Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
do I stay or go?
May 18, 2009
6:06 pm
Avatar
Kyzer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am married to an alcoholic, that is a wonderful man when he is sober. But horrid when he has to much to drink. I have suffered from severe anxiety for the last three years to the point of not being able to basically leave the house or drive. We have been together almost 8 years, and have dealt with the alcohol since day one, not realizing I was stepping out of a bad marriage(11 years) in to another relationship that has the same issues just a different person. he refuses to do AA or anything, he has tried it and said he didn't belong there. He is a go getter, always busy doing something. The blow ups keep getting worse and worse. We both end up with bruises of some sort. Most times I try to avoid the conflict but he keeps at me until it gets out of control. i called the police last year and i thought that would help. It did for about six months but gradually going back to the way it is. I feel i need to get out but I am scared to make the wrong choice and lose everything and the man I love. I have been to counseling, but have no insurance and can't drive myself there. I used to be an independant woman with a good business of my own. Its all gone now, and all I do is depend on him, and wait everyday on eggshells. Is anyone in a similiar situation or has been?

May 19, 2009
12:47 am
Avatar
ClassyLady
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello Kyzer,

I have been in similar incident but my husband is addicted to porn and sex. I had been in a relationsip with an alcoholic, similar to yours and I broke free, even though I loved him dearly. I am trying the same now and thinking of inner healing for myself. I was told today that I am codependent with all relationships, due to being a child of an alcoholic, which I had thought that years before and thought I had broke free. I googled info about codependency and I do have symptoms. I had secretly started putting money back and trying to find a job, I have a 7 yr old, a 25 yr old and 2 grandchildren. I did leave a very good paying job to home school and take care of our son. It is scary especially when he wants to go to counseling and I want it to end. I work part-time at my church and was advised to go to counseling, if he doesn't truly change then I have a right to leave. So I feel trapped once again in a marriage that has only been self-seeking by him. I still may seperate while the counseling is going on. The key is: noone can tell you what to do you have to make up your mind for yourself and do what you know is best for you, for once, think of yourself first. Be blessed and Break Free!

May 19, 2009
9:16 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i know that alcoholism progresses as time goes on, if not help or AA is made in between.

You do have a choice, either stay with him drunk, or go to Al anon meeting yourself for support...or leave.

You sound like you want to go...and you sound like you want your hubby to get help, well he needs ot do this on his OWN..and he seems to not want to do this...so he will remain drunk, and bitter and angry as long as the drinking continues.

Please think of yourself, your self worth, what YOU really want out of life.

Remember, we cannot change others, only ourselves.

May 19, 2009
10:14 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A wonderful man, there would have to be some SPECTULAR sober times going on in order to some what justify the out of control bruises and walking on egg shells during the drunk times that would make you question leaving as the healthiest option for yourself.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and you are witness to that. He doesn’t want to change his life. I guess you need to ask yourself how SPECTULAR is this wonderful man and how SPECTULAR are the sober times.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 19, 2009
11:33 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Classy,

First, let me say, that I am sorry you are dealing with this (and the same to Kyzer). No one should stay in an environment of abuse.

You said, "I work part-time at my church and was advised to go to counseling, if he doesn't truly change then I have a right to leave." That disturbs me if you are saying that the church is telling you that you have the "right" to do anything? I hope that I am just misunderstanding your statement. The "church" had no right to judge or make it ok for you to do anything; that is your choice.

If you are living with someone who is addicted and won't get help my question is more; why would you stay?

Take care of yourself first.

Cary

May 19, 2009
2:13 pm
Avatar
Kyzer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for all your input, and your right that I have to put myself first, which is a hard thing after putting someone else first for years, so I took a leap and told him that he had to get help or he had to stay gone. Holding to it is the hard part, it is so much easier to pretend your life is good than face the reality that its not how you imagined it, I believe in the saying that when you require someone to change you require them to lie to you. I am in survival mode now, him or me, and right now I am choosing me, just hope I stay strong enough to follow through. Thanks everyone again.

May 19, 2009
3:29 pm
Avatar
gettingold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

They are always wonderful when they are sober.
But that isnt very often now is it?
No one can tell you to stay or go. You have to get to the point where you say. "Im better then this"
The point where you stop beleiving his harsh words. Where you realize all the good you do, and how good you are to him. And then you ask yourself, is he worth all this trouble?
You just have to get to a place where your through. WHere you realize it may be better to be alone then on a rollar coaster.
I have been there before,and beleive me, there is nothing better then coming home from work and not worrying what mood he is going to be in that day. Not worrying if he will come home that night, or say a hurtfull thing.
He hates himself, that is the bottom line. He knows what to say to get you to hang on a little longer. The cycle always the same. He is terrified you will leave him, cause he knows you are better then him. So he trys to make you feel low, and then maybe you will not have the will power to leave. He wants you to think he is the only one who will love you like that.
The bottom line. Somthing I had to realize, you and you alone are the reason why your getting treated this way, what I mean is, you are allowing it to happen by not standing up for yourself. Let all the harsh words start to turn around on him, start knowing how stronge you are. YOu are obviously a stronge person if you put up with him for so long. IMagine the possibilities if you were on your own.
Sure being alone is hard. But being Bashed everyday by the one you "love" is even harder. Trust me I know first hand.

May 21, 2009
11:18 am
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you can afford private counseling, please reach out for it now. Your anxiety and fear of leaving the house are symptoms of the toll this toxic relationship is taking on your physical and mental health. Eventually, you will snap and wind up in an ER. That is how it works. I've been there.

Please do reach out for help. And please keep posting here. If you can, get to an Al-Anon meeting. It will comfort you so much to meet others in the same boat and learn some coping and self-esteem skills.

If you can leave for awhile and stay with a relative or friend, do so. Get away from his presence. Give yourself a break from living in the insanity and chaos of life with an alcoholic.

Do I believe you should stay or go? Definitely, you should go. He will never seek help for himself or "bottom out," until he is completely alone. As long as you are there to serve as his punching bag, he will never face himself and his sickness.

And you deserve a life of peace and dignity.

- Ma Strong

May 21, 2009
12:44 pm
Avatar
Kyzer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Update: Since I posted last I have told him he has to stop drinking or leave and so far have stuck to it. He finally said last night that he will stop drinking and attend two AA meetings a week. He has tried to stop drinking in the past but never with outside help. He would just sneak around and drink. I agree with you stronginhim77 that I do realize that my anxiety is stemming from the abuse over the years and have been talking with a therapist via email over the last couple of days as I have yet been able to drive to get in to see one. I am hoping by standing firm that this changes our lives for the better and that he is serious in trying to stop. Then maybe I can heal also and get my life back.One problem I see is that he will have to change his whole life because drinking is a part of everything he does. I can't get to an al-anon meeting until I can drive myself again, which I am hoping will be sooner than later. Again thank you everyone for helping me, I feel stronger to know I am not alone in this.

May 21, 2009
2:04 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Kyzer))), I'm really sorry about this. Like it has been suggested, I think you should attend Alanon and well as the therapy you are on. People in Alanon understand exactly where you are and can help you.

Whether he is aware of it or not, your husband can't just make himself stop. He needs a lot of external help. 2 meeting a week wont cut it for him. He need rehab for at least 30 days. He is probably just promising you all this to silence you. As for him saying he doesn't belong in AA, well, AA isn't a social club and few people actually believed the belonged there when they first went. No one belongs in the ICU or other medical wards. They don't want to be there, they need to be there. Your husband isn't ready to quit drinking.

The thing about addicts is that their number 1 propriety in life is to get their high. Nothing else is even a close second, not even their well being. They will go to great lengths to hurt themselves and others to get their addiction fixed. The only way to know he is lying and manipulating you is if his lips are moving. You have to draw the boundaries for what you want to see happen and be willing to follow through. If he even drinks one other time, you must ask him to leave. Most of the time, you are actually not talking to him but to the liquor in him.

Only after he hits his rock bottom will he get help. Right now, he has everything and everyone right where he needs them to be so he can continue with this addiction. The question is, how long will you keep enabling him and hurting yourself in the process?

Keep posting and hang in there!! You aren't a lone!!

May 21, 2009
2:18 pm
Avatar
Healing.. and peace
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kyzer,

I've read your post, and I just want to say first, I hope things get better for you soon.

It sounds like from your last post that your waiting for him to stop drinking before you can heal and get your life back, but that truly isn't the case, you can start to heal now, and get stronger, even if he does or doesn't stop drinking.

There are online meetings that you can go to, if your interested please let us know there are some of us that go to face to face meetings and some go to only online and some to both, but since you explianed that your depression is keeping you from leaving the house then I would suggest the online meetings at least until you get strong enough to drive and go to face to face meetings.

He may want help or want to stop drinking but I'd strongly recommend that you still consider the meetings for you, like everyone is saying you should put yourself first in this situation. It is your life, and you deserve to be healthy. No one should be abused or take abuse of any kind, and you will get stronger and be able to make the right decissions for you and your own health.

Hope you consider the help that is out there for you even online, because his drinking is his problem, I hope that you don't allow his problems to control your health and life any longer. The stronger you get the better chance that he will hit his bottom and get the help he needs for himself. But in the mean time please take care of yourself, for you, not for anyone else.

May 21, 2009
3:57 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Please be prepared: no alcoholic or addict quits because his/her partner puts their foot down and gives them an ultimatum. At least, not forever. He will probably "go through the motions" for a week or so to pacify you. He will also probably tell you that he does not belong in AA or he doesn't need "90 meetings in 90 days," etc. They come up with every, imagineable excuse to stop. And they DO stop...unless and untill it is THEIR DECISION TO STOP...without any utimatums or pressure from others.

It doesn't sound as if he wants to quit drinking. He simply doesn't want you to get healthy and dump his butt. Period.

So, please be ready. If you can get to an Al-Anon meeting online, do so. You really need help to understand how much his disease has taken control of YOUR life. His disease has become the source of your anxiety, your agoraphobia, etc. Being with him has made you ill, yourself. So, now I am hoping that you will focus on your OWN illness and your OWN recovery from what this monstrously selfish addict has done to you.

Press on. Keep posting. You can recover. Whether he chooses to -- or not -- is irrelevant, even though you are afraid of facing life without him.

- Ma Strong

May 21, 2009
3:59 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Let me clarify my post cause it's somewhat muddled. When I said, "They (alcoholics) DO stop," I meant when they stop attending AA meetings. Don't think that came across very clearly. My apologies.

- Ma Strong

May 21, 2009
5:29 pm
Avatar
Kyzer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Where can I find an al-anon meeting online? Also, he went to the dr today and came home with a prescription of anabuse, then he said that he would rather just take the anabuse rather than go to AA because he is not a religious man. I am not sure what that means I have never been to an AA meeting. I agree that I do need to focus on me, having been a prisoner for so long I am trying very hard to be a stronger person. Thank you to everyone!

May 21, 2009
9:12 pm
Avatar
Healing.. and peace
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kyzer,

Hope this helps you get started, here is one online Al-anon meeting.

http://12stepforums.net/alanon.html

You can copy and paste into your tool and it should lead you to the page, you will be instructed to allow Java and once you do you will then see the meeting in progress, I'm not sure what time the meetings are but if you go to that page you will see the times of the meetings... My best to you, keep posting, there are many kind people on this site that can offer you support through this difficult time for you.

My best Healing and Peace

May 21, 2009
9:19 pm
Avatar
StronginHim77
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It takes more than Antabuse to recover from alcoholism. Unless he is willing to get into a support program which will hold him accountable (preferably, through a successful 12-step program, like AA), he will not make it. PERIOD. He will simply discontinue taking the Antabuse.

Even if he stops actively drinking, you will still have a "dry drunk" on your hands. Not a pleasant thing to live with. He will be even more surly, miserable, angry and hard to be around, than when he drank. Again, medication is only a PART of treating alcoholism. A support treatment program is a MUST.

Obviousy, quitting is still not his idea or desire. He is only doing this to placate you, so you won't leave.

If you want him to recover, he must face himself and his disease. And that will not happen, as long as you stick around. Again, focus on your OWN recovery and the impact his disease has made on your own emotional and mental well-being. You need alot of support and professional help right now to overcome the damaging impact of his drinking on your life.

It is my hope that you will take your focus off him (and his Rx's and all other excuses he offers) and keep your focus on YOURSELF.

- Ma Strong

May 22, 2009
12:46 am
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

http://ca.travel.yahoo.com/new.....nk_pilot_2

I saw this on the news. This is how in sensitive drunkards can be. Not thinking about anyone but themselves. I wonder how many excuses he had made not to seek help and how many time he flew the plane while drankÉ. Can you imagine his wife (if he has one) and family must feel about this? I hope this is rock bottom enough for him. Who knows what he will do the next time? Keep seeking help for yourself..

May 22, 2009
5:42 am
Avatar
PJ_Bunny
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kyzer, I know that there are atheists that have had some success with AA, but they have had to redefine higher power. That could mean the spirit within him, the untapped mental energy he has. Also the energy of the group, the comfort he draws from the meetings. All the best to you in this difficult time.

May 22, 2009
9:54 am
Avatar
soofoo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kyzer,
It seems to be very hard for you to focus on yourself because you are so dependent on him right now. I think the anxiety stems from the fact that you know you can't control this man, and yet you need him to get under control.

I think you need to get stronger. If he doesn't get better, then getting stronger will help you get out. If he does, getting stronger will only help you anyway.

You said that you once owned a successful business. And now you are unable to leave your house and drive. Do you have panic attacks? Have you told your Doctor about not being able to leave the house and drive?

Do you leave the house at all? Are you able to walk around the block? I would suggest that you make a goal for yourself. Perhaps a friend or family member can come over to get you started.

May 22, 2009
11:37 am
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Strong,

"......And that will not happen, as long as you stick around."

That is an absolutely false statement.

My mother, as well as many other alcoholics I have known, have gotten sober and stayed that way...even when their loved ones "stuck around"

PLEASE for the Love of YOUR GOD stop acting like the be all, end all of recovery.

You are NOT an expert.

If you were, you would know that it is completely UNETHICAL to tell others what they should or should not do. Or that they MUST do anything. Or that they should end their relationships, marriages, etc.

I believe your heart is in the right place and many of your "demands" are correct when it comes to recovery. The focus must be kept on ourselves and our own recovery. Support groups are proven to be important to recovery. Professional counseling may be necessary. Etc.

BUT...there is NO ONE WAY TO RECOVERY!

Many have recovered after being given ulitmatums. Many have recovered while their famililies remain intact. Many have recovered with and without counseling. Many have recovered while still having contact with their loved ones. Although I am a strong supporter of AA, many have recovered without it.

Alanon is extremely helpful but not ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.

You MUST stop dictating what other people MUST do!

Information is helpful. Suggestions are helpful. Advice giving is not. Which is why professional counselors dont' do it.

To everyone.....

I'm sorry to have hijacked this thread but I felt it absolutely necessary to give my opinion on this .....again.

And Kyzer......

Good luck to you. My thoughts are with you and I wish you and your family the best.

Lolli

May 22, 2009
12:30 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

antibuse...doesn't work either...well my last bf "said" he was taking the pill, even got to the point where i had to see him take the antibuse...what happened, he took the pill, but tucked it under his toungue, and spit it out later....and kept drinking. Living like this was hell for me, being like the "police" and watching him take the pills when he spit them out anyways.

just be careful, cuz they can promise you the world, until they do the right thing to get sober...nothing will change.

May 22, 2009
1:26 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

" The key is: noone can tell you what to do you have to make up your mind for yourself and do what you know is best for you, for once, think of yourself first. "

Amen ClassyLady. Very well said.

May 22, 2009
1:39 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

" And they DO stop...unless and untill it is THEIR DECISION TO STOP...without any utimatums or pressure from others. "

Actually, not many do stop UNLESS they receive ulitmatums and pressure from others.

That is usually the purpose behind professional interventions.

Most stop only when the pressure has become so great that they see recovery as the only way to make it stop.

Having said that...I am not suggesting that anyone spend all of their time pressuring an addict to make them stop. That will generally have the oposite effect. However, very often taking the focus OFF of the addict and keeping in on ourselves and our own recovery can create a situation of pressure on the addict without the intent of putting pressure on the addict. Also, focusing on ourselves often helps us stop enabling the addict which also puts pressure on them with regard to cleaning up their own messes, having to handle their own affairs, having to get a job, etc.

Pressure is exactly what makes them want to seek help.

May 22, 2009
2:26 pm
Avatar
Kyzer
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been to numerous doctors and therapists, they think it could be hormonal and from living with an alcoholic, panic attacks would be putting it mildly, I have agoraphobia also. No I can not walk around the block and the terrible thing is that my husband is my safe person, he is the only person i will go anywhere with as long as it is not to far from home. I believe I have held on to him so tight that its like falling from a horse as its running and still holding on to the tail while it drags me. I am learning to let go and find more confidence in myself and this forum is truly helping me do just that. I appreciate all of the comments whether people tell me what to do or just make a suggestion, in the end I am going to have to make up my own mind anyway, it is just hard to do in these types of situations that is why I am reaching out for help, I realize I can't just sit here and die any longer. It is very hard for me to seek outside help with my anxiety being as bad as it is, so to everyone, I am truly greatful that I found this forum. Thank you for all of your input, it really does help me to be a stronger person as I make goals for myself.

May 22, 2009
2:40 pm
Avatar
PJ_Bunny
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi. I work with a woman who told me she was given an ultimatum by her job. Either quit drinking and go to a corporation approved rehab, or get fired. She went and has stayed sober for 17 years. sometimes pressure or ultimatum work. I respect anyone that can help an addict thru such a difficult time. Its always easier to label them, to turn your back on them, and run away, but every sitz is different. Kyzer, please know that relapse is possible. If it happens, its not your fault. Alcohol is a tough addiction to break, and the recovering need all the support they can get. Truly loving a person is not scorning or abandoning them, its being willing to help them yet not lose yourself in the process. That takes hard work that some aren't willing or able to do.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
23
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111089
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38628
Posts: 714443
Newest Members:
thomson, BenjaminGresham, answerhope, kenseeley, soofibeauty, lifesyncm
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information