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Does anyone care to read this - Ruined yet more free than ever
November 13, 2004
1:25 am
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SegaMasterSystem
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In college I met a woman that I really focused on. I did what I would say is a healthy thing. Soon after meeting her, I asked her out, I asked her on dates. She sort of tip toed around these attempts. Then perhaps a few months after this time period I told her in an email that I really wanted to be with her. She wrote back nicely that, we were such good friends and she didn't want to ruin it, basically. For a period of one year, I basically gave her a lot of caring attension and befriended her in my own style. I probably wasn't really the greatest of guy friends, but I have a high level of patience, at least. We would spend a tremendous amount of time together on long college lunch breaks. It was like having a girlfriend. One day, a year after I orginally asked her out. I guess we couldn't aviod what was, between us. And I just kissed her in a room at the college, completely automatically. From this point on we began to form a real relatoinship, although I suppose she was hesitant. We had some good times, some fun. She might even call me her best friend in this period, or slightly before. Then one night she invitied me out to hang out in the city and I went to a bar with her and her friends. She was talking to a lot of guys, paid some attension to me. And we went back to her friends apartment that we were house sitting and we spent the whole night playing around. The next time we spent the night in that apartment, we had sex.
Then perhaps the 3rd or 5th time we spent a night in that apartment, having sex, I said something about, how I could stand to break up with her. And I was trying to point out that all I meant, was that I literally could live though it. I mean, couldn't anybody. She really didn't catch my vibe. And wrote me in an email that maybe we should reconsider what we were doing, although she also wrote that she couldn't quit me. When I got that email, I drove out to her home with a friend, and we took her to the dinner. With this visit I suppose I was back in the relationship. Things continued and I enjoyed myself very much, although somewhere in the back of my head I felt an alarm that, I simply have to do too much to make this relationship work, too much, this person somehow demands of me. I remember thinking that I didn't really want to hang out with my friends as much, and this person was it now.
At first she did some stupid things, say I'd drive out to see her saturday night. She had just spent friday night, getting completely trashed and was tired and hung over to be hanging with me on saturday. I'd make mention, that I'd like to see her every weekend and she seemed threatned by this, or conflicted. It didn't take long to get on this basic privilage. We did spend time together. We made time to see each other on sunday at college, and she complained that she didn't like coming down to the city on sunday. Then I started picking her up from work, and driving her home. A long trip on saturday nights, and something that felt completely unappriated. One time, I was late and she seemed really pissed.
There were times that I would look at other people on the street, or on public transportation. And feel like I was recalling a time in my life when I didn't have to worry, like I'd worry while with her. She was too serious, pompous or problematical and I was losing direction of my life.
The first couple of months, you might say in some sense however, were very nice and magical. World class sex and even love. I'm serious.
I took her to a vacation in another state and we spent a lot of time togehter and had a lot of sex.
When we got home I noticed that she was too depressed, on the phone. We live a long distance from each other.
Anyway, a bunch of things happened and I made a big move to call this entire thing off, with just a hand full of reasons.
What started it all for me was, that when we got back from vacation, she invited me out to a bar and introduced me to a bar tender. As soon as the man met me, he started playing with and flirting with her, for about three minutes, or whatever, and then out of my perspective. It was really disrespectful and I like to say that when that happened, I never really felt that dynamite I felt when we started.
Then I picked her up from work and we went to the movies, only that she seemed to have a big problem.
It just seemed that she was super nice and charming to everyone else AND to me for a year. But as soon as I was her boyfriend, that was not converted into a real love. Like I expected it to.
I was at her house and I told her, why did you flirt with that guy, etc. All she ever says is, "you knew I was like this before we started." While I understand her perspective, at the time, this made me feel completely like shit. I combined other reasons and walked out on her, feeling pretty confident about it.
She complained about my walking out and I rather quickly asked her to come back. Then I broke up a second time, feeling pretty really sure of it.
I then, talked to a friend of my families, thru instant messanger, and he was being hard on me. He asked me if I loved her and I said yes. We concluded that we should get back together. This was a big mistake. 10percent of me knew that. And 90 percent of me thought that maybe I was wrong all along about relationships and really need to go back.
By the time I was back she chewed me out pretty well and I stayed. These were the phrases I heard, "I wish I didn't love you so much." etc.
It troubled me that someone who was so charming a my friend for a year, could be so depressed on the phone, so rude to me and thoughtless.
She found out she had a low level STD and the summer of 2003 contained little sex. Furthermore, she didn't seem to really believe that I should want to stay with her if she couldn't have sex. I told her I wanted to stay. but honestly at this point, I was out of it, a long way from home, and losing my ability to enjoy life.
We continued on, and she came on a family vacation. I treated her very well on this vacation. I remember saying in front of a lot of people, that this was the best time I ever had coming to this vacation location, as I do every year. But, maybe I didn't know what I was talking about.
When we got back, I broke up with her again, because I just felt she was too difficult, cold and uncaring.
The ability to choose and control my own life, as a very intelligent man, didn't really exist anymore.
Leaves you stuck in a situation where you want to hit the reset button. And I made that an option.
We got together one more time, we felt in love. We spent this one day together which was nice, until it was 5AM at her house and we basically had tons of sex throughout the day.
However, in the late evening hours, and I do have a long ride home. She said some things that troubled me. I said, "you love me." And she said, "I know I love you." and she was mad. I said, "I love you too baby." BUt she never seems to believe it. She also had concert tickets, and she was like, "I don't know who I am going to take to the concert." And she started naming boys and girls names.
I felt I deserved to be the one going, and she seemed to just be playing with me.
I also began to feel bored with the sex, since we had so much.
I came home and I was consumed with anger, perhaps depressed and my brother also totaled the car that I drive to her with.
I wrote her an email that said I don't want to talk tonight, things don't look good, I never meant to hurt you, let's get together and talk.
As crazy as it sounds, I intended to tell her I wanted to stay with her, in this meeting.
She would not meet me, and ended the relationship.
This email I wrote, she wrote something back, ending the relationship, I guess. This enraged me, that she even wrote this, and would not meet me.
I tried to come to senses and get her back. I even had real chances and blew them I guess. However, she was very nasty when I contacted her.

I was trying to protect myself and trying to figure out what to do.

It always pulls me back in anger to that time I was confident about leaving her. And how I couldn't own that confidence anymore.

So when she was finally gone, I went crazy. And a full year later, she is very much on my mind.

Maybe she is like drugs.

Or maybe she is my true love.

What do you think?

Early on, I felt stuck in the relationship at times.

First few months were really refreshing and good.

I probably got a lot of slient treatment, with a side dish of unequal treatment and some manipulation.

My major failures, were all the breakups that I initiated. I think there were 6 or 7 of them.

Thank you

November 13, 2004
8:56 am
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mamacinnamon
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A relationship is not just good times. It takes two people giving 110% all the time. There are ups and downs and you have to pick each other up.

I'm not gonna say you blew it or that she was wrong. Only you can answer those questions. But 6-7 breakups is alot of breakups for there to not be something wrong or for her to put up with. You put her on an emotional roller coaster by doing that.

Glad you are here. Keep coming back if you'd like. There are lots of folks here w/ good insight and advise.

November 13, 2004
11:35 am
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SegaMasterSystem
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I guess it's hard for me to really describe what happened. Somehow a lot of bad was brought out in me in this relationship, I wish I could go back and just been myself.
I guess I see the breakup, us parting as too messed up. But, surly worse things have happened to other people.
I honestly feel that the condition I'm in now, I'd be prepared to make something beautiful out of it. I miss her and I'll basically never see her again for ever. Those two extremes, of really being together or never seeing each other, are very extreme.
As far as both people giving 110 percent all the time, I don't know if she'd do that for me. And it's far too late anyway. When she left she said, "You'll never know how much I loved you." "YOu'll never know what I would have done.
All of this by email.
There is so much thought that surrounds all of this that it makes me absolutely crazy. I guess it's not that bad most of the time.

6/7 breakups mean something, but the last one was wasted and in part a misunderstanding. I need to resolve this in my mind.
There is more to be said, but I'll stop for now.

November 13, 2004
11:46 am
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SegaMasterSystem
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Maybe I just want to call her, she would take my call. Maybe I just want to talk to her.

I just confuse what I would call "love" for her, by forgetting about what I was trying to leave.

When she answers the phone she will be a little antsy, but she will talk.

November 13, 2004
12:55 pm
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dvhenge
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hi SMS,
I think after reading your post that all of the answers you seek are in your post. Try reading it as if a friend was saying it to you about their own situation and see if you know what I mean.

I was in a situation I feel that was similar to your not so long ago. I liked her for like 6 months before we started anything and developed some feelings for her. When we started seeing each other she said she thought of me as a friend and that I wasn't really her type. I said I didn't think we would really work together because we were sort of different.

well feelings changed..sort of..We had an awkward yet exiting start after that and there was an intensity there, we'd stay up all night talking and being physical, but things started to be a problem because we were'nt really listening to each other's needs even though we were talking so much. Things started going sour and it became off/on. Part of me wanted it to continue and part of me wanted to run, and I think she knew that and it just became a disaster.

The love word was getting thrown around too loosely and I was in and out of it because of the instability of the relationship. Basicly it had to end and so I ended it. She said she just wanted to be friends anyways. I never felt like it was really over however. So we kept revisiting it for a while but it was dead. She moved on, pretty quickly I might add and still wanted to maintain a (very) close friendship with me but I can see now that I was just back in it (the relationship) on my side. She even wanted to talk to me about the new guy. What I realized was I needed to get away. I have talked to her and it has not been so good to do so. I still want to but when I'm listening to me I realize that I want to talk to the person who is in the fantasy, the person from back in the beginning. I have somehow become addicted to her, to the fatal nature of our situation. It is insaine for me to still want to be with her on some level after all the shit we went through. I wasn't happy. The definition of insainity is to keep doing the same thing expecting different results.

So I started coming here and reading Codependency no more and learning a bit about myself. I can see how I am dependent on someone else in order to make myself feel whole. It sounds stupid but I can see it now. So I have to fix that or make some attempt. Otherwise I think I will keep repeating that relationship in different forms.

The first thing for me is to set some boundaries about what is ok for me, and when those are crossed to stand up and put aside fear of the unknown, such as worrying that the person will leave or whatever and live acording to what is ok for me. I cannot be a doormat. I cannot live in a relationship where the OP constantly devalues me. I have to have some self respect for christ sakes. I am worth it. I believe that it is my faulty memory and my fear that there isn't someone out there that I will like that will treat me good also and that what I had even though it was a disaster is the best that I can do, and that is bullshit thinking.

I'm on my way, but it takes time to heal and for now that means not calling her even when I really want to hear her voice, when I really miss her, when I just want to hold her and feel that feeling again. I have to take care of me.

good luck to you, you are worth it man!
-dv

November 14, 2004
4:15 pm
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SegaMasterSystem
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I have discarded so many items from this relationship and sometimes I regret that. However, I still have some digital photographs. Thinking about her today, a lot, I figured to look through the photographs.
While I didn't have everything in life figured out at the time these were taken, I was only 21. These are photographs of an individitual who is seriously happy and would not be depressed or down about things.
There is another quality to the photos though, that maybe I was simply younger and different then. I wish I could be as happy as I was then, and maybe I could be.
On some level, it surly feels sad that I remember being able to be that happy and today it seems less possible. Even though the past year has continted obbcessive thoughts about losing this relationship, I can't help thinking that these photographs are the key to peace in the future.
To literally see a difference in what I did then, and what I can and will do now.
Paths to actual happiness seem impossible.
But I'm working on it, and trying to believe that I'm good enough. To put my talents forward, start socializing on the weekends more and find something to be happy with.
Maybe I could even call my ex and see if there is a chance in hell. But, since I'm only 23, maybe I should just bet on growth for now.

end of transmission. thank you

November 14, 2004
6:43 pm
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babysteps
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I also look at my photos from a few years ago and wonder who that girl was. The girl that seemed so confident and funny and secure. At the same time, she was naive and definitely didn't realize that she deserved people in her life who treated her wonderfully. At times, I wish I could recapture one of those moments...those happy moments where I could just be "me" and not be so analytical or insecure or so damn scared. In hindsight though, I know there were moments when I would have a meltdown and feel so out of place and alone.

Everything felt so easy then...so uncomplicated. Now, I am riddled with questions about myself, the people around me, the past, the future. I look at those pictures and wonder who that girl was...she seems so removed from who I am today...there are qualities and characteristics I wish I could reclaim from those photos and others that I am glad to be rid of.

It's amazing though...I am astonished about how much I have grown and changed in the past few years. I'm about your age too (25), and I am trying to reclaim (or reinvent) that girl who was so self-confident and outgoing and social. I hope that in time I can get to that place again.

Baby Steps

November 14, 2004
7:19 pm
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SegaMasterSystem
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I'd hope the truth isn't that I'm really a bigger monster than I thought I was. With some sort of major issue, or problem. It does seem impossible for me to live without guilt sometimes, or often. And on sad levels, it's like I'm waiting around for my cell phone to light up her number.
But, wouldn't I not be that person who I used to be, even if she called today.
I wish there was just a path to take that could replenish me and maybe I wish I could go with her on that path. I just don't know.
Had I broken up with her sooner, I don't think I'd feel so broken myself.

Like the sounds of trusted life long friends, gone, the more of a monster I became.

Maybe today is just a hard day.

Or maybe she is toxic and I can't aviod her.

To all of those suffering out there, I hope you all feel better. I'd like to believe if I could just get her back, I'd have my happiness back again. But, that is not a rational belief is it? I got dependent along the way.

Where is a flowing life? I swear I had it one day.

have a good night everyone.
I'll try to take care of myself, very much.

and to her, I'm very sorry. I either should have left you sooner, or tried real problem solving techiques to make it work.

I've learned to value the relationship you are in, enough, that you give it all the proper care you can. Such as, talking out problems and kind behavior.

I've learned that anger management is more important than I ever thought it was.

thank you very much

November 14, 2004
11:31 pm
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SegaMasterSystem
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Baby Steps, are you my ex girlfriend. She is 25 too.

🙂

thank you all for writing responces.

thank you

November 14, 2004
11:41 pm
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SweetAmanda
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SegaMasterSystem,

Such a sweetie! (((Hugs))) I love the name too! (Although I am partial to Super Nintendo) *LOL* I have been reading your thread. I too look at pictures of me from a few years ago, and think of when I was 'happy'. The thing is, back then, I didn't think I was happy. Is it like that for you?

It kinda makes me wonder if I will look back on pictures of these days and think 'man, I wish I could be that happy again'... Gee, I hope not. *Sigh*

~Amanda~

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