛

January 1, 2006
10:06 pm
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lost and found
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2b-try it . you might actually like him. u just said you are always attracted to the bad boys and u didn't want to do that anymore, so u are going to have to make changes that are not familiar to u. who knows, it might be the best thing u ever did.....

January 2, 2006
1:56 am
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2BHAPPY
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He is also a medical doctor which makes him a very accomplished individual so this is why I am giving this a chance...Havent seen him for a couple of years..maybe he has changed.
Anyway, wish me luck tomorrow on our first meeting after almost 3 years.

 

 

2bHappy

January 2, 2006
3:01 am
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doctors_wife
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Hi,

I am new to this board, but i thought i would write to you as it seems we are in a similar situation, or slightly similar: Meeting a doctor, and having a past of men not so great.

If i may comment on a few things (and please forgive me if i am wrong).

Honey, the first thing i noticed is you dont seem that keen on this man, even like u are forcing this relationship just because he seems like a nice guy and is a doctor. The way you worded things sends out big messages of doubt. Your words about "suitability", that he "seems very nice", "has been interested in me for so long" and "im tired of dating losers" etc. This all radiates to a point of "he is a nice guy but just not my type".

HOWEVER dont get me wrong or anything. I do believe that attraction can grow with time, and you can begin to like a person that you didnt in the start.

Maybe it is just doubts talking, and i wanted to say, that is OK! As this is a new thing for you. Take things easy, and dont try to force something if it isn't there. But be open for new things.

If you think this guy is a nice guy, i would advise you to give things ago. There is no harm in getting to know this guy.

What conerned me a bit was just the way you worded 2 things "he SEEMS very nice".... as though you have met guys in the past that SEEM nice, and turn out to be losers. If i am correct.... Dont let the past put you off. This guy may SEEM nice, and he may turn out to be GREAT!

You said yourself this guy is not your usual type. Is that REALLY a bad thing? You say you tended to be attracted to bad boys in the past. Maybe your "type" has been wrong in the past, and needs adjusting. This guy might be a good place to start

However in the end, a question we all must ask ourselves is "Are we wanting this man, or are we wanting the experience of loving and being loved". If we do not truely like a man we meet, no matter how hard we try, we should not force a relationship.

Now, about physical attraction. Somethng on many peoples minds and for good reasons 🙂 This attraction, the racing of our heart,... all those things is often just temporary. While it doesnt fade totally, in most cases can dwindle.
While it is not the most important thing in a relationship, we should NEVER underestimate its importance. If the relationship advances oneday to marriage,..... could you stand waking up every morning to the same person if you do not like them at all? I know i couldn't.

My personal issues with the doctor were merely time related, and if he could spend enough time with me, however I have posted another post called "Being married to a doctor", if you would like to read it at all.

Anyway maybe my points were right, maybe they are wrong, just thought i would try to shead some light on things how i saw them. Take your time, and MOST importantly, be open to different people and new things.

Hope things work out well for you.

January 2, 2006
8:43 am
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Mishy2sons
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I would give him a chance. You might not end up with a lover, maybe just a friend. I do believe, though, that we can grow to love someone, that love can develop.

I am not sure what you are utimately looking for. If it is marriage, then finding someone who shares your values and interests and who is caing, may be more important that finding someone who makes you sweat when he walks in the room. Sure, who wouldn't like to have both, but it isn't always possible.

January 2, 2006
7:30 pm
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2BHAPPY
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So I went out with him today and he is a very nice person...he does need to fix a few things physically..he was very caring and was very detailed in everything...a real gentleman. Highly intelligent.

But I kept thinking of the attraction...would I ever want to sleep with this man?

I am looking to get married and would like to find someone who is honest, caring and will treat me with respect and who can share my own beliefs.

Being with a doctor would be great...but there has to be a physical attraction and he is just not someone I would date if he were not a doctor.

 

 

2bHappy

January 2, 2006
8:03 pm
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Anonymous
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I would say try it a few times.

what do you mean he has to fix a few things physically?

I think that if you find someone that makes you feel like a princess in the way he treats you - you start seeing the prince emerge from the frog.

It has alot to do with having an open mind.

But if you are truly repulsed by him - stop now.

But if it's simply an issue of no instant attraction - give it some time.

PLUS - here's a big one - you can date him without wanting to rush into the bedroom, which ruins ALOT of new romances - you can take your time to see if things "grow" based on mutual respect and interest.

I think the fact you AREN'T attracted is a good thing - cuz things won't move too fast.

January 2, 2006
8:35 pm
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free spirit
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Hi 2B,

I was also curious about your statement that he needs to fix a few things physically - lose some weight, get a back wax? haha!!

I'm glad you gave him a chance - I think too that it's a good thing to break out of familiar patterns and you never know unless you try!!

I always like to feel that chemistry of attraction when I meet someone, but it does sometimes steer you wrong if you're not careful.

However, the attraction could very well grow with time. Often my feelings about a person ultimately impact the way I perceive them physically - you know what I mean? If I like them I tend to find them more attractive and if I don't like them it colors it the other way!

Good luck!!

January 2, 2006
11:20 pm
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2BHAPPY
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I was looking at him and his face is not that bad looking..very smooth skin. but he has a couple of crooked teeth which would make a big difference in his looks. But like they say, you should never try to change a person and if I was ever to mention it to him, he would think I am only interested in the exterior.

I do like the part where its a good thing that I am not attracted to him because things will progress much slower than the others. The other men I've dated would go so fast and promised and planned so many things in my head where I felt like I was in a race to get somewhere....of course it was to BED.

I am concentrating on a friendship as he seems to be a very nice caring intelligent individual.

 

 

2bHappy

January 3, 2006
12:59 am
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overcome
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You cannot make a fire without first a spark.

January 5, 2006
4:02 pm
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Marlex
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Well, just an update.

Since I acted a little aloof on the date and he was being so nice to me. I decided I would call him which I did to ask him if he wanted to join me and a few friends at my house for the football game which he declined because he was working out.

I really felt like I came accross as being a bit of a show off which is something that I need to tame down. I started feeling guilty about my actions that day and wanted to kind of repair the damage as this is why I called, DAMAGE CONTROL and letting him know that I was approachable and opening the door for him to call again.

We had a few minutes of conversation and being that he was working he said he would call me another time. But most men say they are going to call and they dont.

Now, this is where my problem lies..I get really needy and feel rejected when they dont call. All of the sudden, someone who I was not attracted to...is appealing to me.

What is that all about?

January 6, 2006
1:05 pm
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Anonymous
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2B -

My current BF has crooked teeth with a gap in between the bottom front ones.

And that was the FIRST thing I noticed when we met.

And it's the LAST thing I notice now.

It's there, and occasionally it catches my attention - but in the end - he has an AWESOME build - and very attractive otherwise...even though I never dated guys on the tall side - he is still great to look at in my book.

He also dresses the same all the time - jeans, tshirt and sweatshirt - and he only likes grey, blue and black....but again, that's just a quirk.

These looks and quirks do not change his capacity to love me, his ability to treat me well - nor his ability to be a good husband and father.

In the end, all those teeth are bound to fall out anyway - just like hair - it changes in time...as does skin and weight.

Take time to get to know the person inside - you may be surprised.

January 6, 2006
1:08 pm
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Anonymous
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Marlex,

frequently we are attracted to people that are "unavailable" because it feels safe - comfortable and familiar.

We know how it is to be with these kinds of people. We know what to expect. And it validates our belief that we are no good and that our self worth is shot.

When you grow up in a family or find yourself in a relationship with someone that is emotionally unavailable - then you repeat that pattern later on - cuz it's something you "know".

Plus, if you were always fighting to get your parent's attention - this is a situation where you are trying to win attention this time - yet SUCCEED this time, where you didn't as a child.

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