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Do I stay or do I go?
February 15, 2004
2:14 pm
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kristi3
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I found this site for the first time today. I am very impressed! I would like the opinion of others.

I am 30 years old and have been married for 11 years. It has been 11 years of ups and downs (just as all marriages are). I am not perfect and have done a lot of things that have been costly to my marriage. There has been years of on-again off-again abuse (physical and mental). Six months ago was the last time my husband physically abused me,that was a turning point for me. I shut down all emotions when it comes to him. No feeling, that way I could not be hurt by him again. The abuse was never life threatning, nor did he ever show aggresion to our 3 children. During the past 6 months I have become involved with another man.(My husband doesn't know.) Knowing full well what I am doing is wrong. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Not because of the other man but because I dont feel like I should have to be treated that way by him any-longer. My husband is still living in the house because my 4 year old said "Mommy if Daddy leaves I need to leave too." Well, my baby isn't going anywhere. Since I allowed him to stay in the house he has turned into someone I do not recognize. Trying so hard to keep me, he will do anything. Sufficating me day after day(Showing up at my work, always calling ect). He trully wants this marriage to work. He has talked about anger managment classes, but will not take the time to find out about them. I will not get the information for him. If he wants to improve the situation he can take the first step. I have dealt with his anger for 11 years, I'll not do it any-longer. I have to decide, do I stay and make it work? If so I am only doing it for the kids. Do I move on and make a life for me and my children? One that does not include anger and hostility. I know 100% that my husband loves me, that is the hardest thing and for the past month I could not have asked for him to treat me any better. How do I live waiting for the next time? Do I stay or do I go?

February 15, 2004
3:09 pm
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Anam Cara
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Kristi

The actual going is not half as hard as you might imagine . What I find is the after shock of the deed. Theory set against reality can come over you like a great storm! Yes many dark clouds remain after. Only you know the level of abuse you have suffered - abusers often want to make up and stand you tall again for another shot. I suppose if you both went to counselling as he is suggesting - then you could wipe away any feeling of guilt for not trying to save your marriage.

Anam Cara

February 15, 2004
4:06 pm
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Zinnie
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Kristi,

I understand why you are letting him stay because you do not want to affect your children. However, you are sending out the wrong message to the children - that it's O.K. to abuse Mommy. It is not O.K. It never is. So, the four year old made a comment, and sorry to me it sure sounds like it was a comment that was fueled by something that was said to the little guy. People who are abusive love to drag their children into the fray, because generally the person who is staying is a parent who is staying for the sake of the child, many times to begin with - so what better way to hurt them? Through the child.

Yes, what you are doing is not right. Honestly, I would not recommend that you date anyone until you are out of this situation, and you know what you really want.

Right now, of course he is doing anything he can to keep himself in your good graces. But, sadly once abuse starts it continues and will escalate. That is a known fact. It is sad, but it's the truth.

Get your plan together... yes, you will need a plan to do this. Actually, read the thread that we have going "Spousal Abuse" - check on the link at the top of the thread that you want to read all posts. Free and Ladeska outline plans that they had, and Free gives some excellent advice and what to do - she knows it, she lived it.

Get out, keep yourself and your children safe.

Zinnie

February 16, 2004
7:20 am
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golfing_man
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Kristi,

Zinnie's comments are right on - ALL of them. You need a plan and don't be scared to execute it at the right time. Again - you are having a relationship that may not be what you want - be careful with that. You need to find out what and who you want and what and who you are before embarking on another relationship - also - what if your abuser finds out? To repeat Zinnie and from my experience, abusers do not change (except in word - never in deeds). They are manipulative - ALWAYS - mostly in order to avoid their exposure. Watch your back. And the comment from the child - that was a planted comment. PLEASE read the thread recommended by Zinnie.

I wish you well my friend 🙂 I hope you take the advice that people are giving here - they really helped me out. The hardest thing is to listen to what you are hearing. Going through what you have - you hear all kinds of things - listening to others with similar situations is most helpful.

Good luck again my friend!!

Golfing_man

February 17, 2004
12:42 pm
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bigcat
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I agree. Get an exit plan together and execute it.

In the aftermath, choose divorce mediation over lawyers. It will give you and your husband a chance to work through your issues and make for a better situation for the kids. Maybe you can find a way to repair your relationship. At any rate, an honest try at mediation may keep the emotions ( his and yours) in check. Sounds like the kids are suffering as the two of you founder along.

You can find a mediator at places like http://www.divorcesource.com or your phonebook.

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