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Does anyone think they are cured from co-dep and then it rears its ugly head again?
May 30, 2006
3:17 pm
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I am a recovering co dependent who got out of an abusive relationship almost two years ago. I havent dated and tried to heal myself only to find myself sinking back into my codependent ways.

What triggered it was of course a guy. I dated this guy for 3 weeks who I really liked. I decided to end it after I discovered he was dating me and another girl. He was honest he said he wanted to get to know both of us better and then make a decision.

I decided that wasn't for me and ended it. Even after I did what was best for me I question my deciison, have anxiety attacks, and I am depressed.

Does it ever end or am I ddomed to feel out of control when it comes to relationships and all these old issues that creep up!!

May 30, 2006
3:49 pm
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taj64
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it sounds as if you are expectations are too high, that you expect one on one right away. I think you are afraid to be hurt so rather than let it ride its course to see if decides to date you even further that you cut it short without even giving it a chance. Do you really think that was realistic? Im sure you have a lot of good qualities, enough for the guy to open up and tell you he was also going out with someone else. I have tried the internet dating and believe me when you first start, you have to go with a few different ones to see waht it is about. You're not going to be attracted to all of them, maybe even a small percentage. It really takes a lot of time to know someone so how come you are not giving this guy a chance for him to know you. Maybe you are cheating him out of a great girl. Most people are anxious when they date someone in the beginning. I think you should try to pinpoint the fear of getting to know someone rather than just saying it is not for you this types of man who wants to date the both of you to know you. It is not as if he is asking you to go to bed just yet. He is looking for someone serious too. I think just focusing on yourself again will bring you back from what you feel today. Sometimes it takes more than a few years to get over an abusive relationship. And it is good to be nervous because it means you are paying more attention to what you need. This is just a temporary feeling and won't be with you for long.

May 30, 2006
6:10 pm
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Taj64,

Thanks for the advice! I think you were right about alot of things.I am so afariad of getting hurt that I probably did cut it off to soon. I just couldnt take liking someone again and then having to deal with the pain. The reality is though that even if I made a wrong decision I have made it and there is nothing I can do about it now. Also if it is meant to be it will be. I just dont know how I can not so scared to date a person and have him date mulitple people.

May 30, 2006
8:39 pm
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Anonymous
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Hey, 1Day, my story is floating around here, somewhere. But just the short version, here. I was married for 7 years to an alcoholic/addict. I was very codependent. I ended up divorcing him, once I accepted that I could not change or save him. BUT, I thought "he" was my problem, that once I was rid of him, I'd be cured.

I went ten years alone, no relationships. Then I met someone a few years back, and I realized, my codependency was ALIVE and KICK'N!! This is when I learned, that this "thing" is with me everywhere I go, and it's ME that I need to work on.

I am now broken up with the new guy, for about 2 months now, and getting stronger everyday. I'm learning how to depend on myself and not to rely on another to provide my happiness or peace. It's either there or it's not. In my case, it was not. So I had to accept it for what it was, not what I wished it would be, and move on.

It wasn't easy, but as the days go by, I know it was worth the pain of ending it. I'm not wondering about the "what if's" because I can look back, and now see the "what was".

Hang in there, and keep posting. There is ALOT of support and comfort here with people who truly understand!

Take care,

Jennifer

May 30, 2006
8:48 pm
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loving
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J,

I feel sad that I am strong when I'm on my own, but as soon as I get involved with a guy I feel really vulnerable, insecure and weak. It would be so nice to feel happy when I'm with someone but I don't but I don't want to be alone either. I think I push people away now so I don't get hurt by them but just feel empty without having love in my life. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to be in a relationship again now and that makes me sad. I don't know how to change it though.

May 30, 2006
8:58 pm
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Loving, I think we need to find the security within ourselves. Once we feel it, then we show it, and we attract the ones who will RESPECT it.

I've noticed that when I am feeling secure, there are all kinds of people around me. I don't mean men, but people in general. Decent people.

But I know what you mean, by when we are alone, is when we feel confident, to only feel weak and vulnerable, when meeting someone. I've only been in 2 relationships, but I've noticed that when I fall, I fall HARD! Too hard, to the point where I'll toss aside all of the REAL things that matter to me! So I'm learning not to forget the things that matter, and hopefully will someday find the one that will blend nicely with my beliefs.

(((HUGS)))

Jen

May 30, 2006
9:01 pm
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Thanks IPW,

All you advice was very welcomed and needed. I guess I just wish I could of gone with the flow and seen if things would of progressed with this guy. I feel like I let my pride get the best of me and thought, hey Im not going to compete with another girl for his affections. I guess I got so freaked out I cut it off cause I thought it was better then dealing with the alternative.

He was nice though. Honest, decent, considerate and how do you stop wondering what if? Also how do you find peace with your decision. I know I cant be with someone who dates multiple people at a time its just not in me but then again is that the way it is nowadays?

May 30, 2006
9:08 pm
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loving
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Jen,

I know you are right but however much I do respect myself, feel secure etc on my own I just can't stop it changing as soon as my emotions are involved. I think too that if it's the right guy, I wouldn't feel like that and I really don't feel I HAVE to be with someone for the sake of it .. but would love to have something special with a like-minded person.

May 30, 2006
9:26 pm
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1Day, It does seem to be the way of "playing the field". Not to just focus on one person. That has never been my way, either. I don't know how to do that, and I'm not sure how I would react to it if someone I met was doing that. There is no simple answer to that one. I know I would have a HUGE problem if I felt like I had to compete with someone else. I guess for me, it would feel like I'd be making a pitch for a sale. (((HUGS))) I'd just say to go with your gut. My gut always seems to be far ahead of my head and heart.

Loving, I'm like you, where I feel secure and confident until emotions become involved. Maybe THAT is what we need to work on. I'm still in the process of that and working on figuring it out. Yep, EMOTIONS are the kicker, with us! You have to remember, that I have 3 teen girls, and a TON of estrogen in my house, so the drama is THICK! But, until I can get my emotions where they all belong, (which seems to be MANY places. LOL!), I might need to remain alone for a while. I would like to have myself together enough, so if the right one does come along, I'll be "fit" for it. We'll see.

Life is just ONE BIG learning experience, so nothing, really, goes to waste!

Love ya'...

Jen

May 30, 2006
9:31 pm
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loving
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Problem is I always think I'm fit and ready ....until... emotions .... and then I find out all over again that I'm not. I hate that! I'm ok with passionate love affairs in the beginning until that point and I'm great with friendships too - it's that bit in the middle that's the problem I know I have to work on it and I really try - waiting, being cautious with who it is etc but I don't seem able to fix it! Maybe I'm just over-emotional, over-sensitive or something.

May 30, 2006
9:43 pm
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Loving, I think we are just over passionate people, not just with love, but in all aspects. I would like to find a way to tone it down, too. I would like to view a nice guy as just an "added bonus to my already stable life". But I know that is easier said than done! LOL! But it has become one of my new goals for the future. Time will tell...

Jen

May 30, 2006
9:54 pm
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loving
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Jen,

What you say is encouraging because you seem to have a bit of a handle on it so keep me posted!

I think it does all go back to the co-dependent thing... me all over!

I've been a bit more wobbly recently and have been re-evaluating my life which is why I really want to get it right now.

I had kids vey young and brought them up on my own which meant I never had time to work on me. My daughter got married a year ago and is about to have a baby any day now. I watch her in her marriage etc which is so different to everything I have ever known and it makes me so aware of the years I've wasted being miserable in relationships. Also her getting married, having a a baby etc seems to be having an effect on me that I don't quite understand. I'm really happy she's happy etc but it makes me realise I didn't ever get the balance right between caring for other people and caring for myself. It's all making me very emotional and unsettled somehow, Maybe she's passing all her hormones on to me or something - a bit like you were saying with you!

May 30, 2006
10:06 pm
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Well, I can sure understand on the feeling of missing out. I had twins when I was 19 and another when I was 20. AND an alcholic/addict husband to boot!

I'm 38 now, and feeling like I am just learning some things, that I didn't get a chance to learn while I was younger. I kind of feel like I've been growing up with my girls.

My twins just graduated and my youngest will next year, and I look forward to getting out there and learning as much as possible! (In a healthy way, of course! LOL!)

Hang in there. We just need to try and focus the things that have real meaning and keep moving forward. Afterall, I've already gone "backwards" as far as I can go! LOL!!

We'll get there, just like the auther's name of this thread, [email protected]!

Jen

May 30, 2006
10:25 pm
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loving
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I feel more like I "messed out" than "missed out"!! I wasted time on the wrong things, people etc and didn't focus more on what was good for me. As much when they were older when I could do what I wanted, as when they were younger when I couldn't. Learn from my mistakes ok?!!

May 30, 2006
10:29 pm
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loving
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I think I carried on with the "you first - me last" behaviour that I was used to doing with my kids - with everyone else. It was just a way of behaving that I had got used to and didn't balance it with looking out for myself as well. Maybe it's not too late to start over now?!

May 30, 2006
10:36 pm
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I think we've all "messed" out, Loving. That's why we are here. If we don't learn from the mistakes, what else will we learn from?

It's never too late to shift our focus on what is good for us. If we don't push ourselves enough with pure determination, then we can only expect to crash. And speaking only for myself, I have enough cuts and bruises from all of the crashes. And DAMNED if I'm going to continue on that path that I KNOW will lead me to all the wrong places!

I've had to find ways to "Buck Up" BEFORE I "*uck Up". (Sorry, that is not my usual language, it just seemed to fit the moment of yet ANOTHER "passionate" thought! LOL!) Sorry...

Anyway, we are here for ya', and always willing to extend all of the support we have to offer. This has helped me to stay focused. I hope this helps. (((HUGS)))

Jen

May 30, 2006
10:43 pm
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loving
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Jen,

Yes it does - hugely - thanks. Same for you - always here.

May 30, 2006
10:46 pm
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Thank YOU, Loving! We're a TEAM! 😉

Jen

May 30, 2006
10:51 pm
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loving
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Jen,

Too right!

I think one of the biggest mistakes I've always made is to give and do too much for everyone and the relationship etc. I am learning that if I do or try to do everything all the time I don't give anyone else the chance to do it and then you both get into the habit "roles" of me being the one to give and them taking. Once you get into that role it's hard to change. I'm going to try now to do my bit - but no more and sort of "let go". I'm beginning to see that then other people kick in - and are happy to do it. At least, that's my theory - I'll have to see if I really can do it without looking indifferent and if it works!

May 30, 2006
11:34 pm
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1Day, we haven't forgotten ya', here!! Hope you stick around! We all know where you're coming from and we're here for you!

Jen

May 31, 2006
8:20 am
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Robert123
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I've heard if you want to know how healthy you are...get in a relationship. I guess this is where the issues a person has tends to surface. A test of how codependent I am. Do I have appropriate boundaries? Do I know how I feel about things or what I want and need? Where is my focus throughout the day, on the other person? If the other person leaves will I still be ok?
I think it's easier to learn some of the skills necessary to be in a relationship while single but to put them to use and really test them takes being in a relationship and risk being vulnerable.
R

May 31, 2006
10:17 am
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taj64
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[email protected],

It is ok that you regreted not giving it a try with this guy. You learned a lesson and that is not to do this next time. You can see that you liked this guy but you felt insecure to compete with someone else (jealous). It is ok to be jealous. Im the jealous type and I know this guy that has been calling me, seems interested but not enough and I highly suspect he would still go out with others. I can see this guy is not ready for a relationship. But in your case I think you are set in your way that when people date, they are exclusive and date one-on-one. I understand because that is how I think it should be however that lesson has be learned and you really do need to compare when looking for someone special. You realize that you liked this guy more than you thought and you are disappointed in yourself for not trying. Someone else will come along because afterall this guy came along didn't he? Who is to say that no one will ever come along after that? I bet anything in a few weeks you will not be thinking about this and have moved on. It always hurts at first. Think of all your good qualities and know that this is what attracts the guys including this one you probably should not have passed up on. And who is to say he won't call again. Men have a way of coming around even when you think they are totally gone. That guy I mentioned, i dated him a year and half ago and out of the blue on Mother's Day he sent me text message so men do show up unexpected. Don't give up so easily. nobody ever gets cured from co-dependency but don't let it rule your life either. Know that you are not perfect, that little codependent things that pop up, do go away. Seriously, they do and admire yourself for how far you have come and keep trying. As my daughter said to me one time after my really rough time to get over my ex and I cried on the toilet because I didn't want her to see me cry and she told me..."Mom, there are plenty of fish in the sea" You know she is right. How do young children get so wise? There are plenty of others out there so don't give up. And for me to say this I have hope. I have never had a decent relationship in my whole life yet I still believe that I could have one, someday.

May 31, 2006
10:29 am
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I guess what scares me (and causes me to "settle" for a man who does not treat me, as well as I treat him?) is my age. At 56, my youth is gone and I have very little to offer a man, in terms of appearance. Even though I am a well-kept 56, I am still old. There isn't a huge market of available men for women in my age group, so I fear being alone for the rest of my life, unless I am willing to settle for a problem-man. Anyone able to relate to this?

- Strong

May 31, 2006
10:34 am
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taj64
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Yes Strong, I can relate though I am younger. I am 42. The available men that are my age are usually divorce for a reason or single for a reason, those reasons usually are not good. I am learning this so quickly.

May 31, 2006
2:39 pm
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loving, i give give give, never take or get. I found out now from my post "....smarter got dumb again". I just cant stop handing everything over to my 29 year old son. He went thru crack addiction, but i got wiped out, my husband who i would like to divorce if i stop giving my kid the money from my disability check, he left me stranded he is in prison for last 5 years now, drugs, everyone leaves donna to fix all, and i do, but only for them. I have this fear, if thats what it is, i cant figure it out, i have to help my son, or else, but i keep saying or else what, he already lived on the streets i left him last year. I know we have no relative s and friends and hello, here is the reason why, they are tired of me complaining and not doing. I could write a book on do's and dont's but i couldnt live them.

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