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do we work on it or not
February 18, 2006
10:40 am
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bbmatt50
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September 29, 2010
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I have been seeing a really great man for a year. Kind, caring, responsible, spiritual, no addictions. I broke up with him after the first of the year because he was smothering me. He became more insecure and needy and jealous as the relationship developed. When ever I tried to talk to him about these issues he just didn't "get it". I am not the sort of woman who cheats on a man or even flirts if I am in a relationship so it was not any action on my part that prompted this. A mutual friend gave him a book on co-dependancy and he has recognized that he needs help. He will be going to his first CODA meeting this Sunday. We have seen each other several times in the last few weeks and we have been able to talk about issues that drove us apart and our communmication is better than it's ever been. I have also pin- pionted several areas that I need to work on and have an appt with a counselor this week. He would like to jump right back into a relationship. I have suggested that we see each other casually and each do our work and then see where we are. I have set some guidelines for our "dates". He has agreed but he is having a hard time with them. I have a friend who is a retired clinical psychologist and she said the work he has to do can not be done in a relationship. My question is how do couples that stay together work on these things? Do they make it or do they usually fall apart. Do I dare hope that we can work through our issues separately and toghther or do we need to just let it go.

February 18, 2006
10:49 am
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nvr2late
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funny...if you find out the answers let me know..I have been 'seeing' a man like this for awhile, and I have pinpointed what is going on with him.
He does not know what he wants, other than to have me for a safety net....I told him that I cannot be his safety net, that he needs to work on his things and I need to refocus on my things.
Well, that did not seem to work, since then he wants a 'relationship' and I am putting the boundaries on our dates too. He is not liking them!

He told me that he is going out tonight with his friends (we both have our kids for the weekend) he did not expect me to say that I was going out too....but when I did, he got really weird.
Why is it good for him to do but not for me?

I think if you can cool things for awhile, he will figure out how to deal with his issues, but as you know, it probably is not done in a relationship like he wants.

and I wonder if YOU get to the point that you want a breather, if the issues between you two can be resolved. that is what I am afraid of...to the point I am sick of it, I don't know if I can go back to what he wants.

We are definately stronger in some areas, we just know what we will not put up with!

Do what is right for you, and be strong to what you need!

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