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July 2, 2007
1:52 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Guys, it's me Seeing Stars: im back, i know its been a while.

mamacinnamon, gingerleigh, and for all the rest who came to my aide

I'm the poster who post: I needed to get out of my abusive parents house, i am a seraget mother to my neice and nephew, and my boyfriend didnt want to be in an relationship with me but kept lying and saying it was a great relationship. I hope you guys remember me, cause i didnt forget about you guys, you really help me, though im leaning about who i am

I found this website about a year ago, with no other options available, i sort help anyway i could : during the time i was posting about my life, while i was still watching my brothers children (my neice and nephew), and my mother was still verbally and physically abusing me in front of them.

I needed to leave my parents house but i was still watching my niece and nephew, and since daycare was not an option i HAD to be their caregiver: so for about a year i spent my time, cleaning, cooking, and watching over my brother's children. Around September of 2006, I finally had a way to get out, my neice and nephew were finally getting into daycare, so I research live-in programs to go to: Jobcorps was the only place i could finish my high school education and continue on to get my lisence degree, so im now currently in Jobcorps.

I've only been there four months: and im now learning about myself, who i am.

Guys im co-dependant! And for a while i knew something was up with the way i handle relationships........... Most of everything that a co-dependant is, is how i act! Even though it is said that CO-dependant people are self-fish, i really do only have true intent for every relationship i start.

I started this "friendship" with this guy, but it turned into a intimate relationship: the thing is, i dont like him and he doesnt like me in a boyfriend\girlfriend type way. Everytime we are together it usually ends up that we kiss, and he DOES start every sexual encounter.

Anyway for a while now i've been trying to distance myself from him, since i now know that intimacy occurs everytime we are together.

To make a long story short, I keep coming back to him, and i think about him often: just the way a co-denpendant person involves themselves whole-heartiedly with a person. I dont love him and i dont even like him, for the fact that he is a USER, but then again i let him use me.........

He's everything that is wrong for me, but i dont want to let him go: he says he wants a relationship with me "(even though i know im not his type and he just want to have someone to call his), but i think about him everyday.

We had a talk about EVERYTHING that has happen between us and both of us, knows what each other wants: NOT EACH OTHER: but i know im co-dependant, and since i LIVE at this JOBCORP center........ I'll see him everyday.....

He says he doesnt want a friendship with me if he cant have a relaitonship with me: and i all of my time i spent on Jobcorps has been with him......

What am i suppose to do, he is my friend and i am close to him: But is this the CO-dependant Speaking in me?

I'm depressed and havent eaten in three days, i dont want to lose him..... Are my feelings real?

Please Help

Seeing Stars

July 2, 2007
2:21 pm
st regis falls, ny
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm sorry for your pain, but congratulate you for moving forward in a positive way.

I think that job corps should provide counseling for their students...I really do.

My daughters father went into the job corps after getting me pregnant...leaving me behind. Within three months there, he had another girl pregnant.

I think that the people that join job corps usually come from broken homes or have had a rough start and are trying to start over again...and need as much guidance as possible.

That being said.

I think that you ARE codependent on your friend...perhaps more that you are clinging to him - afraid of losing him - afraid of having NOTHING - tolerating less than wonderful just to be able to have something.

How about making MORE friends - so that you don't have to rely on just this one...perhaps taking the focus off of him. See about counseling. If you want good reading - women who love too much and codependent no more are great reads.

Alot of time, it's our self esteem that is in the toilet...that makes us settle for second best. And perhaps that is the bigger issue here.

Congrats on seeking a better life..I wish you the best.

July 2, 2007
3:05 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi seeingstars and welcome back

I remember some of your previous post.

Wish I had some easy answers, but the only advice I can give you is to keep posting here, this is a very supportive group (as you know).

One thing I have tried doing is to think of myself as "precious" or "valuable", and believe that some parts are not to be given away freely. Secrets, intimacy, even time. It sounds weird, but I think non-codependents do it better. I always gave away too freely, to the wrong types.

It's just a way of thinking higher of yourself, and not settling for being f-buddies, if that is not what you want.

Good luck


July 2, 2007
3:45 pm
st regis falls, ny
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

one more thing...I KNOW your feelings are real...but I don't know that your feelings are telling you to get closer to him, but rather farther away.

perhaps by not listening to your feelings, you are making yourself all confused and upset.

I think you DO want someone to be close to...and if he wasn't asking for something more...you could enjoy the friendship...but he is pushing for more, despite the knowledge that clearly you guys really don't WANT to be together or a good match.

stick to the reality - the simple truth...try not to get caught up in the fantasy.

how much longer is your training? what will both of you be doing afterwards? realize that you may go separate ways...or if you stay together, maybe your opportunities will be hindered by having to make decisions that benefit both of you, instead of looking out for yourself.

perhaps telling yourself that you are here as a career choice...for your future...and nothing can stand in the way of your career right now...cuz it's all you have.

just offering different ways to look at this so you can maybe put some space between you.

I strongly suggest finding some new friends to help take the focus off of just this one person...may help you see things a little more clearly.

Also, if you were kept in isolation at home...under watchful eye and taking care of the kids...you didn't have a social life...so it's normal to cling to the first friend you have...whether it's good or not.

I didn't have a social life either...and got to college and made MANY mistakes...hooked up with the wrong crowd...simply because they accepted me...and it was "easy"...but very unhealthy. I wasn't picky because I was too afraid I wouldn't end up with anybody...so I settled for scraps...just to avoid being alone.

You HAVE to be picky in life...nobody is going to take care of you, except you and you deserve NOTHING but the BEST. Don't give up until you find it...and don't be afraid to throw the duds back...and keep trying. BE PICKY

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